Going to bed is difficult. I got to work about 630 AM Thursday, got maybe 3 hours sleep, was paged to a death call at 0530. The day was long and I left the ICU and hospital about 4 PM following a second death. Add a 3rd death from Thursday afternoon and you’d think that I would have my ass in bed. Up for 40 of 43 hours, 34 in the hospital, I would hope to be in bed. Not quite. My anxiety closet opens for business late at night. I’m going to try to get to sleep tonight. PTSD makes life interesting. At least I can write. Pray for me a sinner. Peace, Steve+
Monthly Archives: August 2009
Closet of Anxieties….No Sleep for the Weary
Filed under Loose thoughts and musings
Yet another Unexpected Death of a Shipmate and Probable Rough Seas Ahead
In Memorium Senior Chief Hospital Corpsman D’Juana Hayes-Jones
This has been another difficult week at Portsmouth Naval Medical Center. Once again we experienced the unexpected and unsettling death of a beloved Shipmate. HMCS D’juna Hayes-Jones, the Senior Enlisted Advisor for the Director of Nursing Services passed away early Wednesday morning of a massive Heart attack or another sudden catastrophic event.
I was just coming off of duty and conducting the duty turnover when the pager went off. The chaplain relieving me took the page and came back saying that he had just been informed that we had lost yet another Shipmate and said that he had to go get more information. I looked at our Deputy Department director and said: “I pray someone that I don’t know; I’m really tired of losing people that I know.” A few minutes later my friend came back and gave us Senior Chief’s name. I was pretty tired having come off a night with little sleep. Initially I looked at him and the deputy and said; “I’m sure I know her but am trying to picture her face.” We finished the turnover and I started to walk back up to the ICU when I clearly saw and remembered her face, which always had a friendly and caring expression. I had just seen her and said hello the day before in one of the main hallways. When this registered I simply said “shit, not another one, damn.” This was the 5th active duty death that we have had since December. I had met all five and had a decent number of interactions with three of the five. Senior Chief was one that I had met a lot in the hallways, had frequent small conversations with and was involved quite heavily with when Senior Chief Pam Branum passed away on June 2nd of this year. Additionally we had a civilian RN pass away and several civilians in our clinics. The active duty deaths were all unexpected and tragic. We have come close to losing a number of other shipmates who were very close to death but have since recovered. With all the deployments added in we are all showing some strain with the loss of our friends and shipmates, so it is important to take care of each other because we don’t know what tomorrow brings. With more deployments coming, a flu season that never ended and H1N1 looming on the horizon I fear that this will not be the last shipmate we lose this year. I pray that I am wrong but my intuition tells me something different. In the midst of this I am reminded that we must live to the fullest and not waste the life that God has given us. As Marcus Aurelius said “Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.”
Losing good people, who care for others, strive for excellence and serve faithfully who are younger than me, is getting old. Senior Chief from what I had seen and heard was a great leader who really cared for her corpsmen and the nursing Staff. She could always be found out among her corpsmen on the nursing units and clinics. She was kind, fair and a caring teacher, coach and mentor to many corpsmen and nurses. Her loss was met with stunned disbelief by those who knew her and who really have not yet fully recovered from the loss of Chief Branum. Her death has shaken all of us who knew her, from the most senior officers and Chiefs, to the most junior corpsmen as well civilian staff. I and most of our other chaplains have spent significant time with our shipmates since this happened.
Senior Chief Hayes-Jones would have had her retirement ceremony on August 28th. She leaves behind two children, her husband and her shipmates. We will have a memorial service for her next week; the date is still to be announced as of this post.
God bless you all and take care of each other as we once again walk through the valley of the shadow of death.
Peace, Steve+
Filed under healthcare, Military, Pastoral Care
“You can observe a lot just by watching” Yogi Berra….How PTSD has made me a lot more Observant
I love Yogi Berra quotes. Somehow so much of what he said, even most of the things that he never said really resonate with my warped mind. Somehow the illogical logic makes sense and I stop and say, damn…why didn’t I think of that?
