Tag Archives: PTSD

August 6, 2009 · 23:59

“You can observe a lot just by watching” Yogi Berra….How PTSD has made me a lot more Observant

human condition

I love Yogi Berra quotes. Somehow so much of what he said, even most of the things that he never said really resonate with my warped mind. Somehow the illogical logic makes sense and I stop and say, damn…why didn’t I think of that?

I quote him here because it is absolutely amazing how much more observant I am in daily life having served in Iraq and come home with a nice case of PTSD, a bit of anxiety, hyper-vigilance and insomnia. I used to fret about the PTSD, anxiety and the rest of the stuff. It did bother me and I guess it still does, but the insomnia gives me time to write and the hyper-vigilance really helps on the Interstate Highways of the Norfolk, Virginia Beach and greater Hampton Roads metro area.

Now I have been noticing this in the past month more than even at the height of my crash. Back then I had all these things but was way too gooned up to even figure out what they meant. I was talking with my Vietnam Veterans of America buddies Ray and John the Beer Men the other night at Harbor Park. They man the beer stand behind home plate that sells Gordon Biersch Märzen and Bock, Yuengling Lager, Shock Top, Miller Lite and Micholob Ultra. I of course will have either the Märzen or the Yuengling depending on my mood, since the Märzen is a premium beer you get less of it for the same price. Anyway I digress….I was talking to these guys, both of who served in Vietnam about how much more aware of what is going on around me than I was before. And it seems that although I seem to be doing better most of the time that I am more geared up than I was a few months ago. I am noticing everything and when I’m driving I can sense the danger of the idiot driver careening across four lanes of traffic not signaling and talking on a cell phone while eating a hamburger even before I see him. This was the case on my way home several times this week. I could sense things going on before they happened. It used to be prior to Iraq that Judy would see or sense these things before I ever would; now the foot is in the other shoe. Ray and John tell me, as does Elmer the Shrink, that this is a normal reaction to perceived danger. Now I do understand his intellectually, I have read books and gone to seminars about PTSD and Combat Stress at the same time what is going on still makes me think. I was telling Ray and John, half-jokingly that it was almost like “using the force.” I mentioned to Judy and a friend that it almost seemed that I could drive with a blindfold and still get through safely like the Jedi train the Padwan’s to do. Of course I am not stupid and will never try this out unless perhaps I buy an x-box or wii with a driving program and do it in the comfort of my living room.

1001 In a CH-46 over Al Anbar in a rare day flight

So with the hyper-vigilance I am in the zone so to speak. My mind and body feel more closely connected than ever before. I notice changes in my body, hear better and am alert to anything. Now lately I must be even more spun up than before and I don’t rightly know what is causing it. I will have to go down and discuss this with Elmer the Shrink. The part that is different now is that my spunuppedness now includes a pretty good startle reflex. This is new, I had a bit of one probably since I was halfway through my tour, and now it is much worse. So I’ve been thinking about how my dad came back from Vietnam. Before he left he was pretty intense but he could relax. Unless he was really provoked he seldom got angry.

After he returned from his Vietnam tour and then deployed again for 11 months barely five months after his return from Vietnam he was way different. He was much more angry, drank heavily, and his startle reflex was out of this world. He would talk about being “nervous as a cat.” He never talked to a pastor or therapist about anything, never re-connected with the people that he served with and did not go to veteran groups for any real socialization. He seldom talked about his experiences and when he did he shared little. I think I can understand why now, the thoughts, feelings and sensations are intense and often unnerving. Sometimes they are downright frightful. Maybe that is why it is so hard to get to sleep.

mental floss

I have become very aware of surroundings as well as myself and that has made me better at my vocation as a chaplain and Priest. I notice body language, eye movement, choices of words as well as non verbal cues when talking with a person and I can sense things going on in ways I could not have done before. So I observe a lot more simply by watching and I hope that I have not contributed to any lack of miscommunication by my readers tonight in writing about this rather surreal subject.

Peace, Steve+

Post Script: The Tides might be getting things back together, they won their third straight and are back to 2 games behind the Wild Card Gwinnett Braves and 3 games behind Division leading Durham.

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Filed under Baseball, iraq,afghanistan, PTSD, vietnam

Tagged as gordon biersch marzen, harbor park, hyper-vigilance, i-264, insomina, iraq, norfolk drivers, norfolk tides, PTSD, startle reflex, vietnam, vietnam veterans of america, yogi berra, yuengling lager

August 1, 2009 · 13:32

Blowouts…The Days (or years) you want to forget…But Need to Learn From

not a happy camper How I feel after a blowout

It’s no fun to get blown out in any game or life. Losing sucks no matter how you try to cushion it by saying, “well we almost won” or “gee if only we had…” or “they got lucky, we should have won.” Blowouts on the other hand leave you little to console yourself with. You lose and you lose badly. In baseball this usually means that the other team has shredded your pitching staff and that your defense stinks as fielders make fielding and throwing errors, your pitcher throws wild pitches with men on 3^rd and your offense dries up like a West Texas lawn in July. This happened to the Tides Thursday afternoon as they were ripped by Indianapolis 11-3 and it wasn’t that close. Starter Andy Mitchell who entered the game at 9-2 gave up 8 runs in 4 innings work. The Tides hitters didn’t come through after a series of comebacks the previous three games. This happens in the Major Leagues as well. Back on July 22^nd the Athletics beat the Twins 16-1; the 18^th the Braves beat the Mets 11-0 and back on the 6^th the Phillies beat the Reds 22-1. Being on the receiving end of such a whacking is painful. The key is what you do with it. As teams, organizations and individuals everyone will get beaten up once in a while and it takes character and strength to get back out the next day and give it your best when the temptation is to give in to go through the motions and just hope to make it through.

Blowouts in life can come in many ways, health, finances, work situations and relationships. Sometimes they are our own doing and the results of our choices. The times I have had the most problems have often been self inflicted because I couldn’t keep my trap shut when I should have either shut up or found a safe place to vent. In my years in the military and watching baseball I have seen a lot of this. Likewise there are people who live on the edge and consistently do things that are known to be illegal or unethical within their organization or sport and eventually get caught. Unfortunately these are not usually the untalented and unmotivated people whose contribution to their team or work environment is to suck up band width and perfectly good oxygen that others could be using to better effect. The sad thing is that those who push the envelope are often the most talented who have natural ability as well as well as an almost pathological need to be the best. One only has to take a look at Pete Rose who though his “sins” were not on the playing field, was things that no Manager should ever do. His attitude about getting caught was an arrogant display of idiocy which disrespected the game that he contributed so much to and soiled his name and reputation. I hope that he will find redemption in baseball, but the onus is on him to make things right. Likewise with the myriad of players from the steroid era whose names and reputations are ruined by playing this kind of game. I am fortunate in that my outbursts did not cost me my career. There are some I am sure that think little of me because of some of the things I have blown up about over the years and if I could do them over I would do them differently. But I can’t go back and change them now; they are a part of the tangled tapestry of my life just above the Mendoza Line.

Tuesday night I had the overnight duty and because we were short staffed due to injuries and people being out the duty pager went off incessantly throughout the day. It was like a day at Parkland without every call being a code, death or trauma. By noon I felt like a pitcher who was having every batter get a hit, every time I turned around I was rushing off somewhere else. It is funny when you have a feeling about how a day is going to go. By noon I knew that this day would be long and painful, just like a game where the opposition scores early and often. By early evening I was tired, but the hits kept coming and by now almost all were cases out of my comfort zone.

I am by nature a Critical Care, Trauma and Emergency Medicine type of Chaplain. I am just wired that way. I will never be a shrink. I have people all the time ask me or even suggest to me that I get a degree in Counseling or even a Doctorate in Psychology. Now I do think that I would be a good diagnostician, but I couldn’t handle what my friends who are shrinks have to deal with on a daily basis, give me carnage and traumatic tragedy any day of the week, but not persistent pitter-patter of psychological problems.

Now by shrinks I mean Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Therapists, Clinical Social Workers and Psychiatric Nurses. I use the term “Shrink” loosely but with great respect and I do not hesitate to consult with them or refer people to them. I don’t know how they live in that world. The maelstrom of mentally mangled humanity that my friends deal with on a daily basis would have me in a rubber room. Thus when I see patients on medical floors I always read their chart and history because if I am going to go in and visit a patient I prefer to know that they are Borderline, Bi-Polar, Schizophrenic, Paranoid, Clinically Depressed, delusional, suicidal or spermicidal before they suck me into their hellish helix of hopelessness. Knowing these things allows me to stay in my lane, offer appropriate support and actually care for them within my limitations because I do actually have a lot of compassion for the mentally ill or those suffering from even temporary emotional problems. Heck I have PTSD and some amount of anxiety so Elmer the shrink has his work cut out. How can I not feel some amount of compassion for those who have even worse situations? Now there are those who may have some of these conditions who are also maniacally manipulative or pathologically putrid who are not only mentally ill but somewhat or even majorly malevolent. These folks get to me, I have little compassion for people who even if they have issues are simply rotten people who get off on inflicting pain, emotional, spiritual or physical on those around them, to include their shrinks.

