“Actually, Lucy, my trouble is Christmas. I just don’t understand it. Instead of feeling happy, I feel sort of let down.” Charlie Brown in “A Charlie Brown Christmas”
When Christmas comes and you struggle with faith, see little hope and even despair of life, even the thought of Christmas coming can make the season even more difficult. I know, I have gone through this since my return from Iraq. Christmas 2008 was so frightful due to PTSD symptoms, insomnia, anxiety, depression and a crisis in faith that I could see little to hope in. It was so difficult that before Mass began at the Abbess’s parish that I couldn’t stay. I walked home in the cold and dark, not directly home but the long way looking up at the heavens and wondering if God was even there. For the first time in my life I could really relate to Charlie Brown. That as I have mentioned before was actually a terrifying thought. Even in the darkest of times in seminary I never lost hope and always felt something special at Christmas. In Iraq in 2007 I felt an incredible closeness to God as I traveled about to my advisers along the Iraqi-Syrian border having the chance to celebrate Christmas Eve and Christmas Eucharist and spend time with our guys and distributing toys, school supplies and cold weather clothing to Bedouin families who invited us in for Ch’ai tea and food. But in 2008 faith was dry and hope, well hope was something that I prayed for as I walked home that Christmas Eve.
This year has been one of ups and downs but I have noticed that I have been feeling better the past few weeks. Yes I still have problems sleeping but I am actually trying to get to bed earlier but I still have my struggles with faith and God but unlike last year I am looking forward to the celebration of Christ’s Incarnation. The message of “Emmanuel, God with Us” is something that I find resonating again. Maybe it was in that moment a couple of weeks back where I was on call and ended up having the blessing of doing an anointing, or “last rites” of a retired Navy doctor who had done his internship at my hospital and having the experience of having him breathe his last as I completed the rites. There was something miraculous about that man, his life and faith that allowed the Deity Herself to somehow let me be on call and respond with exactly what he desired in his final moments on this earth. Maybe it was running into a lady who had spent two months in our ICU earlier in the year. At numerous times her condition was so critical that it appeared that she would die. However she spotted me is I was filling my cup of water and ice in the hospital food court and pulled me aside. She was doing great and thanked me for being there for her. Then there were other times where I was able to get outside of my problems and be part of other people’s lives, many times those who are critically ill like Sadie Harrell who on her death bed took the time to bless those around her, give directions to her family and before asking for more pain medications telling me that it was time to pray. I could give the accounts of numerous people, staff and patients at our hospital as well as people at church, friends that I have known for years and people that I have gotten to know through this website and Facebook as well as my friends at the Church of Baseball, Harbor Park Parish and Gordon Biersch.
Some of those have been through responses of people to what I write on this website. A few days ago I heard from the son of my ROTC training NCO Master Sergeant Harry Zilkan who passed away a few years back. I talked about Sergeant “Z” in my post “Remembering the Veterans in my Life.” I was honored to hear from him and hear how much he appreciated what I said about his dad. When I started this site back in February I saw it as an outlet for me, and that it has been, at the same time I find that there are people very much like me who have walked in similar shoes who have been blessed by what I write. This is actually quite humbling.
Like I said this year has been different. I still have a hard time with prayer though extemporaneous prayer on the behalf of others is becoming relatively normal again even if I still have not been able to resume my regular prayers of the Daily Office which died during Lent because they had become rote and were more of a duty than a part of life. I had never expected that, but I think I will use the Nativity to begin again.
This has been a year of transition as I have struggled with a crisis of faith, the seeming absence of God, PTSD, anger, depression and anxiety the condition of my father with his Alzheimer’s disease and problems dealing with my mother. Likewise, I find that the feeling of being vulnerable, weak and the pain of having to deal with all of those emotions for the first time that I can remember is not where I want to be, but does give me empathy for those who have lived with these feelings for years. In a sense I have began to be part of that community. At the same time despite all of this that faith is returning and I can sense hope again. Even the Scriptures for the season and the songs and carols are touching me again. The sense of tradition in the liturgy at church has been good for me since beginning to attend Saint James Episcopal Church in Portsmouth. I am finally beginning to hope again.
For me this comes in “the fullness of time” at least my time. The scripture from Galatians comes to mind. This is part of the Sunday liturgy for the Sunday after Christmas this year:
4But when the fullness of time had come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, 5in order to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as children. 6And because you are children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our* hearts, crying, ‘Abba!* Father!’ 7So you are no longer a slave but a child, and if a child then also an heir, through God.* Galatians 4:4-7 NRSV
I once again feel the message of deliverance spoken of by the prophet Zephaniah:
Sing aloud, O daughter Zion;
shout, O Israel!
Rejoice and exult with all your heart,
O daughter Jerusalem!
15The Lord has taken away the judgments against you,
he has turned away your enemies.
The king of Israel, the Lord, is in your midst;
you shall fear disaster no more. Zephaniah 3:14-15
Tonight I will be at Saint James even as the Abbess sings at the 5 PM Mass at her parish. I am looking forward to the Mass tonight.
I do pray that whatever you are doing tonight and regardless of whether you are a Christian or not that you will know joy, peace and the presence of God this season. I think of the Jewish physicians at the Medical Center who are covering today and tomorrow to allow their Christian colleagues to attend services and be with their families. God bless you guys, you’re the best!
As I said yesterday, Merry Christmas or whatever you do.
Peace and blessings,
Padre Steve+
The Inglorius Padre Steve's World 