Category Archives: Religion

February 6, 2010 · 23:59

Vindictive Angry Christians: When Faith is subordinated to a Political Agenda Redemption Dies

Over the past year or so I have seen many of my fellow Christians including people that I can at least at one time call friends lose themselves and their faith, even though they think that they are defending their faith by subordinating to message of the Gospel which the Apostle Paul so well stated “For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. This is the wonderful message he has given us to tell others.” (2 Corinthians 5:19) or the command of Jesus who said:  “But I tell you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who mistreat you and persecute you” (Matthew 5:44)

This is nowhere more apparent in the coarse invective leveled at the current President.  Now I can care less whether someone agrees or disagrees with any national leader or politician’s policies. It is their right and duty to disagree and to even forcefully battle those policies in the legislatures, the ballot box and the public square.  That is who we are as Americans and it is why we exist as a country.  So regardless of political affiliation or political, social or economic policy it is absolutely right for people to support their political parties and social or economic agendas.  Thus to those conservatives who oppose the policies of President Obama I say have at it, the same as to liberals who opposed President Bush.  However I think for Christians there is a line that we do not cross and this comes from Scripture, Tradition, Reason and the testimony of the men and women who have borne the name of Christ for nearly 2000 years.  The line is how we treat those that we are at enmity with especially when those people are the elected leaders of our country.  Now to be sure conservative Christians as well as liberal Christians have every right as well as the responsibility to voice their opposition to policies of elected leaders that they believe are in opposition to the Gospel.  However even Scripture puts restraints on how Christians are to exercise such opposition.

Paul states in Romans 13:1-7:  “Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer. Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God’s wrath but also for the sake of conscience. …”

And again in 1 Timothy 2:1-2: “First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way.”

Peter stated in 1 Peter 2:23: “Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme”

But rather than follow these words they decide to follow the path of Old Testament “imprecatory” prayers and Psalms.  These are prayers in which the one doing the praying prays for God’s judgment and even death on those who they believe are in opposition to God.  The Passage in Psalm 109:7-11 is a case in point, verse 8 has been appropriated for an anti-Obama bumper sticker but the total package looks more like this:

7 When he is tried, let him be found guilty,
and may his prayers condemn him.

8 May his days be few;
may another take his place of leadership.

9 May his children be fatherless
and his wife a widow.

11 May a creditor seize all he has;
may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor.

12 May no one extend kindness to him
or take pity on his fatherless children.

To be sure there are those who use this as a joke, albeit not a very funny joke but others like Reverend Wiley Drake, former Vice President of the Southern Baptist Convention and pastor of First Southern Baptist Church in Buena Park California told Fox Radio talk show host Alan Colmes that he is praying for the death of the President:

Asked if there are others for whom Drake is praying “imprecatory prayer,” Drake hesitated before answering that there are several. “The usurper that is in the White House is one, B. Hussein Obama,” he said.

Later in the interview, Colmes returned to Drake’s answer to make sure he heard him right.

“Are you praying for his death?” Colmes asked.

“Yes,” Drake replied.

“So you’re praying for the death of the president of the United States?”

“Yes.”

Colmes asked Drake if he was concerned that by saying that he might be placed on a Secret Service or FBI watch list, and if he believed it appropriate to talk or pray that way.

“I think it’s appropriate to pray the Word of God,” Drake said. “I’m not saying anything. What I am doing is repeating what God is saying, and if that puts me on somebody’s list, then I’ll just have to be on their list.”

“You would like for the president of the United States to die?” Colmes asked once more.

“If he does not turn to God and does not turn his life around, I am asking God to enforce imprecatory prayers that are throughout the Scripture that would cause him death, that’s correct.”[i]

That is pretty rough but there are a fair number of Christians who have this perspective which while it may be “biblical” because it is in the Bible is certainly not a prayer that Christians are commended to utter.  In fact Reverend Drake misuses and abuses Scripture in order to wish President Obama dead.  To apply a Psalm written towards specific enemies of Israel to an American President of any political party is simply bad theology and rotten hermenutical application of Scripture.  In fact it is simply evilness which Reverend Drake wishes to cloak in Scripture.

This is in great contrast to the teachings of Jesus, the Apostles and the early Church Fathers all of whom lived, worked, ministered and evangelized under the reign of some of the most despotic and evil Emperors who ever ruled the Roman Empire, men whose policies frequently resulted the persecution and even execution of Christians whose only crime was that the would not confess that “Caesar is Lord.”  It is intersting thaty Jesus though very harsh on the Sanhedrin the Scribes and the Pharisees never spoke ill of the Roman Empire, nor Caesar.  Following Jesus early church lived and died under such persecution but leaders enjoined Christians never to wish ill on anyone. Tertullian wrote:

“If it is the fact that men bearing the name of Romans are found to be enemies of Rome, why are we, on the ground that we are regarded as enemies, denied the name of Romans? We may be at once Romans and foes of Rome, when men passing for Romans are discovered to be enemies of their country.  So the affection, and fealty, and reverence, due to the emperors do not consist in such tokens of homage as these, which even hostility may be zealous in performing, chiefly as a cloak to its purposes; but in those ways which Deity as certainly enjoins on us, as they are held to be necessary in the case of all men as well as emperors. Deeds of true heart-goodness are not due by us to emperors alone. We never do good with respect of persons; for in our own interest we conduct ourselves as those who take no payment either of praise or premium from man, but from God, who both requires and remunerates an impartial benevolence. We are the same to emperors as to our ordinary neighbors. For we are equally forbidden to wish ill, to do ill, to speak ill, to think ill of all men. The thing we must not do to an emperor, we must not do to any one else: what we would not do to anybody, a fortiori, perhaps we should not do to him whom God has been pleased so highly to exalt.”[ii]

And in Chapter XXXII

There is also another and a greater necessity for our offering prayer in behalf of the emperors, nay, for the complete stability of the empire, and for Roman interests in general. For we know that a mighty shock impending over the whole earth—in fact, the very end of all things threatening dreadful woes—is only retarded by the continued existence of the Roman empire. We have no desire, then, to be overtaken by these dire events; and in praying that their coming may be delayed, we are lending our aid to Rome’s duration. More than this, though we decline to swear by the genii of the Cæsars, we swear by their safety, which is worth far more than all your genii. Are you ignorant that these genii are called “Dæmones,” and thence the diminutive name “Dæmonia” is applied to them? We respect in the emperors the ordinance of God, who has set them over the nations.  We know that there is that in them which God has willed; and to what God has willed we desire all safety, and we count an oath by it a great oath. But as for demons, that is, your genii, we have been in the habit of exorcising them, not of swearing by them, and thereby conferring on them divine honour.[iii]

When the men and women of the early church refused to obey Roman authorities they did so not to overturn the political system or to pray for the death of whatever Caesar was persecuting them. They advocated respect for Caesar and government authority even when they by the virtue of their faith in Christ could not acclaim Caesar as Lord.  Today’s leaders of this movement throw all caution to the wind and elect to pray for the death of the President. Even in the Old Testament there are warnings against cursing the King. “Do not curse the king, even in your thoughts” Ecclesiastes 10:20a and Ecclesiastes 8:2 “Keep the king’s command because of your sacred oath.”