Tuesday night my blowout continued as person after person presented not only needing to see a shrink but wanting to deal with God and all they got was me. I was beginning to have some words with the Deity Herself about this but was quickly reminded that she loved them too. Thus my approach was pastoral, supportive and compassionate working within my limitations to ensure that they got the care that they needed without mucking it up for the ER staff or the shrinks. So of course I was dealing with delusional Paranoid Schizophrenics and Borderline cases all night long. By the time I trudged up to the on call room a little after 0400 I was exhausted. My ICU pals were getting a good laugh at my expense and at least I could see the humor in it all. The alarm rang far too early and when I made my duty turnover I felt like a starting pitcher who had been run over inning after inning for the entire start. I hadn’t had a night quite like that since my residency at Parkland. After the turnover I met with my Department Head for a few minutes and he simply said “Steven, go home.” Even my normal “I can’t leave I have work to do” way of doing life had to agree. I knew that I was a spent round.

Coming back after getting run over can be difficult and my next day at work I was rested and had a busy but not terribly stressful day and I was back in my element. No runs, no hits and no errors and no Paranoid Schizophrenics left on base.

How teams come back is interesting. After the drubbing that the Tides took on Thursday they jumped out to an early 4-0 lead against Indianapolis. Starter Troy Patton gave up two runs and in the 6^th Dennis Safrate came on in relief. Sarfate is down on a rehab assignment for the Orioles and got hit hard by the Indians. The Indians sent 12 men to the plate and scored 9 runs in the 6^th off of Sarfate and Russ Wolfe. Down 5 runs and looking at another beating the Tides found it within themselves to score 5 runs to tie the game in the bottom of the 7^th. Robby Hammock led off the bottom of the 8^th with a double, moved to third on a Carlos Rojas sacrifice bunt and was driven in by a Joey Gathright single for the go ahead and ultimately the winning run. Josh Perrualt got the win pitching 2.1 innings of scoreless relief retiring 7 of the 8 batters that he faced. Jeff Fiorentino had 2 hits an RBI and score 2 runs, Joey Gathright had three hits and the game winning RBI and Victor Diz had 2 doubles and 3 RBIs to help the Tides to victory.

Coming back takes work, no matter what you do. My life, especially the time in seminary until the time I entered the Navy was like a player or team who had a decade of tough seasons. When I came in the Navy I was able to turn things around. For the most part I avoid the things that got me in trouble in those years and I have become a lot more skilled at getting through the bumps that I still face. Fighting back after my post Iraq PTSD collapse has been difficult but things are getting better and my life is coming back into balance. Things that were impossible for me to deal with even a few months ago are starting to become manageable. I am coming back and I think that is the key. Blowouts are no fun and personally I don’t like them, but I am starting to find the takeaways that I need in order to come back. Isn’t that the point?

Anyway, tonight the Tides start a 4 game series against the Syracuse Sky Chiefs the AAA affiliate of the Washington Nationals who have a 55-49 record and are in 2^nd place in the International League North. The Tides are now 3 and ½ games out of 1^st in the South Division and a game behind Gwinnett for the Wild Card.

Peace, Steve+

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Filed under Baseball, Loose thoughts and musings, philosophy, Religion

Tagged as atlanta braves, bi-polar, blow outs, borderline personality disorder, carlos rojas, cincinnati reds, clincally depressed, dennis sarfate, elmer the shrink, harbor park, indianapolis indians, jeff fiorentino, joey gathright, josh perrault, mendoza line, mental illness, minnesota twins, new york mets, norfolk tides, oakland athletics, paranoid, parkland memorial hospital, Pete Rose, philadelphia phillies, psychiatry, psychology, PTSD, robby hammock, russ wolfe, schizophrenic, spermicidal, steriod era, suicidal, victor diaz

July 27, 2009 · 20:45

Going to War: Ministry amid Training

Two years ago my group of Individual Augmentees was leaving Ft Jackson South Carolina on the way to Kuwait, which was our final training site before going on to our assignments in Iraq, Afghanistan, Kuwait and other locations in the CENTCOM Area of Operations. In the two weeks prior to our departure we received training in a number of areas, especially weapons which I was exempted from as a Chaplain, though I did fire the crew served weapons for the fun of it. I wasn’t always a chaplain and have a hard time not enjoying a Mk 19 Automatic Grenade Launcher, M-240 series machine gun or the classic .50 caliber Machine Gun. Since I used to call in 155mm Artillery fire these are little guns, but still fun to play with. When you are chaplain and are exempted from actual training it does not mean that it is time to go to the Food Court at the Post Exchange to chow down on Pizza and Ice Cream. Ministry abounds if you want to go hang out. One of the fun things about hanging out with Navy guys unfamiliar with small arms is to watch them trying to clean them and get them past an Army armorer in an Arms Room. To see the looks of shock as my fellow sailors brought back their M-16s and M-9s for more cleaning. They had not yet learned the dirty little secret that a good armorer can find things dirty on a weapon that you didn’t even know existed. It was at this point with me calmly pointing out tricks of the trade that a physician who I had gotten to know looked at me and said: “Chaplain, you were in the Army weren’t you?” He looked at me as several others who had just had their weapons rejected stopped what they were doing and waited for my response.

I was kind; I acknowledged that indeed I had served in the Army and that I was not always a Chaplain. I then looked at the physician and said “Give me the weapon.” I took it from him, broke it down and gave a quick lecture on how to clean a weapon of the M-16 series. The dirty secret on these things is that you almost never get your weapon through the inspector on the first try. There are more places for carbon to hide on an M-16 than places you can find Waldo. Thus a good inspector knowing that he has a bunch of novices coming through simply rejects every weapon. I think that it builds character. I showed those around me all the little places where carbon was hiding on this officer’s weapon and how to get it clean to pass inspection. Knowing such things gives you additional “street cred” as a chaplain as you go off to war. It shows that you care about what your guys have to do enough to teach them. This is really vital when your Navy or Air force guys are training with the Army. It opened doors to ministry with these men and women. So if any of my deploying friends need some pointers on the care and feeding of an M-16 let me know.

Additionally, ministry seems to happen when you stay engaged with people. I was blessed that two additional chaplains, Commander Kyle Fauntleroy and Command Dave Rodriguez who were heading off to manage the “Warrior Transition” program in Kuwait. Together we figured out how best to care for our sailors including how we did services as well as counseling. We had a pretty good amount of business. It seems that life and tragedy happens even in training. We had a young hospital corpsman who was diagnosed with Leukemia during our first week there. Both the Navy chain of command and Army trainers expected us, in between and after training to make sure that she and her family were cared for. Other sailors found out that their husbands, wives or significant others were cheating on them. Still others were hurt in training accidents and could not deploy. In every case one or more of us took care of the sailor in question. It was a community of individuals that for a brief two weeks began to gel together despite the fact that when the training was completed we would go separate directions, some for more training at other bases and others directly to the Middle East.

Apart from the young woman with Leukemia the most notable thing that I got to do was baptize a young Navy Reserve Intelligence Officer who had been raised in the Episcopal Church but who’s parents had forgotten to have him baptized…oops. The subject came up when he became engaged to a Catholic girl. He needed to prove that he was a baptized Christian, only problem when he went to his parish they could find no record. So he inquired of his parents when he learned of the “oops we should have done that” situation. I like to baptize people, they way we do it you don’t have to wear hip-waders or make up anything because it is all in the Prayer Book so it’s not that hard. So I did it on our last Sunday morning with his fiancé present. It was really cool. The young officer had the bunk next to me in the barracks so we had gotten to know each other during conversations as we checked or put together equipment, packed gear, washed clothes or went to chow. He was very smart and friends as well as unassuming. When asked what he did in civilian life he simply said that he worked intelligence and foreign policy in DC. I figured as most would infer that the young man was with the CIA or DIA or some other outfit. We saw each other a couple of times as Nelson and I traveled about Al Anbar Province the last time in the Wal-Mart sized chow hall number three at Al Asad as we waited for a flight out west. After I returned and was having my PTSD meltdown I found that the young man was then Senator Barak Obama’s senior National security adviser. We had stayed in touch in the following months but finding out this was a surprise. We have remained in touch and he now serves as Chief of Staff for the National Security Council. I think it’s cool that he is up there working with General Jones on the NSC. He’s a good man who despite his high position remains active in the Naval Reserve. He is doing well in his marriage and remains in contact with guys like me. It makes me even more prayerful for him as he advises the NSC and President. It was one of those moments when I knew that the Deity Herself had placed me in a person’s life that due to his office needs prayer more than we can imagine.

Ministry of all types continued to happen our entire time at Fort Jackson, we dealt with family deaths, birth notifications and medical emergencies. We counseled, prayed and assisted sailors in need and looked out for each other. Nelson was engaged not only receiving training but also giving it having run something like 400 convoys in Afghanistan. He ended up as one of the honor graduates and won a leadership award from the Army staff. It is really great to have an assistant of Nelson’s caliber when you go to war. As we got ready to leave Ft Jackson my young friend went off for more specific training at another base with many of the other Intelligence Officers and specialists. Nelson and I packed up our gear, stacked it and helped load trucks which would take us to our flight.

