Category Archives: marriage and relationships

June 24, 2013 · 23:38

30 Years of Marriage: Marriage the Definitive Icebreaker in an Ever Changing World

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A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

Luke Skywalker has returned to his home planet of Tatooine in an attempt to rescue his friend Han Solo from the clutches of the vile gangster Jabba the Hutt. Little does Luke know that the GALACTIC EMPIRE has begun construction on a new armored space station even more powerful than the first dreaded Death Star. When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of rebels struggling to restore freedom to the galaxy…

Cut! Wrong galaxy…

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The year was 1983 and a newly commissioned Army Second Lieutenant was marrying the love of his life in an old Presbyterian Church in Stockton California. The wedding was done on a shoestring but was quite nice, you would never have known that on that warm but not too hot day in Stockton California, only 89 degrees at game time with almost no humidity. Since the groom’s 1975 Chevy Monza didn’t have air conditioning that was a good thing.

Other things were going on in the world that day and that year.

Yasir Arafat was expelled from Syria after his accusations that President Hafez al-Assad was behind the anti-Arafat rebellion among Palestine Liberation Organization troops in Lebanon.

Prince Charles and Princess Diana had just had their first son, William.

Evita closed on Broadway after 1568 performances.

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Flashdance…What A Feeling by Irene Cara was the Billboard top single.

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Michael Jackson’s Thriller music video became the biggest video hit of all time and he would die on our 26th wedding anniversary in 2009.

In sports an Indian team led by the legendary Kapil Dev overcame the mighty, two-time champion West Indies at Lord’s to win the Prudential World Cup.

The Orioles lost to the Tigers 9-3, the Giants lost to the Padres 3-2 and the A’s lost to the Rangers 8-3. The O’s would go on to win the World Series.

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Superman III was the top box office draw but would be de-throned by Star Wars VI, Return of the Jedi on the 26th. The top ten box office hits for 1983 were: Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, Terms of Endearment, Flashdance, Trading Places, WarGames, Octopussy, Sudden Impact, Staying Alive, Mr. Mom and Risky Business.

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M*A*S*H had ended its epic run as one of the favorite television shows in the United States.

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The Car and Driver Magazine Top Ten Best list included the 1983 Pontiac 6000STE, 1983 Porsche 944, 1983 Toyota Celica Supra, 1983 Volkswagen Rabbit GTI, 1983 AMC/Renault Alliance, 1983 Chevrolet Caprice Classic, 1983 Ford Mustang GT 5.0, 1983 Honda Accord, 1983 Mazda RX-7 and the 1983 Mercedes-Benz 380SEL. Pontiac and AMC are no more and we now own a 2013 Mustang.

Ronald Reagan was President and Yuri Andropov the Soviet Premier as the Cold War began to reach its crescendo even as both countries were enmeshed in wars or attempts to subvert each other’s allies, the US in Nicaragua and the Soviets in Afghanistan even as Reagan proposed the Strategic Defense Initiative or Star Wars program.

The Polish Pope, John Paul II was making waves in Poland as the Solidarity movement continued to confound local Communist authorities and the Soviet Union, helping to set the stage for the eventual collapse of the Soviet Union and the Warsaw Pact.

Nelson Mandela was imprisoned in then a repressive and racist apartheid South Africa.

Iran and Iraq were locked in a bloody struggle, Israel had invaded Lebanon and become  involved in a quagmire and Saddam Hussein was considered to be our friend. Osama Bin Laden was supported by the United States in Afghanistan.

The Space Shuttle Challenger returned to earth after a historic mission with Sally Ride the first woman to go into space.

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It is hard to believe that all of that was going on. In fact since there was no internet yet and even cable news was still in its infancy most of us lived in a world that was not so complicated. In light of the current concerns regarding privacy which make Orwell’s 1984 seem all too real, that novel was merely interesting.

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Who would have thought then that the world would be where we are today. Likewise who would believe that Judy and I are still married after all these years? Sure I think that most people enter into marriage with the intent of it lasting the rest of their lives but tragically so many don’t. In light of all the failed marriages out there I almost wonder if 30 is the new 50 as far as anniversaries are concerned. I guess that we are rather fortunate. We have done the whole sickness and in health, for richer or poorer deal a number of times already, seen our shares of joys and heartaches and since I have been in some type of military service our whole marriage endured many separations.  So far we still love each other.

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One of my favorite movies about marriage is the classic Four Weddings and a Funeral. There is a great sequence in the film which sometimes I wonder might just be true:

Gareth: I’ve got a new theory about marriage. Two people are in love, they live together, and then suddenly one day, they run out of conversation.

Charles: Uh-huh.

Gareth: Totally. I mean they can’t think of a single thing to say to each other. That’s it: panic! Then suddenly it-it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the deadlock.

Charles: Which is?

Gareth: He’ll ask her to marry him.

Charles: Brilliant! Brilliant!

Gareth: Suddenly they’ve got something to talk about for the rest of their lives.

Charles: Basically you’re saying marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation.

Gareth: The definitive icebreaker.

Peace

Padre Steve+

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February 7, 2013 · 23:59

A Long Strange Trip Home from Iraq: A Five Year Trek to Healing

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“Sometimes the lights all shinin’ on me;
Other times I can barely see.
Lately it occurs to me what a long, strange trip its been.” 

