Why Johnny Can’t Read Maps: NCAA Tournament Geography for Dummies and a Solution

I love the NCAA College Men’s Basketball Tournament.  It is the only time of year that I will even watch basketball since like football and other sports it is simply another heretic sect compared to the one true religion, the Church of Baseball of which I am a confirmed member of at the Harbor Park Parish, Section 102, Row B, seats 1 and 2.  I have really liked this year’s tournament since none of my alma maters are in it and I am rooting for underdogs and many have won…God Bless Northern Iowa, St Mary’s, ODU, Cornell, Ohio and all the others who have knocked off the big programs in the first two rounds.  A usual I failed to complete a bracket sheet but if I had if would have looked something like the “Sweet Sixteen” does now except there would have been no number ones left, maybe even not any number twos. But hey…it’s only a game as compared to baseball thank you.

Now my purpose is not in talking about the games, the teams or the tournament itself.  Instead it is to express my bewilderment at geographic ignorance and maybe incontinence of the NCAA committee’s knowledge of geography in regard to the so called “regions.”  I mean this is insane.  What are we teaching the next generation?  That Providence Rhode Island in the Midwest and Spokane Washington is in the South?  Is this not insane? Are we not living in a society people?

Now please do not take offense and call me a sociopath.   I am not a sociopath I was a History major and have a Master of Arts in History as well.  But as a mere historian I did gain a slight appreciation of Geography, even that to the good old USA despite focusing on Europe and the Pacific.  For a fact I know that Providence Rhode Island is in New England which happens to be in the Northeast. I know this because I have been there and spent a decent amount of time going to Navy schools in Rhode Island.  Likewise I have lived in Jacksonville Florida which is in the East but would really be considered part of the South and to cover their bases the NCAA committee has in both the South and the East. Buffalo is in both the West and the East which kind of makes it schizophrenic.  Of course then there is Spokane Washington which according to the NCAA is in the Midwest.  Last time I checked it is WEST of the Rocky Mountains in the wasteland o eastern Washington but very much in the Northwest.  Milwaukee Wisconsin is EAST of the Mississippi River which it means it can’t even be considered in the West even the Brewers are in the National League Central Division.  Heck, the last time New Orleans was considered to be in the West was about the time of the Louisiana Purchase.  San Jose is definitely in the East, the East Bay….give me a break San Jose is like 25 miles if that from the Pacific Ocean.  To further confuse the issue Providence and Spokane are also in the South Region.

Now what is this saying to the youth of America?  I’ll tell you what it says…it says that the NCAA committee that put this mess together doesn’t know anything about geography.  They are turning the minds of our young people into tapioca pudding (looks like gelified brains.) However, I am not unaware that the placement of games is not to be geographically correct but to make money.

In an attempt to be a “uniter” and not a divider I have a proposal.  Instead of calling them regions we call them divisions and name them after great coaches such as John Wooden, Dean Smith and Bobby Knight that way any city can be in any division and geography would not matter.  People could go wherever they want and not corrupt the minds of our young people.  What’s next these kids will be driving willy-nilly all over the country trying to get some place that they have no idea where is. Think of the repercussions for UPS, FEDEX and the USPS…if these kids grow up and go a career in delivery industry we will never get anything.

Until the current system is replaced it will be simply madness….it’s madness I tell you…we’re going to have to set ludicrous speed…I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore…Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?  Concentrate… concentrate… I’ve got to concentrate… concentrate… concentrate… Hello?… hello… hello… Echo… echo… echo… Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon… Manny Mota… Mota… Mota… Joey, have you ever been in a… in a Turkish prison? It’s the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl; girl dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year’s Day…  Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, Toto! It’s a twister! It’s a twister! If this is Tuesday this must be Belgium…No, it’s not what you think. It’s much, much worse! … Would you like another schnitzengruben? …. Soylent Green is people, its people! …. Now I don’t have to tell you good folks what’s been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I’m leaving….All right, you win. You win. I give. I’ll say it. I’ll say it. I’ll say it…. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! ….Oh, cut the bleeding heart crap, will ya? We’ve all got our switches, lights, and knobs to deal with, Striker. I mean, down here there are literally hundreds and thousands of blinking, beeping, and flashing lights, blinking and beeping and flashing – they’re *flashing* and they’re *beeping*. I can’t stand it anymore! They’re *blinking* and *beeping* and *flashing*! Why doesn’t somebody pull the plug! Serenity now!

Lots of Laughs to you,


Padre Steve+


Filed under Just for fun, purely humorous

2 responses to “Why Johnny Can’t Read Maps: NCAA Tournament Geography for Dummies and a Solution

  1. Pingback: Padre Steve’s Top 25 Articles of 2010, some Statistics and a Big Thank You to My Readers | Padresteve's World…Musings of a Passionate Moderate

  2. Pingback: Padre Steve’s World Top 12 of 2011: A Big Thank you to my Readers | Padresteve's World…Musings of a Passionate Moderate

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