Monthly Archives: March 2009

The Fellowship of the Pub

pub11It seems that Judy and I have discovered a form of fellowship that was foreign to us in our Evangelical days. Back then fellowship was something that happened pretty much with other Christians at a church sponsored event, usually church socials or home groups.  Since these were by and large church activities the fellowship consisted primarily of chatting about what the Lord was doing in our lives, church programs or what was wrong with the “world.” Alcohol in any form was not consumed. There was a joke in seminary about what two Baptist preachers said when they met each other in the liquor store: “Absolutely nothing.”

Noe there is nothing wrong with sharing what the Lord is doing in each others lives, it is indeed a remarkable form of community in the Christian world.  At the same time the way many American Christians have ghettoized themselves to be separate from the world this has almost become a way to avoid dealing with people who are not like us.  This takes on different forms in different churches but the effect is the same…an isolation of Christians from the world in which they live. A whole Evangelical subculture has emerged.  It began with mainstream “Contemporary Christian Music” which had developed out of the “Jesus Music” of the early Christian rockers such as Larry Norman, Love Song and “Maranatha Music” of the late 1960s and early 1970s.  It continued with “Christian” TV networks, entertainment, movies and counseling and even dating services.  Entire networks of  “Christian” services formed in opposition to “worldly” services.  One of the stupidest ideas that I have ever seen was “Christian Yellow Pages.” Each of these “Christian” organizations or businesses generally tried to what their “secular” counterparts did, only with a lot less quality, even if there was no sex or cussing.

This aside, I think that the ghettoization of Christianity into a narrow Evangelical subculture has hurt the witness of the church in the world.  It has separated itself so much that it has lost contact and understanding of what others who are not like them really are like.

Judy and I love to go out and eat.  We don’t have any children.  Cooking for two is difficult on a busy and often irregular schedule, so going out makes a lot of sense. Since I returned from Iraq we like to do this in a couple of restaurants, with a couple of others as back ups.  Our primary places of fellowship are the bars at the Gordon Biersch Brewery Restaurant and Smokey Bones Bar-b-Que in the Town Center area of Virginia Beach.  We also like a couple of Irish pubs.  In fact when I travel the Irish pubs are my favorite places to go. We especially like going to the bars of these establishments for a number of reasons.  One is because of Judy’s hearing.  We can sit next to each other with me by her good ear without looking stupid sitting next to each other in a booth.  Anyone who has seen the Seinfeld episode with this phenomena (the “Schmoopy schmo0py episode) can certainly understand what I am saying here.

The second and far more important part of this is that we have gotten to know people outside the walls of a church building.  I’ve noted that big crowds a church other meetings really get my PTSD response going, but somehow bars are comforting. We have gotten to meet a lot of really interesting people going to bars.  We have also have gotten to know the bar tenders and other wait staff.  We are comfortable with them and they are getting to know us.  They know what we like to eat and know which beers we like with having to tell them.  Bartenders are far better listeners than most Christians.  There is a reason why people go to bars, bartenders will listen to you and talk with you without telling you what you need to be doing.  As they have gotten to know us their personal and sometimes spiritual questions come up.  I don’t hide the fact that I am a Priest and Chaplain.  Maybe this is foreign to many at the east end of the Bible Belt, but it is nice to be there for them too.  Questions of faith, baptism, confirmation, difficulties with church teaching and prayer needs are often expressed as we get to know these young men and women.

Knowing that a priest and his wife accept them as they are sometimes results in interesting findings.  So many people are disenfranchised from the Church.  We have met more lapsed Catholics, Baptists and others who long for genuineness.   Most have been hurt by legalism and rejection by people in their church or other religious folk.  Denominational affiliation is irrelevant.   They have tired of being ostracized but still long for God without Her being shoved down their throat by some well meaning but often single minded and blunt edged “witness.”   Some of these bartenders and wait staff  have deep faith.  They may not be “in your face” about it but they care for people and many will tell you how God is working in their life and that of their family simply because you are there.  For us this is part of “Incarnation Christianity.” Jesus made a bit of wine himself, from what I read it was pretty good. He also hung out with the bartenders of his time as well as others deemed less than socially acceptable by the highly religious culture of the time.  Sounds familiar even today.  Some things never change.

So we don’t worry about what anyone else thinks about us doing this anymore.  We have a great time and get to know a lot of neat folks which sometimes leads to interesting spiritual situations.  Relationships are being developed, friendships formed and the love of Jesus being shown.  Now I know that some will object, but I have come not really to care and I couldn’t give a rip if someone doesn’t like that fact that I drink good beer. Those who proof text attempt to isogete scripture  to say that we are somehow “causing the weaker brothers to sin” really have no idea about scripture or the incarnation.  I figure that the Diety Herself would be please.  If not she’ll let me know.