The Grateful Dead “Truckin’” 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pafY6sZt0FE

Just over 5 years ago I returned from Iraq a changed man. But the change was not complete, it was the fact that the man that I was before Iraq was shattered. I returned vainly hoping to return to what used to be “normal.” But that was not possible. I returned to a place where I felt that I felt abandoned at at times betrayed. I thought that I would be able to get through what I was feeling by working harder, praying more and pushing myself beyond my limits. Within months of my return I was in a state of emotional, spiritual and physical collapse.

Insomnia, nightmares, hyper-vigilance, acute sensory sensitivity to sight, smell and sounds that reminded me of Iraq, rage, depression, emotional distance from those that I loved. I drank more than I should have and self medicated because of chronic pain. Driving became an adventure, my hyper-vigilance made me drive like a Jedi Knight, the “force” was with me. Slow traffic, objects that resembled items that might hide IEDs alongside the road and aggressive or threatening drivers caused outright panic and anxiety.  This led to some unsafe driving practices on my part and thankfully a lawyer got my speeding tickets on US 17 in North Carolina reduced to mechanical violations.

I had deep anger at the politicians and leaders that took us to war and the media that lied about it. I had a spiritual crisis that left me for all intents and purposes an agnostic praying that God still existed. There were few clergy that I even trusted at all because most didn’t seem to either care or understand what I was going through. The only thing that kept me going was a hope that things might get better and only my sense of call as a Priest and Chaplain allowed me to continue in spite of my crisis. During that early period of 2009 I began this site and the article God in the Empty Places…Padre Steve Remembers the Beginnings of Padre Steve’s World helps recount those early days.

At first when things began I could not label what I was going through. But by the middle of June I was falling apart and during a seminar that I was coordinating involving the author of On Killing and On Combat, Lieutenant Colonel Dave Grossman I was in such bad shape that the Medical Officer of EOD Group Two asked me “Are you okay Chaplain?” I told him “no” and after he was sure that I was not a danger to myself he set up an appointment for the next morning. Following his evaluation and subsequent evaluations at Naval Medical Center Portsmouth Virginia I was diagnosed with chronic and severe PTSD, anxiety and depression.

The road back has been long and often difficult. I mentioned that I was going through a spiritual crisis that left me for all intents and purposes an agnostic. It took nearly two years but in the act of conducting what are often called the “Last Rites” for a retired Navy doctor faith returned. It was what I call my “Christmas Miracle” though it actually occurred during Advent (see:  Padre Steve’s Christmas Miracle )

After that things still were difficult. Faith had returned but it was different, less doctrinaire and more accepting of others different than me. I still struggled with depression, anxiety and insomnia. I struggled in my marriage and it seemed that the only place that I could find peace was at a baseball park. The management of the local AAA International League team, the Norfolk Tides allowed me to come and visit the stadium and walk the concourses and be at the field during the off season as well.

In June 2010 I found out that I had been selected for promotion to Commander, the next day my father died and a week later I found that I was being transferred to my current assignment. Just before my transfer I was told by a former Archbishop of my old church that I was “too liberal” and needed to find a new church home. I did with some help and it has been for the better, I still have many friends in that church including other leaders in it and the former Archbishop himself was removed for attempting to remove the military chaplains from that church to another. Change continued as did my struggles but some things were getting better. In spite of my own struggles I was determined to make sure that others like me were cared for and the new assignment at Camp LeJeune gave me plenty of opportunity.

I wrote an article on this site entitled Raw Edges: Are there other Chaplains out there Like Me? That article led to me being contacted by a reporter from our local newspaper, the Jacksonville Daily News they published an article about my struggle and recover in April 2011. Shortly thereafter I was contacted by the DOD Real Warriors Campaign who did a feature on me. That site did a feature on me http://www.realwarriors.net/multimedia/profiles/dundas.php that helped others connect to me and be able in some cases to tell their stories, or those of family members sometimes for the first time.

I was getting better but still struggling, especially with sleep and nightmares. Due to her medical issues my wife remained in Virginia when I went to LeJeune. Last December my dog Molly decided that she was going to stay with me and that was a big help. Her cheerful unflappable personality helped me begin to engage life again. Instead of going home to an empty apartment I was greeted by a dog that welcomed me cheerfully and made me get out of my shell. We ended up a couple of months later getting a new puppy for Judy, a puppy who has added a new dimension to all of our lives.

Finally last year I began some more therapy that was extremely helpful and about a month ago I stopped doing sleeping pills that did not help me sleep and left me feeling almost hung-over every morning, making it hard to function and even to get out of bed. Over the course of nearly 5 years I had been on a number of different medications and all had the same effect, even those designed to not leave the patient that way. My therapist suggested trying Melatonin on duty nights when I needed to be able to drive to work if there was an emergency at the hospital. I noticed a difference. My sleep was no worse and when I got up in the morning I actually felt somewhat rested.

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For the first time since I returned from Iraq I feel that I am functioning like a normal human being. Hope has returned and people that know me can tell the difference. Judy says that I am the man that she fell in love with again. In ministry I have found that what I went through assists me in caring for those going through great difficulties, any do to PTSD, TBI or Combat Stress, but others that are struggling with their place in life in the military institution, particularly caregivers including chaplains and medical personnel. At work I have more energy and connection to people than in years and I have developed more relationships with people on the island as well.

