Category Archives: remembering friends

October 9, 2010 · 21:28

The Church Maintained in Love: Maintaining Integrity and Preserving Relationships When Asked to Leave a Church

“There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because his conscience tells him it is right….” Martin Luther

The past three years have been filled with change and transition for me as anyone who is a regular reader of this site understands.  This week another transition took place as I was asked to leave the Charismatic Episcopal Church over my perceived “liberal” writings and spiritual journey.  This has been a long time in coming and while I was surprised at the timing I was not surprised that it eventually came to this.  While my Bishop states that he did not ask me to leave the tenor of his call, which was pastoral and friendly yet used terms such as “you do not appear to be happy in the CEC,” “I would think that you might be happier in another church” and “liberal beliefs” indicated to me that I was being asked to leave and that was how I interpreted it.  He did not at all threaten my status in the military as I made my transition but left me with the impression that the sooner I found a new home the better.

Before I go into the process of how this happened I have to say that I depart the CEC without rancor or personal animosity and that unlike many who have departed the CEC will not engage in criticism or attacks on that Church or its leadership.  While I have theological, philosophical and pastoral disagreements with where I see the CEC going it is not for me to sit as the judge upon the CEC.  I have too many friends in the church and dare not risk relationships over issues that are mine to deal with.  At the same time I will in this post note those differences.  But again I say that all churches have the right and responsibility to do what they think is correct regarding their beliefs and how to deal with their clergy and laity that have differing views.  It is my view that unless a person is willing to stay within their church and abide by its discipline that they should leave peacefully.  I also believe that if a person feels that they are bound by the faith and by Scripture to remain in a church as a voice of loyal opposition that they should but have the grace not to make their opposition a personal crusade to get their way or to force change in their church before it is time.  I believe that a person who practices principled opposition can never use his opposition as an excuse to seek further division in the church. Likewise a person cannot allow his or herself to become so attached to his cause that he sees his opponents as enemies and allows hate to dominate his actions.

I believe that the Church is a community centered on Jesus and bound together by our baptism, One Lord, One Faith, One Baptism, One God and Father of All.  I believe in this community that there are many expressions of that faith.  We maintain the faith that comes passed to us in the Gospel “that God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation.” (2 Cor. 5:19 NLT)

Within this context lies my journey. As a priest in the CEC I was bound by my vows to be obedient to the discipline of the church.  When I entered the CEC in 1996 I felt very comfortable with those vows. Over the course of the years I began to have misgivings about those vows as the church went through a number of very bitter splits over what amounted to be the issue of power and authority.  Money was at the root of much of this but also the personal misconduct of a number of Bishops as well as clergy aggravated the situation. In the United States during the period of 2004-2007 a total of 8 bishops left the church to form their own denominations or join other groups, many taking the majority of their clergy and parishes with them. Two of these bishops would return to the CEC in later years. One Archbishop resigned and became a Roman Catholic layman. One Archbishop was removed from his episcopate and left the church to form his own church and eventually the world-wide Patriarch was forced to step down after being complicit in the cover-up of an affair of his archdeacon and the wife of a layman in the church whose father was a priest in the military. All of those Bishops did more to damage the faith and witness of the CEC than any article that I could ever write so I am not ashamed as I have behaved with honor and maintained my vows.

During my time in the CEC I had a number of negative experiences with Bishops and clergy that are no longer in the CEC. The Archbishop that laicized and became Roman Catholic had forbidden me from writing after publishing two articles in a conservative Catholic journal.  The accusation was that I was “too Catholic and misrepresenting the church.” Of course my writings were following the lead of this bishop and a number of others that were trying on their own accord to push the CEC into communion with Rome. He did not inform the Archbishop for the Military of this.  I later had conflict with this bishop when I corrected a priest in his diocese who was not following what the bishop said to do. For my trouble I was forbidden to have relationships with civilian clergy in that diocese. When this bishop laicized this diocese imploded, only a few missions with very few members remain in the CEC. The others found homes in communions that the other departing bishops formed after failing to remove the Patriarch in 2006.  I had many friends leave the CEC at that time.  Thus from 2004 I had no local support of fellowship with anyone in the CEC. The bishop that inherited the scattered remnants of this diocese never contacted me in that time, apart from my fellow chaplains I felt completely cut off from the church.  Thus when all the major scandals and schisms occurred I only had the support and fellowship of a number of the priests of our military archdiocese. Despite this I felt bound to my vows as none of the Bishops that remained had wronged me in any way and I valued my relationship with my military bishop and fellow chaplains.