If liberals were saying such things about George Bush or Ronald Reagan the very people who say such things about President Obama would call those who made the comments traitors and call for their censure or even prosecution.  This imprecatory prayer campaign against President Obama and others is led by a fringe element of Evangelical, Fundamentalist leaders like Reverend Drake, Reverend Steven Anderson and the ever carping former Chaplain, defrocked Priest and convicted criminal Gordon Klingenschmitt.  They are capitalizing on the frustration that many feel in regard to the state of the country and the political frustration of not being in power.  Those who play this sordid game have placed a political agenda over the Gospel and have surrendered themselves not to Jesus but to disreputable political hacks who will co-opt faith in order to get votes for their side.  Yes I have seen liberals act stupidly and hatefully against conservative Presidents, in fact quite a few times even referring to them as Nazis,  but I can never recall anything as blasphemous as I have seen in this campaign.  If the leaders of this campaign believe that this will bring people to Christ or change the moral and spiritual climate or course of the nation they are sadly misled.  Their impudence may net a short term political gain but it will further drive those who need Jesus away from him and his church.  Thanks guys for your great witness to the love of God and the reconcilliation that we are to be ambassadors of, the King who laid down his life that the world might be saved.  Oh wait, that salvation doesn’t apply to those that are your political opponents, sorry for the confusion.

Peace,

Padre Steve+

[i] Associated Baptist Press Article retrieved from http://www.abpnews.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=4126&Itemid=53 on 6 February 2010

[ii] Tertullian Chapter XXXVI retrieved from http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/anf03.iv.iii.xxxvi.html?highlight=respect,for,emperor#highlight 6 February 2010

[iii] Ibid, Chapter XXXII retrieved from http://www.ccel.org/ccel/schaff/anf03.iv.iii.xxxii.html?highlight=respect,for,emperor#highlight 6 February 2010

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January 13, 2010 · 23:59

Pat Robertson the Devil and Haiti

Devastation in Haiti (TelegraphUK photo)

Well just when human tragedy couldn’t get any more tragic Pat Robertson decided to get into the act. Following the 7.0 earthquake that devastated that impoverished country leveling the capital of Pot-O-Prince and killing thousands with estimates going into the 100,000 to 1.000.000 range with hurricane season approaching. Not being able to keep his mouth shut my neighbor in the Tidewater has decided to blame the tragedy on to poop people of Haiti on the alleged actions of people who lived over 150 years ago.  Robertson on his 700 Club show commented:

Pat Robertson Hears from God and Tells us about it

“They were under the heel of the French, you know Napoleon the third and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said ‘We will serve you if you will get us free from the prince.’ True story. And so the devil said, ‘Ok it’s a deal.’ And they kicked the French out. The Haitians revolted and got something themselves free. But ever since they have been cursed by one thing after another….”

This is absurdity of course but something that has been spread by some Fundamentalist Christians for years.  Robertson is not alone, blogger Tom Barrett of “The American Daily” says: “Haiti is the only country in the entire world that has dedicated its government to Satan. Demonic spirits have been consulted for political decisions, and have shaped the country’s history.” Thus speaks Reverend Doug Anderson, who grew up in Haiti with missionary parents, and served there along with his wife Dawn as a missionary until 1990. The leaders of Haiti make no attempt to hide their allegiance to Satan. Haiti’s government is a government of the devil, by the devil, and for the devil.”

Unfortunately crap like this has been floating around for years in the United States among some more conservative and fundamentalist Christians for many years.  I can remember in a number of churches where former “missionaries” to Haiti spoke the same tripe.  Unfortunately this is more common than any of us would like to admit and even allegedly educated and “spiritual” people who have money and power like to spout forth such hateful and un-Christian ideology.

Of course such comments are absurd as Jean Gelen of “Black and Christian.com notes:

“Obviously, the idea that Haiti was dedicated to Satan prior to its independence is a very serious and profound statement with potentially grave consequences for its people in terms of how they are perceived by others or how the whole nation is understood outside its borders. One would agree that such a strong affirmation should be based on solid historical and scriptural ground. But, although the satanic pact idea is by far the most popular explanation for Haiti’s birth as a free nation, especially among Christian missionaries and some Haitian Church leaders, it is nothing more than a fantasist opinion that ultimately dissipates upon close examination.”

In fact the issue is less related to a pact with Beelzebub than the American and French governments of the time.  As historian Alex von Tunzelmann wrote in the Times Online in his article “Haiti: the land where children eat mud” said and I apologize for the long quote but I cannot say it better:

“History tells a different story. The appalling state of the country is a direct result of having offended a quite different celestial authority — the French. France gained the western third of the island of Hispaniola — the territory that is now Haiti — in 1697. It planted sugar and coffee, supported by an unprecedented increase in the importation of African slaves. Economically, the result was a success, but life as a slave was intolerable. Living conditions were squalid, disease was rife, and beatings and abuses were universal. The slaves’ life expectancy was 21 years. After a dramatic slave uprising that shook the western world, and 12 years of war, Haiti finally defeated Napoleon’s forces in 1804 and declared independence. But France demanded reparations: 150m francs, in gold.

For Haiti, this debt did not signify the beginning of freedom, but the end of hope. Even after it was reduced to 60m francs in the 1830s, it was still far more than the war-ravaged country could afford. Haiti was the only country in which the ex-slaves themselves were expected to pay a foreign government for their liberty. By 1900, it was spending 80% of its national budget on repayments. In order to manage the original reparations, further loans were taken out — mostly from the United States, Germany and France. Instead of developing its potential, this deformed state produced a parade of nefarious leaders, most of whom gave up the insurmountable task of trying to fix the country and looted it instead. In 1947, Haiti finally paid off the original reparations, plus interest. Doing so left it destitute, corrupt, disastrously lacking in investment and politically volatile. Haiti was trapped in a downward spiral, from which it is still impossible to escape. It remains hopelessly in debt to this day.” http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/us_and_americas/article6281614.ece

One has to look at the practical implications of statements such as Robertson has not only on the people of Haiti but also on how people around the world view the Christian faith.  To his credit Robertson’s “Operation Blessing” charity has done much good, however his statements, even when retracted or clarified by his spokespeople as was done today, damage the efforts of well meaning Christians who go to Haiti not simply to evangelize but to serve and help local churches.  Additionally such statements do immeasurable harm to his fellow Christians of all types as many people who are not Christians assume that such views are characteristic of all Christians.

The reaction to Robertson’s remarks have been predicable, as usual he has played right into his detractors and the critics of the Christian faith. His words will echo far louder than all the Christian aid workers who are already in Haiti or on their way, many at their own expense.  My old training sergeant when I was in my college Army ROTC made a comment that in the Army that there were “attaboys and aw shits” and that “it took 2000 attaboys to make up for one aw shit.”  The same is true in life and in any form or public ministry. Robertson has as usual managed to drop a turd in the communion chalice and piss on Christians who care for the people of Haiti and spend their time and talent to help these good people.

Robertson’s comments ultimately that God would be so vengeful that he would punish the people of Haiti today for the alleged actions of people who in desperation revolted against harsh and brutal colonial masters over 200 years ago.  Of course this takes Old Testament judgments against the people of Israel for their sins “down to the 7th generation” or judgments on the nations surrounding Israel and applies them to current people by isogeting scripture and outside of its historic context in order to bolster crass prejudice against Haitians.  The Haitians are not viewed as people whose current situation is based on alleged “pacts with the Devil” when the only “devil” that they dealt with were the French, Americans and Germans who placed insurmountable burdens on the Haitians that when coupled with corrupt families who dominated Haitian politics for nearly a century doomed these people to the lowest standard of living in the Western Hemisphere.

Robertson and those like him only make matters worse for the Haitians and the Christians who actually go to Haiti to serve the Haitian people.  It is a sad commentary that men like Robertson who have power, money and influence over millions of Evangelical Christians use their position to posit such crap which assumes that somehow God is angry at the Haitians today for things that their founding fathers allegedly did.  I have to ask if this is so how can God ignore the sins of other powerful nations who not only through their ideology, economic policies and prejudices have exploited poor nations like Haiti for their own nefarious purposes.  The idea that somehow the Haitians are any more under God’s judgment than any other nation is prejudicial at best and demonstrates the height of historical ignorance and cultural arrogance.