Do I still have days that I struggle? Yes. Is my sleep perfect? No. Do I still have nightmares and strange dreams? Yes. All that being said I know that for the first time in years I approach the Lenten Season feeling good, not just hoping things get better.

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It has been as Jerry Garcia and the Grateful Dead once sang “a long strange trip” but it continues to get better. If you know someone struggling from the effects of PTSD or other combat trauma there are a lot of resources, sometimes they are hard to find and in some places due to the numbers of personnel suffering they are in short supply, but they are still can be found. My encouragement to others is not to give up, not to lose hope and to keep seeking help. It took me five years to get back to what is my “new normal.” I can’t go back to what I used to be and I don’t want to, my definition of what is “normal” has changed and that is okay.

My views on life, faith, politics, ministry and social issues have changed over the years, I think for the better. Some might disagree, but that is okay, I have been called a lot of things by people that do not understand over the past few years, but I would rather have that than be where I was before Iraq. Iraq changed me in ways I did not expect. When I left for Iraq in 2007 I thought that I was immune to PTSD because of my experience in dealing with trauma and death both in the military and the civilian world. I was wrong, but despite what I have gone through I am glad for the experience.

There is still one constant in my life, besides my wife Judy who has suffered much during my ordeal, and that is baseball. I can only echo the words of James Earl Jones in Field of Dreams “The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It’s been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and what could be again.”

Peace

Padre Steve+

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January 31, 2013 · 00:37

Well Golly! Gomer Pyle Gets Married and A-Rod Gets Outed Again

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Surprise, surprise, surprise! 

What a day. America’s favorite funny fictional Marine Gomer Pyle, officially came out of the closet and married his battle buddy of the past 38 years. The marriage occurred in the newly gay state of Washington. The marriage came just five years after he received an honorary promotion to the rank of Corporal from Marine Lieutenant General John F Goodman and about a year and a half after the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell rule was ended.

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Now, Pyle’s decision to marry doesn’t offend me at all because it has nothing to do with baseball and something happened today in baseball that did offend me. Alex Rodriguez, sometimes in better days known as “A-Rod” and after his initial admission of using Performance Enhancing Drugs, or PEDs as “A-Roid” and by his HGH and other PED dealer Anthony Bosch as “Cacique” appears to have have been outed by the Miami New Times. The evidence appears damning.

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No A-Rod wasn’t outed as a homosexual, but rather for using PEDs after he told God and everybody that he wasn’t the old “young and dumb” A-Roid of 2001-2003 but the older smarter and cleaner A-Rod. He told Jeff Passan in response to Passan’s question “have you used performance enhancing drugs since 2003?” “I have not. I would not.”

But the allegations and suspicions dragged on as Rodriguez battled injuries and saw his on field performance plummet. Today’s bombshell tore apart the web of lies that he surrounded himself with during the interregnum of 2003 and today. It was a period that he signed a monster 10 year 275 million dollar deal with the Yankees. Now, mid-way through that contract, with A-Rod still due 114 dollars the Yankees, are scrambling to figure out a way to unload him and his contract.

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I don’t feel sorry for them. They made the deal with Rodriguez knowing of past allegations and had to deal with the fallout when he admitted using them in 2009. The Yankee method of getting greedy to obtain the best ballplayers that they could afford blew up in their faces. Now they have to deal with it, which since I am an Orioles fan I say, good on them.

I hope that Jim Nabors does well. He has always been a decent and caring person who I have admired. Heck I remember hearing allegations that he was gay back in the 1970s and it was like so what.

A-Rod on the other hand was probably one of the most talented players of his generation. He was a high school phenom that the scouts could not say enough about. He could hit for power and average, he was graceful in the infield and was fast. A few years ago when he reached the 600 home run plateau people were predicting that he would break the all-time home run record set by fellow accused PED user Barry Bonds. But for whatever reason that was not enough. He had to jump into the boat of scandal and cheating a second time, knowing that baseball, after years of turning a blind eye to it was scrutinizing everyone and that the media was watching. And to compound his problems he went to a man already known for dispensing PEDs for his fix. That wasn’t smart. Even less smart was issuing a statement denying it again because no one believes him anyway.

I don’t know why he had to go back to the well again after telling everyone that he was clean. Perhaps is was the desperation that he felt from his decreasing performance and injuries compounded by the hubris that he would not be caught, then… Shazam!

What more can be said?

Peace

Padre Steve+

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August 14, 2012 · 23:01

A Fish Called Wanda, Padre Steve and the Five Love Languages

A while back a conservative Christian author published named Gary Demonte Chapman authored a book on marriage and relationships called The Five Love Languages. The book has nearly a cult following in Evangelical Christian circles and is used by many pastors, lay leaders and teachers to help couples develop a sense of intimacy. I think this is commendable but for the life of me I cannot get past the title of the book to read it. Thus apart from internet reviews on Amazon.com I have no earthly idea what languages that Chapman is speaking. Personally I can speak, read and write German and some French and I can say that German class and German Club helped bring Judy and I together at San Joaquin Delta College, I cannot figure out how it would figure in my love life.

