Category Archives: life

A Day of Preparation

Friends of Padre Steve’s World,

Today has been as busy and tiring day as I have tried to get ready for Judy’s Second knee replacement surgery early. The effort was hindered and pushed back when my right knee gave out I fell down my porch last Thursday. It led to Judy doing a lot more of the work than she was expecting. Today I came home after work and did all I could before I pooped out to continue to get the house ready for when Judy returns from the hospital, most likely Sunday.

We have to be at the hospital at 6:30 AM and while she is probably either finishing surgery or in recovery I will be attending the funeral of our friend Mitch Vickers who died in his sleep last week. Then it will be back to the hospital for much of the rest of the day before I head home, let to puppies out and get back to work. I anticipate that I will complete what I can on Saturday with the expectation that she will be home Sunday. My knees hurt, my hip hurts, and my ankles hurt, but I got some work done. Eventually, I did some work on some materials I am writing for a sermon I will be delivering on the last day of Passover at a local synagogue where a friend is the Rabbi. The title is Lest We Forget: Walk, Remember and Bear Witness: Bearing Witness to the Holocaust when All who lived it Have Passed Away.

It will become my next book draft and deal with how history, memory, and walking those sacred places where the heinous crimes of the Nazis which beggar the imagination, the Holocaust was executed by Hitler’s SS, the army, the police, civilian Party and government offices, aided by the corporations that profited from the war and use of slave labor.

Eventually you will see portions of it here, although much has already been written due to my visits to those hallowed sites, and illustrated with my own photos and pictures from the era.

Pray for Judy, Mitch’s wife Barbara, and wish me well. By the way the puppies won’t be happy, because for a while they will be banned from sleeping with us. But such is life. By the way, Pierre says hello.

Until tomorrow,

Peace,

Padre Steve+

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A Klassiker Drubbing, A Wedding, and a Reunion

Friends of Padre Steve’s World,

Today was a good day. I was able to do a limited amount of work to help Judy around the house last night and today as we get ready for her second knee replacement surgery Friday, and I will continue with that tomorrow. It hurts and I have to use a cane to get around, but we are making progress. I have my own appointments for my knees on Monday and Tuesday and submitted my cancellation request for my voluntary retirement on Friday so I can get my knees, hips, and other medical needs fixed before I leave active duty.

I helped Judy to the extent I could today and she allowed me to watch on the ESPN app the progress of the Bayern Munich vs. Borussia Dortmund “Klassiker” match since Fox Sports dropped it to their Spanish channel which needs a subscription to view. That pissed me off because Bayern blew out Dortmund in every sense of the meaning of blowout by a score of 5-0. Bayern Striker Robert Lewendowski scored his 200th and 201st Bundesliga goals in the beat down. In which Bayern controlled the ball 59% of the game, had 22 shots, 10 of which were on goal while limiting Dortmund to 4 shots, just one of which was on goal, taking command of the race for the Bundesliga title, leading by a point with a 15 goal differential. The difference between today and the winter break for the Bundesliga when Dortmund had a 9 point lead on the table and had beaten Bayern 3-2 in a thrilling game made Dortmund the team to beat. But since then it has been all Bayern, as die Röten chipped away at Dortmund’s lead battling injuries and questions about their first year coach Niko Kovac and finally took the lead on Dortmund with 6 matches left in the season. If Bayern can finish strong it will be their 7th straight Bundesliga championship, but the first one in years that has had been such a thrilling title chase. It’s not over yet but I think, as I told my NATO German friends back in January, when it is done Bayern will be on top. Of course to understand this you have to be a fan of a team which has big rivals and a tradition of winning. For the record, Bayern has won a total of 70 league, National, European, and international championships or cups. There are not that many other professional sports teams that have such a record of championships. I expect they will add to that this year with another Bundesliga title and probably another German Cup, but I digress…

In other news I had the honor of officiating the marriage of a dear friend and colleague from the Joint Forces Staff College. She is a wonderful woman, brilliant intellect, retired Navy Commander, with a great personality and sense of humor. Over the years she has gone through a lot of hard times, but with grace and dignity. When she asked me to conduct her wedding and to meet her fiancé I was overjoyed. I had never seen her look so happy and to at the same time discover that her fiancé was a gem. It was an honor and joy to marry them this evening.

Likewise, the event was a reunion with a lot of my friends from the Staff College. That was a remarkable time. I have missed them since transferring to Little Creek in April 2017. Today I got around with the help of a cane. Last year I was walking and running 5-15 miles a day 5 days a week and would go to Gettysburg and Antietam and walk up to 20 miles a day with a pack on my back across those hallowed battlefields. My friends there want me to come back when my voluntary retirement is canceled, which it should be.

