Author’s Note: This post is in jest…I’m tired and feeling somewhat silly after a pretty tiring week. The views here are not meant to offend anyone, although I know that they will, maybe someone will honor me with a virtual effigy. At least I will not be nasty, just sort-of witty. I worked for a TV ministry in seminary, and as far as these types of ministries go I think that the man does some good. The job exposed me to a lot of good people. The evangelist had an outreach to many pastors who had been destroyed by their churches and I ended caring for these folks for about two and a half years. The ministry helped my seminary tuition and proved badly needed medical insurance. I did not get rich by any means, the pay was not great, but the hours and their flexibility to meet my full time school needs were incredibly gracious. I also saw how some people suck up to people in powerful ministries, learned a bit about the policies of a couple of major Christian TV networks as well as how some of the most popular TV preachers treat common people, not well. The guy I worked for was decent to regular folks, he went to the church that I went to and didn’t force himself there. However I wonder about the wisdom of proliferating TV ministries which use up vast sums of money in an incredibly expensive medium. My little hair brained view is that this money might be used by real in the flesh type missionaries, churches trying to build to meet their congregation and community ministry needs and for social ministries of all forms that care for the least, the lost and the lonely. Please know that I do not oppose TV ministries on principle, for some people, especially those too isolated or physically inable to attend their churches these are a good thing and some good programing that on occasion is actually theologically okay. So in good fun I present “The Wacky World of Televangelists Part One: The Networks.”
This for me is my version of Mr.Blackwell’s list. TV ministers are a fascinating breed. Hair styles, clothes, manner of speech, facial expressions and elaborate sets make them fun to watch. On the rare occasion I cannot find a ball game, Seinfeld, The Simpsons, MASH, House, Monk, Family Guy or a good WBC-MMA match they can be an interesting diversion from the bad news pumped out by CNN, MSNBC and FOX News. I guess that doesn’t leave much time to watch them. However, on those rare occasions that I do watch I can be strangely transfixed by what I see. This of course is an experience made more enjoyable after a few beers. It’s like getting caught in Dracula’s gaze, once there it can be hard to escape, thank God I keep a ready supply of Holy Water nearby.
Today I deal with the big networks. First is the Trinity Broadcasting Network, TBN, or as I affectionately refer to it as the Terrible Blond Network. This is the largest and most powerful of the networks. Spanning the globe TBN promotes a ministry heavily weighted to ministers of Charismatic and Pentecostal backgrounds. However it also airs programs of mainline Evangelicals, popular African American ministers, Messianic groups and odds and ends of others including Billy Graham classics. Sometimes they show some really old classic religious movies. The most remarkable thing about TBN is the set decoration, which for the flagship program can best be described as an Ecclesiastical Bordello look. It is kind of a blend of overdone Louis the XIV palace and whorehouse. Ornate gold furnishings, elaborate decor and a host wearing what appears to be a velor smoking jacket, sometimes a purple one. emblazoned with the ministry crest, which looks like European Royalty. The Dallas network branch was built to look like the White House. When I commuted to Dallas for my residency I would drive by it every day. It is not far from Texas Stadium where Cowboys fans believe that God herself resides. Those were the days of President Bill Clinton and I was tempted to get one of the Clinton cardboard life size cut out and have my my picture taken outside of it. Maybe now I should have Judy photo shop a picture of me and President Obama in front of it. Getting back to style, the hair of women guests is big and often blond, when not blond, big Make up and mascara mix with tears a la Tammy Faye as praise reports and Financial gifts are announced. The founder, Paul Crouch and his wife Jan have been on the air about 85 years I think, they were pioneers in this medium. This is an eclectic network where a diversity of different points of view co-exist, even when they are diametrically opposed to one another. Score one for tolerance. However, the appeals for monetary donations are pretty heavy especially every few months when they run the Praise-a-Thon for about two weeks. This is an over-the-top fund raising show, kind of like the NPR fund raising on major league steroids. Gifts for donations can be really fun, like a picture of Jesus returning that looked like it was out of a Sci-Fi magazine, fire coming from his eyes like something in a horror movie. It could have been a little to literal for me, if I had my choice I would be like Ricky Bobby and deal with Baby Jesus. Back in my day in the TV ministry our programs had to be edited during the Praise-a-Thon for TBN so our appeals would not detract from their efforts.