The book came out in October 1992 shortly after I graduated from seminary. Many of my friends recommended it as I said I couldn’t get past the title. The book was published four years after I saw the movie A Fish Called Wanda starring Jamie Lee Curtis, John Clease, Michael Palin and Kevin Kline which forever has colored my twisted view on language and love.

When I was in Iraq traveling about the country I had an office space at Taqaddum Air Base Chapel where I coordinated my team’s travels about Al Anbar Province.  Since I was not there most of the time I shared the office with a Chaplain who covered some of the Marine units on the base. He was a Southern Baptist and also did a lot of Bible studies and marriage classes. To do the marriage classes he ordered cases of the Five Love Languages as well as workbooks and videos. A came back from a mission and they filled half of the office. While the chaplain was good and had a good number of takers for his classes I am sure that when we left the base during the withdraw from Iraq that many copies were left behind. I can only image an Iraqi Airman seeing the title and knowing little English think that it was a book on foreign languages.

When I saw the books I could not help but think of the movie. I tried to keep it to myself but shared my humorous insights with others that I knew would understand. Eventually I confessed my twisted musings with the Baptist Chaplain who thankfully appreciated the humor.

In the movie which I do not want to spoil for those that have not seen it, language plays an important part. But because it plays such an important part in this story I have to give away a spoiler. Jamie Lee Curtis, who I have always thought was totally hot plays Wanda Gershwitz . She is the American girlfriend of a character named Friedrich Nietzsche Otto played by Kevin Kline. The two double cross their British partner in crime after robbing a diamond merchant in London with Curtis co-opting British barrister Archie Leach played by John Cleese who is defending the partner that they double crossed. But I digress and don’t want to spoil the whole thing.

However I do have to share the one point that ensured that I could never ever pick up a copy of The Five Languages without laughing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4bqn8zoLpvU&feature=related

Anyway Curtiss’ character has an interesting quirk. She gets excited when the men that she makes love to speak foreign languages as they make love to her. Kline’s character Otto was somewhat an idiot and would speak incoherent Italian gibberish as he makes love to her like “Per cominciare, due insalate verdi con peperoni e un linguini primavera.” However she was really taken by Cleese who when she asks him if he speaks Italian says “I am Italian! Sono italiano in spirito. Ma ho sposato una donna che preferisce lavorare in giardino a fare l’amore appassionato. Uno sbaglio grande! But it’s such an ugly language. How about… Russian?”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyKy2JzREiE

The rest is history.

Peace

Padre Steve+

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August 3, 2012 · 13:28

The Chicken Jihad: Chick-Fil-A and the Culture War

“We are famous for what we oppose, rather than who we are for.” David Kinnamon President Barna Polling

I seldom eat at Chick-Fil-A. Just never have been a fan.Not because of anything in particular, it’s just that I don’t eat much fast food to begin with. The fact that Chick-Fil-A isn’t open on Sundays means that they have one less day a week to get my business and that they don’t serve beer puts them low on Padre Steve’s food chain regardless of their religious or political leanings.  I do get a kick out of the Chick-Fil-A cows but that doesn’t get me in the door or drive thru. t have close friends on both sides of the culture war and try to be respectful of their opinions even if I don’t fully agree or disagree with them. However there are times when I think that culture warriors do more damage to their causes than necessary. But as a Christian I have to agree with Mark Twain who said: “If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be – a christian.”

I am generally apolitical when it comes to my appetite. I like what I like, I appreciate good food and good service and I try not to ask the politics of the restaurants that I frequent.  I am not a food crusader, nor am I a fan of the huger fast food chains that dominate our landscape regardless of their political or social leanings. To some on the extreme right and extreme left that would mean that I am somehow immoral. But I like what the Lord said to Peter when Cornelius the Centurion offered him a really good meat, cheese and pasta dish that was not Kosher. “He Pete, dude, don’t be uncool, it’s not freaky, if I made it’s good to eat brother, eat up.” (Acts 10:15 Rick James Version)

Now I can understand why my gay friends are upset with the remarks of Dan Cathy the Owner, President and Dictator of the Chick-Fil-A enterprise.  While I think that he has a right to his opinion, his religions beliefs and who he gives his political contributions his comments said as they were make him and those who rally around him look like intolerant boobs.  However, having a kiss in and public boycott as has been promised for today by LGBT groups just throws gasoline on the fire of intolerance. My advice, is to ignore him and don’t patronize his restaurant unless you actually like the food, service and the people at the local store that you know as people.  My goodness there are gays that work at Chick-Fil-A and they are the ones caught in the middle between Talibanesque religious leaders and LGBT activists.  They make their livings there.  I want to put the human face on this and and I think that they are the real victims of this jihad.

All that being said I think that American Christians, Evangelicals and Conservative Roman Catholics for the most part are making themselves look like idiots every time they decide to boycott a business every time that they disagree with that corporation.  Christian groups and ministries have been doing this for decades now. The fact that their opposites on the political left are now doing it to their favorite organizations and businesses is a bad Karma.

A recent Barna poll revealed what the new generation thinks of Christianity and the Christians does not paint a pretty picture: When asked to describe Christianity and Christians the findings said that Christians were viewed as “Hypocritical: Christians live lives that don’t match their stated beliefs;  Antihomosexual: Christians show contempt for gays and lesbians – “hating the sin and the sinner” as one respondent put it; Insincere: Christians are concerned only with collecting converts; Sheltered: Christians are anti-intellectual, boring, and out of touch with reality. Too political: Christians are primarily motivated by a right-wing political agenda.” 