I quote him here because it is absolutely amazing how much more observant I am in daily life having served in Iraq and come home with a nice case of PTSD, a bit of anxiety, hyper-vigilance and insomnia. I used to fret about the PTSD, anxiety and the rest of the stuff. It did bother me and I guess it still does, but the insomnia gives me time to write and the hyper-vigilance really helps on the Interstate Highways of the Norfolk, Virginia Beach and greater Hampton Roads metro area.
Now I have been noticing this in the past month more than even at the height of my crash. Back then I had all these things but was way too gooned up to even figure out what they meant. I was talking with my Vietnam Veterans of America buddies Ray and John the Beer Men the other night at Harbor Park. They man the beer stand behind home plate that sells Gordon Biersch Märzen and Bock, Yuengling Lager, Shock Top, Miller Lite and Micholob Ultra. I of course will have either the Märzen or the Yuengling depending on my mood, since the Märzen is a premium beer you get less of it for the same price. Anyway I digress….I was talking to these guys, both of who served in Vietnam about how much more aware of what is going on around me than I was before. And it seems that although I seem to be doing better most of the time that I am more geared up than I was a few months ago. I am noticing everything and when I’m driving I can sense the danger of the idiot driver careening across four lanes of traffic not signaling and talking on a cell phone while eating a hamburger even before I see him. This was the case on my way home several times this week. I could sense things going on before they happened. It used to be prior to Iraq that Judy would see or sense these things before I ever would; now the foot is in the other shoe. Ray and John tell me, as does Elmer the Shrink, that this is a normal reaction to perceived danger. Now I do understand his intellectually, I have read books and gone to seminars about PTSD and Combat Stress at the same time what is going on still makes me think. I was telling Ray and John, half-jokingly that it was almost like “using the force.” I mentioned to Judy and a friend that it almost seemed that I could drive with a blindfold and still get through safely like the Jedi train the Padwan’s to do. Of course I am not stupid and will never try this out unless perhaps I buy an x-box or wii with a driving program and do it in the comfort of my living room.
In a CH-46 over Al Anbar in a rare day flight
So with the hyper-vigilance I am in the zone so to speak. My mind and body feel more closely connected than ever before. I notice changes in my body, hear better and am alert to anything. Now lately I must be even more spun up than before and I don’t rightly know what is causing it. I will have to go down and discuss this with Elmer the Shrink. The part that is different now is that my spunuppedness now includes a pretty good startle reflex. This is new, I had a bit of one probably since I was halfway through my tour, and now it is much worse. So I’ve been thinking about how my dad came back from Vietnam. Before he left he was pretty intense but he could relax. Unless he was really provoked he seldom got angry.
After he returned from his Vietnam tour and then deployed again for 11 months barely five months after his return from Vietnam he was way different. He was much more angry, drank heavily, and his startle reflex was out of this world. He would talk about being “nervous as a cat.” He never talked to a pastor or therapist about anything, never re-connected with the people that he served with and did not go to veteran groups for any real socialization. He seldom talked about his experiences and when he did he shared little. I think I can understand why now, the thoughts, feelings and sensations are intense and often unnerving. Sometimes they are downright frightful. Maybe that is why it is so hard to get to sleep.
I have become very aware of surroundings as well as myself and that has made me better at my vocation as a chaplain and Priest. I notice body language, eye movement, choices of words as well as non verbal cues when talking with a person and I can sense things going on in ways I could not have done before. So I observe a lot more simply by watching and I hope that I have not contributed to any lack of miscommunication by my readers tonight in writing about this rather surreal subject.
Peace, Steve+
Post Script: The Tides might be getting things back together, they won their third straight and are back to 2 games behind the Wild Card Gwinnett Braves and 3 games behind Division leading Durham.
Filed under Baseball, iraq,afghanistan, PTSD, vietnam
Going to War: This isn’t Kuwait it’s Tatooine
Camp Virginia aka Tatooine
Note: This is installment eight of my series “Going to War” which chronicles my deployment to Iraq working with our advisers to the Iraqi Army and Security Forces in Al Anbar Province. To see the others in the series go to “categories: and click on the “Tour in Iraq” link.