The CEC continued its implosion while I was in Iraq with the resignation of the Patriarch. I wondered if the CEC would survive in any form and began to explore options contacting a number of communions while in Iraq. When I returned home suffering from PTSD flashbacks, insomnia and anxiety as well as the lingering effects of wear and tear injuries to my shoulders and knees and a badly sprained ankle which refused to heal I was in pretty ragged shape. I told Judy that I felt that I needed to leave the CEC and recognizing the danger of a hasty move she persuaded me to stay and at least wait a year to make any decisions.

In fact in light of the journey that I have been on, especially since returning from Iraq in February 2008 I had began the process of seeking to find a home. This was done in large part because when I am done with my military service we plan on retiring in the Hampton Roads area.  One thing that I discovered after Iraq was that I needed local relationships and a church home.  This was something that even if I had remained in sync with the CEC that they could not have provided and I did find a local church home at St. James Episcopal Church in Portsmouth.

During that year I experienced a major crisis of faith that left me for nearly two years as a practical agnostic wondering where God was. Christmas of 2008 was so bleak that I left the Christmas Eve Mass at Judy’s parish before it started walking into the cold of the night asking God if he even existed.  Faith was a struggle for the next year, but I did find a local church home at St. James Episcopal Church in Portsmouth whose priest, Father John Agbaje became my pastor and friend. Though I was still struggling I found comfort in the liturgy and tradition of this historic church. It was a place of solace, something that I had not had in the CEC for many years.

By the summer I realized that if we were to remain in the Hampton Roads area that I would have to leave the CEC if nothing else for the local relationships that we were building at St. James. While this was occurring my faith journey continued. I saw many things going on in much of the church world, to sometimes include the CEC that concerned me as a Christian. These were pastoral, societal and political issues and not creedal issues even though for many conservative Christians including most of the CEC they are “hot button” issues.  While I consider myself a moderate many people on the far right consider that to be “liberal.” Due to the poisonous political and social climate that we live in here in the United States most people are no longer open to debate or dialogue on those issues. Since I have written about this in my recent article “Faith Journey’s: Why I am Still a Christian” ( https://padresteve.wordpress.com/2010/09/22/faith-journey%E2%80%99s-why-i-am-still-a-christian/) I will not go into them here.

In fact it was the Monday following that article that I received a call from my military archbishop telling me that I would have to find a new denominational home due to my “liberal” beliefs.  He is a friend and I sure that the call pained him to make, we go back almost 15 years.  I do not know what led to the call but presume it was pressure from other bishops to do something about me although he stated that this was not the case. I hold no ill will toward Bishop Doug or anyone else in the CEC leadership for asking me to leave. In a way it was a relief as I realized that my writings, even as circumspect as I tried to make them could cause problems for me in the CEC.

At no time did I attack the leadership of the CEC or its stand on any of these issues but evidently some considered my statements as a challenge to the church and its authority.  I am of the belief that to remain viable that there should be differing opinions on matters that are pastoral and societal and not out of keeping with the Christian tradition.  For me it does not matter if a church is conservative or liberal, if it silences dissent by people who are committed to that church for dissent on non-creedal issues then it does itself a disservice in the long run. But again I have to say that the CEC like any Church has the right and responsibility to maintain its church discipline and uphold what it believes to be true and that asking me to leave was within the bounds of its canons

Another endorsing agent helped me find the the Apostolic Catholic Orthodox Church (http://www.apostoliccatholic.org/default1.htm) an Old Catholic Communion whose ethos is very similar to mine.  I have had meaningful talks with the Presiding Bishop, Diana Dale and a number of priests who have served or are serving as military chaplains.  I really look forward to serving in the ACOC for many years to come.

My original desire was to leave the CEC quietly but my writings have placed me at odds with the CEC as a whole and as a consequence I have been asked to leave.  I can do so in good conscience knowing that for 14 years I served the church well and presented a positive view of the church even when the church was going through its most difficult times.  I can maintain my integrity and be more open in my beliefs by leaving than remaining.