I am a historian and have done a lot of study of Church history. The funny thing is that when Christians and the Church get to this point in any society it generally means that their institutional structures and beliefs are less about Jesus and the Gospel and more about maintaining their political, social and economic power and prominence.

But I am not surprised that we have reached this point. It shows that church leaders are decidedly ignorant when it comes to church history. I remember back in my seminary days how my fellow students did as much as the could to take the minimum amount of church history, systematic theology or philosophy. You see those things were not important and I would dare say are less important to church leaders than at any time in recent memory.

It has been said that those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. The cultural jihad will only serve to drive people away from God and the Church and instead of reaching the culture for Jesus, they are doing exactly the opposite. It will result in hastening the decline in influence of Christians in society and continue to drive people away from Jesus.

The Chicken Jihad has become another ring in the cultural circus.

Eat hardy and stay thirsty. I’m going to get a burger and a beer and then go to a ball game tonight.  I just say to my friends and readers on both sides of this issue: Don’t have a cow.

Peace

Padre Steve+

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February 14, 2012 · 23:58

I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues: Valentine’s Day Away from Those that We Love

Judy’s Hearts

I have lost count of the number of Valentine’s days as well as other special occasions that I have been away from my love over the course of my military career. This is not uncommon for any of us that serve away from our loved ones, I know plenty of folks alone or with other friends this Valentine’s Day when their loved ones are away.

Before the military…1981

This year I am again away but at least the gift I ordered for Judy got there on time. She made the best of the night spending the past few weeks making some dark chocolate candy filled hearts for a lot of people. She made I think she said about 85 including a dozen or so that she had me give to people down here. She gave them away today and it is amazing . It is amazing how many people don’t feel loved on a day set aside for love.  I was reading my current favorite comic strip Over the Hedge by Michael Fry and as usual Vern the Turtle was being tormented by RJ the Raccoon when he found out that he is loved just a little bit.

See all of Michael’s Over the Hedge adventures here http://www.gocomics.com/overthehedge/ or his blog at http://overthehedgeblog.wordpress.com/

It reminded me that there are a lot of people that Valentine’s day only makes feel more isolated and uncared for and I love the way that Judy can make someone’s day by making something nice for them.

Back when we were married in June 1983 and I was reporting to active duty as a young Army officer elton John released the song I Guess that’s Why they call it the Blues. The music video had the setting of a young man going off to join the British Royal Army and missing his girl.  I was at Fort Knox Kentucky at a school on my way to Germany when I saw the video for the first time.  It struck a chord then and still does over 28 years later.

So for all those that are away from the one they love tonight I present Elton John singing I Guess that’s why They call it the Blues. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6KYAVn8ons

Don’t wish it away

Don’t look at it like it’s forever

Between you and me I could honestly say

That things can only get better

And while I’m away 

Dust out the demons inside

And it won’t be long before you and me run

To the place in our hearts where we hide

And I guess that’s why they call it the blues

Time on my hands could be time spent with you

Laughing like children, living like lovers

Rolling like thunder under the covers

And I guess that’s why they call it the blues

Just stare into space

Picture my face in your hands

Live for each second without hesitation

And never forget I’m your man

Wait on me girl

Cry in the night if it helps

But more than ever I simply love you

More than I love life itself

Peace

Padre Steve+

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June 18, 2011 · 14:05

The Banal Immorality of Targeted Advertising on Father’s Day

I am approaching the first anniversary of my Dad’s death and missing him.  Dad was really good to me and gave me a lot of what I needed to succeed in life. He died of complications of Alzheimer’s disease on June 22nd of 2010.

The past couple of weeks I have been getting a bombardment of e-mail offers from various merchants asking me to think of them when purchasing a gift for dad this year.  In the past they were just junk mail as I knew what I would get dad, usually a polo shirt or baseball hat, both of which I knew that he would wear around town or when he was still capable of doing so when he went golfing. This year they serve to remind me that dad is dead.  It makes me see just how crass that mass marketing of retailers has become and the banal immorality and lack of respect that they have for people as they seek to sell their wares.  I know that these businesses don’t know that my dad is dead but when I get offers from every type of retailer known to humanity to shop with them for him it just bothers me.  It just seems that they are using my dad to try to get my money and that bothers me and maybe it should bother all of us. Just think retailers of all types prey upon us using the lives or the memories of our loved ones without any real personal connection to us. We are simply a target audience for them to sell their wares, it is called targeted advertising and while it is common now throughout the world it just seems to me that it is a type of not so subtle psychological manipulation, but I digress…

This year Father’s Day will be celebrated in June 19th which holds a special meaning to me. It was on that day that I was commissioned as a Second Lieutenant in the United States Army and my dad and soon to be wife Judy pinned on my “gold bars” after I had sworn the oath to “Support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies foreign and domestic.” They had driven 350 miles that morning to be there since I was in transition and didn’t have a place of my own.