Robertson as usual has stuffed his foot so deep down his throat that his big toe is almost visible from another orifice and as usual other Christians will have to deal with his statements as they strive to love and serve God and his people.

God bless those who are already on the ground and those on their way to Haiti to help the Haitian people no matter what their religious faith is or is not.  I do pray that people will do whatever they can to contribute to worthwhile organizations who will use the time, talent and treasure of those who give to actually do some good for the people of Haiti and not simply make themselves look good.

Some links are provided here:

The American Red Cross

https://american.redcross.org/site/Donation2?4306.donation=form1&idb=1696340864&df_id=4306&JServSessionIdr004=9lm1250ur1.app197a

Catholic Charities of Miami

https://secure.qgiv.com/cps_donors/?key=catholiccharitiesofthearchdioceseofmiami&restrict=Haiti%2BEarthquake%2BRelief

Samaritans Purse

http://www.samaritanspurse.org/

Salvation Army

http://www.salvationarmy.org/ihq/www_sa.nsf/vw-news/3BA710B2E3E57078802576AA004D0ED3?opendocument

Episcopal Relief and Development

http://www.er-d.org/ERDHaiti/

UNICEF

http://www.unicefusa.org/news/releases/unicef-urgently-appeals-for.html

Peace,

Padre Steve+

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January 11, 2010 · 22:34

Baseball Beyond Life and Death in the ICU

“I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth. And I might have been given a bad break, but I’ve got an awful lot to live for…” Lou Gehrig

Today I was walking away from our hospital pharmacy where I had to pick up a prescription and I heard a voice of a man call out to me…no not a voice crying out in the wilderness, but a familiar voice.  I looked around and immediately recognized the man as the husband of the woman who back in May of last year was very near death in our ICU.  I wrote about that in a little post called Baseball in Between Life and Death in the ICU. That post came at an interesting time for my PTSD battle was still raging, my dad’s condition was getting worse and I was getting ready to go home for what I thought be my last visit and I was heavily engaged on the ICU and PICU.

The lady sat next to her husband, and it was yet another of the recent blessings in my life that I have begun to count as miracles. She looked great, especially since last year her prognosis for her life once she left the hospital was measured in weeks or a couple of months.  The woman was a big baseball fan and even coached.  Her husband kept baseball games on her ICU television whenever they were on even though she was for the most part very heavily sedated and only occasionally conscious. We had many visits by her bedside and one day I brought in a baseball that I had thrown out as the first pitch at a Kinston Indians game on a wedding anniversary a few years back.  With her husband and sister in the room I put the ball in her hand which tightened around it.  For what I understand the ball seldom left her hand as she remained in the ICU.  As we visited they both told me how much what I did in the ICU meant to them, the prayer, anointing of the sick and the baseball.  She told me that the ball, an official Carolina League ball on her mantle.  What was funny she only vaguely remembered my face because of her terrible condition and sedation, but that her husband would not stop talking about me. We chatted some more and talked about all the prayer that had been made on her behalf as well as the hard work of the ICU and Cardiology teams to keep her alive and help her recover.  I mentioned that probably the whole companies of baseball “saints” in heaven were praying for her as well and we all had a great laugh.  I had to leave and go to a call but we exchanged hugs and blessings.

Today has been a busy day.  I have already dealt with the death of a relatively young woman with cancer in palliative care; withdraw of life support from a man and several other situations where people could be spending their last hours or days on earth.  I had given last rites to the woman who passed away tonight last Thursday when I was on call.

I mentioned last week that despite everything I still felt good emotionally though I was physically worn out. Today I am pretty fresh even now and know that I will need to remain her much of the day tomorrow no matter what happens tonight.  However for the first time in a while I can say that I am ready and feel something like my old self again.  What began as Padre Steve’s Christmas Miracle has continued into the New Year and despite complications and infection associated with my implant surgery I feel good. I am hoping to be cleared Wednesday to PT again and am looking forward to good things even in the midst of life and death both inside and outside of the ICU.

There are some other things going on that I will be writing about in the coming days. Baseball spring training is getting closer and lots of deals and trades are happening. The Orioles and Giants have both picked up some hitting and have great young pitching.  On the other news front I am glad that Mark McGuire finally admitted his use of steroids.  At the same time I am not going to condemn him as so many others were doing the same thing, I just wished he had not taken them and come clean sooner.

Now I’m heading back upstairs to check on all of my really sick folks and savoring the bit of time that I had for dinner and to write this little post.

Peace

Padre Steve+

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December 29, 2009 · 23:59

Observations of My Oral Surgery

Today I had the initial part of my implant work done to replace the departed “Undead Tooth of Terror. This was the first time I had oral surgery vice normal dentistry.  If you have never had it the only comparison to regular dentistry is that it involves teeth.  It is real surgery, albeit not like getting your noggin or ticker opened up.  However in the weeks leading up to this surgery I experienced a fair amount of anxiety and even a couple of nightmares related to the procedure, including if something went wrong. When you prepare for something like this, or any other medical or surgical procedure you sign a consent form. These include the risks associated with the procedure as well as the anesthesia.  One of these complications or risks is death which is not on my list of things that I want to experience in the next 30 years or so.

Implant Screws

I’ve done a lot of hospital work in major teaching hospitals, mainly in critical care, ER, Medical, Surgical, Burn, Neurosurgery and Pediatric ICU’s.  I have become quite adept at learning about what goes on in those places, to include understanding something about how critical care intensivists of all types work to include a lot of the technical things that they observe with patients.  I am probably one of the few chaplains who that has a copy of The ICU Book and can read heart rhythms, understanding the relationships of blood pressure, cardiac output, oxygen saturation levels as well as a host of other cool to know things.  When the Abbess was in the Emergency Room at a local hospital I made the diagnosis of her Epiglottis before the physicians.  After that one of our attendings at my hospital told me that wasn’t too late to go back to Medical School.  The thought is intriguing but alas, even Padre Steve doesn’t want to go back to school for that long at this point in life.  However I could probably play a very convincing doctor in film or on TV if given the chance.  I will entertain offers if someone wants to shoot something like MASH.

Today was interesting.  I was taken into one of the oral and maxillofacial surgery operating rooms.  These are equipped with the kinds of monitoring equipment found in an OR or an ICU.  I have observed these on quite a few patients and can read them rather well.  Today the difference was that they were monitoring me and not another person.  So this intrigued me, I have not been to a operating room since I was 7 years old at Bremerton Naval Hospital.  Things have changed in the 42 years between visits, or at least my perspective has changed.

I was seated in what looked like a dental chair on steroids.  I was hooked up to the monitor with a 4 lead EKG and pulse oxygen monitor and had a nasal cannula. An IV was placed and I was asked a litany of questions.  With all the monitors hooked up my doctor came in and talked about the procedure and a light anesthesia ‘cocktail” of drugs including Fentanyl and a couple of others that I cannot remember right now.  A large table was placed before me with a large number surgical and dental utensils.

Normal Sinus Rhythm

I looked up at the monitor as they got things going and made final preparations.  My heart rate was in the 58-67 range in normal sinus rhythm, in fact a very nice looking rhythm. My respiratory rate ranged from 5-11 a minute and my SPO2 or oxygen saturation ranged from 96-99.  Noninvasive blood pressure was 116/71 with a mean of 86.  Not bad for someone nearly 50.  The drugs we injected through the IV access point and I entered what is called “twilight” sedation.” It is a state where you are sedated but can still follow simple commands from the surgeon if need be.  I could hear what was going on but it was like being in a dreamlike state.  Occasionally I could hear the surgeon giving directions to his resident and also the noise of the drill, which was not the normal high pitched sound of a dental drill.

