Tag Archives: PTSD and family

Remembering 37 Years of Military Marriage: Judy, My Own Lili Marlene


Friends of Padre Steve’s World,

One of the most beloved songs of love between a woman and a soldier is the song Lili Marlene. Hans Leip, a school teacher conscripted into the Imperial Army wrote it in 1915 as a three verse poem. It was published in 1937 with two additional verses prior to the Second World War in Germany. It was set to music by Norbert Schultze in 1938 and recorded in German by Lale Anderson in 1939, and in English in 1942.

https://youtu.be/Q56QzGcAKZc

Lili Marlene German- English Translation

 

Lili Marlene (Semi-literal Translation)

Vor der Kaserne, vor dem grossen Tor
In front of the barracks, at the large entrance gate

Stand eine Laterne, und steht sie noch davor.
Stood a lamplight, and if it’s still standing there,

So woll’n wir uns da wieder seh’n
We want to see each other there again

Bei der Laterne wollen wir steh’n
We want to stand at the lamplight

Wie einst Lili Marleen, Wie einst Lili Marleen.
As before, Lili Marlene, as before, Lili Marlene.

Unsere beide Schatten sah’n wie einer aus
Our two shadows appeared as one

Dass wir so lieb uns hatten, das sah man gleich daraus.
That we were so  much in love, one saw immediately.

Und alle Leute solln es seh’n
And everyone should see it

Wenn wir bei der Laterne steh’n,
When we are standing by the lamplight

Wie einst Lili Marleen, wie einst Lili Marleen
As before, Lili Marlene, as before,  Lili Marlene.

Schon rief der Posten: Sie blasen  Zapfenstreich
The sentry had already called out: They are sounding curfew.

Das kann drei Tage kosten.  Kam’rad, ich komm sogleich.
“It can cost three days.”  “I’m coming momentarily, comrade.”

Da sagten wir auf Wiedersehen,
Then we said goodbye.

Wie gerne wollt ich mit mir dir geh’n,
How much I wanted to go with you,

Mit dir Lili Marleen, mit dir Lili Marleen.
With you, Lili Marlene, with you, Lili Marlene.

Deine Schritte kennt sie, deinen zieren Gang
It [the lamplight] knows your footsteps, your graceful walk

Alle Abend brennt sie, doch mich vergass sie lang.
Every evening it is burning, but it forgot about me long ago.

Und sollte mir ein Leids gescheh’n,
If harm should come to me,

Wer wird bei der Laterne stehen,
Who will stand at the lamplight,

Mit dir Lili Marleen, mir dir Lili Marleen?
With you, Lili Marlene, with you, Lili Marlene?

Aus dem stillen Raume, aus der Erde Grund
From the quiet place, out of the earthly ground

Hebt mich wie im Traume dein verliebter Mund.
I am lifted as in a dream to your loving lips.

Wenn sich die spaeten Nebel drehn,
When the evening mist swirls in

Werd’ ich bei der Laterne steh’n
I will be standing at the lamplight

Wie einst Lili Marleen, wie einst Lili Marleen.
As before, Lili Marlene, as before, Lili Marlene.

The German and later the English version was broadcast by Radio Belgrade, under German control began to broadcast it. It became a sentimental hit among British, Australian, and New Zealanders of the British 8th Army in North Africa and it became the unofficial song of the 8th Army and 6th Armored Division. As American military personnel began arriving in Europe and began fighting in North Africa, Sicily, and Italy. Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels was infuriated and order that Radio Belgrade cease playing it, but under pressure from Field Marschall Erwin Rommel, Goebbels backed down. Afterwards, until Belgrade was captured by the Russians Radio Belgrade would play it nightly at their 9:55 sign off. Soldiers from both sides turned in to the song. In 1944 the expatriate German film star and singer Marlene Dietrich, for the OSS, and later in both the English and the original German version.

There is nothing political about the song, it reflects the heartache of separation and the anxiety experienced by those separated by military duties, deployments, and war. There is a certain tenderness and sadness that it reflects that that only those whose spouses or loved ones who go into harms way, that includes military personnel, law enforcement officers, Fire Fighters and EMS workers, and others who go into harms way not knowing what that day might bring. It has become popular in countries around the world, even today, were soldiers go to war and leave their loved ones behind.