My dad was proud of me but wondered why the Army. He was a retired Navy Chief Petty Officer and Navy through and through. He had hoped though that I would take a path to civilian life and my mom hoped that I would come back home to teach history in a local high school. However that would not be the case because I had longed to serve in the military since I was a young boy knowing that I didn’t have the talent to be a professional baseball player.  I loved the travel, adventure and military lifestyle and hated having to settle down after dad retired. This was not a problem for my mom and brother but I have always had the military wanderlust deep in my soul.

When I transferred to the Navy in 1999 it was one of the happiest moments of my dad’s life. When I was promoted to Lieutenant Commander in 2006 he was elated although his struggle with Alzheimer’s was becoming apparent to all of us.  He died the day after my selection for promotion to Commander was announced without knowing about it.  We buried him a few days later with full military honors.

He was sweet to Judy, especially as he became worse off because she took the time to include him in what she was doing, showing him things on the computer and talking with him. He would always tell her that he loved her and if talking to me, even late in life before his ability to communicate was completely gone would tell me to tell Judy that “I love her.”

Dad gave me many gifts especially the love of baseball, interest in world affairs and love of the military, though I don’t think that the last was his intention, though he accepted it at first and then embraced it as time went on. He and my brother became very close as Jeff stayed in our home town becoming a teacher and later school administrator. He doted on his grandchildren and I think that they helped keep him engaged during his battle with Alzheimer’s.

This is a rather melancholy weekend for me as I remember and reflect on my dad. I miss him but know that he is in a better place.

To those that have recently dealt with the loss of your dad I hope that your remembrance of Father’s Day is special. I know that not all dads are good dads and that some inflict terrible things on their children that scar them for life.  For the victims of such abuse Father’s Day is painful and brings back memories that they don’t want to relive and I imagine that the barrage of advertisements must bring back terrible memories to the victims of abuse.  The advertisements just serve to remind me that the dad who loved and raised me is dead, but for the victims of abuse they must only add to their pain. Maybe that is the banal immorality that I see in targeted marketing.

Anyway, I do pray that we all somehow have a happy Father’s Day.

Peace

Padre Steve+

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February 14, 2011 · 19:02

I Guess that’s Why they call it the Blues: Padre Steve’s Critique of Valentine’s Day

The Original Elton John Music Video of “I Guess that’s Why they Call it the Blues”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6KYAVn8ons

Valentine’s Day can be a difficult holiday for those that are alone. After all, Valentine’s Day is marketed as a day to celebrate romance, love and togetherness. However there are a lot of people alone, in my case it is my chosen vocation of the military that has necessitated numerous absences from my longsuffering wife over the past 29 plus years. I have lost track of just how many Valentine’s Day times with Judy that I have missed over the years and I know plenty of other military men and women that can all testify to this and say “Amen.” In fact I remember seeing the video of Elton John’s hit I Guess that’s Why they Call it the Blues on my first “Post marriage” military separation from Judy immediately after we were married in 1983. The song has always had a fond place in my otherwise crusty heart and reminds me that even I have a little romantic sentiment.

However as much as the military is part of my life it is a very small percentage of the population of the United States. That being said there are a lot of other lonely people on Valentine’s Day. There are a lot of single people, divorced people and others who for a myriad of reasons are alone this Valentine’s Day and for some the loneliness is almost unbearable.  For them it is a painful day that reminds them of just how alone they are or that they feel they are.

Let’s face it. The way Valentine’s Day is marketed the single, the divorced or those who struggle in painful or even abusive relationships are really left out. It is almost as if they are second class citizens or even non-entities. It’s like there is almost a stigma about being single or alone on Valentine’s Day. The hard thing for many people in this situation is that they are often smart, attractive and successful but still alone. Then there are those that are socially awkward or incredibly shy for whom the fear of relationships keeps them from entering into romance. For all of these people the day is difficult and something that they would prefer to just get past. Some will find ways to hang out with others in their situation but when they go home it will be to an empty bed, unless they have a dog.

As I have thought about this beginning the day after Christmas when the first Valentine’s Day candy and cards went on the shelves. Ever since I have been bombarded by commercials on television, radio and the internet and e-mails from online flower distributers, candy makers and specialty marketers advertising what I need to do to make this a holiday special for the one that I love. Now I couldn’t be with my bride this year but I ignored all the hype and surprised her with something that she asked for which cost very little and it made her happy. It is very seldom that I get Valentine’s Day, birthdays or anniversaries right. I am about as romantic as the German Pocket Battleship Graf Spee or a Panzer IV Tank, so when I in spite of myself actually do something that makes Judy’s day a bit brighter I am pleased because I cannot count the number of such occasions that I have messed up.

We’re apart this year but I will get some leave in conjunction with the upcoming President’s Day holiday and I think that will be good just to spend time with her.  Tonight I will go have dinner and a beer or two with another Chaplain, a Catholic Priest who I served with in Iraq.  It is good for us to get together in our line of work, when you are like my friend celibate or like me a geographic celibate there are not a lot of other people that you can hang out with.  Most of our colleagues are married and with their wives if they are not deployed and since a good number don’t drink you can’t exactly show up on their doorstep with a six-pack of Sam Adams (Patriot Brewer and Friend) a bucket of Buffalo wings and some action flick or guy kind of comedy DVD, aka no Chick Flicks or Christian romance movies.

So I am looking forward to tonight with my friend as we share a meal together at a local watering hole and an extended weekend with my bride, the love of my life.