So anyway, until tomorrow,

Peace

Padre Steve+

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“After You Hurt the Knee it isn’t as Fun…” Padre Steve Deals With More Knee Injuries

I Don’t Know if I will be Able to Climb Little Round Top Again

Friends of Padre Steve’s World,

Last night I went to bed a bit down because of the unexpected death of my friend Mitch. But, I was also thinking about ways I could try to get back into shape as I awaited a consult from the Sports Medicine Doctor to the orthopedic surgeon who did the arthroscopic surgery on my left knee. Physical therapy on Tuesday had gone well and because I have been doing so well I stopped using a cane or crutch to stabilize me as I walked. I thought I was making progress.

To a certain extent I was, my left knee and leg were getting stronger, despite the fact that my right knee has not responded to the non-surgical Platelet Rich Plasma and Gel injection treatments given over the past two and a half months. But I had also not taken as seriously as I should the continued pain and weakness in the right knee, and the fact that it has been buckling on me of late. My sports medicine doctor told me that it looked like something other than osteoarthritis was the cause of my right knee problems, my kneecap feels loose and the doctor thinks something may be going on underneath the patella.

I knew I had physical therapy today and was looking forward to more improvements. Then the unexpected happened. My right knee buckled and gave out as I was walking down the steps from my front porch to the car. I fell in a heap at the bottom of the steps, my left knee landed hardest on the concrete walkway while my right knee hit the bricks in our planter, but that was a glancing blow. My left ankle feels like it has a mild sprain, the right foot has a lot of pain on the top of the foot below the ankle. I have no idea what is going on with it. My left knee hurts worse than before or after my surgery.

I wondered if I should wake up Judy and have her take me to the ER or maybe try to get an appointment with my PCM, or just contact the surgeon, and go to physical therapy. I sent an email to the surgeon, contacted the head of the officer retirement section at the Naval Personnel Center, and then went to physical therapy. My physical therapist put me through the paces and it was agonizing. She, a civilian, also warned me in a stern voice: “Sir, if I ever hear of you walking around without using a cane or crutch, I will kick your ass…” I believe her.

By the time I got back to the office from physical therapy I had heard back from the man at NPC who recommended that I modify or cancel my current voluntary retirement orders. I also heard back from my surgeon’s nurse. All agreed that I should request that the retirement orders be cancelled and a new request submitted for my mandatory date of my 60th birthday in late March.

That was something I had began to expect when I got word from the Sports Medicine doctor that there was something else wrong with my right knee other than osteoarthritis, which I suspected back last August when I fell down my stairs. I always knew I had arthritis in my knees but it was mild and never interfered with any of my physical activities. The only times the knees hurt before that fall was in cold damp weather. After that it has been difficult. Despite the fact that I didn’t have a torn meniscus in my right knee it constantly hurt worse than the left knee, I held out hope that the non-surgical procedures would make the difference.

So I emailed my Commanding Officer, Executive Officer, and Regional Chaplain to explain what I am going to have to do. All were sympathetic and tomorrow I will submit my request through my Commanding Officer, and on to NPC where it will need to be approved. The head of the officer retirement branch doesn’t think it will be a problem. If It gets approved I can probably get the treatments/ surgeries that help me recover.

This is a disappointment. I really was looking toward to going on terminal leave, having my retirement ceremony and re-entering the civilian world in September. I don’t like being as crippled as I am. Last year at this time I was walking, power-walking, or running 5 to 15 miles a day, five days a week. I am so discouraged by this, I cannot do anything like that now. Likewise, for me it embarrassing to have to admit that I am physically broken.

I agree with the great New York Jets Quarterback, Joe Namath said:

“After I hurt the knee, football wasn’t nearly as much fun. I was limited. But you make do with what you have. I adjusted some. I was lucky to play as long as I did, with the different kinds of injuries I got. I played with two severed hamstring muscles in my leg late in my career. I could barely run, other than to drop back to pass.”

I fully agree with him. Until last year I have had very few physical injuries that I couldn’t overcome. Perhaps they will be able to fix me before I retire, and I am not one to give up hope or belief that I can get better. I won’t stop trying, because I want to be able to hike 15 to 20 miles in a day, up and down broken terrain and climb Little Round Top at Gettysburg without using the roads.

I’ll keep you informed, so pray for me a sinner,

Peace,

Padre Steve+

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Unexpected Death, Friends, and Conditions Requiring me to Probably Postpone Retirement

Friends of Padre Steve’s World,

There are so many things I could Write about today, but late this afternoon I found that one of our friends from Gordon Biersch passed away yesterday. The cause is still undetermined bit we were with him here Monday. Mitch and his wife Barb have been friends for years.

