Category Archives: life

For Whom the Bell Tolls: It Tolls for the Dead we Honor this Weekend

Friends of Padre Steve’s World,

The Poet John Donne wrote:

No man is an island,

Entire of itself.

Each is a piece of the continent,

A part of the main.

If a clod be washed away by the sea,

Europe is the less.

As well as if a promontory were.

As well as if a manor of thine own

Or of thine friend’s were.

Each man’s death diminishes me,

For I am involved in mankind.

Therefore, send not to know

For whom the bell tolls,

It tolls for thee.

Today my base remembered the 94 men and women who deployed from here after September 11th 2001 who did not return. My role was purely advisory this year, unlike past years where I have been deeply involved in the service. The chaplain I assigned to coordinate this ceremony in conjunction with our base command triad, our Public Affairs Officer, and the tenant units did a remarkable job. Chaplain Charlie Mallie did a hell of a job herding cats and pulling off a flawless ceremony. I know, because nearly every day for the last two weeks I went to his office and let him vent. Honestly, I think he did better than I did the last two years.

Our ceremony involved tolling the bell for each of the 94 men and women as their names were read and their pictures shown. I knew, served, or trained with a decent number of these men and women. As I remembered them, I remembered other comrades who have sacrificed their lives in this forever war, and those who died of wounds or ended their lives after returning from war. Those names and faces are forever with me. They are my brothers and sisters.

It is hard to believe that I had been in the military 20 years when it began. I have a nephew who is within a few weeks of graduating from Marine Corps boot camp who was less than a year old when it began. He’s a hard charger, I got a letter from him today, he is so motivated to excel, he wants to be the best. He’ll be a great Marine and I am proud of him. I can see the growth in him since he first reported. I only pray that any future Commander in Chief will be worthy of him, obviously the current one won’t, and I pray that Trump will not send us into even worse wars, wars that my nephew might might have to fight, and could conceivably be kept on active duty to support. I don’t have to walk well to make notifications to families.

As for Trump and his acolytes I only can echo the words of Ernest Hemingway wrote in his novel For Whom the Bell Tolls:

There are many who do not know they are fascists but will find it out when the time comes.

As for me, I found out officially that I won’t retire until next year in order to get my medical issues resolved. I am glad for that. I do want to finish up strong, but I digress…

Memorial Day is not about those who currently serve, or those who have left the service and still live. It is about those who for whom today the bell tolled, 94 from our base and about 7,000 others, not counting those who died after they left the service, of which there are far too many.

It is also for all of those who died in all the wars since the American Revolution. This is about them. Thank them, not me, and certain do not thank President Trump if he chooses to pardon convicted and accused war criminals this weekend, something that will forever stain the reputation of the American military, and will lead to worse, but again I digress, I cannot imagine a U.S. President pardoning convicted war criminals, but President Trump is special.

When I went do do my aquatic physical therapy this week, I parked in the hospital’s main parking garage and walked through the old cemetery on the hospital grounds. It is the resting place of American Sailors, Marines, Coast Guardsmen, some Confederates, Russians, Germans, British, and sailors from other countries, quite a few unknown. It is humbling to walk through such a place. It is hollowed ground, and it is a place to remember and put things in perspective.

For most people this Memorial Day will be a weekend of ball games and barbecues, parties and platitudes, but honestly, it is for them for whom the bell tolls and Taps blows. But remember for whom the bell tolls this weekend, I know that it tolls for all those who died, it tolls for the known and the unknown.

Until tomorrow,

Peace,

Padre Steve+

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Filed under History, life, Military, Political Commentary, remembering friends, us army, US Marine Corps, US Navy, war crimes, War on Terrorism

“So It Goes” Reading, Writing, and MRI Results

Friends of Padre Steve’s World,

Robert Louis Stevenson wrote: ““I kept always two books in my pocket, one to read, one to write in.”

I kind of do that, except ever since I hurt my knees, instead of my pocket I carry them in a replica German WWII medical aid bag. It was either do that or get a Murse, had to hold a bunch of stuff in one hand when walking with a crutch because of bad knees. I got the MRI results back on my right knee today. I had the MRI done late last Monday night. It took almost nine months since I hurt it to get the MRI. Instead I received a round of physical therapy, followed by referral to Sports Medicine for various forms of injection therapy. Cortisone shots, Platelet Rich Plasma, and Gel injections, before the Sports Medicine Doctor said that all my treatments were basically for arthritis and had failed, admitting that something else was going on. “So it goes.”

