Category Archives: satire

Padre Steve Defends Mitt Romney against Extremism Talk

Mitt Romney has had a rough time as of late and I have decided that I will not pile on. Mitt Romney used to be a moderate like me and for that I have a soft spot for him in my heart. As a patriotic American and moderate I know that Governor Romney has a one in two chance of becoming the next Commander-in-Chief and I will not stand for anyone diminishing Mitt’s potential Commander-in-Chiefyness. I want him to be the most Chiefy Commander-in-Chief of all time if he is elected President.

Too many extremists have attacked this fine American over the past few weeks and months. I know that I have criticized Mitt but I won’t take it anymore because I was for Mitt before I was against him and I won’t have anyone call me a flip-flopper because when I wear open toed shoes I wear Birkenstocks.

To start with I won’t be like former Senator and Presidential candidate Rick Santorum who called Governor Romney “the worst Republican in the country to put up against Barack Obama.” I object to Senator Santorum doing this because there are other Republicans who have to be worse than Mitt and Santorum’s criticism is obviously that of a sore loser and Romney is a winner.

General George Smith Patton, bless his holy name, said in the movie Patton:“America loves a winner and will not tolerate a loser.” I’ll tell you what, Mitt Romney is not a loser, except for the time that he lost to Teddy Kennedy when he ran against that Commie for the Massachusetts Senate seat, and when he lost to the man that lost to President Obama for the GOP nomination in 2008, Senator John McCain. But apart from that Mitt has never known defeat.

I am tired of pundits like American Family Association spokesman Bryan Fischer who gloated “If Mitt Romney can be pushed around, intimidated, coerced, co-opted by a conservative radio talk show host in Middle America, then how is he going to stand up to the Chinese? How is he going to stand up to Putin? How is he going to stand up to North Korea if he can be pushed around by a yokel like me? I don’t think Romney is realizing the doubts that this begins to raise about his leadership.”

I think that Fischer’s comments are below the belt. Mitt Romney will not be pushed around by anyone and he has proved that at an early age. When a non-conformist classmate in his obscure elitist prep-school disrespected that school and grew his hair long Mitt took action. He demonstrated the greatness of American organization and toughness by rallying a number of other classmates to help him chase this hooligan down and hold him down while Mitt cut the screaming baby’s hair to the regulation length. That’s how he will stand up to the Chinese. Do you think that Gang-Bang-Wang of China or Kim-Long-Dong of North Korea want Mitt to rally America to hold them down and cut their obviously badly cut and cheaply dyed hair? I know that they don’t.

When some of Mitt’s competitors in the 2012 GOP primaries threatened him, Mitt did not take it lying down. No he carpet bombed their sorry asses, destroyed their candidacies and won the nomination. He Nagaski’d them like he will do Iran. That is the mark of a decisive leader.

I’m tired of those that criticize Mitt’s business ethics and compared him to a vulture like Texas Governor Rick Perry who complained to Sean Hannity in January: “There’s a real difference between venture capitalism and vulture capitalism. Venture capitalism we like. Vulture capitalism, no. And the fact of the matter is that he’s going to have to face up to this at some time or another, and South Carolina is as good a place to draw that line in the sand as any. That’s not what we’re looking for in a president of the United States. We’re looking for someone that knows how to build jobs, create jobs. And that’s what I’ve done in the state of Texas. So there’s no use trying to paper this over. That is a problem for Mitt, and he’s going to have to face it.”

I’m sorry Governor Perry, Mitt has met that challenge. He looks nothing like a vulture. Look at that hair. It is amazing. I wish I had hair like that. Did you ever see a vulture with hair like that? I think not. Check your facts governor because they don’t matter to us anyway.

Then there are those like former Governor of Arkansas and Fox New commentator Mike Huckabee who criticize Mitt’s conservative credentials. Huckabee had the nerve to write in his book saying that Mitt “spent more time on the road to Damascus than a Syrian camel driver. And we thought nobody could fill John Kerry’s flip-flops! … [Romney's record was] “anything but conservative until he changed all the light bulbs in his chandelier in time to run for President.”

That was not fair and Huckabee should be ashamed. A man who buys his outsourced made in China chandelier from Wal-Mart should not criticize a man who financed the company that manufactured it and who would never stoop to changing a light bulb that his janitor should have done before it got dark. Mitt would fire that janitor and hire someone else to change those bulbs. Shame on you Mike Huckabee.

Rick Santorum joined in that criticism saying that Romney “is the ultimate flip-flopper….” That dear reader is not fair. Governor Romney has had to defend himself against many scurrilous charges. I mean Mitt has had to defend himself because President Obama had the nerve to steal his Massachusetts health care plan and name it after himself. Can you believe that? It is horrendous and a scandal and Governor Romney should deny any responsibility for President Obama’s shameful swiping of his idea.

I cannot imagine Mitt being a “flip-flopper.” There is no proof that Mitt wears outsourced flip-flops made in China or Pakistan. No, it is sure that Romney wears Sperry Top-siders when he is on his luxury yacht because everyone knows that open toed shoes are dangerous to wear about ships. Mitt understands that you need to protect your toes, because a nation without leaders is like a foot without a big toe.

I am also tired of those that have criticized Romney for speaking French like Newt Gingrich did during the GOP primaries. Gingrich was trying to equate Mitt with Senator John  Kerry, who was awarded the Silver Star, Bronze Star and Purple Heart for killing Commies in Vietnam before he was against killing them. Mitt speaks French as does Kerry, but Mitt is different. Unlike Kerry who went to Vietnam and then shamefully protested against the war, Mitt was for the war. He was a patriot and protested for the right of the government to draft others to go fight and kill the Commies like every good American should have done. Romney then sacrificed several years of college hijinks and venture to France to convert the heathen French and eat Fois Gras and Escargot for three years as a missionary while avoiding the wine and beer. That is a sacrifice. When I went to France I only ate in Italian restaurants and only drank wine and beer. Besides, speaking French is like speaking the language of the enemy. When some pinko-socialist French atheist writer mocks America in French, Mitt will understand those words and bomb Paris in retaliation.

And finally in defense of Mitt, I condemn those like former Reagan speech writer and conservative Wall Street Journal Columnist Peggy Noonan and call Mitt’s management of his campaign “incompetent” and “in need of an intervention” or Bill Kristol who called Mitt “stupid and arrogant.”

I am sorry, those comments are below the waistline of Mitt’s magic underwear, which he evidently doesn’t wear to bed according to what he told Kelly Ripa. I won’t stand for it anymore. I refuse to take part in the heresy hunt of these extremists. This is the United States of America and Mitt Romney just might be our next Commander-in-Chief and I don’t want to diminish his Chiefyness.

That’s just my take, I want to stay classy.

Peace

Padre Steve+

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