Jerry Garcia once made the comment that “it’s been a long strange trip.” For me the rocker’s words go through me like a good classic rock guitar riff, kind of like those in the Eagle’s “Hotel California.” My faith and life has been a strange trip. Had anyone told me back when I graduated from college that I would be serving on active duty after 27 years and a Priest to boot, I would have asked them what they were smoking. I think that God has a sense of humor. I would have never picked me for the job, if Paul was the least of the Apostle’s then I have to be one of the least of the Priests. Cool, that last one rhymed, you got to love that huh?
Anyway, I was talking to my shrink today about how my experience in Iraq has changed me and maybe how God herself has used it to get me where she wants me to be. I have spent the last 27 years of “aiming high” to “be all that I can be” in something that is “not just a job but an adventure.” God has allowed me to experience cool stuff, see a lot of things, go to more cool places than other people ever get to go and meet really cool people around the world.
I have talked about PTSD in my blog. I have it, but in some ways it is not a curse, despite its stigma. My time in Iraq and what happened there as well as my return has been as much an occasion of grace, despite the many difficulties.
Before Iraq I spent endless hours in theological as well as political debates. Since returning I find those things not quite as important as they once were. When I tried to rejoin them I discovered that I couldn’t and that the endless barrage of hatred and negativity was causing me a lot of problems, both emotionally and spiritually. As I backed off a bit see people, even those I have disagreement with to be people that God loves, except maybe when they cut me off in traffic or play for the Dodgers. Even so I’m sure that God herself even loves bad drivers and Dodgers fans, because she is much more loving and gracious that I can ever be.
I have discovered an experience of God’s love in communitywith people who have the same passions that I have. I am much less doctrinaire than I used to be. My early writings in the 1990s had a hard edge that came across as I tried to outdo others in doctrinal correctness. Since Iraq I’ve lost that edge. Actually I have been slowly losing it for years after a couple of my articles drew fire from some former bishops in my church. I was banned me from publishing, a ban since lifted and forbidden to have contact with civilian priests in the diocese which I resided. I remained faithful to my vows, endured both the bans silently while seeing those same men devastate the church and abandon it. I now really understand Hans Kung, whose books led me to the Catholic faith proclaimed at the Second Vatican Council.
Since Iraq I have been taking personal and spiritual inventory in between periods of depression, anxiety, insomnia, chronic pain, rages and occasional paranoia. Doing this I found that my relationship with and love for Judy had deepened significantly. I also discovered that the people I was closest to were those who had shared experiences of being in danger, under enemy fire and who like me had come back changed.
I discovered that sitting silently is often more valuable than having answers or trying to make up something to look like I know what I’m doing. I’ve discovered the grace of God in the Sacraments of the Eucharist and Reconciliation and the value of kind words. I’ve also discovered that I have limitations in what I can do and how far I can tpush myself. Those limitations are not bad, they too are God’s gift to me. What bothers me most now is religious or political thinking which presumes to be infallible or to know what God is saying in the absence of any clear word from God. I am now comfortable in gray areas rather than a world of absolute black and white dualism. Honestly for many years I needed that “black and white” world, so I have no condemnation for those who believe that way. I have left that world, for better or worse, in both politics and religion. In doing so I am confident of the grace and love of God. The prayer said by the Priest in the Roman Eucharistic rite at the end of the Lord’s Prayer has become a prayer of mine: “Deliver us Lord from every evil, and grant us peace in our day. In your mercy keep us free from sin and all anxiety as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior Jesus Christ.” A priest friend of mine actually adds “from every needless anxiety” to the prayer.
Yeah, I have my ups and downs. This last weekend after coming back from DC was pretty rough, but God promises to be with us with us and never leave us or forsake us. So I guess that includes me too.
The Inglorius Padre Steve's World 