We flew from Leipzig to Kuwait. Flying into Kuwait in mid- afternoon is an interesting sight. The azure waters of the Northern Arabian, or the Persian Gulf, the terminology depends on who your Ally is, hug the coast where Kuwait City, a sits ensconced at the tip of the Gulf. The azure waters and the almost overwhelming sand that predominate this area of the world stand in stark contrast. The city itself, full of modern luxury hotels, home of business and oil conglomerates and resorts for those who can afford them, seems a foreign intrusion. The brightness of the sun reflecting off of the concrete of the tarmac was nearly blinding to us and I was very thankful for my sunglasses. The aircraft taxied to its position and as the door opened the heat rushed in. We deplaned and walked single file in the searing heat with our covers removed to a line of white tour buses of various Asian and European manufactures. Drivers, guest workers from India, Pakistan or elsewhere on the sub-continent or eastern Africa sat in them or stood beside them smoking or talking with one another. Our bags were moved to waiting tractor trailers and a small shaded area was close by where liter bottles of drinking water and MREs were available for any who wanted one.
We were loaded onto the buses for the trip to our in processing station where our ID cards were scanned and we officially entered the theater. If you have never ridden on a tour bus manufactured in a country us than the United States they are not quite designed for people of our more fully shaped asses and longer legs. This means that unless you are short and twig like that you will be rather cozy with the person sitting next to you, especially if they are well fed. Thankfully Nelson and I were together as usual and since neither of us are terribly large, though I might be referred to as “stocky” and we watched in almost horrified fascination as rather some rather large folks squeezed in together. Since we were pretty hot and sticky and previous busloads of rather stinky people had left their stench on the seats before us, the odor in the buses was rather strong and vibrant. Unfortunately my allergy medicine cocktail of Allegra and Flonase allows me to smell the stink. 15 years ago I would have not noticed the smell because of what were then severe allergic symptoms when exposed to things like…. let’s say…dust. Lots of that in the desert, and there is plenty of dust in Kuwait. But this time for me there was no escaping the smell. It took a couple of hours going at what seemed to be an ungodly slow pace to get to what is known as Camp Virginia, a place which bears little resemblance to any locale in its namesake, save for the McDonald’s sign which lit the food court area since it was now night. Tents with plywood floors were our quarters and large air conditioning units on each end of the tent were used to try to cool it down. We got our gear off of the baggage trucks and did the “Sea Bag Drag” of our gear into our tents. This was no easy task, we all had three sea bags or their equivalent all packed with a deployment’s worth of gear. One thing about going to war as opposed to flying commercial is that you are often the baggage crew as well as your own “Skycap.” The smaller and older you are the bigger more painful the load seems. I was in better shape than many of my fellow sailors because of consecutive tours with the Marines and EOD, but three massive bags, a 3 day pack and case for the computer that I had been issued by EOD for the trip combined with the heat and the effects of our extended trip to get across the pond had kicked my ass.
Camp Virginia
The time we spent in Kuwait accomplished a number of things. It allowed us to get acclimatized to the region. It also was a place where we completed various administrative and training evolutions including a couple of days on a place in the middle of the fricking desert called the Buehring Range complex and specifically an inhospitable site known as the Udari Range.. I think that Buerhring is named for an Army Soldier killed during the war. I’m sure that he was a gallant soldier, but the Navy does far better in naming things for our heroes, we name ships after them, or nice buildings, not a hellhole in the desert. I do hope that the Army will decide to name something nice for him someday. It kind of remeinds me of the movie The Green Berets where one of John Wayne’s sergeants asks for a latrie, or “privvy” to be named after him.
Udari is a live fire range where more advanced weapons skills are taught as well as convoy procedures and IED drills which are as realistic as you can get outside of hte real thing. It also forces you to realize that danger is not far off, Weapons are carried at all times, security forces man checkpoints, guard posts and patrol the area, buses and convoys are escorted by armed vehicles. Despite the creature comforts provided on Tatooine by the US Government it is still both a harsh and inhospitable place as well as a dangerous place. The MREs, heated by the oven like heat were more tasty than usual, a culinary delight if you may. We only had a couple of heat related casualties while there and lost a Air Force sergeant to renal failure for which he was evactuated to the States, but apart from that the training was uneventful.