When it was over they brought me up out of the sedation and I looked around, my numbers were still close to what were on the monitor to begin with so I was still alive.  I was allowed to see the x-ray with the placement of the implant mount which is actually screws into the jaw.    I was informed that a bone graft was done and that I would only be able to have liquids and soft foods for the next two weeks.  I’ll have a follow up next week, be off of work until the New Year holiday, no PT for a week and light duty, including being told “not to talk too much” to allow the implant and graft to heal.

As I was collecting myself  I saw the corpsmen disposing of trash and “hazardous waste from the room.  In clear container, actually a container that is used for suctioned fluids from the mouth, was something that looked like a strawberry daiquiri, it was the blood and water suctioned from my mouth during the procedure and was about half full.  I commented to the corpsmen what I thought it looked like which caused them to laugh in agreement and said that I was a beer drinker.  I was wheeled out of the hospital in a wheelchair to the Abbess waited for me in my trusty 2001 Honda CR-V. I can’t drive through tomorrow and am to take it pretty easy.

The pain has been manageable and has been a far cry from the agony I went through during the summer with the Undead Tooth of Terror, something for which I can definitely thank the Deity Herself.

This has given me a small glimpse at the perspective of one of the patients that I see every day, so it has been worthwhile in a number of ways, and not just as a means to better dental health.  I remember Henri Nouwen’s book Beyond the Mirror which recounts his experience as a patient following being hit by the mirror of a truck alongside a road.  Such experiences are important for those who provide any kind of care, especially pastoral care.  For me the almost surreal experience was to borrow a phrase from Star Trek’s Mr. Spock simply “fascinating.”

All I can say is that at least beer is a soft food and though I have an implant I will never look like Mariel Hemingway.

Peace

Padre Steve+

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December 26, 2009 · 23:09

The Feast of Stephen the Second Day of Christmas and the Octave of Christmas et al

Saint Stephen being Crushed by Heavy Stones

December 26th in the liturgical calendar is the Feast of Stephen, or Saint Stephen, to some better known to his friends as “Steve.”  Steve was one of the first seven men ordained by the Apostles as a Deacon.  He gets a significant amount of press in the book of acts which includes the account of his sermon before he got stoned, not like in dope kind of stoned but as in crushed by heavy stones.  Steve is known as the “proto-martyr” a fancy word for getting whacked for his faith before the other martyrs of the New Testament and the nearly 2000 years following.  As a high school student in the 1970s I already was well acquainted with Stephen when I first attended a Conservative Baptist Sunday school class for the first time.  This was back in the fall of 1975 and when asked to introduce myself I quipped “My name is Stephen and I got stoned.”  This went over like a showing a Cheech and Chong movie to the Women’s Missionary Society.  Of course I was a innocent of such things and too this day have never had any illicit drugs and while I have been a bit in the inebriated status I can never say that I have been stoned, even when put on Vicodin for the Undead Tooth of Terror.

The Feast of Steve is the second day in the twelve day “octave of Christmas.” Even if you know nothing about the liturgical calendar you probably heard the carol the “Twelve Days of Christmas.” Likewise you may have heard the traditional English Carol “Good King Wenceslas” a King from Prague who happened to go out peasant hunting, or rather out looking to give alms to peasants and beggars.  Either way you may have heard of this feast or the Octave of Christmas.

The Good King Wenceslas

The Octave of Christmas begins on Christmas day and lasts until January 6th, in the West the Feast of the Epiphany but in the East the Orthodox Christmas. Thus we have the 12 days of Christmas in which time we hear about pipers milking maids listening to a bunch of infernal drummers while a bunch of pompous “lords” are leaping through gold rings held by more birds than you can shake a stick at and it’s not even hunting season.  However, the song, which allegedly according to legend has secret meanings probably related to the Illuminati or at the minimum a worldwide conspiracy to promote some kind of decadent lifestyle.  The actual twelve days of Christmas are a time of celebration which includes days dedicated to time off for peasants, celebration of the Incarnation and days honoring various saints, including the aforementioned Saint Steve.  You might ask about other days within the Octave of Christmas which honor various saints….well I’m waiting…..

Yes I see that had.  You want to know what other days in the Christmas Octave are named for saints.  Well, as I said we have the 26th which is in honor of Saint Steve.  The 27th is the Feast Day of Saint John the Evangelist who penned the verse John 3:16 which used to be held up in the end zones of football games by some guy in a rainbow afro hairdo.  The 28th is the feast of the Holy Innocents which is dedicated to the children of Bethlehem killed by King Herod in the attempt to kill Jesus after his birth.  The 30h is that of Saint Thomas Beckett, and the 31st of December is that of Sylvester, an early Pope, not the cat who starred alongside Tweedy Bird.  January 1st is that of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother of God in the Roman calendar and the Feast of the Holy Name of Jesus in the Anglican calendar.  The 2nd is the feast of Saints Basil the Great and Gregory Nazianzen, Bishops and Doctors of the Church.  In the Roman calendar the 3rd is dedicated to Most Holy Name of Jesus. There are some variations in the observations, for example Anglicans in England celebrate John Wycliffe the Bible translator on the 31st and the Naming and Circumcision of Jesus on the 1st of January, to which I understand the villiage Mohel gets an honorary invitation to attend.  The Anglicans celebrate the Russian Monk Saint Saraphim of Sarov on the 2nd of January.   Episcopalians ironically celebrate the life of Saint Elizabeth Ann Seton the first American Roman Catholic Saint who before she was Roman had been an Episcopalian on the 4th of January.  Anyway…you asked.

Padre Steve’s Namesake: Steve McQueen

So, today was the celebration of Saint Steve, the Patron Saint of Padre Steve, aka me.  Now my parents had no early idea about the liturgical calendar, if they had my name would be Rupert which I would have changed at the earliest opportunity had it been inflicted on me. Rupert whose feast is March 27th was the bishop of Salzburg Austria where the hills really are alive.  Since I am sure that they did not name me after Saint Steve I presume that mercifully in order not to inflict me with one of the family names that are as bad as or worse than Rupert named me after the actor Steve McQueen. It was lucky for me that they did as like Stewie Griffin I would have to have plotted their demise as an infant.  That would not have been pretty but I am sure that since I reportedly had a football shaped head for a while that I could have made this happen.

So have a blessed Octave of Christmas and be safe.

Peace,

Padre Steve+

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December 24, 2009 · 18:26

Padre Steve’s Christmas Miracle

Merry Christmas!

I do not throw the word miracle around lightly.  In fact I generally get irritated when I hear people calling things miracles that are no such thing such as giving God credit for the screw ups or successes of people.  I heard of a case recently where someone’s loved one had a preliminary test that showed possible cancer. Of course the person was upset and asked people to pray.  A second confirmation test was done and it turned out that the first was a “false positive.”  False positive tests are a part of the whole medical package, people and machines make mistakes.  The person sent an e-mail out to announce that the test had been a false positive and then proceeded to say that it had to be God healing the relative in question, not a mistake.  I think that to makes such a claim actually cheapens the term “miracle” and does God a disservice.  God at least to my understanding does pretty well on his or her own.   It is like in baseball where an infielder commits an obvious error that is glaring and the official scorer scores the play as a hit.  Now I rejoice that this person’s loved one did not have cancer, but the fact was that they never had cancer to begin with and thus to call the event a miracle is rather silly.  The same is true when a medical team works their ass off to save someone from death, does everything right and makes the save only to have people give all the credit to God.  Once again I have no doubt that God can be involved but to simply write off the efforts of dedicated people is to do a disservice to God.  I think that God is okay with people that he or she created getting credit where credit is due.

