Cowboys Stadium meets Seinfeld: A Scoreboard and a Nose that You Can’t Miss

Jerry Jones’  Über-Jumbotron

The New Cowboys Stadium opened officially last week as Jerry’s Kids played the team formerly known as the Houston Oilers the Tennessee Titans, or as I will now call them the Toilers. Most people have been focusing on the controversy over the height of the scoreboard from the field, and if it is really in the way of a punter.  Okay, so what? There are other domed stadiums throughout the league where punters have hit the rafters or roof.  I actually could care less if a punt hits the damned thing that is why the NFL has a rule that says something like this: “If a punt hits the ceiling, roof, scoreboard, the Goodyear Blimp, low flying aircraft or a Space Shuttle returning to earth the punt shall be done over” or words to that effect.  So really the whole controversy over Jerry’s Gigantic Über-Jumbotron being too low is a red herring.  Jeff Fisher doesn’t like Jerry and figures that he will make Jerry’s life complicated, especially since Jerry spent something like 43 million dollars on the scoreboard, or the price of three large pizzas and three beers at one of the stadium’s concession stands.

The thing that got me was not that the Toilers punter hit the scoreboard and if it was intentionally done as Jerry’s Kids claim, or if it was unintentional as Fisher and his Punter claim.  It is how the scoreboard appears when you see it on TV and I can only believe that the effect has to be even more pronounced in person.  It is overwhelming; it is all that you see, it is like a really nice looking girl with a nose that is so big that it overwhelms every other facial feature and draws your attention to it so you can see nothing else.    A colleague of mine at work has had season tickets for the Cowboy’s for years.  Every home game she and her husband fly from the East Coast to Mecca to see the Cowboys play.  She has her tickets for the new stadium and she is pretty sure that her seats will be low enough not to have her view of the other side of the field impeded by the Über-Jumbotron.

So back to my point; when I first heard about the scoreboard I thought, big deal it’s only a big scoreboard.   A lot of stadiums, auditoriums and churches have large screen scoreboard.  I think there is a church in Texas that has one that shows the preacher, has his preaching stats on one column as well as that Sunday’s hymn numbers, Scripture readings and the offering count for the previous month noting the biggest givers’ contributions, but I digress as we are talking about the Jerry’s Über-Jumbotron.

This thing is so big that when I briefly flipped past the game I was transfixed by the sheer size of it.  It was all that I could see. It dwarfed everything.  When people say that everything is bigger in Texas, this proves it.  Although one wonders like the old question dealing with the size of a man’s you know what; if size really matters.  Since girls are not as discreet in talking about such things in public I have occasionally overheard conversations in bars, restaurants and malls where women are discussing this rather delicate and sometimes controversial subject.  Once again I digress.

So anyway when I saw Jerry’s Über-Jumbtron I thought to myself “I have seen this before but where?’  Then it came to me…Seinfeld.  The episode where George dates a girl who has a massive nose which the writers focused in on as if it was George looking at her and all that he could see was nose…nothing but nose.  Once again Seinfeld meets life, only rather than a nose it is Jerry’s Über-Jumbotron.  I was astounded at just how large that it is and I was almost mesmerized by it.  I shook my head to break eye contact with the monster before I could be sucked through my TV screen and into the Stadium.

The Nose

Like I said, I could care less about the rules and how the scoreboard affects play.  I personally find football only mildly interesting now and a diversion to fill occasional time slots when Baseball season ends.  The only question that I have is about the ascetics of the scoreboard.  I wonder if it will become a distraction from the game itself.  I wonder of people who actually care about football wonder the same thing.  Has Jerry Jones created a monster in putting in such a large and overwhelming edifice in his high tech Temple of Cowboy’s Football?  Or is it like the scene out of the movie ruthless people where Judge Reinhold is talking to a rich couple

buying a stereo:

Ken Kessler: Over here, we have a great speaker, Sentry EV- . Consumer Stereo has just rated this a best buy.  I have a pair myself.

Male Customer in a leather Ferrari jacket: Yeah, uh, what do you think of this one?

Ken Kessler:  The Dominator X- ? The Dominator’s a good marketing idea, but it’s really not a good speaker.  We give it a 100 % markup, so we sell it at 50 % off, give the customer the illusion he’s getting a deal and we still make a bundle.

Female Customer: But it’s so big and impressive!

Ken Kessler: Size means very little. Bigger is not necessarily better. I sound like Dr. Ruth.

Female Customer: You mean the Dominator’s like a, uh–

Ken Kessler: Well, the Dominators are very popular with men who like to have bigger… uh—

Female Customer: Equipment?

Ken Kessler: Exactly!

Have a great football season Cowboy fans!

Peace, Steve+