I am reminded of the words of Marcus Aurelius: “Do not act as if you had ten thousand years to throw away. Death stands at your elbow. Be good for something while you live and it is in your power.”

I am shocked. Just a couple of weeks ago I lost another friend, younger than me. Confronting mortality is difficult. From the first time I had a gun held to my head during a robbery to the last time I was under fire in combat I have imagined what it would be like to die. I’m not obsessive about it, but when a friend suddenly passes away, it makes me think. T.E. Lawrence wrote words with which I can heartily agree:

“Immorality, I know. Immortality, I cannot judge.”

Most of the times Mitch came here he came here to read and socialize. You couldn’t say anything negative against him. He was quiet, polite, friendly, and interested in other people. He was also intelligent, and while he primarily read fiction, was quite well versed in other subjects. I really feel bad for Barb, she lost a great husband. Word of his passing reverberated throughout the bar and restaurant. One of our bartenders was on the verge of tears when he found out. Most of us were just in shock.

As for me, he was about my age, which is another reminder of my mortality, and another reason to be thankful about my life and the blessings I have.

I also found out today that if I need surgery on my right knee that since I am within six months of my approved voluntary retirement date that I may have to cancel my planned retirement and go with a retirement date based on my statuary retirement when I am 60. That would mean a retirement date of April 1st of 2020. It won’t make people happy but according to the head of the retirement branch since I was approved for voluntary retirement I could cancel that request in order to serve out the rest of my statuary retirement time. Since I have a chaplain coming in to replace me in October it shouldn’t even a problem. The details will probably be a pain in the ass, but if I can get my knee fixed while still on active duty it will be worth it. I don’t want to be pushed into the VA system when my injury might preclude employment. I don’t mind the VA system if I am able to work, but I don’t want to be unemployable immediately after I retire because I need surgery and a recovery period, so maybe I need to cancel my current retirement plans and settle for April 1st, 2020. Not that I wasn’t looking forward to getting the heck out of Dodge when I could. There are a lot of things I see coming in the Military, the Navy, and the Chaplain Corps that I have great concerns about, and if I had the choice I would retire tomorrow. However, when I submitted my retirement papers last July I never expected the injuries I incurred the following month, the delays in treatment, and the non-response of my right knee to all treatments so far.

Honestly, by now I expected to be able to walk and jog again with a minimum of discomfort. Instead, both knees try to go out on me and hurt like the devil. My surgeon tells me that my left knee is as good as it will get and will likely require a replacement in a few years. I am okay with that, so long as my right knee gets fixed or replaced before I retire. It hurts a lot worse than the left knee, which was the case before I got hurt. This requires actions that I would not have considered until now.

So anyway, until tomorrow,

Peace,

Padre Steve+

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If I Couldn’t Laugh I would go Insane: Maintaining my Sanity in the Age of Trump

Friends of Padre Steve’s World,

Humor matters. No really, in a time like ours when things all around us are deadly serious. Threats of war, environmental disasters, and maybe even the loss of democracy and the destruction of American institutions by the Trump Cabal and his Cult like followers are very real parts of our lives.

In the aftermath of Attorney General Bob Barr’s release of a three and a half page summary of a 300 page plus report by Special Counsel Robert Muller, in which the Attorney General basically exonerated the President from any wrong-doing without the report being made public or even released to Congressional committees in under 48 hours. The fact that the Mueller probe netted more indictments and convictions than any special counsel in the past 50 years is forgetting, even the media is cowering before Trump and not holding his or Barr’s feet to the fire for not releasing the report.

The fact that Barr is Turing it over to Trump’s lawyers and staff to redact before releasing portions to Congressional investigators or the public is tantamount to obstruction justice by the chief law enforcement officer in the country. No wonder Trump wanted Jeff Sessions out. Despite his personal flaws, politics, and at times sycophantic relation with Trump, Sessions had enough integrity and respect for our institutions not to cover up this report. That’s why Trump fired him. Now Trump has an Attorney General who has written that he would have exonerated Richard Nixon and has rushed to Trump’s Side to suppress the report is more than telling. Barr is the Fox in the henhouse.

Likewise the attacks on Trump opponents by the President, his GOP sycophants in Congress and the Right Wing media have gone way over the top. They know they are hiding criminal activities, and the supposed party of law and morality has no problem with it.

But apart from voting and speaking out I cannot change any of this, so I have to maintain a sense of humor in order to live, thrive, and survive.