Miracles are rare and not everything is a miracle.  So when I say that I am experiencing a miracle I am certainly not doing so just to make me look deserving or extra spiritual.  Anyone who knows me knows that such a claim would be fraudulent.   I think that miracles related to one’s spiritual and psychological condition are rare and since there is no lab test to prove that you are all better that they are difficult to quantify.  When I hear people talk about being completely “healed” in such matters I am a wait and see kind of person, as Ronald Reagan once said: “Trust but verify,” especially in regard to anything to do with me, simply because I don’t want to look like an ass or by my claims make God look stupid when they do not pan out.

The past couple of years have been the hardest of my life.  I have talked about the effects of PTSD, issues with my father’s Alzheimer’s disease, my own sense of alienation and isolation, anxiety, depression and the crisis of faith that I experienced quiet a few times so I will not rehash them in this essay.  The reality is that they are a reality that I have had to try to come to grips with.  For most of this time I have existed in a world where everything hurt and I struggled to believe.  Imagine having to pray for people when you are wondering if God even exists at times.  To put it mildly it sucks.   That has been my world, despite my expertise at what I do and the pent up knowledge that exists in the gray matter mounted in my bald brain housing group it has been a struggle to keep going.

While PTSD, anxiety and depression are major issues I think the thing that made them worse was how alone I felt and how it seemed that God had abandoned me.  I think that was actually more frightening than the nightmares, insomnia, fear and everything else associated with my experience in and return from Iraq.  I believe, at least from my experience that a crisis of faith and feeling alienated and abandoned by God is one of the most frightening and dehabilitating things that can happen to a Priest or any other minister.  In fact I am pretty sure that when you ask ministers who have left the ministry that somewhere in their experience is a crisis of faith. That might be hidden by other circumstances but I’m pretty sure that it is there.

Christmas in Iraq…The Last Time I Felt the Presence of God…until Now

The past 22 months since returning from Iraq have been a terrible ordeal in an emotional and spiritual sense, however something has begun to happen and I cannot place my finger on it but somehow I am beginning to feel touched buy the grace of God again.  It actually began quite unexpectedly.  I came home from a disastrous trip to visit my parents in November completely wiped out and depressed.  It seemed that I had crashed yet again and I expected that this Christmas would be no different than that of last year where I left Mass before it began and walked for an hour in the dark and cold wondering where God had gone.  So when things started to happen, beginning ironically with the experience of performing the last rites for a patient in our ER and experiencing a number of other situations where I again felt part of something bigger than me I was surprised.  Lo, even astonished at events that I couldn’t explain were happening as well as the fact that people care for me, all kinds of people, co-workers, friends from baseball, friends from Gordon Biersch and friends from church.  I think that is where I began to realize that God might just care and maybe that there was hope for me again that maybe what I did mattered.

Today was a busy day as I walked about the medical center.  I saw the work of my physician, nurse, corpsmen and technicians of various sorts as they fought to save the lives of people.  I spent time with our staff as they worked to stabilize a very sick child for transport to another hospital in a last ditch attempt to save the child’s life as the child’s mother looked on.  I watched our ER team assisted by one of our anesthesiologists from the ICU work to save the life of an elderly man and get him to the ICU.  I saw surgeons and neurologists evaluating and working with a fairly young man who is in dire straits.  For all of these folks Christmas Eve and Christmas day are days that they are “in the fight.” They are days where the miracle is real, but not evidenced to all.  I am amazed by the skill, dedication and care of all of these folks who are attempting to ensure that Christmas does not end badly for others, both the patients in their charge as well as their family members.

Mid afternoon I was walking down the hall and I experienced a wave of emotion flood over me, and unlike the majority of emotions that I have felt in the past couple of years this was different.  It was a feeling of grace and I guess the presence of God.  I went up and talked with Elmer the shrink about what I was feeling and the experience was awesome, I was in tears as I shared, not the tears of sadness, but of grace.  I am beginning to re-experience the grace of God, something that has been so long absent that I did not expect it, at least right now.  I didn’t do anything differently; I certainly was not working extra hard to pray more, get more spiritual or pack my brain full of Bible verses.  I was too far gone to do those things.  It was all I could do many mornings just to get out of bed and come to work.

Now I know that I still have some hurdles in regard to my PTSD and that I am still not a “full up round” spiritually, but I have hope again. I am not the same Christian or Priest that I was before Iraq.  I have changed in a lot of ways, but that is not necessarily a bad thing.  I know I have a long way to go, but for the first time in this see that I might actually get there.

I guess that is the miracle. Last year I dreaded the very thought of Christmas and this year I look forward to the Advent of Jesus, the Christ.  That in the middle of life and death, experiencing pain, alimentation and all that I have described that something has touched my life and I have hope again.  Tonight the Abbess is singing at her 5 PM Mass while I attend the 6 PM Mass over at Saint James Episcopal on my way home from work.  When we get home we will have dinner together, open presents, watch Molly open her presents and probably if I have my way watch funny Christmas movies and specials as we spend the night together.

I pray that you will experience some measure of grace this Christmas, or whatever you celebrate.  I do pray that God will protect us all and that we will be able to experience together the grace, mercy and peace of God.

Merry Christmas my friends, thank you for being there for me this year.

As Tiny Tim said at the end of Dickens’s A Christmas Carol: “May God bless us all.”

Peace,

Padre Steve+

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December 24, 2009 · 00:59

Padre Steve’s Meditation on the Nativity

“Actually, Lucy, my trouble is Christmas. I just don’t understand it. Instead of feeling happy, I feel sort of let down.” Charlie Brown in “A Charlie Brown Christmas”


When Christmas comes and you struggle with faith, see little hope and even despair of life, even the thought of Christmas coming can make the season even more difficult.  I know, I have gone through this since my return from Iraq.  Christmas 2008 was so frightful due to PTSD symptoms, insomnia, anxiety, depression and a crisis in faith that I could see little to hope in.  It was so difficult that before Mass began at the Abbess’s parish that I couldn’t stay.  I walked home in the cold and dark, not directly home but the long way looking up at the heavens and wondering if God was even there.  For the first time in my life I could really relate to Charlie Brown.  That as I have mentioned before was actually a terrifying thought.  Even in the darkest of times in seminary I never lost hope and always felt something special at Christmas.  In Iraq in 2007 I felt an incredible closeness to God as I traveled about to my advisers along the Iraqi-Syrian border having the chance to celebrate Christmas Eve and Christmas Eucharist and spend time with our guys and distributing toys, school supplies and cold weather clothing to Bedouin families who invited us in for Ch’ai tea and food.  But in 2008 faith was dry and hope, well hope was something that I prayed for as I walked home that Christmas Eve.

This year has been one of ups and downs but I have noticed that I have been feeling better the past few weeks.  Yes I still have problems sleeping but I am actually trying to get to bed earlier but I still have my struggles with faith and God but unlike last year I am looking forward to the celebration of Christ’s Incarnation.  The message of “Emmanuel, God with Us” is something that I find resonating again.  Maybe it was in that moment a couple of weeks back where I was on call and ended up having the blessing of doing an anointing, or “last rites” of a retired Navy doctor who had done his internship at my hospital and having the experience of having him breathe his last as I completed the rites.  There was something miraculous about that man, his life and faith that allowed the Deity Herself to somehow let me be on call and respond with exactly what he desired in his final moments on this earth.  Maybe it was running into a lady who had spent two months in our ICU earlier in the year.  At numerous times her condition was so critical that it appeared that she would die. However she spotted me is I was filling my cup of water and ice in the hospital food court and pulled me aside.  She was doing great and thanked me for being there for her.  Then there were other times where I was able to get outside of my problems and be part of other people’s lives, many times those who are critically ill like Sadie Harrell who on her death bed took the time to bless those around her, give directions to her family and before asking for more pain medications telling me that it was time to pray.   I could give the accounts of numerous people, staff and patients at our hospital as well as people at church, friends that I have known for years and people that I have gotten to know through this website and Facebook as well as my friends at the Church of Baseball, Harbor Park Parish and Gordon Biersch.