 










But among these, military personnel are unique because when we go away, we go away not knowing when or if they would return. Most of us who have gone to war over the last two decades have wondered about this because no matter where we fought there was no front line, the enemy could be anywhere even on supposedly safe bases. Honestly I seldom told Judy exactly what I was doing in combat operations I was always the one unarmed dude accompanying small groups of 8-12 advisors to Iraqi forces in Al Anbar Province equipped with small arms and HUMMV mounted machine guns. Then there were the 75 missions I made as an adviser with a boarding team in the Persian Gulf during the Iraqi Oil Embargo, and the time we almost got into a shooting match with Iranian Revolutionary Guard Naval Gunboats who were harassing our flagship, an Australian special operations support ship with little in the way of defensive armament. It was just a matter of minutes until we launched at them when they broke off their attack and went back into Iranian territorial waters, then there was the week we were in between the Indian and Pakistani fleets as their nations sat on the brink of nuclear war.

For 37 years Judy has been my Lili Marlene, and she still is. Back in the early part of our marriage the Cold War was about to turn hot and we never knew when an alert to go to the Fulda Gap to sacrifice ourselves to support the 11th Armored Cavalry. Our casualties were predicted to be 75-90% in order to buy time for troops from the United States arrive. The wives had a way to figure out if it was a real thing or not, especially if the alert occurred at an odd hour, they looked to see if the cars from Air Force personnel were still parked. But I digress, in those days the tensions between the US and the Soviet Union were very high, and there was one day where due to computer glitch the Soviets nearly launched a nuclear strike thinking that our missiles were already on the way.  Add to that the Red Brigade and Bader-Meinhof terrorist gangs that went around bombing and killing American military personnel, NATO and West German Officials.

 

Of course there were the times on stateside duty in non-deploying active duty units, or National Guard and Reserve units with combat missions should war break out where there were always things that kept us apart, field exercises, duty, Death notifications, meetings and planning sessions, conferences, required schools and so on. I figure over the course of my career where we were married, of over 37 years we have been separated for over 14 years due to a combination of everything above, I am probably underestimating by some because I’m not counting the number of days that I spent on call in hospitals, or was at home studying for another master’s degree, other schools, or taking students to Gettysburg,  I have been away for 17 wedding anniversaries and more holidays and birthdays than I can count.

But Judy is an amazing woman, despite the hardships, frequent moves, my time in seminary and my hospital residency where between those things and duties in the National Guard, my mobilizations and deployments she soldiered on. We have had our share of difficulties, especially since we both suffer from different types of PTSD on top of my TBI and Moral Injury. Thankfully we’ve had our long line of dogs to help us through tough times, and were there for each other to the best of our ability, which sometimes wasn’t very good.

But since the day I laid eyes on her she has been the only woman I have ever loved. She is a friend who will tell me the truth and when needed try to keep me coloring within the lines. That my friends can be difficult as my personality type is a Myers-Briggs INTJ, think Dr. Greg House, (House M.D.) Marcellus Wallace, (Pulp Fiction) Michael and Vito Corleone, (The Godfather series) Professor Moriarty, (Sherlock Holmes) Ellen Ripley, (Alien), Gandalf, (Lord of the Rings), Mr. Burns, (The Simpson’s), Sherlock Holmes, Hannibal Lector and Clarice Starling (Silence of the Lambs), Bruce Wayne/Batman, Emperor Palpatine and Count Doku (Star Wars trilogy) and Walter White (Breaking Bad). That being said she has to be a saint to love me the way she does and probably feels the same about me.

But Judy is my Lili Marlene and for too many years she has waited for me, and now my military career is coming to an end. My retirement ceremony will be as much as her as about me. She was there when when I marched to the sound of the guns and volunteered for every dangerous mission I could. When I came home from Iraq and melted down, and occasionally still do from my PTSD, TBI, and Moral Injury, my anxiety and depression, nightmare and night terror disorder, which gets pretty violent at times, she stayed with me, and I can now understand a least some of what she suffered and struggled with for years.