Over the past three years Bishop Doug has been most supportive and even had not chided me on other articles that voiced similar sentiments as the Faith Journey’s article and I shall maintain a friendship even if we disagree on some issues. Relationships matter and I refuse to make enemies on my way out of the CEC. I will miss my friends at Church of the Messiah in Jacksonville where we worshipped in 2002-2003 and St. Michael’s in San Clemente who hosted the best of our military diocese convocations, as well as my friends and brothers in the Archdiocese for the Armed Forces. I will remain in contact with many through Facebook and other means.  Friends are friends and I and I will not leave with the bitterness and animosity of so many that left the CEC earlier in the decade, people who have not been able to move past their hurt and embrace their new church homes.

I hope this article in some ways explains my journey. Bishop Doug has already let my fellow military priests know that I am leaving the CEC so at least some people know what has happened. I will contact those that I am closest to personally and provide this article to others.  This is a painful time of transition but it is the right decision for both the CEC and me.

My official change over to the ACOC will take place sometime next week.  I thank all of my friends in the CEC for your support and prayers over the years.  I will keep the CEC and you my friends in my prayers as I continue my journey.

Peace and blessings,

Padre Steve+

Non nobis, non nobis, Domine
Sed nomini tuo da gloriam

Postscript: I had a conversation with Bishop Doug this morning. In that conversation he stated that he did not ask me to leave the CEC in our conversation two weeks ago, just that I appeared to be “unhappy” in the CEC and might want to look elsewhere because of “liberal views” suggesting the Episcopal Church as a possibility.  This is true, he did not directly ask me to leave, but I interpreted the call in that manner he used the term “liberal views.” It was that term that led me to believe that perhaps he had been talked to about me as the term is loaded in the current climate of American religious and political debate. I did not mention other instances regarding past encounters with some in the current CEC leadership that also influenced my interpretation of Bishop Doug’s words. That serves no purpose and I will not mention names or even incidents because I do not want those encounters to be used against the CEC or anyone in it.

I implore anyone that reads this post NOT to disparage Bishop Doug in any way. He is a gentleman and a Christian and I know that he bears me no malice whatsoever. He has been attacked personally on the blogs of many that left the CEC and I cannot countenance that or lend my voice to those criticisms. SLD+

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September 27, 2010 · 00:27

Passages: Thoughts on My Last Week at Naval Medical Center Portsmouth

“Andre Dawson has a bruised knee and is listed as day-to-day. Aren’t we all?” Vin Scully

“It’s a mere moment in a man’s life between an All-Star Game and an Old-timers’ Game.” Vin Scully

“The oldest pitcher acquires confidence in his ball club – he doesn’t try to do it all himself.” Burleigh Grimes

Every day is a new opportunity. You can build on yesterday’s success or put its failures behind and start over again. That’s the way life is, with a new game every day, and that’s the way baseball is.”  -Bob Feller

As any of my regular readers know I relate most of life to baseball. For me it resonates more than more than almost any other part of my life.  I think by now with over 29 years in the military that I count as a seasoned veteran who has been dinged up some and had to try to recover from injuries to his body but also to his self confidence and ability to stay in the game. My assignment at Naval Medical Center Portsmouth has been one of those assignments that was a lot like a rehab assignment to get me back in form for an assignment on a new team where I will be the number one starter in the rotation instead of a rehabbing pitcher making spot starts and relief appearances.

Today I finish up most of my administrative out processing from NMCP as I prepare to transfer to Naval Hospital Camp LeJeune. I have been at the command two years and it has been an eventful tour.  During the assignment I was forced to deal with the effects of my tour in Iraq, notably my PTSD and its related physical, psychological and spiritual impacts which included a loss of faith and absence of God that left me for a year and a half a practical agnostic. I also had to deal with the end stages of my father’s struggle with Alzheimer’s disease which culminated in his death in June of this year.  While this was going on I also dealt with a nasty Kidney stone that sidelined me from almost all human activity for over a month, a tooth that had abscessed and had to be replaced by an implant after a root canal failed and various nagging injuries to my shoulders, elbows, a knee and ankle from Iraq.  Most recently I have had to struggle with my hearing, I have something called Auditory Processing Disorder as well as some really annoying Tinnitus, I can hear lots of noise but somehow my brain is not processing it correctly. With all of this in the background and sometimes the foreground I worked and often struggled through the assignment which despite my skills as a critical care chaplain was more difficult than I could imagine.