Some of those have been through responses of people to what I write on this website.  A few days ago I heard from the son of my ROTC training NCO Master Sergeant Harry Zilkan who passed away a few years back.  I talked about Sergeant “Z” in my post “Remembering the Veterans in my Life.”  I was honored to hear from him and hear how much he appreciated what I said about his dad.  When I started this site back in February I saw it as an outlet for me, and that it has been, at the same time I find that there are people very much like me who have walked in similar shoes who have been blessed by what I write.  This is actually quite humbling.

Like I said this year has been different. I still have a hard time with prayer though extemporaneous prayer on the behalf of others is becoming relatively normal again even if I still have not been able to resume my regular prayers of the Daily Office which died during Lent because they had become rote and were more of a duty than a part of life.  I had never expected that, but I think I will use the Nativity to begin again.

This has been a year of transition as I have struggled with a crisis of faith, the seeming absence of God, PTSD, anger, depression and anxiety the condition of my father with his Alzheimer’s disease and problems dealing with my mother.  Likewise, I find that the feeling of being vulnerable, weak and the pain of having to deal with all of those emotions for the first time that I can remember is not where I want to be, but does give me empathy for those who have lived with these feelings for years.  In a sense I have began to be part of that community.  At the same time despite all of this that faith is returning and I can sense hope again.  Even the Scriptures for the season and the songs and carols are touching me again.  The sense of tradition in the liturgy at church has been good for me since beginning to attend Saint James Episcopal Church in Portsmouth.  I am finally beginning to hope again.

For me this comes in “the fullness of time” at least my time. The scripture from Galatians comes to mind. This is part of the Sunday liturgy for the Sunday after Christmas this year:

4But when the fullness of time had come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, 5in order to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as children. 6And because you are children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our* hearts, crying, ‘Abba!* Father!’ 7So you are no longer a slave but a child, and if a child then also an heir, through God.* Galatians 4:4-7 NRSV

I once again feel the message of deliverance spoken of by the prophet Zephaniah:

Sing aloud, O daughter Zion;
shout, O Israel!
Rejoice and exult with all your heart,
O daughter Jerusalem!
15The Lord has taken away the judgments against you,
he has turned away your enemies.
The king of Israel, the Lord, is in your midst;
you shall fear disaster no more. Zephaniah 3:14-15

Tonight I will be at Saint James even as the Abbess sings at the 5 PM Mass at her parish.  I am looking forward to the Mass tonight.

I do pray that whatever you are doing tonight and regardless of whether you are a Christian or not that you will know joy, peace and the presence of God this season.  I think of the Jewish physicians at the Medical Center who are covering today and tomorrow to allow their Christian colleagues to attend services and be with their families.  God bless you guys, you’re the best!

As I said yesterday, Merry Christmas or whatever you do.

Peace and blessings,

Padre Steve+

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December 16, 2009 · 23:59

Oral Passes, Tiger Crashes, Baseball Dances and Odd Thoughts

A few thoughts for the mid-week…

First an Icon of American Religious life passed away yesterday.  Oral Roberts died at the age of 91.  Regardless of one’s views of his ministry, theology or lifestyle Reverend Roberts was a trendsetter. For better or worse he was a major influence on American religious life. Roberts in his television ministry, crusades and university helped to bring Pentecostalism into the mainstream of American life.  His positive message of “Something good is going to happen to you” inspired many who were not Pentecostals.   The University that bears his will likely be his legacy in merging his beliefs with an institution that became regionally accredited breaking out of the simple unaccredited Bible College tradition that was a hallmark of Pentecostalism and Evangelicalism.  There are some that loved him and some that loathed him but one cannot deny his influence on the American religious life and culture.  His departure from the scene leaves Billy Graham, Pat Robertson and Paul Crouch from the pioneers of modern Christian media.  While Roberts was controversial in terms of some of his pleas for financial support and criticism of his lifestyle, he never seemed to me to have the angry edge of other early televangelists including Jimmy Swaggart, Jerry Fallwell (in his early ministry) and others.  Having worked in a television ministry while I was in seminary back in the early 1990s I am not a big fan of  television ministries from the standpoint of the huge amounts of money involved and potential for abuse.  However one cannot deny the impact that Oral Roberts had on the American religious scene.

Tiger Woods has crashed hard and I pray that for the sake of him and his family that he will be reconciled with his wife and make amends.  I have no double that he will return to greatness on the PGA Tour but for now I hope that he is able to reclaim his life.  As much as his actions speak poorly of him as a person I am disappointed with the media which has used every opportunity to take him down further.  Of course this was aided by his media advisers who let him be a target and did not pre-empt  things that they obviously knew would come to light.  Can anyone say Bill Clinton or Richard Nixon?  I hope that the media frenzy around Tiger dies down so he and his wife can attempt to salvage their marriage if it is even possible now.

The Phillies, Blue Jays and Mariners deal to bring Roy Halliday to Philly and send Cliff Lee to Seattle looks to me like a bad deal for the Phillies, Halliday is a great pitcher but unproven in the post-season and the Phillies gave up their best pitcher and top pitching prospect to get him.  The addition of John Lackey to the Red Sox makes their rotation very strong.  The departure of Hideki Matsui for the Yankees to the Angels helps the Halos who had lost Chone Figgens and Lackey.  The Angels will need to find a good starter to replace Lackey.  The Yankees picked up Curtis Granderson from the Tigers at very little expense to them.  The Giants have not done much as of yet and the Orioles acquired starting pitcher Kevin Millwood from the Rangers and came to terms with Matt Albers and Cla Meredith.  The Orioles could use some power in their offensive lineup.

Barry Bonds agent Jeff Borris stated last week that Barry Bonds would not return to playing baseball.  Bonds has not played the last two season but not retired.  His name will be forever linked to the steroids controversy and his reputation tainted for years to come.  I do not know if he will get in the Hall of Fame, but if the players from the 1940s and 1950s who used amphetamines can be admitted and Gaylord Perry who admitted using the spit-ball, which was illegal can be in the club I see no reason not to admit Bonds.  Many players have been named in the scandal but only Bonds has been pursued by investigators and prosecutors who have spent millions of dollars of our tax money over the past number of years to attempt to catch Bonds.  However, their misconduct of investigators and prosecutors themselves who violated the law in attempt to gather evidence to convict Bonds is shameful and their inability to get charges to stick shows the weakness of their case.  It is time for the investigation of Bonds and the others to end. Let baseball fans, writers and players determine their future.

The Most Valuable Network which I had been invited on in the summer to write The View From 102 went Tango Uniform last week.  I had been unable to post as they had been going through a transition that did not work out. I am contacting media outlets who are taking writers from MVN to relaunch the View from 102.

The Navy released the promotion zone message for FY 2011.  I am right in the middle of the zone for consideration to the grade of Commander.  I hope that I make it.

My Bishop for the Armed Services visited this week for a trip to the USS Carl Vinson.  We had a nice time with him and I deeply appreciate him.  Bishop Woodall is a dear friend.

I am looking at a couple of writing projects for actual books.  As they develop you may see snippets of them here.

I watched two of my favorite Christmas movies last night Scrooged and Christmas Vacation. They are classic albeit a bit twisted.  Would you expect anything else from me?

In less than two weeks I will have oral surgery to emplace my implant where the Undead Tooth of Terror used to live. While I look forward to getting something back into the empty slot were the Undead Tooth of Terror lived, thrived and survived I am not looking forward to the surgery, the anesthesia or the excavation and drilling process.

Christmas is coming and I am nowhere near ready.  Maybe I should move my celebration to January 6th, the Russian Orthodox Christmas…more time plus post Christmas sales….hmmm….

I have duty tomorrow, get to stay in house at the medical center.