Since last August I told every doctor that examined me that I knew that I had arthritis in the knee but it had never interfered with my life until I had my fall down the stairs last August. I knee then that I had injured it. The MRI showed much more damage than the arthritis, which was bad, basically forming bone spurs in a knee that had no cartilage left, with other damage. The surgeon who ordered it was the one who did my arthroscopic surgery on my left knee. He explained that about the only surgical option was knee replacement. I kind of figured that months ago. “So it goes.”

So Monday I go back to my aquatic physical therapy and I am doing to start going the local recreation center which has an indoor heated pool with a track in it in order to strengthen myself before any surgery. I see the bone and joint surgeon after physical therapy Monday morning. Hopefully I will get the surgery scheduled to replace the knee. “So it goes.”

But all that is a lead up to my May Reading Rainbow.

Like Robert Louis Stevenson I always carry at least one book to read, and one to write in. The only thing the one I write in is my iPad. I kind of have to, I can barely read my own writing so this is the better option. But as far as my reading has gone I have been reading up a storm over the past month, and am continuing to do more. Over the past couple of months I have read Justice Michael Musmanno’s The Eichmann Kommandos which was about the Einsatzgruppen Trials; John Meacham’s The Soul Of America: The Battle for Our Better Angels; Doris Kearns Godwin’s Leadership In Turbulent Times; Anthony Beevor’s The Battle Of Arnhem: The Deadliest Airborne Operation Of World War II; My Old Professor Helmut Haeussler’s book General Wilhelm Groener and the Imperial German Army; Terrance Petty’s Enemy of the People: The Untold Story Of the Journalists who Opposed Hitler; and Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse Five. “So it goes.”

I also re-read Raul Hilberg’s Perpetraters, Victims, Bystanders: The Jewish Catastrophe 1933-1945, and Timothy Snyder’s Black Earth: The Holocaust as History and Warning. I am currently reading Christopher Browning’s Remembering Survival: Inside a Nazi Slave Labor Camp, and Joshua Greene’s Justice at Dachau: The Trials Of an American Prosecutor.

I keep books in my aid bag to read during the waiting times at doctors appointments, waiting in military pharmacies and anywhere else I can find a moment to read, and of course the iPad is there for when the muse strikes. Samuel Johnson noted:

“The greatest part of a writer’s time is spent in reading, in order to write; a man will turn over half a library to make one book.”

So until tomorrow,

Peace,

Padre Steve

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Reading and the Encouragement Of a Friend When Needed

Friends of Padre Steve’s World,

This is going to a weird post. It is mixed with various emotions, feelings of failure, abandonment, physical disability, frustration with a system, and yet another loss of a friend. It is also a reflection on my love of history and wisdom from the life of Franklin Delano Roosevelt. In the midst of a crisis that threatened the fate of the entire country and its citizens. In his first inaugural address he noted: “Only a foolish optimist can deny the dark realities of the moment… the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

It has been a hard few days, and for that matter the last decade or so and I am exhausted. I didn’t post anything for two days because I was too tired, so I finished reading Doris Kearns Godwin’s book Leadership In Turbulent Times. I am glad that I did because I have become quite discouraged about all the things wrong with my knees, hips, ankles and other medical problems; weight gain from being unable to do what I like doing (walking and running); and frustration with the delays in care I experience with Navy Medicine. I am physically broken as well as spiritually and emotionally depleted. I feel crippled.

The book deals with the lives, points of crisis, and leadership of Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and Lyndon Johnson. It is worth the read, for all experienced failure and when in office had to deal with issues that threatened the Nation itself.

I am struggling at the end of my military career of almost 38 years. I was beginning to have quite the pity party. Not to say that I am not struggling, I have been feeling like a failure of late, crippled and useless; but Goodwin’s depiction of Franklin Roosevelt’s continual battle with Polio and the way that he kept a positive outlook and encouraged others, in such a manner that what would have kept others from any kind of success. The key to his success was investing in others and making a connection with people no-matter where he served.