As Martin Luther said: “I know the devil is active, but I also know God is sovereign, so I will sit here and drink my beer.”  Peace to all God’s people. Padresteve out.

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The Perils of PTSD

PTSD is a weird condition.  At least it is for me.  The more I learn about it, both from my own experience of it and how veterans have experienced it I am amazed.  Most of us  relive trauma, experience depression, anxiety, rage, pain, nightmares and other manifestations of  PTSD.  The more vets I meet who are experiencing these outward manifestations,  those receiving treatment and those who are afraid to seek help,  the more I am concerned about the health of our military forces.  Likewise I am concerned who have served but have either returned to the reserves, National Guard or civilian life with little or no follow up by the military or VA.   The unknown part of this is what are the long term effects of PTSD on our force.  Several things are concerning.  The rise in suicide attempts and completions, especially in the Army which hit an all time high last year is especially concerning. Expanding numbers of incidents involving current service members with PTSD including criminal acts, alcohol and drug abuse, DUI offenses and broken marriages attest to the fact that there is a problem.  I am afraid that at the present time we have just scratched the surface.  Experience shows that many who suffer from PTSD do not go into serious distress for many years.  They are able for a while to bury their pain, often “self medicating” with alcohol and drugs until finally they either seek treatment or are forced to seek treatment.  This was often the case with our Vietnam vets, many of whom are still suffering forty years after the fact.

Part of the problem lies in the bureaucratic systems that veterans deal with on a daily basis.  Systems that often cause them further harm.  I know of an officer who has both PTSD and TBI, this officer has been put through the ignominy of of telling his story for the first time numerous times to multiple “caregivers” and been often treated as if he was there to support the needs of contractors, and congressional mandated agencies, rather than for them to assist him.  Another serviceman that I know came back from the Middle East with several hundred combat missions, a Purple Heart and Bronze Star for Valor and meritoriously advanced in rank. When he returned to his unit his life fell apart due to his PTSD.  He got in trouble and rather than seeing that this hero got treatment his command reduced him in rank and tried to have him put out of the service.  Thankfully another command saw the injustice, recognized the PTSD and both helped him and are working with him to clear his name and restore his rank.  I know of another officer who not only has PTSD but a irreversible lung condition acquired in Iraq which will eventually kill him.  This officer has been shunted aside by his service and for many months was treated by his service’s medical department as if he were a malingerer before after my urging he went higher in the chain of command.  He finally did get some medical help, but has experienced a distancing by others in his service. He is expecting to be medically retired despite being a winner of two Bronze Stars in two consecutive deployments, the last where he had to be medivac’d from  Iraq to the States because of the severity of his condition.  I have met medical personnel who suffer PTSD from dealing with trauma incidents and dying soldiers in forward medical facilities.  I know what that is like, praying with,  holding the hand of wounded or dying servicemen and anointing them was far different for me than my work in a civilian trauma center.  These were men who wore the same uniform as me who were operating in the same places that I traveled when they were hit.  I can still see those young men, their wounds, burns, faces and even tattoos.

Those who deal with PTSD never really know when they will get weird.  For me large crowds at almost any place other than a baseball game can put me into a panic.  Even church is hard and I’m a priest and chaplain.  When I am really stressed or tired, have had nightmares or anxiety I can feel what can best be described as a low level electrical current running through my body.  I woke up Sunday morning like this and needed to take an extra dose of my anti anxietymedicine, I had the same thing this morning.  When we had fires that burned in the Great Dismal Swamp, the color of the sky and smell sent me back to Iraq. That was one of the events that brought me to seek help. I got up, walked out the door, saw the sky and smeeled the smell and had to try to remind myself that this was Virginia Beach and not Ramadi.  Other smells, sights and sound can either provoke a startle response or anxiety attack. Cow pastures and sewage treatment plants do this to me. I talk with others and they have the same sensation.   If I hear a UH or SH-60 helicopter I am back in Iraq as the UH-60s in our area were used for only one purpose, that of MEDIVAC.  Sirens do this to me too, Iraqi police, fire and rescue use American vehicles with American sirens.  From what I hear from others as well as my therapist.

These are just some of the stories that I have heard or experienced myself. PTSD is for real.  I will continue to add my voice to support my brothers and sisters who suffer from PTSD, those from the current wars as well as past wars.

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Baseball and Eschatology…the Cubs are the key

The Creed says that Jesus “will come again to judge the living and the dead.”  It doesn’t say how or when.  My hair brained theory says that it all comes down to baseball. My belief is that when the Chicago Cubs win the World’s Series that we’d better start looking to the East, and pronto.