Other major networks include the Christian Broadcasting Network, CBN founded by Pat Robertson, Baptist minister with Charismatic leanings and former Presidential candidate. Pat’s sets are very tasteful in comparison to those of TBN. They are like a living room and a lot less pretentious. It seems that he and his co-hosts on the 700 Club try to appeal to people like regular people. The network is associated with Regent University which though very conservative are a pretty well ranked and regionally accredited school. It has an undergrad school as well as Schools of Theology, Law and Communications. CBN is connected with our sponsors conservative political, social and humanitarian outreaches such as Operation Blessing which provides humarian aid around the world. It’s monetary appeals tend to be more suave than TBN. The most remarkable thing about the program are Pat’s facial expression when he prays and his yearly predictions from God. This year’s prediction warmed the hearts of Democrats and chaffed Republicans, he said that God said that President Obama’s policies would help a turn economy around in the second half of the year. Unlike other guys Pat wasn’t prophesying the end of the world as we know it or that the Cubs would win the Worlds Series. As all baseball fans know this would bring about Jesus’ return. This of course is Padre Steve’s eschatology and patently breathed by the lips of the Deity Herself.
Another network which is both more Charismatic and Pentecostal is the Inspiration Network or INSP. It was founded by Pentecostal evangelist Morris Cerello and continued by his son. This network in style tends to be a bit less high-falutin than TBN and often includes visits to local church venues. The preaching and music on this network seek to overcome obstacle of quality with noise and light. I wish sometimes that there was no verse about making a joyful noise in the Bible. These people take that command far to literally. The appeal for money is always there and pretty in your face. The Cerello’s are like from New York or Jersey or something and they kind of look like Bible Thumping Mafia hit men, not that there’s anything wrong with that.
In my effort to be inclusive and ecumenical I do have to mention the Roman Catholic entry to the field, the Eternal Word Television Network, or EWTN. I haven’t came up for a cute name for this network yet but give me time. The network was founded by Mother Angelica, a nun and based out of Alabama. I understand that her ministry complex in some respects resembles Vatican City with BBQ and Wings on the side. I hear that it is a pilgrimage site for Traditionalists. Although they are in Alabama there are no NASCAR ads on EWTN, too bad, they really should combine the two. I think it would be way cool to have the Nuns sponsor a NASCAR race car maybe in conjunction with Hooters, you can’t get any more traditional than that. This network is a lot more subdued than its Charismatic and Evangelical kin. This is so because the theological leanings are to the right of Pope Pius X, the Patron of the Society of Saint Pius X, an ultra conservative group that broke from Rome and whoese excommunicated Bishops were rehabilitated by Pope Benedict XVI this year. They are traditionalist to the hilt. They are exceptionally evangelical in regard to their programing. There are programs on Catholic theology, spirituality and apologetics. Guests are often conservative Catholic academics, so you can actually learn something from these guys. EWTN hosts the Coming Home Network which is designed to convince Protestants to come to Rome. While I am a proponent of the Catholic Faith, this is in some respects akin to sheep-stealing, especially in their appeal to search Protestant, especially Evangelical Protestant pastors. These men are often enticed with the possibility of becoming Roman Catholic Priests; a lofty goal that few ever attain. Most leave their Protestant ministries and never it make it through the Catholic formation process. They end up as laymen, sometimes doing work in the church, but often left with nothing in comparison to the ordained ministries that they left. The few that do make it are not permitted to be parish pastors by Canon Law and remain in education or some other supporting ministry, sometimes as an associate pastor. There is one who became a Priest and serves as an Army Chaplain. He is an outstanding priest and excellent chaplain and a poster boy for this group. However he is the exception. Back to the Network. The decor is a throwback to more traditional times, Mother Angelica and her nuns wear an old fashioned full habit and daily Mass is shown. The appeals for money are similar to other networks but obviously must be vetted through the local diocesan bishop.
That’s it for the Networks. Part Two will include some funy observations, mostly of style and presentation of various popular TV evangelists.
In all good humor, Peace Steve+
The Inglorius Padre Steve's World 