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Filed under iraq,afghanistan, leadership, Military, philosophy, Tour in Iraq

Tagged as baptism, barak obama, cia, dia, fort jackson sc, general james jones, m-16 rifle, m-9 pistol, ministry, national security council, nelson lebron, PTSD, weapons cleaning, weapons training

July 23, 2009 · 19:34

Loose Thoughts: Can Somebody Tell Me What Sleep is and Why the Old Crap? Why not New Crap?

bean church 1 Mr Bean Trying to Stay Awake in Church. I can Really Relate See the video at

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7178785146631188901&ei=UthpSvKcCpv-qAOCyJAd&q=mr+bean+in+church&hl=en

Tuesday and Wednesday were days where the old Crap both my own life and others kept rising to the top. My current and crap, which in reality is my old crap move to the present are my PTSD related issues or maybe it’s the whole damned subscription. My stuff came up, because as Elmer the Shrink says that they have been suppressed by my brain and get dredged up by stuff that triggers them. Thus it is kind of involuntary, something that I hate. I am a deliberate and logical person and I don’t like this stuff coming up and screwing with my life, which right now is pretty busy and stressful.

Tuesday night I had the “privilege” of getting two and a half hours of sleep after a great seminar on Caregiver Operational Stress management and intervention. I was proud of myself. I actually got through an entire daylong seminar without an immediate PTSD meltdown during the seminar. That last three times I have attended classes or seminars dealing with things related to or that touch on my stuff it has been like a old pitcher who has seen better days getting chased from the mound at Yankee Stadium in the first inning giving up 7 runs without recording an out. Tuesday it was hard but it was like getting a complete game and the win. This was a big accomplishment for me as I have not been able to do this since before I went to Iraq. However, the subject matter did kick up a bunch of my stuff from Iraq and getting to sleep was really; I mean really fun….not. To use the old pitcher metaphor I may have got the win but my arm and body need some time to recover, only instead of the arm and body it is by pea-brain. So Tuesday I didn’t get to bed until 2:30 AM and was back up at 5:00 AM so I could come to work and take the duty for the house in addition to my regular duties.

Now I don’t mind having duty, especially at night when I get a chance to round through our hospital wards and spend time with staff, especially the folks in the various ICUs and units that are not part of my daily routine. Yesterday I had a couple of meetings today, a long one in the morning and a couple in the afternoon. The last meeting was like one of those afternoon classes that I dreaded back in college and seminary; the kind that I took because I was either working or wanted to sleep late, but which kicked my ass. One time in seminary the “Z Monster” grabbed me after eating a big burger at lunch before going to class. That afternoon in Philosophy of Religion the Professor, Dr. Yandall Woodfin, decided to enlighten us with a slide show of various art masterpieces and the religious and or philosophical meanings that could be ascribed to them, I think there were several slide trays of them as this was in the technological dark ages before Power Point poisoning. I was sitting in the front row, my desk almost under Dr. Woodfin’s nose just slightly to the left of the slide carousel. The lights were turned low so we could see the pictures better and the temperature was just warm enough in the classroom to make me even more sleepy. As all the blood in my body rushed from my brain to my burger locker I began to struggle to stay awake. It was like Mr. Bean trying to stay awake in church http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7178785146631188901&ei=UthpSvKcCpv-qAOCyJAd&q=mr+bean+in+church&hl=en I was fighting hard but the “Z Monster” won. I was doing the “bob, jerk and sleep” for about 20 minutes when finally catastrophe hit. I flipped my desk; it was a rollover accident without a roll bar, but it was amazing that I did not hurt myself and just how fast I recovered. I had that desk righted and had my ass back in it before anyone knew what hit them. My fellow students tried to restrain their laughter as the unflappable Dr Woodfin kept the lecture going without missing a beat. I don’t know if it was years of training or the fact that he was in his “teaching zone” but his focus was amazing as he showed absolutely no distraction by my roll over.

I had similar experiences in other academic and military settings, but while I may have fallen out of my seat I never again flipped a desk. However today was tough. I had been pumping myself with caffeine all day long and evidently it was not having the desired effect. I got to the NOD (Nurse of the Day) meeting where the on call people meet with representatives of the nursing units to get an idea what is going on in the hospital at large. Today I took my seat and the “Z Monster” showed his well disguised face and zapped me. Pretty soon I was fighting to stay awake. I was pinching myself, shrugging my shoulders, sucking down my Coke Zero just to stay awake, a couple of times I caught myself about to fall forward in my chair, thankfully I didn’t snore…yes I have done that in meetings or classes too. When the meeting ended I was more than happy. I slowly rose from my chair, shook myself out and downed the last of my Coke Zero. When I got back onto the ICU I got second wind and was good the rest of the evening, made all of my rounds and finally feeling that things were okay for the night trundled off to the chaplain call room to try to sleep. I got in the bed, pulled the threadbare hospital sheets and too small blankets over me, arranged the flat pillows so they resembled a real pillow turned off the lights and close my eyes. Unfortunately though my body was toast my brain did not want to turn off, it was like the brain had a mind of its own and was going to keep my body up even though my body was saying “Oh God let me sleep.” I was so tired that I couldn’t even write myself to sleep like I normally do. Even my entreaties to the Deity Herself seemed to go unanswered, so a laid there, turned on the television and surfed the paltry selection of channels that Mordoc the Preventer of Information contracted to get finally flipping between late night talk show hosts on the major networks other than Conan O’Brien I didn’t know who the majority of these guys were, one of them who followed Conan started kissing the camera in the middle of his monologue. I rapidly changed channel as that was frightening. Finally about 2:30, which must be the new 11:30 for me, I drifted off to sleep to be awakened by the 0600 test of our Code Blue response pager. I did my duty turnover, pumped myself full of caffeine checked on the ICU and PICU, visited some patients, consulted the staff, answered some hot e-mail and calls regarding our incoming Pastoral Care Residents and realized that my body was starting to tell me that I was done. I trudged down to our main office, sat down with the boss who asked why I was still at work, discussed a couple of issues with him and got sent home where I kissed Judy, pet the dog and threw my ass in bed. I feel slightly more human now and pray that the sleep I got this afternoon does not mess up going to sleep tonight.

bean church two

While thinking about how my old crap was exhumed by the class, something that Elmer the Shrink says that my brain has been suppressing, I got an e-mail from a pastor who has syndicated opinion column for a number of newspapers here in the USA. The guy used to write some pretty good stuff that was encouraging, inspiring and occasionally thought provoking. But something has changed and his articles have become often become almost venomous. I guess that he’s really angry about something, probably Obama and the Democrats. I understand that that is his right as a citizen, there are a lot of people unhappy with the President and Congress, my mother is one of them. I talk to my mother almost daily almost and for eight years she bitched about Bush and the Republicans and now she is bitching about Obama and the Democrats, but she represents herself, she is not a pastor, she holds no church or public office and thus can do whatever she wants.

Anyway this pastor chose to write an article full of anger and poisonous invective, but not at anything happening now. He chose to dig up old crap with no relevance to the Gospel, or to anything that is happening now. He chose to write about a doctoral seminar that he attended several years ago. He discussed a situation where a non-US citizen pastor of an American church in a graduate program was criticizing the USA as a major source of the world’s problems. Now I might take offense if someone did that, I would defend my country and I might depending on the situation confront him during or after the class. However, this chose to drag this up when it seems totally irrelevant to anything going on now. I really don’t think that anyone is concerned about how a foreign pastor pissed this minister off years ago. People are scarred spitless of the Commie North Koreans, Iranian nukes, Pakistani nukes, the expanding war in Afghanistan, the price of gas, the economy and a hundred other very real crisis’s. But this pastor decided to tell how a long time ago he responded in a class to a guy who dared to criticize the USA. But this wasn’t the worst of it, this guy ended the column with a particularly acidic comment that was like cup of “America Love it or Leave It” with a shot of Drano. There was no redemptive point to the article; there was no humor, no spiritual lesson, just a very angry and bitter screed about something that happened in a classroom among a bunch of doctoral students which happened four years ago at the height of the insurgency in Iraq. I did not think that the article was befitting of him and hope that his ministry is not filled with stuff like this as it is poison. Like Drano it will clean you out, but it will leave you empty inside. If this were an isolated occurrence with this pastor I would chalk it up to him having a bad day, but he is trending this way and I’m afraid that if he continues to do so he will hurt his church and the broader Christian church by becoming identified more with a political message than his faith. In fairness I don’t know what caused him to write the article, maybe something triggered him and caused this to kick in. I do want to be fair to him. I do plan on discussing the matter with him because I actually do care.

Now I’m sure that there are people who think that I’m full of crap too, and I’m okay with that, because I know that I have issues and rough edges and sometimes push the envelope. At the same time I do try to find a point of contact in the present and write, even when I am critical of a person or institution. I do not believe that anyone or any institution is totally bad or good, even people that I disagree with are like broken clocks, they are right twice a day.

I hope to sleep tonight and I hope none of my old Crap or anyone else’s old Crap shows up tonight. Unfortunately Crap tedns to rise to the surface.