Peace

Padre Steve+

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December 14, 2009 · 23:59

Doubt and Faith: My Crisis in Faith and Why I am Still a Christian an Advent Meditation

Note to my readers. This is an older article that I wrote back in December 2009, when after nearly two years of struggle with the effects of PTSD, depression, anxiety, loss and a crisis of faith that made me for all practical purposes an agnostic. I think it is timely now, not because of what is currently going on in my life but rather because of the stories I hear from those that struggle with faith at Christmas. Peace, Padre Steve+

Lord I believe, help me in my unbelief.

A new liturgical year is upon us and with the season of Advent Christians look forward to the “Advent” of Christ both in looking forward to the consummation of all things in him as well as inviting him back into our lives as we remember his Incarnation, as the Creed says “For us and for our salvation he came down from heaven: by the power of the Holy Spirit he became incarnate from the Virgin Mary, and was made man.”

At the same time for a lot of people the season of Advent and Christmas are incredibly difficult and times where faith, already difficult becomes nearly impossible.  For many the season is not a time of joy but depression, sadness and despair.

For me Advent and Christmas were times of wonder and mystery and I really found it difficult to understand how anyone could be depressed during the season.  Until I came home from Iraq…

While I believe the Scriptures and the Creed this I have to admit that for the last 22 months since returning from Iraq I have doubted, been depressed and at times felt like God had abandoned me.  Things were so difficult last year that I went to the Christmas Eve Mass with the Abbess and was crashing so hard that I had to leave. I walked through the night for over an hour until I got home, a walk that is a maximum of 10 to 15 minutes from the church.  It was probably the lowest point of my life as a Priest, chaplain and Christian.

Since I returned from Iraq my life has been a series of ups and major downs. In dealing with PTSD, anxiety, depression and chronic insomnia as well as my dad’s painfully slow degeneration with Alzheimer’s disease to the point that he no longer recognized me on my last visit, I have struggled with faith.  Prayer became difficult at best and as I dealt with different things in life I knew that I didn’t have any easy answers.  Going to church was painful. Chaplain conferences even more so, except being with others who struggled like me.  About the only place that I could find solace was at a baseball park.  For some reason the lush green diamond comforts me.

I find that the issue of doubt is not uncommon for a lot of people, including ministers of all faiths. For those of us who are ordained and view our ministry or our Priesthood as a sacred vocation this is difficult to deal with.  Ministers and others who suffer a crisis in faith, depression or despair endure a hell because it is not supposed to happen to us. I do believe that for many people a religious leader who has doubts and struggles with his or her faith is disconcerting.  I can remember a myriad of situations where pastors due to a myriad of reasons experienced a crisis in faith many of which involved great personal loss such as the loss of a child, a failed marriage, being let go or fired by a church, or experiencing a major traumatic event.  These were good people and quite often instead of being enfolded by a caring community of faith they were treated as faithless, failed and worthless, often abandoned or excluded from their faith community as if they were criminals.

When I was younger I used to look askance at pastors who had given up, lost their faith, or abandoned the ministry for whatever reason.  As a young seminary student and later young chaplain I had a hard time with this, it made no sense to me and I was somewhat judgmental until I started to get to know a decent number of “broken” ministers from various faith traditions that a lot more went into their decision than simply not being tough enough to hang in there until things got better.  At the same time I never thought it would happen to me. I thought I was “bulletproof,” that it could never happen to me. And it did and I was stunned.

When I came back from Iraq I came home to find that my office had been packed up and many mementos lost, it took months to find most and there are still important documents that have never been recovered. My accomplishments went unrecognized on my return home.  As I crashed no one asked about my faith until Elmer the shrink did when he met me.  Later my Commodores, first Frank Morneau when he found out about my condition and Bob Sitsch when he took command of EOD Group 2 both asked me about my faith.  I told them that I was struggling. Commodore Sitsch asked me “Where does a Chaplain go for help?”  On the professional side I felt isolated from much of my church and many chaplains.  I was angry because I felt that I deserved better, because I had done all that was asked of me and more.  The Chaplains that I knew cared all worked in different commands and were not immediately available and I was ashamed to go ask them for help.

I appreciated simple questions like “How are you doing with the Big Guy?” or “Where does a Chaplain go to for help?” It showed me that people cared.  When I went to the medical center I dealt with many difficult situations and was haunted by my dad’s deterioration, the latter which I still deal with today.  To have a close family member mock my vocation, service and person and provoke me into rages was equally taxing.  Likewise the absolute hatred and divsion in the American political debate tore my heart out.  I felt like, and in some ways still feel like we are heading down a path to being “Weimar America.”

There were many times that I knew that I had no faith.  People would ask me to pray and it was all that I could do to do to pray and hoped that God would hear me.  Even the things that I found comforting, the Mass, the Liturgy and the Daily Office were painful.

This Christmas and Advent is better than last.  I am finding meaning again.  The little Episcopal Church that I attend helps me in this.  It is much like the churches that I grew up in.  The hymns and the liturgy are comforting.  I am beginning to rediscover faith.  A week and a half ago I was paged stat or our ER where an elderly man was dying.  He was 91 years old and had suffered a heart attack at his family home not far from the hospital.  He has served as a Navy Officer and later Navy doctor and had done his internship at our medical center in the 1940s.

I sprinted to the ER and when I got to his room was introduced to his wife.  She asked if I would pray and then asked if I was Episcopal.  I said I was a Priest in an Episcopal denomination and she asked if I could give her husband, a life-long Episcopalian the last rites.  The man was obviously in his last moments of life.  I performed the Rite and when I finished he passed away.  My hand was on his brow when he breathed his last and his body began to lose its warmth.  One of the Doctors said it was like he had waited until I got there.  The man died with his family, was at home in the house his father built and had eaten what he said was the best “stew of his life” before he passed out.  He died at the hospital he trained at and loved with his family at his side and received the last rites of the Church.  I left the ER after a wonderful chat with his wife, who reflected on his life and how blessed that he was to go out like this.  I left the ER knowing that I had been part of something miraculous.  My eyes were opened and for one of the few times in the past 22 months I felt the presence of God again.

I am still a Christian.  Why is sometimes hard to figure.  I am not a Christian because of the my Church, though I love the Church, it often has been for me a sourse of pain and rejection.  I am not a Christian because of what is called “Christian” nor can I ignore the injustice, violence and oppression wrought by those who called themsleves Christian throughout history.  Slavery, the subjectation and conquest of who peoples to take their land and resources and wars of agression blessed by “Christian” leaders are all part of history.  At the same time much progress has come through the work, faith and actions of Christians and the Church. Despite all of the warts I can like Hans Kung “I can feel fundamentally positive about a tradition that is significant for me; a tradition in which I live side by side with so many others, past and present.” (Kung, Hans Why I am Still a Christian Abingdon Press, Nashville 1987 p. 36)

Neither am I a Christian because I think that the Christian faith has “all” of the answers.  In fact coming through Iraq I understand what my Church History Professor, Dr Doyle Young said “all of people’s deepest needs are not religious.”  Nor am I a Christian because I think that Christians are somehow better or more spiritual than others.  In fact I find the crass materialism and self centered “What can God to for me?” theology and way of life to be deeply offensive.  People get sick, young children die, innocents are subjected to trauma even from their parents or siblings.  Good people endure unspeakable trials while sometimes it seems that evil people get away with murder.  I can’t chealk it all up to a naive “it’s God’s will” kind of theology.  I don’t presume to know God’s will and I can’t be satisfied with pat answers like I see given in so many allegedly Christian publications, sermons and media outlets.  Praying doesn’t always make things better. I remain a Christian in spite of these things.  I still believe that God cares in spite of everything else, in spite of my own doubts, fears and failure.  I still believe, Lord help me in my unbelief.