I’m actually somewhat serious.  I have no emotional investment in the Cubs, I’m a San Francisco Giants fan who has a fondness for the Oakland A’s.  Willie Mays was and always will be the best baseball player who ever lived to me.  So I think that I can honestly say that I am impartial observer of this prophetic event. Last year I was actually somewhat concerned.  The Cubs were a favorite to reach the series and maybe win it. They appeared to have the best team in baseball and it was 100 years exactly since the last series that they won.  I was worried because as much as I believe that Jesus will come again, I have to confess that I’d prefer he wait until some following generation to do it.

One has to look at history and see all the disappointment that Cubs fans have suffered over the years.  Think of the times that the experts said it was the Cubs time.  Remember the playoff a few years back against the Marlins?  Up in the top of the 8th in game six and then everything fell apart shortly after the errant Cubs fan reached out and caught a foul ball that was almost in the glove of the Cub defender?  What about last year and the way the Cubs folded in the playoffs?  There has to be something to this.  It is too eerily similar to guys like Hal Lindsey and others who keep reading the headlines and predicting Jesus’ return, and when he doesn’t they have to look at the headlines again, wait for another crisis and write another book.  Those who follow them are like Cubs fans and are always disappointed when Jesus doesn’t come like their prophecy teacher said he would.

Thus, all this considered I must be right, there is a correlation between the Cubs and and eschatology.  I could be full of spit, but I think I have something here. In the W.P. Kinsella novel The Iowa Baseball Confederacy a young man ventures to the end of a rail spur and ends up transported back in time to 1908 to a place in Iowa where the Cubs were playing an exhibition against a team of local all stars.  The game took on mythic proportions, and not to spoil the book, which I highly recommend, it tells of cataclysmic and cosmological significance of the 1908 Cubs.

I’ll end here, but to those who expect the Cubs to win the World’s Series you’d better be careful what you ask for…when you are rejoicing that the Cubs finally have won, Jesus may come and spoil your parade.

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That they may be one…

The prayer of Jesus, that his people might be one and he and the Father are one is a prayer that becomes closer to my heart every day.  My experience of the Church is profoundly influenced by my life in the nether world of the military culture.  My world view is shaped by a blending of various Christian traditions,  mutual support and collaboration among believers of often radically different points of view. Because of the love, care and mentoring of people from a blend of different traditions I came to k now God and survived a tumultuous childhood with many moves.

As a historian I have been blessed to to study church history from the early Church Fathers to the present.  As I look to church history I find inspiration in many Christian traditions.  In fact rather being threatened by them I have become appreciative of their distinctiveness.  I think that there is a beauty in liturgy and stability in the councils and creeds of the Church.  At the same time the prophetic voice of evangelical preaching shapes me, not merely the salvation message, but the message of freedom embodied in the lives and sacrifice of men like William Wilberforce, Martin Luther King. and Desmond Tutu.  Likewise the prophetic message of the faith is demonstrated in the  ministry, writing and martyrdom of Dietrich Bonhoeffer and his contemporaries Martin Niemoller and Jesuit Father Rupert Meyer of Munich.  All who resisted and preached against the evils of Nazism.  Women like Teresa of Avila and St Catherine show me that women have a legitimate place of ministry and leadership in the Church.  The joy of music in many forms, from ancient hymns and psalter to modern works from around the world enliven the church.I have been shaped by the writings of  Hans Kung, Yves Congar, Jurgen Moltmann and Henry Nouwen.  I’ve been challenged by St Francis of Assissi, John Wesley and Martin Luther.  I am especially inspired by Pope John XXIII who’s vision brought about the Second Vatican Council.

My prayer  is that Christians can live in peace with one another and that we find ways to overcome the often very legitimate hurts, grievances and divisions of our 2000 year history.  Niether triumphalism nor authoritarianism  has a place in my understanding of Church. As a person who grew up in a very open and ecumenical environment I have lost any denominational parochialism that I might have had if I had become a pastor of a civilian parish instead of a chaplain.  I do see the providence of God in this, even the bishop who ordained me recognized that calling within the priesthood and never pushed me into parish ministry. Maybe he was afraid that I would be dangerous, God only knows. I believe that my environment has been a stronger influence in the way I think about ecumenical relations and ministry than my actual theology or ecclesiolgy.  Likewise I have grown weary of refighting theological debates that have divided the church for a thousand years.   I think I embody what the early Anglicans referred to as the via media, as somehow my lifeand ministry has been about building bridges at the intersections of faith with a wide diversity of people.  When I have tried to embrace traditionalism or choose to fight theological battles I have ended up tired, bitter and at enmity with other Christians. In a sense when I tried those paths I found that they didn’t work for me. I discovered that I was not being true to who God had created and guided my life, education and expereince.  My favorite theological debates have been with other chaplains over pints of good beer in German Gasthausen or Irish pubs.  Those were good times, we argued but we also laughed and always left as friends and brothers.  As I noted in my post Journeys I figure that the the first seven ecumenical councils work just fine and I really like Vatican II.  I believe since we are human that none of us will ever fully comprehend all of God or her truth.  I believe that the Holy Spirit, God’s gracious gift to her people will guide us into all Truth. For me my faith has become more about relationships and reconcilliation than in being right.