Late last night I got a personal message form one of my sailors, at the time a young enlisted man expressing his care for me and Judy. It ended up in a conversation and it made me think about what Roosevelt did with others. I expressed my real gratitude to him, he has a good heart, and cares for for people, probably better than I do, and I told him that. His care for me made caused me to reflect, I have felt like a cast off from the Chaplain Corps for years, yet here was a young man remembering me from service together that began in 2001, and he took the time to encourage me when I was down. That’s the way Franklin Roosevelt dealt with people.

I began to think about my my knees and having to use a cane to keep me stable on my feet. I figure if Roosevelt could find ways to succeed and not let himself slip into self-pity, then maybe I can too, no matter what goes on with my knees. My young friend reminded me of that. He also reminded me that care for people was why I am here.

Likewise, yesterday I was down about the death of my friend Father Jim Parke. Father Jim was the kind of man who never knew a stranger and for the last 16 years of our lives he has been there for us in times of difficulty and joy.

To my friend Marc, thank you. You made my day last night, and Father Jim, my friend thank you for years of friendship, and Rest In Peace.

Until tomorrow,

Peace

Padre Steve+

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A Day of Preparation

Friends of Padre Steve’s World,

Today has been as busy and tiring day as I have tried to get ready for Judy’s Second knee replacement surgery early. The effort was hindered and pushed back when my right knee gave out I fell down my porch last Thursday. It led to Judy doing a lot more of the work than she was expecting. Today I came home after work and did all I could before I pooped out to continue to get the house ready for when Judy returns from the hospital, most likely Sunday.

We have to be at the hospital at 6:30 AM and while she is probably either finishing surgery or in recovery I will be attending the funeral of our friend Mitch Vickers who died in his sleep last week. Then it will be back to the hospital for much of the rest of the day before I head home, let to puppies out and get back to work. I anticipate that I will complete what I can on Saturday with the expectation that she will be home Sunday. My knees hurt, my hip hurts, and my ankles hurt, but I got some work done. Eventually, I did some work on some materials I am writing for a sermon I will be delivering on the last day of Passover at a local synagogue where a friend is the Rabbi. The title is Lest We Forget: Walk, Remember and Bear Witness: Bearing Witness to the Holocaust when All who lived it Have Passed Away.

It will become my next book draft and deal with how history, memory, and walking those sacred places where the heinous crimes of the Nazis which beggar the imagination, the Holocaust was executed by Hitler’s SS, the army, the police, civilian Party and government offices, aided by the corporations that profited from the war and use of slave labor.

Eventually you will see portions of it here, although much has already been written due to my visits to those hallowed sites, and illustrated with my own photos and pictures from the era.

Pray for Judy, Mitch’s wife Barbara, and wish me well. By the way the puppies won’t be happy, because for a while they will be banned from sleeping with us. But such is life. By the way, Pierre says hello.

Until tomorrow,

Peace,

Padre Steve+

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A Klassiker Drubbing, A Wedding, and a Reunion

Friends of Padre Steve’s World,

Today was a good day. I was able to do a limited amount of work to help Judy around the house last night and today as we get ready for her second knee replacement surgery Friday, and I will continue with that tomorrow. It hurts and I have to use a cane to get around, but we are making progress. I have my own appointments for my knees on Monday and Tuesday and submitted my cancellation request for my voluntary retirement on Friday so I can get my knees, hips, and other medical needs fixed before I leave active duty.

I helped Judy to the extent I could today and she allowed me to watch on the ESPN app the progress of the Bayern Munich vs. Borussia Dortmund “Klassiker” match since Fox Sports dropped it to their Spanish channel which needs a subscription to view. That pissed me off because Bayern blew out Dortmund in every sense of the meaning of blowout by a score of 5-0. Bayern Striker Robert Lewendowski scored his 200th and 201st Bundesliga goals in the beat down. In which Bayern controlled the ball 59% of the game, had 22 shots, 10 of which were on goal while limiting Dortmund to 4 shots, just one of which was on goal, taking command of the race for the Bundesliga title, leading by a point with a 15 goal differential. The difference between today and the winter break for the Bundesliga when Dortmund had a 9 point lead on the table and had beaten Bayern 3-2 in a thrilling game made Dortmund the team to beat. But since then it has been all Bayern, as die Röten chipped away at Dortmund’s lead battling injuries and questions about their first year coach Niko Kovac and finally took the lead on Dortmund with 6 matches left in the season. If Bayern can finish strong it will be their 7th straight Bundesliga championship, but the first one in years that has had been such a thrilling title chase. It’s not over yet but I think, as I told my NATO German friends back in January, when it is done Bayern will be on top. Of course to understand this you have to be a fan of a team which has big rivals and a tradition of winning. For the record, Bayern has won a total of 70 league, National, European, and international championships or cups. There are not that many other professional sports teams that have such a record of championships. I expect they will add to that this year with another Bundesliga title and probably another German Cup, but I digress…