I look forward to Christmas this year. I look forward to the coming of Emmanuel, God with us.  We sang the hymn “O Come O Come Emmanuel” at Church Sunday.  It was what I needed to hear.

O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan’s tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o’er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death’s dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,
Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai’s height,
In ancient times did’st give the Law,
In cloud, and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

For those that like me struggle with faith, feel abandoned by God, family and friends.  For those who have experienced the crisis of faith or even a loss of faith I pray that all of us will experience joy this season.  I’m sure that I will have some ups and downs, I certainly don’t think that I am over all that I am still going through.  However I know that I am not alone to face my demons and pray that by opening up that others who are going through similar experiences will find hope.  O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer, our spirits by Thine advent here. Disperse the gloomy clouds of night, and death’s dark shadows put to flight.

Peace,

Padre Steve+

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December 4, 2009 · 01:01

Yes Friends, God Really Does Speak to Me Through Baseball

“Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona. Not all holes, or games, are created equal.” George Will

Padresteve, Jeff and Angels 3rd Base Coach Rocky Bridges in 1970

Well we are deep into football season, while hockey, basketball that World Cup qualifiers move along.  Don’t get me wrong.  I know these sports well but for me they are not the same as baseball.  I have played all of them in school, the biggest mistake that I made as a kid was forsaking organized baseball first for hockey and then for football.  I gave up playing my first love for short term flings with other sports.

The Church of Baseball, Harbor Park Parish

I was down walking the concourse at Harbor Park the other day to relax following about 32 hours spanning two nights at the hospital.  I like going to the ballpark even when it is the off season because it is one of the few places where I can be fully relaxed and at peace.  Tuesday was beautiful, the temperature was in the mid 50s with sunshine and a light breeze, the field was a brilliant great and the ever present grounds crew was at work.  In the front office I talked with a number of the office staff about players who would and would not be coming back for the 2010 season as well as highlights of the past season.  The Tides have a wonderful front office staff.  To walk the concourse from behind home plate, out to the right field corner and then back across to the left field picnic area and then to go down to my seat in Section 102, Row B seats 1 and 2 at the Church of Baseball, Harbor Park Parish is a highlight of the week when I have the chance to do it.  I feel closeness to God at the ballpark that after Iraq is hard for me to find in many other places.  For me there is a mystery and magic about a ballpark that just isn’t there for the other sports, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

For me the other sports can grab my momentary attention but because of their nature cause them to be merely ordinary and occasionally interesting.  Baseball is another matter, it is more than a game, it is a metaphor for life, a spiritual experience and a game that mirrors life and faith in many ways. For me this goes back to childhood.

As a kid my dad made me learn the fundamentals of the game and whether we were attending a game in person, watching one on television or playing catch, pepper or practicing infield or pitching in the back yard or in a park, dad was all about the game.  Of course he was the same way with football, hockey and basketball, but the sport that he seemed most passionate about was baseball.  As a kid he was a Cincinnati Reds fan.  His mother, my grandmother who hailed from the hollers of West Virginia was a die hard Dodgers fan.  That I still wonder about to this day, but she was the same woman who as a widow in the late 1930s went to work, raised her two boys and bought her own house.  Unlike most of the state she was also a Republican, long before West Virginia ever voted for a Republican either President or statewide office. True to form Granny was a Dodgers fan in a land of Reds, Indians and Pirates fans, fierce and independent.  However, as a Giants fan I mourn how she had been taken in by the power of the dark side.  Despite having fallen under the spell of the Dark Lords Granny was a real baseball fan. Any time you went to Granny’s house and there was a game on, the television was tuned in to it.  We were immersed in baseball thanks to my dad and his mother.

Dad always made sure that we got to see baseball wherever we lived. In 1967 he took us to see the Seattle Pilots during their first and only season in that fair city before they went to Milwaukee and became the Brewers.  In the elementary schools of those days many our teachers would put the playoff and World’s Series games on the TV as many of those games were played during daylight hours.  I remember watching Bob Gibson pitch when the Cardinals played against the Red Sox in the 1967 series.  It was awesome to see that man pitch.   I remember the Amazing Mets upsetting the Orioles in 1969 and the Orioles take down the Reds in 1970. I will never forget the 1970 All Star Game where Pete Rose ran over Ray Fosse at home plate for the winning run and the great dynasty teams of the 1970s, especially the Reds and the Athletics who dominated much of that decade and the resurgence of the Yankees in the summer that the Bronx burned.

Me with Angel’s Manager Lefty Phillips 1970

When we were stationed in Long Beach California dad had us at Anaheim stadium all the time.  I imagine that we attended at least 20 games there in 1970 and another 25-30 in 1971 as well as a couple at Dodger stadium that year.  We met a lot of the Angel players at community events and before the games. I entered the “My Favorite Angel” contest and my entry was picked as a runner up. This netted me two seats behind the plate and having Dick Enberg announced my name on the radio.  I wrote about Jim Spencer a Gold Glove First Baseball who later played for the Yankees.  I still have a hat from that team with numerous autographs on the inside of the bill including Sandy Alomar, Jim Spencer, Jim Fregosi, Chico Ruiz, and Billy Cowan. It was a magical time for a 10 year old boy.

When we moved to Stockton California dad took us to see the A’s dynasty teams including a number of playoff games.  But he also took us across San Francisco Bay to watch the Giants.  I got to see Ed Halicki of the Giants no-hit the Mets a Candlestick on August 24th 1975.  I got to see some of the greats of the era play in those stadiums, Catfish, Reggie, McCovey, Garvey, Vida Blue, Harmon Killebrew and so many others.  I also became acquainted with Minor League Baseball at this time through the Stockton Ports. At the time the Ports were the Class A California League farm team for the Orioles.  I remember a few years back talking to Paul Blair the Orioles great Paul Blair who played for the Ports in the early 1960s about Billy Hebert Field and how the sun would go down in the outfield blinding hitters and spectators in its glare.  Today I have a renewed interest in the Orioles because of their affiliation with the Norfolk Tides.

As I have grown older my appreciation for the game only deepens despite strikes and steroids and other problems that plague the game at the major league level.  I am in awe of the game and the diamond on which it is played.  I have played catch on the field of dreams, seen a game in the Yankee Stadium Right Field bleachers, seen a no-hitter, playoff games and met players. I’ve watched the game in Japan, seen historic moments when deployed to combat zones in and have thrown out the first pitch in a couple of minor league games.  I am enchanted with the game. The foul lines theoretical go on to infinity, only broken by the placement of the outfield wall.  Likewise unlike all other sports there is no time limit, meaning that baseball can be an eschatological game going on into eternity. The Hall of Fame is like the Calendar of Saints in the Catholic, Orthodox and Anglican Churches.  There are rituals, the exchange of batting orders and explanation of the ground rules, the ceremonial first pitch, players not stepping on the foul line when entering and leaving the field of play, no talking about it when a pitcher is throwing a no-hitter and the home run trot. The care of a field by an expert ground crew is a thing to behold, especially when they still use the wooden box frames to lay down the chalk on the baselines and the batters box.

My kitchen and much of my dining room are as close to a baseball shrine as Judy will let me make them.

Since I returned from Iraq the baseball diamond is one of my few places of solace.  For the first time last year I bought season tickets to my local minor league team the Norfolk Tides.  Section 102, row B seats 1 and 2 from which I will, the Deity Herself willing take in the 2010 season at the Church of Baseball, Harbor Park Parish.  The home opener is April the 8th against the Durham Bulls, barely 4 months away.  From there I will sit back and imagine the words of James Earl Jones in Field of Dreams:

“The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It’s been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and what could be again.”

In a sense this says it all to me in an age of war, economic crisis and division.  In a sense it is a prayer. Peace and blessings, Steve+

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