Over the past couple of months I have binged watched all eleven seasons of Fraser, the BBC comedy ‘Allo, ‘Allo, the dark comedy After Life with Ricky Gervais and now have started on Cheers.

I need to laugh, especially in times like these.

So I think of Jimmy Buffett’s chorus in the song Changes Of Latitudes, Changes Of Attitudes, which is dear to my heart:

With these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudesNothing remains quite the same.

With all of my running and all of my cunning, If I couldn’t laugh I just would go insane

If we couldn’t laugh we just would go insane, If we weren’t all crazy we would go insane…

So until tomorrow,

Peace,

Padre Steve+

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A Few Thoughts about Life on My 59th Birthday

Friends of Padre Steve’s World,

Yesterday was my 59th Birthday and I plan on sharing a few bits of wisdom among the events of the day. The great Roman Emperor and philosopher Marcus Aurelius wrote:

“Perfection of character is this: to live each day as if it were your last, without frenzy, without apathy, without pretence.”

I think that is a good birthday thought. I came across it last nigh before bed and I think that it describes the way that I want to live my life.

My day began with a visit to my doctor to see what is going on with my left hip. On Sunday night when in a deep sleep and not having any of my violent dreams my left hip exploded in pain. I had been previously diagnosed with osteoarthritis in both knees, but I had never been bothered by pain in the left hip. Yesterday I had an appointment scheduled with a doctor different than my primary care manager who called in sick, so I saw my own PCM today, got new x-rays to compare to the last ones, and some medications. They said it would take a couple of days for radiology to read the reports so I won’t know what is going on for a few days. I wonder if the osteoarthritis has gotten worse. It hurts like hell trying to get up and down and walking, stairs are a bitch, even laying down hurts. At least the pharmacy wasn’t crowded and not too stressful. For that I am thankful because usually that pharmacy is so crowed, cramped and slow that I leave with a severe anxiety attack, and yes this particular reaction goes back to a particular incident in Iraq.

Even with that today has been a good day. After the medical appointment I went out with Judy to breakfast, and then did a little shopping with her. Then we went home and hung out with out Papillon babies. I got a call from my mom and brother, those were both nice, and today, in spite of all the turmoil in the country and around the world my soul is at peace. Since being told by my Commanding Officer and Regional Chaplain to take care of all my medical issues and prepare for retirement my blood pressure has gone back down to my normal, 114/68, instead of spiking to 160/100 as was the case just a few weeks ago.

I have received hundreds of well wishes and greetings for my birthday on Facebook, and so far I have made a personal response to each one, though I know that I have more to answer. I’ve had them from the United States and Canada, the U.K., The Netherlands and Germany, Australia and South Korea. I have known some of the people for 50 years or more. Honestly, I think that is the only reason that I stay on Facebook. Every one of them means something to me that is special, and some of us cannot agree on anything anymore in the current political environment but I cannot help but to remember each one with love and appreciation. You see, I don’t have to agree with someone’s politics, ideology, or religious beliefs to still love and appreciate them. At times I haven’t done well in this, but honestly it is my baseline. Some of the most meaningful exchanges today were with friends who we have had it out and disagreed in a most uncourteous manner to each other. That is when you know you have a friend.

I guess that the late Bob Marley was right“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” Likewise when it comes to friendship I cannot help but to remember the quote of General William Tecumseh Sherman about Ulysses Grant. “Grant stood by me when I was crazy, and I stood by him when he was drunk, and now we stand by each other.” That’s my kind of friend.

Later in the evening we went out and did our usual things. Since Judy will be getting her left knee replaced on April 12th she went to her group of friends to work on her ceramic projects and she dropped me off at Gordon Biersch, where I continued to answer all the well wishes from friends, had some dinner, talked Baseball with the early crowed, soccer with a couple of young guys later, and then spent some time with an active duty service member from a local base who I have started getting to know over the past couple of weeks. He was in Iraq before me and was there during some of the worst of the action. He saw a lot worse than I did and both of us struggle with PTSD and sleep issues. Judy came and got me and we hung out until closing, talking with friends and each other.

It was a good day. We’ll find a time to actually celebrate my birthday in the next week or too, no rush.

But when you start pushing 60 years old memories of the past, worries about the future and visions of mortality begin to intrude on life, that is why I think that what I quoted from Marcus Aurelius is so spot on. The same is true of the German Lutheran theologian Jürgen Moltmann who observed:

“As time goes on we become old, the future contracts, the past expands…But by future we don’t just mean the years ahead; we always mean as well the plenitude of possibilities which challenge our creativity…In confrontation with the future we can become young if we accept the future’s challenges.”