May God guide us into all truth and bring us all into communion.

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Journey’s

Jerry Garcia once made the comment that “it’s been a long strange trip.”  For me the rocker’s words go through me like a good classic rock guitar riff, kind of like those in the Eagle’s “Hotel California.”  My faith and life has been a strange trip.  Had anyone told me back when I graduated from college that I would be serving on active duty after 27 years and a Priest to boot, I would have asked them what they were smoking.  I think that God has a sense of humor. I would have never picked me for the job, if Paul was the least of the Apostle’s then I have to be one of the least of the Priests. Cool, that last one rhymed, you got to love that huh?

Anyway, I was talking to my shrink today about how my experience in Iraq has changed me and maybe how God herself has used it to get me where she wants me to be.  I have spent the last 27 years of “aiming high” to “be all that I can be” in something that is “not just a job but an adventure.”  God has allowed me to experience  cool stuff, see a lot of things, go to more cool places than other people ever get to go and meet really cool people around the world.

I have talked about PTSD in my blog.  I have it, but in some ways it is not a curse, despite its stigma.  My time in Iraq and what happened there as well as my return has been as much an occasion of grace, despite the many difficulties.

Before Iraq I spent endless hours in theological as well as political debates.  Since returning I find those things not quite as important as they once were.  When I tried to rejoin them I discovered that I couldn’t and that the endless barrage of hatred and negativity was causing me a lot of problems, both emotionally and spiritually.  As I backed off a bit see people, even those I have disagreement with to be people that God loves, except maybe when they cut me off in traffic or play for the Dodgers.  Even so I’m sure that God herself even loves bad drivers and Dodgers fans, because she is much more loving and gracious that I can ever be.

I have discovered an experience of God’s love in communitywith people who have the same passions that I have.  I am much less doctrinaire than I used to be.  My early writings in the 1990s had a hard edge that came across as I tried to outdo others in doctrinal correctness.  Since Iraq I’ve lost that edge.  Actually I have been slowly losing it for years after a couple of my articles drew fire from some former bishops in my church. I was banned me from publishing, a ban since lifted and forbidden to have contact with civilian priests in the diocese which I resided.  I remained faithful to my vows, endured both the bans silently while seeing those same men devastate the church and abandon it.  I now really understand Hans Kung, whose books led me to the Catholic faith proclaimed at the Second Vatican Council.

Since Iraq I have been taking personal and spiritual inventory in between periods of depression, anxiety, insomnia, chronic pain, rages and occasional paranoia.   Doing this I found that my relationship with  and love for Judy had deepened significantly.  I also discovered that the people I was closest to were those who had shared experiences of being in danger, under enemy fire and who like me had come back changed.

I discovered that sitting silently is often more valuable than having answers or trying to make up something to look like I know what I’m doing.  I’ve discovered the grace of God in the Sacraments of the Eucharist and Reconciliation and the value of kind words.  I’ve also discovered that I have limitations in what I can do and how far I can tpush myself.  Those limitations are not bad, they too are God’s gift to me.  What bothers me most now is religious or political thinking which presumes to be infallible or to know what God is saying in the absence of any clear word from God.   I am now comfortable in gray areas rather than a world of absolute black and white dualism.  Honestly for many years I needed that “black and white” world, so I have no condemnation for those who believe that way.  I have left that world, for better or worse, in both politics and religion. In doing so I am confident of the grace and love of God.  The prayer said by the Priest in the Roman Eucharistic rite at the end of the Lord’s Prayer has become a prayer of mine: “Deliver us Lord from every evil, and grant us peace in our day. In your mercy keep us free from sin and all anxiety as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of our Savior Jesus Christ.” A priest friend of mine actually adds “from every needless anxiety” to the prayer.

Yeah, I have my ups and downs. This last weekend after coming back from DC was pretty rough, but God promises to be with us with us and never leave us or forsake us.  So I guess that includes me too.

