Tag Archives: twinkies

November 17, 2012 · 23:57

Stocking the Personal Strategic Twinkie Reserve while the BCS Burns

“There is a box of Twinkies in there. And not just any Twinkies, but the last box of Twinkies in the whole universe. And believe it or not, Twinkies have an expiration date, and pretty soon, life’s little Twinkie gauge is going to go…empty.” Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) Zombieland 

There are times when after a long and tiring week that the big issues of life are too much to write about. Yes I know there are wars and many terrible things going on in the world. I also know that when I wake up tomorrow morning that they will still be going on.

In the mean time I watched this week in stunned silence as Hostess twisted in the wind before finally announcing that they were shutting down, ending the production of signature lines such as Twinkies, Ding-Dongs, Ho-Hoes, Fruit Pies and Hostess Cup Cakes.

Likewise I watched in fascination as the number one and two teams in the College Football Nation went down to defeat, stunning the bookies and setting up the Notre Dame Fighting Irish Jesus’s into the top ranking. This means that for the first time in more than 300 weeks of NCAA football rankings that Notre Dame is ranker than the rest of the NCAA. While this is news it paled in comparison to seeing my ROTC Alma Mater the UCLA Bruins defeat the USC Trojans or as we knew them as in the 1980s as “Troy Tach.”

I don’t eat much junk food but when I want cakes made with obscene amounts of sugar and preservatives I prefer the Hostess brand. I know that some people prefer Little Debbie or Dolly Madison but for me it was Hostess that was the mostess. I remember having these long lasting nearly indestructible mass produced treats in my lunch box as early as First Grade. I remember savoring every sugary bite as if they were delicacies baked in the finest bakeries for kings and queens.

While I love the Twinkie, I also loved the Cup Cakes, the chocolate ones, with the white filling, and the chocolate icing. Those were amazing. I still eat them the same way that I did as when I was a kid. I eat the cake portion first and then the icing, wrapping it into a roll and savoring it as the massive sugar rush melded with whatever form of caffeine I had had with it.

Though I went out and stocked my own personal Strategic Twinkie Reserve I do have hope that the Twinkie will live on as other manufacturers are already looking to buy the signature Hostess lines. But until they do and production resumes my personal Strategic Twinkie Reserve will remain and I won’t sell my soul.

Peace Love and Twinkies

Padre Steve+

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September 8, 2012 · 22:47

Molly and the End of Padre Steve’s Strategic Pop-Tart Reserve

Pop-Tarts and Twinkies are two foods that one needs to survive the apocalypse. Both are durable foods, nearly impervious to decay, the half life of both is rumored to be classified at the highest levels of government.  This has to be true because RJ the Raccoon in the comic strip Over the Hedge maintains the Strategic Twinkie Reserve for such emergencies.

In light of this I used to keep Pop-Tarts in my car. They would be my breakfast on the way to work or sugar to meld with caffeine on long trips. I also wanted them in in the car to be prepared in case some great calamity would occur, Zombies, hurricanes, earthquakes, an invasion of 100 foot long Iranian backed terrorist Cockroaches or the Cubs winning the World Series and forcing Jesus to move up his plans for the Second Coming. I am one to prepare for such emergencies.

The great thing about Pop-Tarts is that unlike most foods Pop-Tarts do not go bad. The weather can be hot and dry, warm and humid or cold as blazes and they will survive. This is true even if you only eat one of the two Pop-Tarts in the packet, and leave the packet open in the car. Even if you do this the other will remain edible for weeks, months, maybe years. They may dry out a bit, but they will survive. This makes them ideal to keep in the car because unlike a candy bar they will not melt.

Pop-Tarts, like Twinkies contain an inordinate amount of sugar. If you need a kick that only a sugar rush or amphetamines can supply Pop-Tarts are one of the most indestructible sources available.

Back before my little Papillon-Dachshund mix Molly came down to live with me I would only see her when I visited Virginia Beach or Judy brought her to see me. On one of these trips home to Virginia I left one opened and and one unopened package of Pop-Tarts in the storage area under the front passenger seat of my Honda CR-V. I had left them there and forgotten about them because there really was no need to do anything with them. They were there for emergencies, like my flash light and warning triangle and they were indestructible. This was my Mobile Strategic Pop-Tart Reserve or MSPTR.

However, on that Saturday morning I needed to go to the local Farm Fresh grocery store for a few breakfast items. Since it was a cool winter morning I asked Molly if she wanted to go with me. Molly loves rides and didn’t need to be asked twice. She bounded to the car, which at the time was my old 2001 Honda CR-V. Molly jumped into the car and took her place in the passenger seat.