She is the best, incredibly creative and talented, able to see what can be made and how to make it better, and so amazingly compassionate and caring for people, but willing to be honest with people when they are being unreasonable. I am incredibly thankful and blessed that she stood by me all these years.

Peace,

Padre Steve+

 

 

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Filed under life, marriage and relationships, Military, Tour in Iraq

The Opportunity to Act Upon a Dream

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“All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake up in the day to find it was vanity, but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.” T E Lawrence

This week I will be part of a panel discussion entitled “Paths for Achieving Readiness Tomorrow” at the Military Officer’s Association of America “Warrior Family Symposium” in Washington DC. The opportunity came about through the Department of Defense’s Real Warriors campaign which I have been working with since 2011 when they did a video feature on my struggle with PTSD. The panel will be moderated by WUSA Channel 9’s news anchor Derek McGinty and will include a number of mental health care providers or program directors; I will be the only chaplain speaking at the symposium. The panel will discuss available and developing programs designed to provide insight, skills and assistance for veterans, service members, their children and families – to aid them through handling reintegration, combat/operational stress, and mental health concerns; and provide them and the community, the understanding of the art of being present.

I am a bit nervous about presenting despite having been very open and transparent about my struggles with PTSD since beginning this website back in 2009. That is not so much because I don’t know my material, or what to say, but rather because I am an introvert and find writing to be less stressful than talking about my experiences in front of a big group of people. Part of this is also related by my need for safety as I am often very anxious in big groups of people that I don’t know, and because I have so much emotional investment in the subject of getting those who deal with the trauma of war and their families the help that they need.

After some of my experiences in attempting to get help myself in the military mental health care system, some of which have been more damaging than helpful, especially recently I know how scary attempting to get help can be. Likewise, I fully understand the profound stigma that many military members, especially those of more senior ranks who have invested their lives in military service, feel when they admit to dealing with these issues.

While the military has attempted to get rid of the stigma of seeking mental health treatment, even for PTSD the fact of the matter is that the stigma still exists. A very senior enlisted leader in an elite community told me following the suicide of a true naval hero who suffered from untreated PTSD and probably TBI as well who we both served with: “it’s hard when they say if you have issues and they are known that you can still have a successful career, but you will never be promoted or selected to a critical position, again.” The ironic thing was that the leader that committed suicide asked me when he took command of the unit I was in “where does a chaplain go to get help?” He obviously knew the reality of the stigma, even for chaplains. Sadly, I have to confess that as a Chaplain, Priest and clergyman there is a huge stigma to being a broken or flawed clergyperson, especially in the institutions of the church and chaplaincy. We clergy tend to take better care of our other parishioners than we do of each other and most clergy, be they in parish work, denominational structures or institutional ministry report a sense of isolation and lack of care from men and women who should be their colleagues.

I did not expect this invitation and I do hope and pray that what I say will be of help to the attendees and to those that struggle with PTSD, TBI, Moral Injury and other combat trauma or stress related issues. I dream that when I retire from the Navy, whenever that happens to be that I will be able to be an advocate and spokesman for those who suffer from these injuries. Maybe this opportunity will provide me a network of sorts to prepare for that dream.

As T.E. Lawrence said that dreamers that dream with their eyes open are dangerous, because they may act with open eyes to make those dreams possible, and I am one who does that. I have ideas and experiences that I think can be of help to others walking this path and their families. Likewise, I have a passion for trying to get people the help they need and even more importantly provide a safe place where they know that they can be honest. Admiral James Stavridis said: “overall, I think that’s an obligation to share your ideas.”

My experience is a bit more diverse than your average clergyman, mental health provider or military member. I combine my theological, philosophical, ethical and pastoral care insights, with being a caregiver to those that suffer, while struggling with the effects of PTSD, sometimes more effectively than other times. All of this is tempered by the realism that comes from 33 year military career and my academic training as a historian; both of which enable me to place these things in a broader context.

So anyway I will follow up with something tomorrow night and hopefully report out on my experience at the symposium on Thursday, as I expect to be on the road late Wednesday night returning from D.C.