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Survivng Lent: Take advantage of the Feast Days

One of the keys to surviving Lent if you don’t do it well is to take advantage of “Feast Days.”  For those who don’t know what these are they include all Sundays in Lent as well as the feast of St Joseph husband of the Blessed Virgin Mary (19 March) and the Annunciation (25 March.) Holy or Maunday Thursday is also a feast day.  So what does this mean?  It means that you can eat and even drink so long as you are not drunk on your ass.  Now if you have given up something for Lent it doesn’t mean you can go ahead and do it, so be careful what you give up.  In practical terms this means if you are pretty strict in your Lenten observance that you can breathe a little easier.  Likewise as I have mentioned before there are other days that might qualify.  St Patrick’s day is one of them, while not a feast day in the US it is in Ireland. Since we are all Irish on St Patrick’s day we can claim it as a feast day.  Of course there are hard assed bishops who say this is a definite “no go” but I’ll bet if they had an outbreak of nasty snakes in their diocese that they wouls ask for St Patty’s help and allow the feast day.   Likewise my birthday which almost always falls in Lent can be a feast day for anyone willing to wish me well or buy me a beer. Baseball’s opening day certainly counts as a feast day, who can go without a hot dog or sausage on opening day?

On the personal side my PTSD has kicked my ass this weekend.  I was talking to a friend who also suffers it and we both can describe physical feelings associated with it.  One is what almost feels like a low voltage electrical current running through your body.  I woke up that way this morning after a sleepless and often terrifying night.  I had to medicate to get myself somewhat calm this morning.  This stuff is no joke.  There are studies to suggest that the traumas which cause PTSD actually shorts out or blows out circuits in the brain.  As we learn more about the physiology of the brain I am sure this will be borne out as further research is conducted.

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The Stigma of PTSD

I have PTSD.  I came back with it from my tour in Iraq.  I’ve mentioned this indirectly in previous posts.

Honestly, when I went to Iraq I knew about PTSD, however before I went there I really didn’t understand it, despite having been a trauma department chaplain in an urban trauma center. I knew people who suffered from PTSD but presumed that it is not as bad or prevalent at it really is among our veterans.

It actually took me a while to figure out what was going on with me.  My assistant and I traveled about all of Iraq’s Al Anbar province working with small groups of Americans working with the Iraqi Army, Border Forces and various police and other security forces.  I worked out of a base where when I first arrived a Army helicopter went down and I was greeted with a memorial ceremony for the 5 soldiers killed.  This was followed in rapid succession by a number of mass causality events where I was busy praying for and anointing Marines and Soldiers wounded by insurgent attacks along the very roads that I would be traveling on.  In my tour I experienced a lot, while we never were in a convoy that got hit, we did take small arms fire, had rockets fly over us and had aircraft come under attack by ground fire and shoot back. We also traveled in convoys of no more than three American HUMMVs and maybe a couple of Iraqi vehicles occasionally having to examine suspected IEDs and go through areas that were rife with insurgents.  Additionally we were in meetings where corrupt Iraqi officers were relieved by their Iraqi commanders with the US advisers present.   All participants in these meetings were armed except me.  Since I came back I have seen several reports of advisers being killed or wounded by renegade Iraqi troops while engaged in humanitarian missions.   All of this took a toll, the wear and tear of constant travel in dangerous areas with minimal protection worm me down without me even realizing it.  About  two thirds of the way through the tour we came back from a mission and some idiotic bureaucratic thing was brought up at our base of operations.  I lost it.  I was kicking HESCO barriers (big wire and canvas containers that held sand and dirt to protect soft buildings from rockets and mortar fire and cussing when my assistant, RP2 Nelson Lebron puled me aside and said “Sir, you need to get some rest, it’s not worth being upset, they’re idiots.”   He was right, but it took me a while to realize what was going on with me.  I couldn’t sleep at night and when I came home was in a constant state of anxiety, sleeplessness and was terrified by noise, light and crowds.  Situations in traffic sent me into rages.  Hyper vigilant I could not relax. The noise of helicopters and sight of certain types of helicopters sent me into flashbacks.  Nightmares were common while living with a constant state of anxiety, depression and  even paranoia became normal. Even church was painful to visit. A church convocation where I had to fly through Orlando International Airport so traumatized me that I was a wreck for weeks to come.  When I came back to my unit from Iraq I found that my personal gear had been moved out of my office and placed in a trailer as the unit was going through a major reorganization.  It was not personal on their part, but I felt cast aside by the Navy when I returned.   While it was not personal I felt rejected and without a home.   Due to the effects of PTSD on my Sailors who had been to Iraq and Afghanistan multiple times I was asked to start working on ways to help those traumatized by combat and the loss of friends.