So to all, those together, those apart and those alone I wish you the best.

 

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February 8, 2011 · 00:52

Once an Eagle: A Classic Novel of Military Life

“This classic novel of soldiers and soldiering ranks with Red Badge of Courage and All Quite on the Western Front as time-tested epics of war and warriors.”— John W. Vessey, Jr., Gen., US Army (Ret.)

Sam Damon (Sam Elliot) cries over a fallen friend

Tonight I started watching the NBC television mini-series adaptation of Anton Myrer’s classic novel of war military life and love Once an Eagle on DVD. I had been hoping to find the series on video or DVD for years and it was released again last year. I was introduced to the book through the series which I saw in High School when it came out in 1976. Back then I never missed an episode. I found the story which weaves the life of a soldier who rises from the ranks named Sam Damon who is played by Sam Elliott and a self-serving careerist named Courtney Massengale to be compelling then and caused me to get the book and read it back in High School and I found it even more compelling than the series.

Coutney Massengale (Cliff Potts)

Years later while deployed to Okinawa I saw a few episodes on AFN and purchased another copy which I took to Iraq with me in 2007. Reading the book there made even more of an impact on me.  I guess it was something about getting shot at and being out in locations with small groups of Americans and our Iraqis with the big battalions far away that made it more poignant. I was pleased to find it this week on DVD at the Camp LeJeune Marine Corps Exchange.

I guess for me the hook is that ever since I was a small child I dreamed of all things military and knew that I would probably spend a major part of my life in the military I was attracted to the story. Since I grew up in a Navy family and lived up and down the West Coast and the Philippines it was in my blood. Part of this was being surrounded by the Navy as well as the Marines. I remember seeing the movie The Green Berets when I was in second grade and listening to the Ballad of the Green Berets on the radio. A couple of my friends and I got sent to the principal’s office because we decided to play war a bit long at recess and didn’t go back to class. If there was something military on television I was going to watch it and I remember films like Patton, The Battle of the Bulge, Kelly’s Heroes, The Dirty Dozen, The Desert Fox, M*A*S*H, The Sands of Iwo Jima and tons of others. I built hundreds of model tanks and armored vehicles, ships and aircraft and lived for the day that I could join.

The idealistic and altruistic character of Sam Damon struck a chord in me. The Character of Sam Damon is man who worked his way up from the ranks and not afraid to speak his mind who is able to lead men in the worst situations and accomplish the mission. He cares for his troops but knows his job and knows that men, even friends die in war. At the same time he does not recklessly throw his men’s lives away and they believe that he will get them through. The book takes Damon along with his wife “Tommy” who is not a big fan of the Army despite being an Army Brat and the daughter of a General through their sometimes tumultuous marriage as they are stationed in many places both the glamorous and the not so glamorous in the United States and overseas. It follows Damon’s career from the days before World War One thorough the Great War, the doldrums of the 1920s and 1930s, World War Two, Korea and as a special envoy retired from the Army in a fictionalized Vietnam.  It also traces his relationship with the ambition driven Courtney Massengale.  To avoid spoilers I won’t go into detail but the two characters are in a sense stereotypical of the best and the worst types of men that populate the Officer Corps of the Army, but in a broader sense any military institution.

Tommy Damon (Darlene Carr)

The book is very real in its descriptions of combat as Myrer was an enlisted Marine who was wounded during the invasion of Guam and his descriptions of military life including the hardships endured by military families and while the novel is set in an earlier time where military personnel and their families did not have the communication abilities as we do now, but even with such niceties deployments and family separations, especially those where the military member deploys to a combat zone take a terrible toll on military families.

The novel is very pertinent for those of us in the military because it makes us ask the hard questions of what we will do to further our career and the cost of such a life on our families. I am coming up on 30 years service including about 10 years in the reserves and have made many deployments and my wife has had to endure many separations including my current geographic bachelor tour. Thankfully I am close enough to see her most weekends but we are apart more than we are together.  It is funny that knowing what I knew from my life as a Navy Brat and from books like Once an Eagle that I chose such a life. It is in a sense a calling for me. I know that I’ll never be an Admiral nor do I want to be it is enough to have the privilege to continue to serve when most or all of my contemporaries from my early days in the military have long since left the service or retired. I thank God for that privilege as well as a wife who when she was looking forward to me retiring from the Army Reserve saw me decide to join the Navy to go back on active duty following a mobilization tour where I lost my civilian job, without asking her first. She has endured years of me being gone.  Someday I’ll lay it down but not yet as I still feel that sacred call and thankfully despite the hardship she still loves me but is not unaware of my shortcomings.

In spite of this I am a realist when it comes to the institution of the military. It is not perfect. We have our Sam Damon’s and Courtney Massengale’s but most including me fall somewhere in between these polar opposites to one degree or another. I think that is why men or women who are too idealistic sometimes struggle when their leaders don’t measure up to those ideals.  I remember who my idealism was shattered.  After that I have endeavored to do the best as a Line Officer, Priest and Chaplain knowing that that I won’t always get it right but also knowing that I will try to always uphold the best ideals of the Navy and the military.

The book is required reading in many advanced military schools and is on the Army and the Marine Corps required reading lists.  There is much to learn from it and a lot of wisdom on its pages.  When I finish the mini-series I will read the book again. I recommend it highly.