Udari Range August 2007, about the time I went through
I am convinced that Buerhing and Camp Virginia are actually not on this earth and that they are actually the planet Tatooine, the home of Luke Skywalker and his trusty droids R2D2 and C3PO. I have seldom seen a more desolate and God forsaken place on earth, even in New Jersey. Thus somehow we must pass through some interspatial portal while driving from Kuwait City to Virginia and Buerhing, possibly like a “wormhole” in Star Trek. Temperatures while we were there were 130 degrees plus in the heat of the day and the lows were in the cool 90’s. It was so hot that the air bubbles in my Nike 180’s melted and lost their bounce, becoming compleely flat. Likewise the glue on my Blackhawk boots melted and the soul began to separate from the boot. Thankfully it took a while for it to get really bad and my e-mail to Blackhawk netting me a new pair of boots with their apologies once I arrived in Iraq. I wrote Nike but got no response. Everywhere one looks there is nothing but heat and sand. Yes, you can see the heat. I am not making this up. As on Tatooine, Camp Virginia hosts a remarkably diverse transient population from numerous countries. Some of these are from former Soviet Republics such as Georgia. There was a Georgian Brigade processing through on its way to Iraq that was like a hoard of Jawas. 2,500 Georgian soldiers including female troops who we were informed served as ‘comfort women” for the Georgian men were everywhere, the Post Exchange, Chow Hall, or as the Army calls it the DFAC as well as the gym, the MWR computer room and food court. Of course I do not begrudge any ally a meal, a bed and a place to stay but the Georgians descended like locusts. If you got to the PX after them it was empty. Nelson and I would almost race the 500 meters to the Chow Hall to get in line ahead of the Georgians. They were amazing; they filled their plates higher than Bluto Blutarsky (John Belushi) in the movie Animal House. Breakfast was especially amusing from my point of view. They would have eggs, bacon, sausage, grits, topped with pancakes and waffles covered in syrup and two to three donuts stacked on top. All of this on one plate. I am sure that when these soldiers returned home to Georgia that its obesity rates spiked in a rather remarkable manner. The lady that ran the internet café constantly chased them off of porn sites, even the women. In addition to the Georgians we had Brits and Aussies, Poles, South Koreans, Brazilians and a number of other nation’s soldiers passing through on their way to various places in the Middle East, but it was the Georgians that I remember most.
The other two chaplains, Kyle and Rick and I ensured that spiritual and emotional needs were met during the stay, for me this was usually with sailors who would pull me aside informally just to talk or ask for prayer or advice. There is something about the final stage of a journey into a combat zone that pulls at you as you think about what might be faced on the other side. Since most places in Iraq were still pretty sporty with huge numbers of attacks and many personnel killed or wounded, even in supposedly “safe” areas. Kyle and Rick would remain in Kuwait to run the Warrior Transition program while Nelson and I loaded our gear prepared for our flight into Iraq.
Padre Steve at the Udari Range
Eventually we competed a very good cycle of training at Buerhring and Virginia and once again loaded our gear on trucks, made accountability checks, got our signed copies of our orders and headed off to a joint Kuwaiti and US Air Force Base for our flight to Baghdad.
Filed under iraq,afghanistan, Military, Tour in Iraq
Flooding! Flooding! Flooding! When Water pours from the Ceiling and Padre Steve Gets to Write a Sports Blog
Padre Steve: Soon to Be Sports Blogger…Could it lead to the Big Leagues?