In spite of this I pushed myself hard.  I couldn’t believe that there was anything wrong with me.  Then the fires in the Great Dismal Swamp began shrouding our area in a pall of smoke the color of which looked like a sandstorm and the smell like burn pits or the acrid smell of burning debris in Iraqi towns was overwhelming. Driving by a cow pasture or sewage treatment plant sent me back to Iraq.  During a presentation by a national expert which I had arranged for my unit on the effects of trauma and combat I struggled to keep myself together. My unit doctor looked at me a the end of the day and said. “Chaplain you don’t look good.”  I told him “I’m not, I need help.” Thankfully he listened, as did my command. My CO was shocked, I was experienced and well trained, and I was falling apart.  My doctor helped me to get the help I needed. My command was brought into the situation and both my old CO and new CO expressed thier support to me. The new CO asked me where a chaplain went for help.  I met Dr Elmer Maggard at Portsmouth Naval Medical Center and started to get help.  When I transferred to be a staff chaplain at Portsmouth my department head, Chaplain Jesse Tate pulled me aside and told me that he knew my work and would support me in my recovery.  He has been good on his word.  Other chaplains at Portsmouth have been supportive even on my bad days.  My work there on the ICUs with our staff has been healing as I meet others who have experienced PTSD or combat stress reactions.  The sharing of experiences and stories of Iraq among people who have been there is healing.  Sharing time with Vietnam vets has become important for me too.  There is a brotherhood that those of us who have seen danger in a combat zone share which is deep and timeless.

I’m getting better. Chronic pain, fatigue and anxiety are moderating somewhat.  Thanks to a fair amount of medications I can sleep much of the time.

Is there a stigma to PTSD?  I do think so, thankfully at least the Navy is starting to get things right in dealing with it. I hope that the other services are doing better as well, but I am not sure.  Army statistics seem to indicate a major rise in the suicide rate for soldiers.  My guess is that  I do think that among many there is a stigma.  Getting psychiatric or psychological help is still seen by a lot of people as a sign of weakness…some things never change.

Part of my healing process is to let others know about this.  I cannot sit back while those that I served with suffer at the hands of cold bureaucracy and discrimation by others who only believe that visible physical injuries matter.  George Patton be damned but people traumatized by combat are not weak, and those who espouse Patton’s philosophy in dealing with men and women injured in this manner can go to the infernal regions.

Does this mean that I would not go back to Iraq or to Afghanistan or some other combat zone?  No, I would go and even volunteer if my particular skill sets were needed.  I would do it for myself and my fellow Sailors, Marines, Soldiers and Airmen who serve, not because I am enamoured with war,  but because they are my brothers and sisters, fellow warriors who selflessly serve.  I can honestly say that I hate war.  I have seen what it does to people and nations, I’ve seen suffering and death both of Americans and Iraqis.   Unfortunately this war will not be over anytime soon.

Today I saw an article on CNN’s web page about two Army Generals who have decided to share their experience of PTSD.  God bless them.  The link is here:  http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/03/06/generals.ptsd/index.html

I’m lucky.  While things have not been easy I’ve gotten help and support.  I know others who have not. God bless these and others who have come out about their experiences.  Keep them and all of the rest of us in your prayers.

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God in the Empty Places

This was written last year when I was doing a lot of soul searching and reflecting after Iraq. It was originally ran in my church’s online news service.  I post it here as i walk through this season of Lent in this time of worldwide turmoil. Please don’t forget those who serve in Iraq and Afghanistan, nor those who have served in prior wars. Especially those who who have reurned injured in mind, body or spirit and those who made the supreme sacrifice.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting on ministry and history over the past few months. While both have been part of my life for many years, they have taken on a new dimension after serving in Iraq. I can’t really explain it; I guess I am trying to integrate my theological and academic disciplines with my military, life and faith experience since my return.

The Chaplain ministry is unlike civilian ministry in many ways. As Chaplains we never lose the calling of being priests, and as priests in uniform, we are also professional officers and go where our nations send us to serve our Soldiers, Sailors, Marines and Airmen. There is always a tension, especially when the wars that we are sent to are unpopular at home and seem to drag on without the benefit of a nice clear victory such as VE or VJ Day in World War II or the homecoming after Desert Shield and Desert Storm.