I left her in the car as I went in to the store. As is her habit she barked at me, quite offended that she was not going with me. I was in the store for about 10 minutes and when I came back to the car I saw a very hyper dog and empty Pop-Tart wrappers all over the front seat and floorboard. Molly had discovered the MSPTR. The really interesting thing was that she did not simply rip open the unopened package. She had neatly opened it along the seam, like you or I would do, as if she had thumbs.

At this point there was nothing that I could do but laugh. Yelling at her would not do anything because the Pop-Tarts were gone and I had left them in easy reach. The dog is not stupid and she took the target of opportunity. However, she did not count of the sugar rush. For the next hour it was like she was on speed. She darted around the house running around in circles, grabbing toys and bouncing off furniture until she finally ran out of gas. When she ran out of gas she crashed hard.

Judy and I could not help but laugh as we talked about it and the event had long lasting implications. I discovered the one vulnerability of the MSTPR. It was not Molly proof.

That was the end of the mobile Strategic Pop-Tart Reserve. After that I switched to fresh fruit which could not be left in the car without the danger of melting down, forcing me to eat it and throw away the remains or take it into work or the house.

Perhaps one day I will start another MSPTR in my Ford Escape, but since Molly now lives with me and rides with me more often I will have to do a better job of securing the MSPTR than I did in the past. To put in in military terms I will need to increase my force protection level if I want to do this. Molly is not to be trusted around food. This morning I left my bowl of cereal next to the bean bag and turned my back to get my coffee and when I turned around Molly was happily eating my cereal. I looked at her and said “what do you think you are doing?” She backed off and I finished the cereal. When I was done I put the bowl down for her to finish the residue. Some people would find that part gross but when you have had dogs as long as us there are some things that you just get used to. Evidently I need to increase my force protection level at home as well.

The scary thing is that our new Papillon puppy Minnie is a very smart little dog and I’m sure that when I am back in Virginia that she will begin to ride with me as well. Minnie likes to try to steal sips of my beer and my coffee, sometimes with me looking right at her. She will also attempt to go behind my back in order to steal food from behind. Since she is not ever 8 pounds and very light of step she can make a stealthy approach. So I know that nothing will be safe from her.

Peace

Padre Steve+

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July 19, 2012 · 21:23

Mr Mold Man: A Blast of Spores from the Past, the Mad Doctor Dundi at Work

I love the comic strip Over the Hedge. I have a remarkable affinity for RJ Raccoon, the brilliant yet twisted genius of the strip. I think that it is because he embodies so much of what makes me…well…makes me me.

This week RJ has been confronting his old refrigerator nemesis Mr Mold Guy.  RJ’s experience has caused me to do some soul searching and refrigerator emptying here at the Island Hermitage.

I don’t know about you but I am a fan of food and I like to buy food and sometimes I forget that I have bought food. Thus there are times when I am rooting about the fridge that I find some delicacy that I either forgot that I bought or pushed that I had buried under something else. I find that the back of the vegetable crisper is a haven for such lost food and that it becomes a rather transformative space where food loses its innocence and becomes evil incarnate.

Tonight I was making a grilled chicken pita sandwich and getting ready to fill it with lettuce, fresh tomatoes, pepperocini peppers, kalameta olives and kosher dill pickles when I came across a big red onion that I had forgotten. I love red onions, but this fellow had been in the fridge a bit too long. I really don’t know how long because I can’t remember when I bought it.  However it had to be a very long time because I know that it takes a really, really long time for Mr Onion Man to transform himself into Mr Mold Man.  Onions are not like tomatoes or strawberries which can make rapid transformations from their natural state to spore producers known as Mr Mold Man.

Now be assured that I have found items that are designed by scientists to be mold resistant in my fridge that have stood the test of time and then some. I can say that I have never been able to get Cheez-its to mold, or Twinkies. However given adequate time and the right environment even most of these chemically engineered gastronomical delights can fall victim to the dreaded transformation into Mr Mold Man. In fact at times I have even encouraged them to do so leaving them out in order to see just how they would be transformed.

When I was in junior high school I picked up the nickname “The Mad Doctor Dundi” because of what I would do to the cafeteria food left over from all of my friends serving trays. Lets’ just say that the food at Stockton Junior High School back in the early 1970s was not very good and there were always things left on our trays.

