Tag Archives: communication

Friends of Padre Steve’s World,

There are times that I can be a complete idiot and Sunday was one of them.

On Sunday I posted a short article in praise of my wife Judy for our 34^th anniversary. I meant every word of it, but my actions over the course of the week hurt her. It was not physical abuse, but it was as harmful as any physical abuse could have been. It was a combination of not listening, not paying attention, and not thinking about how even little things matter.

I had a football coach who told me that was the little things that mattered. he talked about not making stupid plays or taking stupid penalties, about making blocks and hitting the right hole, holding on to the ball, and tackling well, not trying to be the hero making big plays. Sunday, I blew apart our anniversary by not taking care of the little things.

But another coach taught me something else about the importance of actions and how in reality they speak louder than words.  When I complained about not getting playing time he told me that he “couldn’t hear me.”  So I complained  louder, and he simply said “I can’t hear you.” I got upset and raised my voice and he looked up and said “your actions on the practice field speak so loud I can’t hear a word you are saying.” I thought I had learned that lesson a long time ago, obviously I didn’t, for on Sunday my actions, though unintentional, were deafening and very hurtful to Judy.

If you are a good husband the one thing you must do above all other things is listen, care, and pay attention to your wife. I guess the same is true for wives and how they treat their husbands. These may be considered “little things.” They are not expensive presents, they cost nothing, but they mean more than anything in a relationship. Sadly, there are times that I don’t do them well and last week was one that I wish I could get back. Mind you Judy is not one to complain, she doesn’t hound me about little things, and she gives me a lot of grace.

My lack of attentiveness to her needs over the week frustrated, angered, and hurt her, and that culminated on Sunday just when I thought I was going to get it right; instead I took what should have been an easy win for both of us and screwed it up beyond belief.

What brought things on was that we met a number of friends at our local hang out to celebrate our anniversary. Rather than sitting by her I went and sat with the guy I normally hang out with on Sundays, three seats down from her. Instead of just visiting for a few minutes and then going back to her I stayed next to him. She appeared to be having a nice conversation with another friend so I just didn’t think about how she perceived my action. I was so unobservant that it took a text from her telling me that she was angry and wanted to leave for me to understand what I had done; I had taken her out and then ignored her. As I replayed the events in my mind throughout what turned into a sleepless night they only made me look worse.

I am going to do what I can to get this back and do what is right. I had a drill sergeant tell me “there are attaboys and there are aww shits; and it takes 2000 attaboys to make up for one aww shit.” This was a big aww shit moment.

When we got home a lot of people were congratulating us on Facebook and Judy was upset. She told me that I should write about how badly I screwed things up and hurt her. I did on it and I am doing it here. One thing about social media it is very easy to sell the positive things about yourself. It’s a great way to market an image true or not. I am beyond needing to craft an image that makes me look like a great husband when the same day I did something shitty to the woman who committed her life to me thirty-four years ago. It hasn’t been easy for her at all, especially because we have been separated for close to 13 of those years, mostly due to my military service. Then there were the years after Iraq where she had to deal with my PTSD shit and emotional ups and downs. Then of course there were the times when I had jobs that while I may have been home I hardly saw her, and lastly there were the many times that I did stupid stuff like I did Sunday.

One thing that I have been learning over the past number of years is to be as transparent and honest as I can be about whom I am and what I believe. This includes being open about something like this. I don’t expect to be admired for it because what I did to Judy was pretty shitty. For me it serves as one more way to let her know that I got the message. Likewise it’s to let people who follow me on this site especially men to do better than I did when it comes to caring for their wives. If admitting my screw up helps allows someone to learn from my dumbassery without doing it themselves then maybe a good seed will be planted.

My inattentiveness and lack of regard for her Sunday was shameful. I know better than this and it would have been so easy to do this one right. But I didn’t. I know that she loves me and that she would do anything for me, and I do love her, but I really screwed this one up bad. I am going to do some things to try to make things better, but the onus is on me to start doing the little things and listening better. She deserves that much from me.

Have a great day and pray for me a dumbass,

Peace

Padre Steve+