In other news I had the honor of officiating the marriage of a dear friend and colleague from the Joint Forces Staff College. She is a wonderful woman, brilliant intellect, retired Navy Commander, with a great personality and sense of humor. Over the years she has gone through a lot of hard times, but with grace and dignity. When she asked me to conduct her wedding and to meet her fiancé I was overjoyed. I had never seen her look so happy and to at the same time discover that her fiancé was a gem. It was an honor and joy to marry them this evening.

Likewise, the event was a reunion with a lot of my friends from the Staff College. That was a remarkable time. I have missed them since transferring to Little Creek in April 2017. Today I got around with the help of a cane. Last year I was walking and running 5-15 miles a day 5 days a week and would go to Gettysburg and Antietam and walk up to 20 miles a day with a pack on my back across those hallowed battlefields. My friends there want me to come back when my voluntary retirement is canceled, which it should be.

So anyway, until tomorrow,

Peace

Padre Steve+

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“After You Hurt the Knee it isn’t as Fun…” Padre Steve Deals With More Knee Injuries

I Don’t Know if I will be Able to Climb Little Round Top Again

Friends of Padre Steve’s World,

Last night I went to bed a bit down because of the unexpected death of my friend Mitch. But, I was also thinking about ways I could try to get back into shape as I awaited a consult from the Sports Medicine Doctor to the orthopedic surgeon who did the arthroscopic surgery on my left knee. Physical therapy on Tuesday had gone well and because I have been doing so well I stopped using a cane or crutch to stabilize me as I walked. I thought I was making progress.

To a certain extent I was, my left knee and leg were getting stronger, despite the fact that my right knee has not responded to the non-surgical Platelet Rich Plasma and Gel injection treatments given over the past two and a half months. But I had also not taken as seriously as I should the continued pain and weakness in the right knee, and the fact that it has been buckling on me of late. My sports medicine doctor told me that it looked like something other than osteoarthritis was the cause of my right knee problems, my kneecap feels loose and the doctor thinks something may be going on underneath the patella.

I knew I had physical therapy today and was looking forward to more improvements. Then the unexpected happened. My right knee buckled and gave out as I was walking down the steps from my front porch to the car. I fell in a heap at the bottom of the steps, my left knee landed hardest on the concrete walkway while my right knee hit the bricks in our planter, but that was a glancing blow. My left ankle feels like it has a mild sprain, the right foot has a lot of pain on the top of the foot below the ankle. I have no idea what is going on with it. My left knee hurts worse than before or after my surgery.

I wondered if I should wake up Judy and have her take me to the ER or maybe try to get an appointment with my PCM, or just contact the surgeon, and go to physical therapy. I sent an email to the surgeon, contacted the head of the officer retirement section at the Naval Personnel Center, and then went to physical therapy. My physical therapist put me through the paces and it was agonizing. She, a civilian, also warned me in a stern voice: “Sir, if I ever hear of you walking around without using a cane or crutch, I will kick your ass…” I believe her.

By the time I got back to the office from physical therapy I had heard back from the man at NPC who recommended that I modify or cancel my current voluntary retirement orders. I also heard back from my surgeon’s nurse. All agreed that I should request that the retirement orders be cancelled and a new request submitted for my mandatory date of my 60th birthday in late March.

That was something I had began to expect when I got word from the Sports Medicine doctor that there was something else wrong with my right knee other than osteoarthritis, which I suspected back last August when I fell down my stairs. I always knew I had arthritis in my knees but it was mild and never interfered with any of my physical activities. The only times the knees hurt before that fall was in cold damp weather. After that it has been difficult. Despite the fact that I didn’t have a torn meniscus in my right knee it constantly hurt worse than the left knee, I held out hope that the non-surgical procedures would make the difference.

So I emailed my Commanding Officer, Executive Officer, and Regional Chaplain to explain what I am going to have to do. All were sympathetic and tomorrow I will submit my request through my Commanding Officer, and on to NPC where it will need to be approved. The head of the officer retirement branch doesn’t think it will be a problem. If It gets approved I can probably get the treatments/ surgeries that help me recover.