I do appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

Peace

Padre Steve+

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Filed under mental health, Military, PTSD

Fly the Friendly Skies of PTSD: Padre Steve Takes to the Air Yet Again

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“There are only two emotions in a plane, boredom and terror” Orson Welles

So once again my air travel begins with an adventure, thankfully I am doing better and have learned a few things about traveling with PTSD over the past few years.

Air travel, especially having to go through crowed airports still terrifies me. Today I am traveling to Houston for a chaplain training symposium, part of which will deal with PTSD treatment. While there I will be touring to VA Medical Center and I have been tasked by my Commanding Officer to see what they are doing in regard to dealing with Peer Support to PTSD injured personnel and to their families.

The family piece has been slow to develop and the military, VA and others are now just beginning to wrap their heads around the issue of how to deal with the impacts of PTSD on the family. I think that part of the reason for this is that the military has had to figure out PTSD all over again since the current wars began in 2001. Since most of our previous experience came out of Vietnam where the majority of soldiers were single draftees who left the service after doing their time we did not really have much experience dealing with what happens when a soldier makes multiple deployments, is traumatized and has to deal with family issues while remaining in the high stress world of the military.

Of course I can testify that it does have a huge impact on the family. My marriage was in bad shape after Iraq as Judy and I both tried to figure out what the “new normal” was in our marriage. Even when I started to get better the process of re-setting the relationship was incredibly difficult and required a lot of adjustment. Since we have known each other for close to 35 years and been married for almost 30 I can only imagine what a newly married couple, or a couple married just a few years with young children go through. I see a lot of these young men and women in my work and know their stories and difficulties so my interest in this is quite personal on a number of levels.

Anyway, returning to the trip. I got to my flight and of course it was overbooked. That is par for the course, at least the Norfolk airport was relatively sedate today. However, they airline needed to board a flight crew and was getting ready to force passengers off the plane. They offered a $500 voucher and meal coupons and promised to get me to my destination this evening. Since the flight that I was booked on was running late and my connection time was next to nothing at Dulles Airport in Washington DC I volunteered to take the voucher. Most of my worst experiences flying have occurred at Dulles and I never enjoy making a connection there. They booked me on a later flight that goes through Newark which puts me in about 5 hours later than I would have arrived if I was able to make my connection. The layover allows me to relax a bit between flights and not rush. I can handle that.

When I fly I am almost always in a panic mode. I no longer enjoy it. Air travel today is like being a steerage passenger on the Titanic unless you have lots of money to fly First Class. Crowded flights, bad baggage service and less than friendly airports are the norm. If I had the time to take I would drive almost anywhere rather than to fly. I have flown First Class a couple of times, but only because the airlines upgraded me. The best was a British Air flight from Madrid to London where I flew with former Secretary of State Madeline Albright. They actually give you really metal eating utensils, plates and glasses.

My last couple of flights have been filled with more drama than I would like, so in light of the fact that I was having to connect through my least favorite airport in the world I don’t mind the delay.

You ask me how I cope with air travel now. Don’t say that you didn’t I heard you. Now the fact that I have raging Tinnitus and my speech comprehension is in the lower three percentile, meaning that even most deaf people understand speech better than me has nothing to do with it. I know what you said.

So how do I cope? The answer is simple. Beer, a good microbrew or if one is not available maybe a Sam Adams, Yuengling or Stella. I could take a Xanax. My Doctor prescribes them for me, but they taste terrible and don’t fill me up. Besides, even though beer is loaded with carbs it is a fat free meal.

In addition to beer I try to make sure that schedule my flights whenever possible, if no direct flight is available to go through airports where there is good food, good beer and if I do get delayed or forced to overnight it, a place where there is something to do. I have learned in such cases to pack a pair of underwear and a clean shirt appropriate to the time of year and weather in my backpack just in case I get delayed. I went through Dulles once, had to overnight it and was forced to go to a mall that triggered every living nerve in me just to get underwear and a shirt. That my friends sucked like a Hoover.

So at the moment I am sitting at the airport bar having a half liter of Sam Adams and a bowl of Chicken Tortilla Soup while waiting for my flight. A man sitting next to me said that flight is now delayed. More from Newark or Houston as the trip develops.

Peace

Padre Steve+

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Filed under Loose thoughts and musings, PTSD, travel