This has been an interesting few days. I got a chance to get some rest over the weekend, saw some baseball games, spent time talking to Chicago Cubs and a Philadelphia Phillies scouts on different nights, spent some time talking with Tides Pitchers David Pauley and Radhames Liz in between innings. Both are interesting folks, Pauley and his wife just had a baby and Liz is one of the few pitchers in the Major League 100 mph club. Both are nice guys and I hope that both do well. I think that Radhames has a good chance; he seems to have his control back and can throw a ball of fire. Last night I went to the game and had almost my full cast of characters in place. Elliott the Usher and I had our usual running commentary during the game, Barry the Scorekeeper was back after visiting his family and going to a wedding over the weekend out of town. Chip the Usher was in his appointed place, Marty the Card Dealer, Mandy the Tides Store Manager who by the way is leaving us for another job, congrats but you’ll be missed kid. Ray and John my Vietnam Veteran of America friends who pour the beer behind home place had just returned from the organization’s national conference. The only person missing was Kenny the Pretzel Guy. Heck I even had my buddy Elmer the Shrink as a guest. It was a great night even though the Tides lost. Today I was able to see the score in between patients and the Tides won 8-7 to split the series with the Chiefs.
I came in to work this and got my usual large 24 ounce coup of Southern Pecan coffee with 4 French Vanilla creamers and four packs of Splenda from Pat down at the Dancing Goat. I got changed, did my duty turnover and got busy, but not nearly as busy as last week. It has been a good day, some good ministry, a lot of hard work doing some writing for our residency program and some nice times on the wards with some great people, staff and patients alike. However, in between rounds of my ICU a coworker ask to talk to me about helping with a project that she is working on. I went to my office and when I opened the door I saw water spreading out across my lowest bidder carpet. I look up and the words “oh crap” or something synonymous passed through my lips. My ceiling tile near the sprinkler system was sagging down, water coming at a steady drip from it as the tile itself was cracking under the weight of the water that it had soaked up. Now this is not the first time this has happened, last time it happened after hours and was a soggy mess, the rotten tile looked like really bad oatmeal gone really bad. I was not impressed so immediately I put in a call to facilities saying “I need you guy’s STAT, my ceiling is leaking and looks like it about to crash.” It took a while for the guys to get here and when they did they looked up and said, “Sir move all your stuff, this could get ugly.” I already had moved almost everything to the high ground and rapidly moved the last box. He brought down the tile and oh what a mess. Fortunately after they looked they knew where to go to fix the problem, now I only have some residual drips from the insulation around some ductwork. Thankfully that is done and hopefully by tomorrow my ceiling is fixed and I can arrange to have my carpet cleaned by our housekeeping folks. Praise God for Grace the lady who cleans my office and waters the plants that would die if not for her great work. She found a second garbage can to put in the middle of the room to contain the residual drips from the ceiling and vacuumed the crap from my floor. It appears that the Deity Herself ensured that things broke my way in what could have been a nasty mess.
The past week was also interesting as I have two opportunities to do some blogging as a Sports blogger. Maybe it will be a step to being on ESPN’s Around the Horn, sitting next to Woody Page. Who can tell right? Evidently my stuff is getting seen and at least some folks like it. I have been invited by the Virginia Pilot, our local Virginia Beach, Norfolk and Chesapeake newspaper to have a blog dealing with Baseball, general sports and life. I was approached last week by the Most Valuable Network an independent sports network located at www.MVN.com to do something similar for them. I received approval from my boss and legal to go ahead. These blogs will be up by the end of the week or maybe the weekend. I will post the links to the stories on these sites to this site. The blogs will primarily focus on baseball and life and will likely on MVN be entitled The View from 102, The Church of Baseball. The Virginia Pilot will likely be Padre Steve’s View From 102Baseball Life and Faith. Once they are set up I will post the links here. The articles will all be sports and life related and will occasionally delve into the heretical sports of football and basketball and will not be located on this site which will remain fully up and running as it does now.