I compare my time at Portsmouth to a baseball pitcher that goes to a new team but has injuries that he thought were manageable but which were severe enough to take him out of the game and into a rehab mode.  Of course not all teams give older pitchers that chance and that is true more often than not in the military when injuries to an officer are severe enough, especially emotional ones to keep him from functioning at top form.  I was fortunate as Chaplain Tate gave me the chance to heal and looked at my potential rather than my weaknesses when writing up my evaluation reports.  I can say that that is not the norm in much of the military where I probably would have been given reports that would have kept me from being promoted and resulted in me being placed in second tier jobs until I was able to retire.

I was fortunate however because during the assignment I was given time to recuperate and begin to heal.  That has not been easy by far but I am doing well enough now to handle things that would have sent me down the toilet of tears a few months ago. I give a lot of credit to Chaplain Jesse Tate and my therapist Dr. Elmer Maggard, better known as “Elmer the Shrink.”  I couple of retired Navy Chaplains on our staff also were men that helped me through the very rough times; Monsignor Fred Elkin and Reverend Jerry Shields gave me much spiritual support and provided me the opportunity to vent as I needed to during really difficult times.   As I got better and able to handle more responsibility Chaplain Tate started putting more responsibility on me, especially after I was selected for promotion to Commander.  It was like I was done with the rehab work and being put back into the game.  He held me accountable and was like a pitching coach or manager working with me, pushing my limits and making corrections even while encouraging me.  He did this with the purpose of getting me ready for my next assignment where I will be in charge of a staff of 6 personnel.  The past couple of months were high pressure due to all the activities the department was engaged in. These including a retirement, two major conferences and the transition of our Pastoral Care Resident Chaplains as one group finished their residency and a new group went through orientation.  In that time I had to deal with a lot more pressure than I had been exposed to most of my tour. After the last conference ended I realized that I could now function at a high level again and not just in my clinical areas.  I am now sure that I can do well in my new assignment and I am looking forward to the opportunity.

As I leave NMCP I will be leaving a lot of friends in my department as well as the rest of the hospital, especially the staff of our adult, pediatric and neonatal ICUs.  Some of these staff members will continue to serve at NMCP, others are now either deployed in harm’s way, have transferred to other commands or have left the service or retired.  I have to thank them as well because each in their own way has been a part of my recovery.

Most people do not get this kind of opportunity to serve and to heal at my age, rank or time in service. Most are put out to pasture until they can retire.  To quote baseball immortal Lou Gehrig “today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth.” As I re-read his farewell speech a lot of it resonated with me even though I’m not to my knowledge dying and he was.  I’m blessed and somewhat lucky and I am grateful for all that I have experienced at NMCP.  I will leave many friends and if I am lucky enough hope to continue my career as a chaplain in Navy Medicine and return to Portsmouth, perhaps to finish my Navy career.  When I depart on Thursday it will be with a grateful heart and I will miss those that I worked with at NMCP. I am fortunate in one respect that my next assignment is a Naval Hospital and that I will know a good number of the staff at it from my time at NMCP or other duty stations.

Peace,

Padre Steve+

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June 28, 2010 · 03:02

In Memory of My Dad: Aviation Storekeeper Chief Carl Dundas, Husband, Father, Grandfather and Navy Chief 27 July 1935- 23 June 2010

Aviation Storekeeper Chief Carlton (Carl) Dundas

My dad passed away last week and today we held his memorial service with full military honors in De Young Shoreline Chapel in Stockton California.  The past couple of days leading up to this have been hectic as we thought of things that we needed to do for the service and it was a team effort to get everything done. My brother had handled the initial tasks immediately following dad’s death early Wednesday morning and when I arrived I helped coordinate the honors with the funeral director, the Navy Chaplain performing the service and the Military honors team leader as well as digging through dad’s briefcase to try to find life insurance policies as well as try to deal with the Social Security Administration on the phone, which if you read my last post you’ll know exactly what I went through dealing with the cheerful automated attendant from the pits of Hell.