It is my belief that when things go well and we have easy victories that it is easy for us to give the credit to the Lord and equally easy for others to give the credit to superior strategy, weaponry or tactics to the point of denying the possibility that God might have been involved. Such is the case in almost every war and Americans since World War Two have loved the technology of war seeing it as a way to easy and “bloodless” victory. In such an environment ministry can take on an almost “cheer-leading” dimension. It is hard to get around it, because it is a heady experience to be on a winning Army in a popular cause. The challenge here is to keep our ministry of reconciliation in focus, by caring for the least, the lost and the lonely, and in our case, to never forget the victims of war, especially the innocent among the vanquished, as well as our own wounded, killed and their families.

But there are other wars, many like the current conflict less popular and not easily finished. The task of chaplains in the current war, and similar wars fought by other nations is different. In these wars, sometimes called counter-insurgency operations, guerilla wars or peace keeping operations, there is no easily discernable victory. These types of wars can drag on and on, sometimes with no end in sight. Since they are fought by volunteers and professionals, much of the population acts as if there is no war since it does often not affect them, while others oppose the war.

Likewise, there are supporters of war who seem more interested in political points of victory for their particular political party than for the welfare of those that are sent to fight the wars. This has been the case in about every war fought by the US since World War II. It is not a new phenomenon. Only the cast members have changed.

This is not only the case with the United States. I think that we can find parallels in other militaries. I think particularly of the French professional soldiers, the paratroops and Foreign Legion who bore the brunt of the fighting in Indo-China, placed in a difficult situation by their government and alienated from their own people. In particular I think of the Chaplains, all Catholic priests save one Protestant, at the Battle of Dien Bien Phu, the epic defeat of the French forces that sealed the end of their rule in Vietnam. The Chaplains there went in with the Legion and Paras. They endured all that their soldiers went through while ministering the Sacraments and helping to alleviate the suffering of the wounded and dying. Their service is mentioned in nearly every account of the battle. During the campaign which lasted 6 months from November 1953 to May 1954 these men observed most of the major feasts from Advent through the first few weeks of Easter with their soldiers in what one author called “Hell in a Very Small Place.”

Another author describes Easter 1954: “In all Christendom, in Hanoi Cathedral as in the churches of Europe the first hallelujahs were being sung. At Dienbeinphu, where the men went to confession and communion in little groups, Chaplain Trinquant, who was celebrating Mass in a shelter near the hospital, uttered that cry of liturgical joy with a heart steeped in sadness; it was not victory that was approaching but death.” A battalion commander went to another priest and told him “we are heading toward disaster.” (The Battle of Dienbeinphu, Jules Roy, Carroll and Graf Publishers, New York, 1984 p.239)

Of course one can find examples in American military history such as Bataan, Corregidor, and certain battles of the Korean War to understand that our ministry can bear fruit even in tragic defeat. At Khe Sahn in our Vietnam War we almost experienced a defeat on the order of Dien Bien Phu. It was the tenacity of the Marines and tremendous air-support that kept our forces from being overrun.

You probably wonder where I am going with this. I wonder a little bit too. But here is where I think I am going. It is the most difficult of times; especially when units we are with take casualties and our troops’ sacrifice is not fully appreciated by a nation absorbed with its own issues.

For the French the events and sacrifices of their soldiers during Easter 1954 was page five news in a nation that was more focused on the coming summer. This is very similar to our circumstances today because it often seems that own people are more concerned about economic considerations and the latest in entertainment news than what is going on in Iraq or Afghanistan. The French soldiers in Indo-china were professionals and volunteers, much like our own troops today. Their institutional culture and experience of war was not truly appreciated by their own people, or by their government which sent them into a war against an opponent that would sacrifice anything and take as many years as needed to secure their aim, while their own countrymen were unwilling to make the sacrifice and in fact had already given up their cause as lost. Their sacrifice would be lost on their own people and their experience ignored by the United States when we sent major combat formations to Vietnam in the 1960s. In a way the French professional soldiers of that era have as well as British colonial troops before them have more in common with our force than the citizen soldier heroes of the “Greatest Generation.” Most of them were citizen soldiers who did their service in an epic war and then went home to build a better country as civilians. We are now a professional military and that makes our service a bit different than those who went before us.

Yet it is in this very world that we minister, a world of volunteers who serve with the highest ideals. We go where we are sent, even when it is unpopular. It is here that we make our mark; it is here that we serve our Soldiers, Sailors, Marines and Airmen. Our duty is to bring God’s grace, mercy and reconciliation to men and women, and their families who may not see it anywhere else. Likewise we are always to be a prophetic voice within the ranks.