The menu always had elements of the most important food groups: Mystery Meat, Greasy Gravy, boiled Corn or Green Beans fresh from a No. 10 can and of course desert, my favorite the ever popular “orange pudding” which I believe was simply corn starch, sugar and orange food dye blended into a delightful gelatinous goo perfect for mixing other leftovers in.

My experiments continued into college where in my junior year at California State University Northridge I lived at the private dorm called the Northridge Campus Residence. My room-mate Gary and I were the odd couple. He was rather fastidious in his upkeep of the apartment while I was a bit more of a slob than I am now. Post Iraq I don’t do as well with clutter but I cannot be called a model of neatness but then as Gary can attest to I was really really messy.

We lived on the apartment side of the residence and had a kitchenette. This meant that we could supplement the rations provided by the dorm cafeteria which was far better than junior high school but still institutional food slopped on a tray. In fact it was very similar to the cafeteria in the movie Animal House but I digress….

Anyway as I was saying we had a kitchenette. We didn’t keep a lot of food but there was a time that I bought some White Bread, I even think it might have been Wonder Bread. Back then to keep the bread out of the way I would keep it on top of the fridge. This was one of those forlorn food items that got forgotten. Several weeks after I bought it I noticed that it had a small mold colony growing on it.

I probably should have throw it away, but that would have been a crime against science. As a historian and theologian I revere science, and I needed to conduct an experiment. The experiment was twofold. First was to see what would happen to Mr Wonder Bread and secondly and perhaps the more important part of the experiment, to see how long it would take for Gary to notice or take action. So I left it there and I can’t remember just how long it took but the mild mannered loaf of highly enriched and preserved Wonder Bread began a new life as Mr Mold Man.

Day after day I would check on Mr Mold Man and watch in fascination as he transformed inside that hermetically sealed plastic bag. I think that Gary had forgotten that the bread was there so Mr Wonder Bread continued his transformation into Mr Mold Man eventually becoming a completely green gelatinous mass inside the bag. One day, I think it was a Saturday Gary was cleaning and noticed my experiment. I cannot remember what he said but I do remember the complete disgust as he lifted the evil being’s remains off of the fridge and dropped it unceremoniously in the trash receptacle.

Here’s to food and and here’s to science!

Peace

Padre Steve+

AKA “The Mad Doctor Dundi”

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January 11, 2012 · 23:51

Fill the Strategic Twinkie Reserve Now: Hostess Files for Bankruptcy

It is not enough that war, economic distress, natural disasters, Zombie Apocalypse and threaten us on every side but now true disaster threatens. Yes my dear readers Hostess has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.  While the company has announced that “normal operations” will continue the threat is real. The world could possibly find that the leading manufacturer of food designed to survive the Apocalypse may go out of business, or even worse be bought and parted out Twinkie by Twinkie by Bain Capital.

I grew up with Twinkies, they were one of the 5 major food groups of grade school for the sack lunch crowd.  I know that my lunch box always had Twinkies in it, or if not Twinkies another Hostess delicacy such as Chocolate cupcakes with creme filling, or a fruit pie.  My peanut butter and jelly sandwich was made with the softest and freshest Wonder Bread.

While my tastes have adjusted over the years there are times that my mind will wander back to the innocence of childhood and the blissful unawareness of just how bad this was for me.  But back then when we had to walk 8 miles through the mud and rain to go to school without so much as a Walkman and had to actually go outside to play without a smart phone we could burn off all the calories and were energized by the rush created by the combination of pure unadulterated sugar and God knows what else so that we wouldn’t fall asleep in class after lunch. Yes my friends those were the days.

But the world is passing Hostess and the Twinkie by and that could threaten civilization as we know it.  I mean what will we lose next? I tremble at the thought.  Will it be the Zinger? or possibly the Baby Ruth bar?

With North Korea, Pakistan already having nukes and Iran threatening to build them it is imperative that we invest in America and emergency preparedness.  The Congress should approve emergency legislation to preserve the Twinkie and stock the Strategic Twinkie Reserve before it is too late. I don’t know about you but cheap knock offs made by Little Debbie are no substitute for the Twinkie although a Krispy Kreme Chocolate Pie will give the Hostess pie a run for its money…but I digress.  Twinkie production must supported by the Defense Department and Department of Homeland Security. Every MRE should contain a Twinkie and Twinkies should be part of FEMA emergency food stocks to support Hostess like we did in the 1970s when the Federal Government bought almost everything that Chrysler Corporation produced to save the company.

Write your Congressman and tell them to save the Twinkie before it is too late. The future of the country could depend on it.

Peace

Padre Steve+

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