Peace, Steve+

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Filed under iraq,afghanistan, leadership, Loose thoughts and musings, philosophy, PTSD, Religion

Tagged as combat operational stress management, conam o'brien, congress, democrats, economic crisis, elmer the shrink, insomina, iranian nukes, iraq, mordoc the preventer of information, mr bean, mr bean at church, mr bean in church, north korean nukes, operational stress, pitcher, power point poisoning, president obama, PTSD, yamkee stadium, yandall woodfin, z monster

July 22, 2009 · 00:01

My Brotherhood of War

Dynamic Duo RP2 Nelson Lebron and Me- The RST-2 “Desert Rats”

Back in the mid 80s shortly after I was commissioned as an Army Officer there was a series of historical novels by W.E.B. Griffin called the Brotherhood of War. The series traced the paths of several Army officers as well as family and friends beginning in World War II. I am not much of a reader of fiction, but this series, as well as Anton Meyer’s Once an Eagle well captured the unique culture of the career professional soldier through both war and peace. They treated their subject respectfully while also dealing with the effect of this lifestyle on families as well as the soldiers, reading Once and Eagle I feel that connection with the fictional Sam Damon, the hero of the story and revulsion for the character of the self serving careerist Courtney Massengale.

I’ve been a military officer in both the Army and Navy now for almost 26 years with nearly 28 years total service. It is part of my heart, soul and being. I was born for this, just as Babe Ruth, Willie Mays and Ted Williams were born to be baseball players. I grew up in a Navy family as a Navy “Brat” living up and down the West Coast and the Philippines and all I can remember from the earliest age wanted to be in the Navy Officer and later Navy Chaplain. My dreams came true. The first 17 ½ years of my service was in the Army, something that that initially my retired Navy Chief Dad had problems with, however he made his peace with it and was proud that I served and proud of the fact that I had made Major. However, in 1999 in order to return to active duty I resigned my Army Reserve commission as a Major and entered the Navy Chaplain Corps as a Lieutenant with no time in grade. Outside of marrying my wife Judy, who somehow did not kill me when I did this, going in the Navy was the best thing that ever happened to me.

134 LtCol David Kuehn and Me

Part of my time in the Army and Navy has been my time in the Chaplain Corps of each service. I have been a chaplain for 17 years come September. My best friends in the military are other chaplains, some from my own church and some from other communions. The ones that I have the most connectedness to are those who have served in combat, especially those who served in Iraq, or ships in the war zone conducting various combat and maritime operations even when we were in different places. In Iraq I was blessed to have Fr Jose Bautista-Rojas and Chaplain Pat McLaughlin supporting me at my base of operations. There were others besides these men and many who were not chaplains. In Baghdad I had the staff of the Iraq Assistance Group Chief of Staff Colonel David Abramowitz and Chaplain Peter Dissmore and Captain Mike Langston at II MEF Forward. Likewise I had Colonel Scott Cottrell and Colonel John Broadmeadow at 7th Iraqi Division Military Training Team, my friend LtCol David Kuehn at 3rd Brigade 1st Iraqi Division Military Training Team, LtCol Stephen Bien with the 2nd Border Brigade and a host of others about Al Anbar Province. As important if not more was my assistant RP2 Nelson Lebron, a true hero and friend.

chaplains and rp2 lebron at TQ Nelson, Fr Jose Bautista-Rojas, CDR Pat MCLaughlin and Me at TQ

Back in March of this year I was with a number of chaplains from my church gathered for our annual conference. Some of these men I have now known for at least 10 years, some more. I’ve seen the young guys start to age and others retired from the service. We have grown together; we at least in most cases have come to love each other as brothers and friends. What has made this conference different from past gatherings is that all of us have had one or more combat deployments or are getting ready to go for the first time or back for another tour.

nelson and me flight home Nelson and Me in the Air Everywhere

We have shared our stories but now they are the stories of men who have all seen war. In our careers we have all experienced success, as well as heartache. Due to our duty we have been often isolated from the church and each other. We all came back from the war changed in some way. Some of this is due to health related issues stemming from our service and for others things that we have seen or experienced. Of course each of us has had different types of experience in country, but nonetheless our experienced changed all of us in some way or another. For me the events have been trying to make sense of the torrent of emotional, physical and spiritual distress that I have had to deal with. While I have made a lot of progress in some areas, there are a lot of places where I’m still sorting through things as are a number of my friends. I can say that I often feel alienated from my own church. When I read things that some of our bishops write or say I know that I do not belong. Based on my service in combat and to my country for almost 28 years and 13 years as a faithful priest I have tried. The fact that with the exception of some of my fellow military priests I have no relationships with anyone in my church, I was at one time banned from publishing by a former bishop. I was forbidden to have contact with the priests of a my old diocese when I was stationed in it by the same man. The civilian diocese that I transferred to has had nothing to do with me for the most part since I was transferred to Virginia and since I moved here no one has bothered to say a thing to me. None of this was because I didn’t try and the thing is I don’t care anymore. I just plan on caring for God’s people where I’m at and building relationships with people who bother to invest in my life here. I haven’t the spiritual or emotional energy to keep trying to make something happen with people who obviously don’t care about me and haven’t for years.

This year our gathering was marked by a lot less light heartedness. There was a lot less bravado than years past, more reflection, less intense discussion of the theological issues that have divided the Christian Church for centuries. I know for myself I don’t have the energy to spend battling people over things that the rest of Christendom hasn’t been able to settle on. For me I’m okay with the Canon of Scripture, the Creeds and the first 7 Ecumenical Councils, though I have a great love of the Second Vatican Council. If people want to fight the other fights they can go ahead without me how many pins you can stick in the head of an Angel.

As far as health concerns I know that at least two of us have confirmed real live PTSD, and one with a case of TBI. Based on the way others act I’m sure that almost all have at least a combat stress injury, and maybe a couple more have PTSD. One young Army Chaplain has an Iraq acquired constrictive bronchiolitis, or bronchiolitis obliterans which has no cure. This young man has won two Bronze Stars and now has the lung capacity of a 70 year old man. At best he can hope that his lungs will not worsen and only age at a normal pace, which means in 10 years he has 80 year old lungs. This young man is a Priest who I have mentored, coached and been a friend and colleague of since before he was ordained. He is looking at something that will kill him; it is just a matter of when. He is going through all of his medical boards now at Fort Hood and expects that in six to eight months that he will be medically retired. It seems to me that a hero is being kicked to the curb by the Green Machine after laying himself on the line for his country. He was treated by many people in the Army Medical system with suspicion and made to prove that he was sick at almost every point until a high ranking medical officer found out about his case and sent him to civilian specialist for evaluation.

While I was at our conference I had a major PTSD meltdown where I basically hid in my room of a day and a half, sneaking out at night to gather with just a couple of my friends by the pool for beer and Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. Unfortunately we could only get the store bought ones because the hot and fresh glazed go great with a good pilsner or lager.

We have several Chaplains who have won Bronze Stars for their service in combat. I was awarded the Defense Meritorious Service Medal for what I did in Iraq. I treasure that award because it cost me something to get, I still have a lot of Iraq with me and I always will. Some day when all is said and done I want to see some of my Iraq military friends again and visit the country as part of a journey of discovering the ancient.

Some of my friends and I have experienced the indifference of the medical and administrative parts of the DOD and VA systems, including sometimes people in our own military service. When I returned I found my personal and professional belongings crammed into a trailer with those of my assistant because the office space was needed and we were deployed. There are things which I considered important that are still missing and likely never to be found. I know that it was not intended to hurt because the space was needed because of major unit re-stationing. If I was the Commanding Officer I would have probably done the same thing and since I have had command I know that mission comes first. You try to take care of people but some things fall through the crack. That is simply part of life.

On the other hand some of my friends have had experiences where they felt the cold indifference of bureaucratic systems often staffed by personnel, military, DOD Civilians or contractors who act if the returning or injured vet is there so they can have a job. To be sure there are a lot of very caring people in our organizations, but these coldly indifferent people seem to show up all too frequently. This unlike what happened at my unit is intolerable.

What touched me about my unit was once it became clear that I was a PTSD casualty they did everything to try to get me help. My first Commodore, now Rear Admiral Frank Morneau pulled me into his office to make sure that I was alright and that I was getting the help that I needed. The man who replaced him Commodore Tom Sitsch asked me a question that was totally legitimate. “Where does a Chaplain go for help?” When I went to Portsmouth Naval Medical Center I was strongly supported by both my department head and his deputy. I wish that everyone who came back like I did had the support of both line officers and Chaplains in their immediate chain of command. It makes all the difference in the world.

The chaplains that I have served with in Iraq are part of my brotherhood, be they from my church or not. I believe that most of us who have gone to war have by and large matured. We saw death and destruction and were exposed to danger from enemies that could strike in the most unexpected moments in the most unexpected ways. We have experienced sometimes difficult adjustments to life back home, a knowledge that we are different and that we are even more cognizant of our own obligation to care for God’s people. Our brotherhood has deepened as a result of war, of that I am sure. We are truly brothers.