We went to bed late, spent some good time with our three Papillons and then passed out. We spent most of the morning getting our cars serviced and the afternoon with her doing some artwork as I perused the news. We continue to work hard to prepare for her surgery and dealing with what the sports medicine doctor will recommend next week for my right knee. I am doing my best to keep up the physical therapy to at the minimum strengthen myself.

I found out this afternoon that one of my high school friends passed away last week. I just noticed the obituary. He was a good man, a father, pastor, and football coach. I had the opportunity to serve with one of his nephews on the USS HUE CITY. He made a difference in a lot of lives.

It kind of put a damper on the day but then I remembered a quote from the film Star Trek Generations, in which Captain Picard tells Commander Riker:

“Someone once told me that time was a predator that stalked us all our lives. But I rather believe than time is a companion who goes with us on the journey, and reminds us to cherish every moment because they’ll never come again. What we leave behind is not as important how we lived. After all, Number One, we’re only mortal.” 

Today is a new day and the future still awaits, By this time next year, Lord willing and the Creek don’t rise, I will be retired from the Navy and hopefully teaching college history, and humanities in the civilian world, hopefully I’ll be sporting the beard I practiced growing on our last Germany trip.

So until tomorrow,

Peace,

Padre Steve+

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A Walking Anachronism: thoughts on Approaching my 59th Birthday

Friends of Padre Steve’s World,

In two days I celebrate my 59th birthday amid a lot of physical issues regarding and concerns for the future of the country I am reminded that in today’s military I am an anachronism. I’m old, broken, and pretty much useless. I have so many medical and physical therapy appointments that my deputy and other staff pretty much handle everything, and I sign a few things, give them advice and support them.

In the mean time I try to collect the multitude of medical records from the different branches that hold them, and since I am still being treated every so often I have to request the latest bunch. I am sure that I have over 2000 pages of them. Today I organized them. I bought a bunch of those brown accordion file binders, the big ones, hold up to 5 1/2 inches of documents each. I have them dived up into the old handwritten records, the new records in a system called ALTA, which I have no idea what it stands for; of which there are so many that it requires two binders to hold them all; my mental health records, all of which have been occurred since I returned from Iraq in 2008, I have a full binder of those and am waiting on the records from the civilian psychiatrist the Navy sent me to at Camp LeJeune to complete that set as well as the records I continue to compile. I also have a binder of dental records in which I have also placed the CDs of my radiology studies. The whole collection must weigh 25 or 30 pounds, and I have a big bag to carry them around in, it was actually a bag sent back with Judy from the hospital after her first knee replacement surgery.

Last night was tough. I had a bunch of stuff going in my mind about the future of the country under Trump. I couldn’t be in the moment and Judy called me on it. I went to bed early but woke up with my left hip in screaming pain. Of course it was about 4 AM and the dogs decided that they needed to go outside. In agony I hobbled down the stairs and let them out, and after rewarding them I dragged myself up to bed. It still hurts like the devil so I have an early appointment to get it looked at, afterward I get to do physical therapy. The only good thing about it was that it made me forget the pain in my right and left knees and right hip. I am beginning to wonder with all the physical injuries piling up and needing treatment if I will have to have my official retirement date pushed back. Next week I go to the sports medicine doctor who has been working on my right knee, I presume that the next step is sending me to the bone and joint center. Since arthroscopic surgery has already been ruled out the next step will likely be be knee replacement, after which they might get around to my hips and shoulder.

I am a broken down anachronism. Of course once I get repaired I won’t be broken down, but I’ll still be an anachronism. In season five of the series The Blacklist, Raymond Reddington is asked a question by Agent Elizabeth Keane who has been revealed as his daughter:

Liz: How does it feel to be a walking anachronism?

Red: Righteous.

In a way it does, especially when someone asks you out of the blue to tell you your story because it was included in an article that was required reading for a class on Moral Injury at Yale Divinity School. At my point in life there is nothing to embellish, nothing to try to make me look heroic, just tell the truth, warts and all. It is as Reddington described, righteous.

So this anachronism will continue to live, do all I can to get my injuries fixed, and look forward to a future that has been as good or better than my past. Judy helped get that into my head this afternoon when confronting me on my attitude.

In spite of everything I can say I’ve had a great life, a wonderful wife, and over the course of our marriage 6 dogs, three of which live with us and are the light of our lives, and two of the others who make ghost appearances from time to time. The last is obviously too happy in heaven getting her belly rubbed with an infinite supply of puppy cookies.

So until tomorrow,

Peace,

Padre Steve+

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