This is a disappointment. I really was looking toward to going on terminal leave, having my retirement ceremony and re-entering the civilian world in September. I don’t like being as crippled as I am. Last year at this time I was walking, power-walking, or running 5 to 15 miles a day, five days a week. I am so discouraged by this, I cannot do anything like that now. Likewise, for me it embarrassing to have to admit that I am physically broken.

I agree with the great New York Jets Quarterback, Joe Namath said:

“After I hurt the knee, football wasn’t nearly as much fun. I was limited. But you make do with what you have. I adjusted some. I was lucky to play as long as I did, with the different kinds of injuries I got. I played with two severed hamstring muscles in my leg late in my career. I could barely run, other than to drop back to pass.”

I fully agree with him. Until last year I have had very few physical injuries that I couldn’t overcome. Perhaps they will be able to fix me before I retire, and I am not one to give up hope or belief that I can get better. I won’t stop trying, because I want to be able to hike 15 to 20 miles in a day, up and down broken terrain and climb Little Round Top at Gettysburg without using the roads.

I’ll keep you informed, so pray for me a sinner,

Peace,

Padre Steve+

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Filed under healthcare, life, Loose thoughts and musings, Military, PTSD

Unexpected Death, Friends, and Conditions Requiring me to Probably Postpone Retirement

Friends of Padre Steve’s World,

There are so many things I could Write about today, but late this afternoon I found that one of our friends from Gordon Biersch passed away yesterday. The cause is still undetermined bit we were with him here Monday. Mitch and his wife Barb have been friends for years.

I am reminded of the words of Marcus Aurelius: “Do not act as if you had ten thousand years to throw away. Death stands at your elbow. Be good for something while you live and it is in your power.”

I am shocked. Just a couple of weeks ago I lost another friend, younger than me. Confronting mortality is difficult. From the first time I had a gun held to my head during a robbery to the last time I was under fire in combat I have imagined what it would be like to die. I’m not obsessive about it, but when a friend suddenly passes away, it makes me think. T.E. Lawrence wrote words with which I can heartily agree:

“Immorality, I know. Immortality, I cannot judge.”

Most of the times Mitch came here he came here to read and socialize. You couldn’t say anything negative against him. He was quiet, polite, friendly, and interested in other people. He was also intelligent, and while he primarily read fiction, was quite well versed in other subjects. I really feel bad for Barb, she lost a great husband. Word of his passing reverberated throughout the bar and restaurant. One of our bartenders was on the verge of tears when he found out. Most of us were just in shock.

As for me, he was about my age, which is another reminder of my mortality, and another reason to be thankful about my life and the blessings I have.

I also found out today that if I need surgery on my right knee that since I am within six months of my approved voluntary retirement date that I may have to cancel my planned retirement and go with a retirement date based on my statuary retirement when I am 60. That would mean a retirement date of April 1st of 2020. It won’t make people happy but according to the head of the retirement branch since I was approved for voluntary retirement I could cancel that request in order to serve out the rest of my statuary retirement time. Since I have a chaplain coming in to replace me in October it shouldn’t even a problem. The details will probably be a pain in the ass, but if I can get my knee fixed while still on active duty it will be worth it. I don’t want to be pushed into the VA system when my injury might preclude employment. I don’t mind the VA system if I am able to work, but I don’t want to be unemployable immediately after I retire because I need surgery and a recovery period, so maybe I need to cancel my current retirement plans and settle for April 1st, 2020. Not that I wasn’t looking forward to getting the heck out of Dodge when I could. There are a lot of things I see coming in the Military, the Navy, and the Chaplain Corps that I have great concerns about, and if I had the choice I would retire tomorrow. However, when I submitted my retirement papers last July I never expected the injuries I incurred the following month, the delays in treatment, and the non-response of my right knee to all treatments so far.

Honestly, by now I expected to be able to walk and jog again with a minimum of discomfort. Instead, both knees try to go out on me and hurt like the devil. My surgeon tells me that my left knee is as good as it will get and will likely require a replacement in a few years. I am okay with that, so long as my right knee gets fixed or replaced before I retire. It hurts a lot worse than the left knee, which was the case before I got hurt. This requires actions that I would not have considered until now.

So anyway, until tomorrow,

Peace,

Padre Steve+

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