Peace, Steve+

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Tagged as 1st iraqi division, 2nd iraqi border brigade, 7th iraqi division, afghanistan, Army, army chaplain corps, bronchiolitis obliterans, brotherhood of war, captain frank morneau, captain tom sitsch, church, constrictive bronchiolitis, defense meritorious servce medal, ecumenical councils, eod group two, II MEF forward, iraq, Krispy Kreme Donuts, navy, navy chaplain corps, once an eagle, PTSD, second vatican council, tbi

July 21, 2009 · 09:31

Revisiting the Demons of PTSD: Returning to Iraq in Virginia a Year and a Half Later

Today I am attending a conference on Caregiver Operational Stress Control. This brought out my “demons” as I was faced with the stories of others who had been to the same places that I have been in Iraq, and experienced similar things that I experienced on my return. This is a re-posting of something that I wrote in March at the very beginning of this blog. At that time I had very few readers.

I am glad to be at this training today. I needed to take a Xanax when I arrived because I don’t do well with these kind of events anymore. The intial session and a video of Dr Heidi Kraft talking about her expereinces at Al Taqaduum where I was based out of. I was scheduled for another meeting but I knew that I needed to be here. So I asked my Department Head who was going to the meeting if I could stay and he allowed me to do so. God bless him.

I received a note from a new friend in another country’s military, a physician with multiple tours in Afghanistan. He is dealing with many of the things that I discuss in this essay and had a bad day that took him back to Afghanistan. I am sure that he is not alone as I deal with many people in my Medical Center who have similar experiences. Yesterday I was walking down a hallway near our Operating Room and I saw a pretty good sized blood spill on the floor. I was surprised at my reaction as I kept seeing it in my mind the rest of the day and flashbacks to Iraq and the TQ Shock Surgery Trauma platoon where I was pulled into a couple of the last major mass casualty events where 10-15 Marines or soldiers came in at a time. I began to see those wounder Marines on the tables and can visibly see those Marines, their wounds, even tattoos… I hope this helps break the code of silence. I wrote this on a particularly rough day and will repost some of those early essays as they are still very relevant. Peace, Steve+

964 Trying not to Show my Stress and Exhaustion after 2 weeks out while in between flights at Al Asad

The feeling of abandonment and aloneness, separation and disconnection run deep for those returning from unpopular wars in which the majority of the citizens take no part. The effects are devastating. It is estimated that at least 100,000 Vietnam veterans have taken their lives in the years after that war. Last year the Army had its highest number of active duty suicides ever recorded, January and February of 2009 have been banner months for Army suicides. Of course as I noted in my previous post these numbers don’t include reservists and Guardsmen who have left active duty or veterans dischaged from the service. Neither do they include the host of service men and women who died from causes undetermined.

Many veterans attempted to return to “normal life” and family following the war. Many only to have marriages fall apart, continue or leave untreated alcohol and drug addictions acquired in country which often follow them back destroying lives, families and careers. Most felt cast aside and abandoned by the goverment and society. Many got through and return to life with few visible effects, but the scars live on. My dad would never talk about his experience in the city of An Loc in 1972 where he as a Navy Chief Petty Officer was among a small group of Americans operating an emergency airstrip in the city which was besieged by the North Vietnamese and Viet Cong for 80 days. I do know that it affected him, he wasn’t the same when he returned, he was a lot more tense and had some problems initially with alcohol. He never talked about his time there.

I have seen the effects of this in so many lives, I remember a Vietnam vet who attempted to kill himself with a shotgun blast to the chin in Dallas during my hospital residency. He forgot to factor in recoil and blew off his face without hitting his brain or any major arteries. He survived…talk about having something to be depressed about later. I have seen the tears as veterans rejected by the country during and after than war begin to seek community with their wartime brothers, men who had experienced the same trauma followed by rejection and abandonment by the people that sent them to Southeast Asia. One only has to talk to veterans of the Ia Drang, Khe Sahn, Hue City, the Central Highlands and Mekong Delta or read their stories to know what they have gone through. LTG Hal Moore and Joseph Galloway in We Were Soldiers Once..and Young and We are Soldiers Still have deeply penatrating and soul searching views of Vietnam as does Bing West in The Village. Bernard Fall does the same from a French perspective in Hell in a Very Small Place and Street Without Joy. Alistair Horne’s book A Savage War of Peace discusses and tells the story of many French soldiers in Algeria, who fought a war, won it militarily and had their government abandon them, bringing out a mutiny and coup atempt by French Soldiers who had fought in Indochina, were almost immediately back in action in Algeria with little thanks or notice from thier countrymen. Abandonment is an ever present reality and “demon” for many of us who have served regardless of our nationality, French, Canadien or American who have fought in wars that have not engaged the bulk of our fellow citizens. Go to the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington DC and tocuh it, trace the outline of a name, look upon the makeshift memorials and tokens of remembrance left by comrades who came home and understand the sorrow and the sacrifice.

Unfortunately we would like to think that this is something out of history that we have learned from and applied the lessons and in doing so no longer have an issue. Unfortunately this is not the case. There are many, depending on the study anywhere from8-20 percent of returning Iraq and Afghanistan veterans who suffer from some type of PTSD, Combat Stress reaction or other psychological malady incurred during their tour. Similar numbers are reported by the Israeli Armed Forces in from the 1973 War forward. The British are seeing the same now as their veterans return from war. Canadian Forces assigned to the UN command during the Rwanda genocide suffer horribly from PTSD. The mission commander, LTG Romeo Dalliare now a Senator in the Canadian Parliament is a leading spokesman for those who suffer from PTSD. His book Shake Hands with the Devil is a study of how military professionals were exposed to atrocities that they either were forbidden to stop or lacked the combat power to do so even if they wanted to. These men and women tell their story in a video put out by Canadian Armed Forces.

105 Convoy along Route Uranium

I am not going to rehash stories that I have recounted in my other posts dealing with PTSD here, but both I and many men and women that I know are scarred by the unseen wounds of this war. We gladly recognize, and rightfully so, those who suffer physical wounds. At the same time those who are dying inside are often ignored by their commands or if they come out are shunted into programs designed to “fix” them. In other words make them ready for the next deployment. I am not saying here that there is an intentional neglect of our service men and women who suffer from PTSD and other issues. I do not think that is the case, but it is a fact of life. The military is shorthanded and stretched to the breaking point. Many Army Soldiers and US Marines have made 3-5 deployments since 2003. The Navy has sent over 50,000 sailors, not including those assigned with the Marines into “Individual Augmentation” billets in support of operations in Iraq, Afghanistan, the Horn of Africa and other fronts in this war. The Navy personnel, as well as Air Force personnel who perform similar missions often do not have the luxury of going to war and coming home with a particular unit. We serve often in isolation and incredibly disconnected from our commands, our service is often misunderstood. Now there are efforts by the services and some commands to do things better to support our sailors, some of these at my own hospital. However as an institution the military has not fully made the adjustment yet.

Many sailors feel abandoned by the country and sometimes, especially when deployed by the Navy itself. I have debriefed hundreds of these men and women. Almost all report anger and use terms such as being abandon, cut off and thrown away by the service and the country. Those from all services who work in unusual joint billets such as advisers to local military and police forces in Afghanistan and Iraq feel a sense of kinship with each other, often feel a connection to the Iraqis and Afghans but are often not promoted or advanced at the same rate as others who have served in conventional forces in traditional jobs. There was a film called Go tell the Spartans staring Burt Lancaster about Army advisers in the early stages of Vietnam. If you see it and have been to Iraq with our advisers you can see some of the same dynamics at work.

At this point we are still engaged in Iraq and Afghanistan. These wars divided the nation and the veterans, though better treated and appreciated by society than most of thier Vietnam counterparts have no memorial. Words of thanks uttered by politicans and punits abound, our Vietnam era and other fellow veterans in their latter years come to the airports that we fly in and out of to say thank you, but our numbers are rising, the war rages on both in country and in our minds and lives are being lost long after soldiers have left the battlefield.

not a happy camper Not Doing Well on Leave about 5 months After my Return from Iraq

We have to do a better job of ensuring that those who sacrifice so much do not feel that they have been cut off and abandoned while they are in theater and especially when they return. When it is time we need a memorial on the Capitol Mall for those who served in these wars. I don’t know when that will be, but I do hope to see it in my day. Sure it’s only symbolic, but symbols can be healing too, just look at the black granite wall rising up from the ground and going back down into it, filled with the names of those who gave their lives and made the supreme sacrifice in Southeast Asia. Simply known by most as “the Wall” it has become a place of healing and rememberance. A place to say thank you, goodbye and amen.