Dad on the Flight Deck of USS Hancock, CVA-19 deployed to Vietnam with A4-J Skyhawk

With that being said we went to work yesterday, my brother and his wife took care of everything for the reception while one of my sister in laws’ aunts burned a CD with some of dad’s favorite music by Willie Nelson, Anne Murray and John Denver along with renditions, I think my the Naval Academy Chorus of Anchors Aweigh and the Navy Hymn, Eternal Father Strong to Save.  The fact that she did this on short notice took a great weight off of my shoulders as I dug through well over a thousand and probably close to 2000 photos to put together two collages representing the fullness of dad’s life as best as I could do.  After laying them out last night I knew that there were some that needed to be reproduced and since I am not at home where the Abbess has all of her high speed gear to do such work off to the local Target I went to have the kind people there use their Kodak machines to digitalize and print them of course after I picked up my large cup of 7-11 French Vanilla Coffee with French Vanilla creamer and Splenda, I do think that they should be paying me for advertising right now but until that time I have no problem mentioning them because I do like their coffee.  The young Mexican girl helping me was a gem, she knew exactly what to do and in no time had all of the pictures digitalized, printed and burned on CDs even as I realized that I needed a decent pair of white socks to wear with my summer white uniform to which I walked over to the Kohl’s down the way, picked up my socks and went back to pick up the CDs which were ready when I returned. The girl wished me well as I thanked her again and as I left as is my custom I told her to be safe and added “after all this is Stockton and I lived here when they invented the drive-by” to which she thanked me, laughed and said that she would try to be safe.

Dad on Liberty most likely in the Philippines in the 1971-1973 time frame

After that is was the usual chaos that families experience trying to get ready and out the door, what to wear for my mom and to finish up the collages, get a shower and get into my Summer Whites, or as I refer to them around my Marine friends as the FWUs or Faggoty White Uniform as Colonel Nathan R Jessup (Jack Nicholson) referred to them in the movie A Few Good Men but I digress.

Mom Dad and Me probably in San Diego 1964

My mom and I got the funeral home chapel about 1215 and Captain Gerry Seely, a Navy Chaplain, the members of the Naval Military Honors team, a Captain with Fleet Marine Force experience, two Commanders, a Naval Flight Officer and a Surface Warfare Officer, a BUC or Chief Builder, a Seabee Chief as well as a Electronics Mate First Class who served as the bugler. Chaplain Seely was in his Summer Whites matching me and the Honors team in their Full Dress Whites. Additionally a ceremonial honors team from Travis Air Force Base composed of a young Sergeant and three young Airmen in their Air Force Dress Blues looking very sharp were there for the rendering of honors, the ceremonial rifle volleys that would precede the playing of Taps.

Flag Folding Ceremony

As friends and family gathered I worked with the Honors team, Chaplain Seely and the funeral director to ensure that everyone was read in on the sequence of events before the service. My mom was taken by the number of military personnel present to honor my dad this last time. The service began promptly as scheduled with Chaplain Seely offering the condolences of the Chief of Navy Chaplains Admiral Bob Burt as well as the Deputy Chief of Chaplains and Chaplain of the Marine Corps Rear Admiral Mark Tidd. Chaplain Seely did a marvelous job in weaving the intersections of my dad’s life together with the understanding of the Navy being a family, discussing my dad’s career while talking about Navy life, particularly the effect on families of the frequent moves and separations cause by deployments as well as the specialness and importance of dad being a Chief. You see in the Navy the Chief Petty Officer occupies a unique position, it has been said and is largely true that Chief’s run the Navy, good Chiefs teach, mentor and discipline young sailors in the ways of the Navy, their rating and life.  Gerry also shared about our hope in Christ the hope of the resurrection and the faith that we have that Jesus has gone before us to prepare a place for us as well as send the Holy Spirit to comfort us. He did the service so well you would have thought that he knew dad and obviously as he shared with us felt the connections with dad through service on similar aircraft carriers, duty stations and hobbies.