When my dad was serving in Vietnam in 1972 I had a Sunday school teacher tell me that he was a “Baby Killer.” It was a Catholic Priest and Navy Chaplain who showed me and my family the love of God when others didn’t. In the current election year anticipate that people from all parts of the political spectrum will offer criticism or support to our troops. Our duty is to be there as priests, not be discouraged in caring for our men and women and their families because most churches, even those supportive of our people really don’t understand the nature of our service or the culture that we represent. We live in a culture where the military professional is in a distinct minority group upholding values of honor, courage, sacrifice and duty which are foreign to most Americans. We are called to that ministry in victory and if it happens someday, defeat. In such circumstances we must always remain faithful.

For those interested in the French campaign in Indo-China it has much to teach us. Good books on the subject include The Last Valley by Martin Windrow, Hell in a Very Small Place by Bernard Fall; The Battle of Dienbeinphu by Jules Roy; and The Battle of Dien Bien Phu- The Battle America Forgot by Howard Simpson. For a history of the whole campaign, read Street Without Joy by Bernard Fall. I always find Fall’s work poignant, he served as a member of the French Resistance in the Second World War and soldier later and then became a journalist covering the Nurnberg Trials and both the French and American wars in Vietnam and was killed by what was then known as a “booby-trap” while covering a platoon of U.S. Marines.

There is a picture that has become quite meaningful to me called the Madonna of Stalingrad. It was drawn by a German chaplain-physician named Kurt Reuber at Stalingrad at Christmas 1942 during that siege. He drew it for the wounded in his field aid station, for most of whom it would be their last Christmas. The priest would die in Soviet captivity and the picture was given to one of the last officers to be evacuated from the doomed garrison. It was drawn on the back of a Soviet map and now hangs in the Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial Church in Berlin where it is displayed with the Cross of Nails from Coventry Cathedral as a symbol of reconciliation. I have had it with me since before I went to Iraq. The words around it say: “Christmas in the Cauldron 1942, Fortress Stalingrad, Light, Life, Love.” I am always touched by it, and it is symbolic of God’s care even in the midst of the worst of war’s suffering and tragedy.

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Filed under History, Loose thoughts and musings, Military, PTSD, Religion

Day one in DC: Hope springs eternal

I don’t know what is going on in the world.  I know that things are bad, millions of people losing  jobs and homes in this country, while millions of others around the world suffer disease, war, famine and a plethora of plagues.  But it seems to me  that people, especially in the media, a lot of politicians and pundits are just miserable people.  They inflict their misery on everyone else by taking a bad situation and spinning it to whatever horrible end that they envision, mostly bordering apocalyptic be they religious people or not.

There are some people who in their misery long for a time in the past when things were supposedly better.  It almost seems to be that some folks want the world to return to some pristine form that it once was. For some that is the 1940s or 1950s, some the 1550s.  I understand that, there is a certain amount of comfort that we derive from the past; yet nothing stays the same, at least not in the created realm.  Yet trying to recreate a past that often is mythologized we fail to live in the real world.   The Leisure Suit will never come back.

We visited Washington DC today and will as well tomorrow.  Today my Congressman, Nick Rahall (D-WV) helped set up a wonderful time at the Capitol, that included special courtesy by his staff who helped get us around.  It was wonderful, people were genuinely friendly.  I ran into Congressional Staffers, rode an elevater with someone I recognized as a Congressman but couldn’t think of the name, a General or two, tour guides and other citizens like us who were touring the Capitol and riding around on the Metro.  I was in my Service Dress Blues and people were complimentary and thanked me for my service.  A group of Vietnam Vets and their wives who had just been to Walter Reed to visit wounded service men and women were especially nice. People were courteous everywhere, when my 86 year old aunt tripped getting on a Metro a bunch of people came to her aid.    In spite of all the hate and discontent being spewed everywhere, people were overwhelmingly friendly.  As we toured the Capitol I got a sense of the specialness of our country.  We’ve survived invasions, a terrible Civil War, racism and segragation, good and bad economic times including a Great World Wide Depression and a couple of World Wars,  the threat of nuclear devastation in the Cold War.  We;ve survived some terrible Presidents, ineffective Congressess, bad Supreme Court Decisions, Robber Barons past and present, and we still go on.

I believe now that somehow we and the world will get through these times. Our visit to DC has reinforced that belief.  I believe that because I see good people who go about doing good.  Despite our flaws we are still a great country.  Yes things change and we are changing too, the USA has been changing for well over 200 years.   This was pretty cool, may God Bless and keep our country at peace.

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SF Giants update

The Giants won today 7-5 beating the Diamondbacks. It is also rumored that given the problems the Dodgers are having with Manny Ramirez that the Giants may have a chance to get him.  This could be interesting…well not so interesting, teh Evil Dodgers and Manny came to a deal today, a pox on them.

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