Peace and blessings, Steve+

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Filed under healthcare, iraq,afghanistan, Military, PTSD, Tour in Iraq, vietnam

Tagged as a savage war of peace, abandonment, advisers, afghanistan, al anbar province, al asad, al taqaddum, alistair horne, an loc, battle of hue city, bernard fall, bing west, burt lancaster, canadian armed forces, code of silence, combat operational stress management, combat stress reaction, dr heidi kraft, go tell the spartans, hal moore, hell in a very small place, horn of africa, ia drang, individual augmentee, iraq, joseph galloway, khe sahn, mass casualty events, military suicides, navy, PTSD, rawanda, romeo dalliare, rwanda genocide, sailors, shake hands with the devil, street without joy, the village, us marines, vietnam, vietnam veterans, vietnam veterans memorial, we were soldiers once and young

July 19, 2009 · 15:17

Tom Watson: Gentleman, Champion and Supporter of the Troops

Tom Watson and Me

Shaking the Hand of Legendary Golfer and True Champion Tom Watson at Al Taqaddum Iraq 24 Nov 2007

My dad was a golfer. He began golfing as he was in his last few years in the Navy. Before he started golfing he was constantly watching it on TV when no baseball was on. When he retired he began golfing in earnest. It remained a lifelong passion of his even after he contracted Alzheimer’s disease. He developed as a golfer and by his early 50’s had developed a decent handicap. He also would help out as a volunteer at major tournaments at Pebble Beach. Dad loved golf, but as with everything in his life he took it very seriously. Sometimes when I visited home on leave dad would take me golfing and let me use his old clubs. Well, since I would golf once every three to five years I would not do very well. Before long he would be preaching at me and berating me because he said I had natural talent to hit the ball well and was wasting it. Those were always interesting outings, as my brother Jeff can testify to himself.

Anyway, back in the 1970s when I was still living at home dad would frequently watch golf on TV. One of his favorite players was Tom Watson. Back in those days because of dad I was familiar with almost every major figure in the sport. However they were not the same to me as like baseball players. Baseball was more of my sport, though I did and still do appreciate golf and now that my shoulder is getting healed up from the beating it took in Iraq I am going to be getting out on the course on a much more frequent basis once the Minor League Baseball season is over. The last time I was out in California my brother told me the same thing that my dad did about my ability to hit them ball. I trust Jeff as he is a very good golfer and had coached golf at the high school level. I think I am even more attuned to what I’m doing on the golf course because of Iraq and my PTSD. I am much more in tune with what my body is doing at any given point of time. I can now feel when a shoulder dips or I pull up on a shot as well as a number of other things that I never noticed before when I would go out on the course.

Because of dad I have retained a latent interest in golf. So when I heard that Tom Watson was in the lead at the British Open while listening to my local ESPN Sports Radio 1310 on the way home from having the Undead Tooth of Terror extracted my ears perked up. I had met Tom as well as a number of other golf legends in between missions at Al Taqaddum Air Base which was my home away from home while deployed to Iraq. Tom and several others came through on a tour. Now celebrities would make the rounds of Iraq and Afghanistan and I am grateful for them coming to visit, especially when things were not going well and a lot of guys were still getting killed and wounded. Many times I was out in the far reaches when people would come through so I didn’t see many of them. My friend Father Jose Bautista-Rojas was an escort for some dignitaries who accompanied the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Admiral Mike Mullen on his tour which included Lance Armstrong and Robin Williams. Jose got to spend some time with them and got me baseball hat signed by both. He said that Robin said that “I had better be praying for him.” I thought that was both funny and kind. I did meet Chuck Norris when he made his 2007 trip through Al Anbar visiting Marines. He shook about every person’s hand and had pictures taken with them and he didn’t just go to the big bases, but some of the little remote places that I went. I would have liked to meet Robin. I have heard from a number of folks that he is great to military folks. One thing that I noticed about the celebrities that came out, no matter who they were or what their politics, they were generally very friendly and seemed to care. Celebrities take a lot of knocks for many reasons, some justified and others not, but when they come out to a combat zone it is appreciated. I remember my dad talking about the Bob Hope tour that came to his ship off of Vietnam which included Sammy Davis Junior and Charro.

Anyway, I met Tom at Al Taqaddum in between mission’s right after Thanksgiving on November 24^th 2007. He and his group comprised of him David Feherty, Butch Harmon, Joe Inman, Tom Lehman and Howard Twitty were some of the finest and kindest men I have ever met while deployed. These men took time with every Marine, Soldier and Sailor who came to see them. They not only signed items but they gave away more things to our folks than I have seen given anywhere. I received a hat signed by Tom and the others from the Rider Cup Team, and a picture signed by all, personalized to me. That was really cool. While talking with Tom I told him about my dad and his condition as well as my brother. I asked if it would be possible to get something signed for them. Tom got with the other guys and had a hat signed for my brother and each of the golfers inscribed a person message to my dad on the pictures. They all expressed their well wishes to him and prayers for his health. I was really touched by what gentlemen all of these men were.

I watched the last part of the British Open today pulling for Tom, but unfortunately he lost in the playoff to Stewart Cink after making bogey on 18. The golf miracle story ended with Tom finishing in second place, but even still he was not expected to do what he did even a week ago. I really felt bad for him as he stood with tears in his eyes. Despite the fact that he finished second Tom Watson to me is a gentleman, sportsman, a supporter of us who serve in unpopular wars, a man of compassion and a true Champion. God bless you Tom and thank you for what you did for my dad while I was in Iraq.

Peace, Steve+

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Tagged as admiral mike mullen, al anbar province, al taqaddum, alzheimer's disease, bope hope uso tours, british open, butch harmon, charro, chuck norris, david feherty, fr jose bautista-rojas, howard twitty, iraq, joe inman, lance armstrong, marines, pebble beach, pga, PTSD, rider cup team, robin williams, sammy davis junior, stewart cink, tom lehman, tom watson, vietnam

July 10, 2009 · 16:54

Brothers to the End…the Bond between those Who Serve Together in Unpopular Wars

This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.

From the Speech of King Henry V at Agincourt in Shakespeare’s “Henry V” 1599

We have a new Greatest Generation whose accomplishments will likely go unheralded by history and unlike the “Greatest Generation” of World War Two not receive the full honors and accolades due them. The brothers, and for that matter sisters as well who have served in the current War on Terror, Iraq and Afghanistan campaigns have now been serving in a war that is now twice as long as the American involvement in World War Two. Many, like me have been in this since the beginning and many have made multiple deployments to the combat zones. And many of us, if not most of us would go again; I know that I would because part of me is still in Iraq; for me this war is still un-won and un-finished.

With MTT near Syria Advisers out on the Badlands of Al Anbar

With no disrespect to the Greatest Generation of World War Two, all of the current Soldiers, Sailors, Marines, Airmen and Coast Guardsmen are volunteers, as are the members of the Reserves and National Guard. Likewise this generation has for the most part fought the war alone as the vast bulk of the country has lived in peace untouched by any inconvenience to daily life such as gas and food rationing, requirements to work in war industries and the draft as were citizens in World War Two. In the Second World War there was a sharing of the burden which in large part has not occurred in this war. While many have pitched in to help and volunteered to help veterans and their families the vast majority of people in this country are untouched by the war, not that there is anything wrong with that. This is simply a comparison of the situation that those who served in World War Two and the present conflicts faced. So I have to say that our “Greatest Generation” is only a small part of the generation, as the line in Henry V “we few, we happy few who fought together….”

Dynamic Duo Brothers

These Soldiers, Sailors, Marines and Airmen from the United States as well as our Allies who serve alongside of us are my brothers and sisters. I am friends with military personnel from the UK, Canada and Germany who have served in the various combat zones or at sea and met quite a few others from France, the Netherlands and Australia. Of course my Iraqi friends who I served with while with our advisers in Al Anbar province who are not only trying to bring peace and stability back to their country but have to worry about their families being targeted by terrorists.

There are a number of things that unite us in this relatively small brotherhood. However, I think that this brotherhood could also be extended to our brothers who fought in Vietnam, French, Vietnamese, Australian, South Korean and American, the French who served in Algeria and the Americans and others that served in Korea. All of these wars were unpopular, had little support on the home front and often left returning veterans found themselves isolated and their sacrifices either ignored or disrespected. For those Americans who serve in the current wars I can say that at least to this point the public has been much more supportive than they were to our Vietnam brothers, many of who were even disrespected by World War Two vets who had fought in “a real war.” I cannot count the Gulf War in this list as it was hugely successful and the returning vets were hailed as conquering heroes with ticker tape parades.

advisers convoy prep Getting Ready for A Mission

Our shared brotherhood includes our scars, physical, psychological, neurological and spiritual. Those who served on the ground in Iraq and Afghanistan as well as those who served in Vietnam, French Indo-China and Algeria have the common shared experience of fighting people who don’t necessarily like foreigners no matter how noble our intentions and who have a long history of outlasting people that they believe to be invaders or occupiers. We have had to fight wars with no front lines, no major units arrayed against us, but rather asymmetrical threats propagated by creatively devious foes who use low tech easily available technology and a willingness to sacrifice themselves and others to force attempt to kill us. Thus we have cleverly designed and often quite powerful IEDs or Improvised Explosive Devices which can obliterate a HUMMV.