Chaplain Gerry Seely (right) along with the OIC of the Honors Detail

He invited Jeff and I to say some words about dad and I led off talking about what dad meant to me, how good of a father he was, how he inspired me in my military career and brought me to love the game of baseball. Jeff talked about how dad influenced him in values and teaching him right from wrong, I do think that despite being the clergyman that I probably was more of a pain in the ass to my dad as despite for all of my innocent charm and introversion I am a bit of a rebel, believing that while there are definitely 10 Commandments most everything else is more of a suggestion and that there are a lot of gray areas.  Jeff is a teacher and definitely a no-nonsense kind of guy much like my dad, though I think Jeff is a bit more serious than dad who could be a jokester and was much of the time which is where I think that I get some of my humor from. I think that Jeff is like dad in a lot of ways and me in some, but both of us benefited from his love, care, discipline and values.  It is funny how much Jeff and I am alike despite our age differences and much of that has to be from the influence of dad. Jeff talked about dad’s love of golf as well as his ability to sit down and enjoy a beer and go to the casinos in the area.  That reminded me of something that both of us had not mentioned which was my dad’s love of horse racing and going to the track to bet on “the ponies.”  Jeff has taken that up having a part interest or ownership in a thoroughbred horse which races at Santa Anita.

So many memories came back during the service as well as while putting the collages together, memories of good times and the realization that dad was always there for us. After Jeff concluded his remarks Chaplain Seely talked about what we in the military call “PCS orders” and what in dad’s passing from this life was his final PCS move to heaven where he will wait for us. It was touching the way that he made that connection in terms of the military service.  When his remarks were concluded Eternal Father Strong to Save was played followed by the military honors which were led off by the Captain leading the detail explaining what would happen. Following this the two Commanders took the flag from the stand on which they were displayed and unfolded them laying them out flat. The room was called to stand and active and former military asked to render the appropriate salutes as the rifle volleys were fired and Taps was played. Following taps we were asked to be seated while the two Commanders then very sharply refolded the flag with great preciseness and passed it off to the Chief who came up and after rendering honors to the flag moved deliberately to my mom, took a knee and presented the flag on behalf of a grateful Navy, Nation and his and dad’s fellow Chief Petty Officers.

Dad’s last Navy assignment USS Hancock CVA 19 1971-1974 where he did two 11 month deployments

There were a good number of people there, some that I knew and others that I had heard about from my mom, dad or Jeff. My friend from high school and Navy Junior ROTC Jeff Vanover was there with his family as were numerous others. The sad thing is that when you get to be my parent’s age many of their closest friends have either passed away or are no longer capable of traveling however my mom’s phone has been ringing off the hook while her e-mail in box and snail mail box are filled with expressions of sympathy and friendship.

To all of those that attended the services today as well as those that have helped in various ways during my dad’s long and difficult battle with the ravages of Alzheimer’s disease, especially all of my mom and dad’s friends and Jeff’s wife Melissa’s family those present and those separated by distance or physical affliction I offer you my thanks. To the members of the Navy Military Honors team for Northern California and honors team from Travis Air Force Base you were all great. I have seen many teams and yours was outstanding. To Chaplain Gerry Seely your kind words of comfort and the celebration of my dad’s life went beyond measure.  To the Chief that presented my mother Old Glory thank you, it meant so much to her and I know to my dad that a Chief presented this token of the Nation’s gratitude.  To my boss Chaplain Jesse Tate who got the ball rolling to make this happen, Admiral Burt and Admiral Tidd for your support, to my fellow Chaplains, fellow shipmates and all of my friends around the world that have offered words of encouragement and prayer I cannot thank you enough.  The same is true for my Bishop and fellow priests as well as the Rector and parishioners of St James Episcopal Church in Portsmouth Virginia where I worship.

Dad was a good husband, father and grandfather. He was a devoted friend to many, loyal shipmate to others and a man who worked hard to set his family up for success in life.  I miss him, I have for years because of Alzheimer’s disease, but now while I am thankful that he is no longer suffering nor trapped in the shell that once was him, I miss him. Maybe someday like Kevin Costner’s character in Field of Dreams, Ray Kinsella, I too will be able to once again have a catch with my dad on the lush green diamond in heaven.

Since this is starting to sound like one of those actors that can’t stop talking after getting an Oscar, so I will just say thank you and God bless. My mom appreciates everything as does my brother. Keep us in your prayers as we attempt to help mom navigate the sea of paperwork generated by various bureaucracies both governmental and the private sector that she will need to work with over the coming days and weeks. I return to Virginia on Wednesday.

Peace and blessings,

Padre Steve+

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