Peace

Padre Steve+

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February 2, 2011 · 01:07

Lili Marlene: The Song of Soldiers and Sailors away from their Homes and Lovers

Lili Marleen Statue in Munster Germany

Lili Marleen – Original version

Vor der Kaserne vor dem grossen Tor
Stand eine Laterne, und stebt noch davor,
So wolln wir uns da wiedersehn
Bei der Laterne wolln wir stehn,
Wie einst Lili Marleen, wie einst Lili Marleen.

Unsre beide Schatten sahn wie einer aus.
Dass wir so lieb uns hatten, das sah man gleich daraus
Un alle Leute solln es sehn,
Wenn wir bei der Laterne stehn,
Wie einst Lili Marleen, wie einst Lili Marleen.

Schon rief der Posten: Sie blasen Zapfenstreich
Es kann drei Tage kosten! Kam’rad, ich komm ja gleich.
Da sagten wir auf Wiedersehn.
Wie gerne wollt ich mit dir gehn,
Mit dir Lili Marleen, mit dir Lili Marleen.

Deine Schritte kennt sie, deinen zieren Gang
Alle Abend brennt sie, mich vergass sie lanp
Und sollte mir ein Leids geschehn,
Wer wird bei der Laterne stehn,
Mit dir Lili Marleen, mit dir Lili Marleen?

Aus dem stillen Raume, aus der Erde Grund
Hebt mich wie im Traume dein verliebter Mund.
Wenn sich die spaeten Nebel drehn,
Werd’ ich bei der Laterne stehn
Wie einst Lili Marleen, wie einst Lili Marleen

German Singer Lale Andersen recorded the song that touched the lives of Axis and Allied Soldiers alike

Lili Marleen Original Lale Andersen 1939

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vL0KniirXHM&feature=related

Lili Marlene- Marlene Dietrich German version

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7J6OPurrtw&feature=fvwrel

Lili Marlene – English version

Underneath the lantern by the barrack gate,
Darling I remember the way you used to wait;
‘Twas there that you whispered tenderly,
That you lov’d me, you’d always be,
My Lilli of the lamplight,
My own Lilli Marlene.

Time would come for roll call time for us to part
Darling I’d carress you and press you to my heart.
And there ‘neath that far off lantern light
I’d hold you tight we’d kiss goodnight,
My Lillie of the lamplight,
My own Lilli Marlene.

Orders came for sailing somewhere over there,
All confined to barracks was more than I could bear;
I knew you were waiting in the street,
I heard your feet, but could not meet,
My Lillie of the lamplight,
My own Lilli Marlene.

Resting in a billet just behind the line
Even tho’ we’re parted your lips are close to mine,
You wait where that lantern softly gleams
Your sweet face seems to haunt my dreams,
My Lillie of the lamplight,
My own Lilli Marlene.

Lale Andersen English Version (1942)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0P_m7SZBvQ&feature=related

It is seldom in the history of war that something transcends hatred and touches hearts of soldiers of opposing sides.  In the Second World War a song did just that. Sometimes called the Soldatenlieder it was written as a poem by a World War One soldier of the Imperial German Army named Hans Liep, a school teacher drafted into the Army.  It was recorded in 1939 by Lale Anderson but was not liked by the Nazi Propaganda Minster Josef Goebbels. However it was liked by those in the military and it found its way into the programming of the German Military Radio Service which had taken over Radio Belgrade. A lieutenant working for the station picked up a copy of the recording in a Vienna record store and began to play it. Goebbels ordered it banned but reluctantly changed his mind in response to a barrage of letters sent to the station by German and other Axis soldiers across Europe. Field Marshal Erwin Rommel of the Afrika Korps had a soft spot for the song and requested that it be played nightly and from then on the song was played at 9:55 PM every night by Radio Belgrade.

Field Marshal Erwin Rommel requested that Lili Marleen be played nightly

The song was not just popular among the Axis it was popular among Allied soldiers beginning with the Australians and New Zealanders serving with the British 8th Army in North Africa.  One has to imagine his longing for his own “Dearest Lu” his wife in Germany.  The popularity of the song spread to others including Americans. The British High command did not appreciate soldiers singing it in German and songwriter Tommy Conner wrote an English version which was recorded by Anne Shelton in 1944.

Marlene Dietrich performing in front of American Soldiers in World War II

Marlene Dietrich performed it often in USO shows for US Servicemen during the war. It has been reported translated and performed in 48 languages around the world.  Her recordings of the song are still popular.

The never has been a war where military men, Soldiers, Sailors, Marines and Airmen who have left their loves behind have not dreamed of them. Lili Marlene expressed that dream perhaps more than any song in history.

Today soldiers from many countries serve away from their loved ones in combat or deployed far from home.  I think that many have their Lili Marleen waiting for them and when they close their eyes can see that special person.

Me with my Bride Judy in 1983

Since I have served away from my wife many times for longer than I can count in the past 27 years I can relate to the feelings expressed in this song for I still remember the first time that served away from her when three weeks after we were married I departed for active duty as a new Army Second Lieutenant back in 1983.  Years later in Iraq I still could see my young bride. Sometimes our loves never change.

Peace

Padre Steve+

 

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