374 Prayer Before a Mission

These threats create a situation where there is no front line and thus where every excursion outside of a FOB (Forward Operating Base) or COP (Coalition Outpost) is automatically a trip into a potential danger zone. Enemies can infiltrate bases posing as local nationals in either military uniform or as workers, rockets and mortars can be lobbed onto even the largest and most secure bases at any time and any vehicle driving by you on the road could be loaded with explosives and just waiting to blow you up while insurgents with automatic weapons and Anti-Tank Rocket Propelled Grenades (RPGs) have taken down helicopters. When you have taken fire on the road, in the air and had rockets whiz by you this becomes a reality that you never forget.

helos at night A Familiar Sight to Me, Flying at Night AP Photo/David Guttenfelder

As a result we do not only have men and women with physical wounds, but wounds that have damaged the psyche or the soul. PTSD is very common either from a direct encounter or the continual wear and tear of being in a danger zone wondering if you were to get hit that day every day of a tour. I have lost count now of people that I know who have mild to severe symptoms of PTSD. Traumatic Brain injury is another condition men and women attacked by IEDs, mortars and rockets experience. Likewise there are the injuries that shatter the soul. These are the images of ruined buildings, burned out vehicles, wounded bodies, injured children, refugees and wars desolation that can leave a person’s faith in God, or ideals that he or she believes in weakened or even destroyed. There are many idealistic and patriotic military personnel who because of what they have seen question God, their National Leadership and even themselves. I cannot get the image of a refugee camp on the Iraqi Syrian border full of Palestinian refugees who have nowhere to go; they had been invited to Iraq under Sadaam and have been sitting on the border trying to get home for years now. The Palestinian authority wants nothing to do with them.

237 Iraqi Kids in War Torn Village on the Euphrates

These men and women are my brothers and sisters. I have seen quite a few of my ICU staff deployed this year with more getting ready to go. These are my friends and I do get concerned for them and pray earnestly for their safe return. I wish that I could go with them because I know them and have already walked with them through the dark valley of the shadow of death in our ICU. We already have a bond that will not be broken.

It is now two years since I was in the process of leaving for Iraq and a year since my PTSD crash. However, I still would do it again in a heartbeat. There is something about doing the job that you were both trained to do and called to do that makes it so. Likewise the bonds of friendship and brotherhood with those who you serve are greater than almost any known in the human experience. Shared danger, suffering and trauma bind soldiers together, even soldiers of different countries and sometimes with enemies. I remember the conversation that I had with an Iraqi Merchant Marine Captain on a ship that we had apprehended for smuggling oil violating the United Nations sanctions. The man was a bit older than me, in his early 60s. He had been educated in Britain and traveled to the US in the 1960s and 1970s. He had the same concerns as any husband and father for his family and had lost his livelihood after Sadaam invaded Kuwait in 1990. He was a gentleman who provided for his crew and went out of his way to cooperate with us. In our last meeting he said to me: “Someday I hope that like the Americans, British and the German soldiers at the end of the Second World War can meet after the war is over, share a meal and a drink in a bar and be friends.” That is my hope as well.

In the final episode of the series Band of Brothers there is a scene where one of the American soldiers, Joseph Liebgott who came from a German Jewish family interprets the words of a German General to his men in the prisoner compound. The words sum up what the Americans had felt about themselves and likewise the bond that all soldiers who serve together in war have in common, if you have seen the episode you know how powerful it is, I ended up crying when I heard it the first time and cannot help but do so now that I have been to the badlands of Al Anbar Province.

“Men, it’s been a long war, it’s been a tough war. You’ve fought bravely, proudly for your country. You’re a special group. You’ve found in one another a bond that exists only in combat, among brothers. You’ve shared foxholes, held each other in dire moments. You’ve seen death and suffered together. I’m proud to have served with each and every one of you. You all deserve long and happy lives in peace.”

A Chance Meeting with our EOD Mobile Uniit 2 Brothers

May God bless all of especially my brothers who served in with me in Iraq or have served or are serving in Afghanistan; as well as my brothers who fought in Vietnam, Indochina and Algeria. We may never get a victory parade, but we have each other.

Peace, Steve+

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Filed under History, iraq,afghanistan, Military, PTSD, vietnam

Tagged as afghanistan, al anbar province, al qaida, algeria, asymmetrical threats, band of brothers, fob, french indochina, gulf war, henry v, hummv, icu, ied, improvised explosive devise, iraq, kuwait, PTSD, rpg, sadaam hussein, the greatest generation, traumatic brain injury, united nations sanctions, veterans, victory parades, vietnam war, war on terror, we happy few we band of brothers, world war two

July 9, 2009 · 22:08

Visiting the Super Holy International Temple: The Ten Pretty Good Suggestions

I was visiting the Super Holy International Temple a few weeks back when I had a revelation…well maybe not exactly a revelation but a somewhat differently inspired inspirational moment of unquestionable inspiration. Or maybe it was just my mind was a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives through my insomniac PTSD’d brain after one too many beers at Gordon Biersch. Whatever it was, I can assure you that it was something that was important enough to write about. As the beneficiary of a relatively limited amount of wisdom and wanting to ensure that I am not becoming a Harry Tick I decided to check this out with the Deity Herself.

So I did so and indeed the Deity has allowed me to pass this wisdom on to my readers. Most of it deals with me but the application might be applicable to anyone who feels that is applicable to them, otherwise if not applicable readers should not make any application whatsoever to the way that they live their lives.

With that in mind this was what I received in that moment of differently inspired inspirational moment of unquestionable inspiration, what I will call the Ten Pretty Good Suggestions:

1. Dude, you don’t know nothing about a lot of things so don’t go making it up as you go along hoping that I will agree with it just because you found a Bible verse to back it up.

2. Likewise since you don’t know nothing don’t you go piddling about telling people that something was my will. While it may have been, it just may as well not have been. That is for me to know and you keep your mouth shut about, especially if it was one of those really sucky times where something bad happened to someone who obviously did nothing to deserve it…like little kids dying of cancer, women losing babies when they really want them, young people getting killed in war, people who are good people who love God and demonstrate love to others getting terrible diseases or watch family members and friends suffer while really sucky bad people seem to prosper and stuff like that.

3. Bad things happen to good people and bad people alike, just as good things happen to good people and bad people alike. The rain falls on the just and the unjust and this is why the Dodgers have won a number of World Series since coming west and the Giants haven’t.

4. Shit happens to both good and bad people not because the Deity wills it or the Devil is causing it but simply because pain, death and suffering are common to all due to the fall. Hey, that one rhymed so quit calling bad things “acts of God” or God’s will” since you don’t know nothing anyway.

5. The Deity does not take religious instruction from you Padre otherwise the creation would be far more fouled up than it has become, it doesn’t need your help. So please remember to thank me for Global Warming otherwise you’d be freezing you ass off down there.

6. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean that the Devil is out trying to get you. Just because he is a “roaring Lion seeking out someone to devour doesn’t mean that you are worth a whole lot of his time. Since he has made enemies with the Deity and had his head whacked at the Cross, he is probably not screwing with you at this moment. If you believe this Padre you are way too full of yourself and need to do some serious confession. Make no doubt there Padre, the Devil is out there and the proof is in artificial turf on baseball fields and aluminum or composite bats, those are unnatural and definitely the work of the devil.

7. Padre, just because you believe something really hard does not mean that I believe it or will just try to make you happy by allowing it to happen. Just ask Cubs fans last year when they thought they were going to the World Series…it didn’t happen.

8. You may not like it but you game is going to get rained out once in a while so move under the awning sit back and watch the grounds crew do their thing.

9.Don’t you go thinking that just because you did something that you think is special there Padre that I have to do something in return for you, like I love you and all that but dude I don’t owe you squat. My love, giving up my Son to die on the cross for you and the salvation of the world, including your sorry ass isn’t enough?

10. Since you don’t know nothing instead of telling people going through hard times that it is “God’s will” or “from the Devil,” simply admit that you don’t know and walk with them through the valley loving them and caring for them on the way, knowing that “even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me” and “I will be with you to the end of the age.” Like duh? I think that those are even in the Bible there Padre. Just like “in this world things will often be really sucky and stuff will go against you but be happy dude because I have overcome the world.”

So anyway after receiving that I had to stop and think, you know like dude, those are pretty profound. So since they are applicable to me don’t assume that they are applicable to you unless however they are applicable in which case you should make application and apply them. Somehow I think that there are a lot of folks who like me are tired of having people try to tell them how to live their lives or how God somehow figures into something bad happening to them when in fact it may not be God, or for that matter even the Devil either. Maybe shit just happens. I know that I got tired of people feeding me full of how they knew what God was doing in my life when bad stuff happened. all the way back in seminary when things went to Super Holy International Temple on me. Why should I inflict the Super Holy International Temple on others?

Peace, Steve+

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Filed under Baseball, Loose thoughts and musings, philosophy, PTSD, Religion

Tagged as 23rd psalm, acts of god, artificial turf, attacks of satan, baseball fields, chicago cubs, christian faith, composite bats, dodgers, global warming, god, God's will, gordon biersch, insomina, metal bats, PTSD, san fransisco giants, satan, the devil, the fall of man, why bad things happen to good people

July 8, 2009 · 20:45

Sometimes You Wanna go Where Everybody Knows Your Name

The hit long running comedy Cheers set in Boston Bar is something that I have grown to appreciate more and more throughout the years. It comes from the community of disparate people who find refuge in that bar each with their own lives and stories which all intersect at Cheers. The lyrics to the theme song from the show sum up where I sometimes find myself in life, especially coming back from Iraq.

Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got.
Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot.

Wouldn’t you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,
and they’re always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.

You wanna go where people know,
people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows
your name.

The last verse to the song “Where Everybody knows Your Name” never aired on the show and continue….

Be glad there’s one place in the world
Where everybody knows your name,
And they’re always glad you came;
You want to go where people know,
People are all the same;
You want to go where everybody knows your name.

The need for community is something that I didn’t think that I really needed for most of my life. It took a huge amount of time isolated in the military as well as coming back from Iraq with a nice case of PTSD to realize that I could not exist without some kind of local connection. This is something that when I returned from Iraq I knew that I did not have. For a good amount of time this didn’t matter because I was always on the road or deployed. It is easy to cover up the need for local relationships and community when you aren’t around.

For me this isolation really began when we moved to the Hampton Roads area back in 2003. I was assigned to a command where I was on the road a lot. However I sought to make build relationships with the local mission of my church in our area as well as other local clergy. After a clash with the local idiot masquerading as a priest I was forbidden by the bishop to have any contact with any of his priests or parishes. I guess since that bishop didn’t get my tithe that I didn’t matter. A couple of years later both the bishop and the idiot priest had left our church for happier hunting grounds. So when I came back from Iraq in 2008 I was isolated. I had transferred in October 2006 from a Marine Command where I felt absolutely comfortable to a different command where I was new and about everyone else was going about 95 different directions. The command chaplain who I had come on board under in the larger command had transferred during my deployment, while the one officer that I had developed a relationship with at my new command was deployed a couple of months after me. When I returned from Iraq even my office had been packed up and I had no-where to work from for over a month. My belongings, including many military mementos and awards were crammed into a trailer and it took almost a year to find the majority of them. A couple of items were not recovered. So on the military side I was pretty isolated and feeling pretty down. As I said I had no church ties from my denomination anywhere near me and had not, due to my own pathology and hectic travel and deployment schedule did not establish a relationship with another church until this year. Other friends had transferred over the years and I had one other chaplain in the area that I can call a friend. We have known each other since 1999 and our wives are best friends. Apart from that I was about as isolated and alone as I could get. It was then with my PTSD kicking my ass that I knew after all these years that I needed to be in community and in relationships with people locally. It was no longer good enough to simply check in with guys that I had known for years but who lived far away.

It took a while to get from knowing that I needed something until I was able to get established in a number of places and begin to build my local ties. The first two places were Harbor Park where I see the Norfolk Tides play and the local Gordon Biersch Brewery Restaurant. Harbor Park was something that I went to before Iraq as I love baseball. I was no stranger there, I’ve been around long enough to get to know staff, vendors and ushers and have met the General Manager Dave Rosenfield on a good number of occasions as he walks the concourse among the Harbor Park faithful. However something happened when I came back from Iraq. In most places I could not handle crowds, even going to church at the fairly large Catholic Church where I occasionally attend with Judy who is a member there. It is large and rather busy and since I only know a few people there I get a bit anxious, even though I love the Pastor, Deacons and the few people that I know. However every time I would step onto the concourse at Harbor Park and the lush green field came into view I could feel stress and anxiety leaving my body. Somehow almost magically I am at peace when at a ball game. I felt the same thing even in crowded Major League Parks at San Diego and San Francisco when I made trips to the west coast. When the season ended last year it was terribly difficult as the PTSD and Anxiety, nightmares and chronic pain were still raging. When this season came around and with Harbor Park now on my way home from work I knew that I needed to get a season ticket. I cleared with Judy and for the first time in my life I had a season ticket. Since the season began in April the Park has become more of a place of refuge and place of fellowship with some great people. Seeing Elliott the Usher, Ray and John the Vietnam Vets at the Beer Stand behind the plate, Kenny the Pretzel Guy, Skip the Usher in the section above me, Mandy up in the Tides Store my next seat over neighbor Barry, Barry’s daughter Julie, Tina and her husband, the Judge and others has given me a sense of community that is like a comfortable pub.

The same has been true at the Gordon Biersch Brewery Restaurant has become another place where I feel at home. I think this began with Kira, the choir child from Judy’s Church as well as guys like Mike, John and girls like Kai Ly who been incedible. We began by being frequenters of the dining room but have over the past several months moved to the bar as it is a bit more laid back and we get to know more people. Now the noise can occasionally be a bit much, but the kids who work there are really great to be around. I was just recently inducted into the Stein Club. Both Harbor Park and Biersch were important because even though the people that I met were those in the intersection they were places and people that began to get me back in touch with community.

Another really key part of building community for me is my work at Portsmouth Naval Medical Center. Somehow I am at home in the surreal environment of the ICU and PICU and the great folks who work on those floors. On call I am beginning to feel the same way about our NICU. The relationships formed in these areas as well as with my fellow chaplains have become especially important. My boss and some of our other chaplains have really helped me through some really rough times since I got here as I have dealt with the PTSD and other issues from Iraq. As I have made the adjustment to being back in the hospital setting I realized just how much I enjoyed the challenge of Critical Care chaplaincy, the care for patients, families and especially the staff and residents. I am at home here.

The final piece fell into place a few months ago, that was beginning to worship at St James Episcopal Church in Portsmouth. I had met the Rector (Pastor) of the Parish, Fr John at the hospital as he visited two of his parishioners who were patients in my ICU. We not only met but we became friends and he invited me to St James. Now Fr John is from Nigeria and the parish is predominantly African American, West Indies or Nigerian. The church reminds me a lot of East Side Presbyterian Church in Stockton CA which I attended with Judy. The liturgy while Episcopal is punctuated with familiar hymns and Old Negro Spirituals. The Church itself was founded in the 1890s as a place for African American Episcopalians to worship, Jim Crow being quite strong in those days. When I first went there I wondered about the wisdom of it but I knew that I needed a place to worship outside my little guestroom altar. I didn’t know what to expect, but the folks at St James love worship, music and have enfolded me, a Priest from a different communion into their community and for the first time since I came in the Navy, and certainly since I came back from Iraq I feel a sense of connection with a local parish. One thing that I believe is quite significant is that prior to the Civil War my familyowned slaves in what was then the western part of Virginia. I even met a man from Liberia who has my last name. His family went from the United States, to Canada, back to the UK and then on to Liberia before his family came back to the United States. His brother even serves in the US Navy. I’m sure at one point Cecil Dundas’s ancestors once were owned by some part of my family in Virginia. But we are both of the Dundas family and I think that is pretty cool. Small world.

I don’t necessarily think that I am alone in the search for community. I think for a lot of people they would want to find such a community in church, but from what I am seeing across the denominational spectrum and the move to large churches or mega-churches I am seeing more lonely people who attend church regularly but never feel a sense of family or community. Some of the things I hear from these lonely and disconnected Christians remind me of the lyrics to Abba’s hit Super Trouper:

Facing twenty thousand of your friends
How can anyone be so lonely
Part of a success that never ends
Still I’m thinking about you only

Part of this I think is that many churches have places more value on “Church growth” and programs than they have on people. There has been a shift, especially in larger churches to proliferate programs which take up a lot of time, but don’t foster relationships. Often the senior pastor is unreachable and untouchable in large churches. Someone may get contact with a staff pastor, but often this is even driven down to minimally trained small group or home group leaders. The churches themselves are so large it takes a long time for a new person to get to know anyone. Now large church can do a lot of good, but I do think what they lack is intimacy. Some home groups have this but others are train wrecks full of pretty bad juju. So I wonder if this is a part of the isolation and disconnection of people. Just a thought….

It has take me about five years to get connected in this area. The cool thing now is that there are a number of places where I can go where just about everybody knows my name. Slowly but surely I’m getting better as I get more connected. I now have the beginnings of a community which is rich and diverse, military and civilian and have the blessing of friendship with so many people that that make up the communities of which I have become part. The Deity has a wry sense of humor to take this introverted rugged individualist to put me into community with such a great bunch of people. She had to about throw me under the bus to do it, but I am glad that she did.

Peace, Steve+

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Filed under philosophy, PTSD, Religion

Tagged as Baseball, black episcopalians, bosnia operation, cheers, civil war, community, gordon biersch, hampton roads, harbor park, icu, iraq, norfolk tides, picu, PTSD, slavery, st james episcpal church, where everybody knows your name

Tag Archives: PTSD

“You can observe a lot just by watching” Yogi Berra….How PTSD has made me a lot more Observant

Blowouts…The Days (or years) you want to forget…But Need to Learn From

Going to War: Ministry amid Training

Loose Thoughts: Can Somebody Tell Me What Sleep is and Why the Old Crap? Why not New Crap?

My Brotherhood of War

Revisiting the Demons of PTSD: Returning to Iraq in Virginia a Year and a Half Later

Tom Watson: Gentleman, Champion and Supporter of the Troops

Brothers to the End…the Bond between those Who Serve Together in Unpopular Wars

Visiting the Super Holy International Temple: The Ten Pretty Good Suggestions

Sometimes You Wanna go Where Everybody Knows Your Name

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