Peace, Steve+
Filed under Baseball, Loose thoughts and musings
I Think I Feel a Sermon coming on…How Some Churches Stopped Caring and the Neglect of Pastoral Care
“When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?’ He said to him, ‘Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Feed my lambs.’ A second time he said to him, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ He said to him, ‘Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Tend my sheep.’7He said to him the third time, ‘Simon son of John, do you love me?’ Peter felt hurt because he said to him the third time, ‘Do you love me?’ And he said to him, ‘Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.’ Jesus said to him, ‘Feed my sheep.” John 21: 15-17
“Take care that you do not despise one of these little ones; for, I tell you, in heaven their angels continually see the face of my Father in heaven.” Matthew 18.10
Back when I was doing my Clinical Pastoral Education Residency at Parkland Memorial Hospital I was astounded to hear my pastor make a comment which I think was one of the most heartless that I have ever heard said from a pulpit. The church was a large and trendy Evangelical-Charismatic Church which I had attended throughout seminary and had ordained my in October 1991. The Pastor was recounting an incident where one of our members had been critically ill in hospital and had not been visited by him. After the parishioner was released from hospital he asked the pastor: “How sick do I have to be for you to visit me in the hospital?” The pastor told us his response: “Sir, you don’t want to b e that sick.” The congregation laughed at the pastor’s story and he went on to talk about how he and other senior pastors should not be doing that kind of work because it “distracted them from bigger Kingdom tasks.” You see according to the pastor the care of sick parishioners did not contribute to the “growth” of the church and thus was a “distraction and better left to others.” The comment struck a raw nerve now that I was dealing with the suffering and death every day of people who had been abandoned by the churches and pastors. I lost all respect for him as a man and pastor during that sermon. The words of my Philosophy of Religion Professor at Southwestern Baptist Seminary Dr. Yandall Woodfin said: “You have not done Christian Theology until you have dealt with suffering and death.” This pastor had stopped doing Christian Theology in order to be an “Apostle” and CEO. He was “growing” the church and managing programs, but had for the most part stopped caring as in being a pastoral care giver.
Now this pastor is not alone and nor is the issue confined to Evangelical or Charismatic churches. The trend has has found its way across the denominational spectrum. Sometimes this is by design as is the case of the Mega-churches. Pastors of mega-churches are for all practical purposes CEOs of large organizations and have a multiplicity of specialized staff, but often which do little for pastoral care. Sometimes it is by default in cases such as the Roman Catholic Church. Here the ever worsening shortage of Priests is forcing the closure of smaller parishes and the increase of large parishes with a corresponding decrease in what Priests can do for their people. Even very good Priests cannot keep pace with the demand of both Sacramental needs as well as pastoral care. No matter if it is by design or default the result is similar. The least, the lost and the lonely those “lambs” that Jesus talks about who need care and feeding are shunted aside. In one case, that of the Catholic Church it is simply a lack of Priests, Deacons and Sisters to provide this care. The other is more troubling as the focus of the church is growth, sustaining numbers, programs and buildings. This requires that pastors spend their time with members who can supply the vast financial need that those plans require. I have seen this in numerous congregations across the spectrum, which sometimes as was the case at a church that I attended in Florida results in a financial meltdown and collapse of the congregation, many of whom gave up and went elsewhere when the extent of the scandal became known. Likewise the ripple effects that this caused in the denomination were like a Tsunami, it was disastrous and the church is still in recovery mode. Going back to my pastor back when I was in residency I got the feeling that had he been the shepherd in the Parable of the lost sheep (Luke 15) that he would have let it go as hunting for it might have distracted him from the others.
When I was in seminary there were quite a number of my fellow students who chafed about having to take courses on pastoral care. I remember friends and fellow students complaining that what they needed were more “practical courses” such as “church growth, evangelism and Sunday School program management.” Course such as Pastoral Care were seen as a bother and distraction. Not to mention academic courses such as Systematic Theology, Philosophy of Religion and Church History. One friend talked about his Master of Divinity only having a “shelf-life of 5 years” because what he learned would be outdated.
Well in a way he was right. His focus was on classes that dealt with programs and methods of church growth, programs and management. From that perspective his degree would rapidly be obsolescent as soon as the next trend in church growth came along and everyone jettisoned the last method in favor of the new. With the ubiquity of the Mega-church which unlike the Leisure Suit is not going away anytime soon. The rise of the “Superstar” Pastors such as Bill Hybels, Joel Osteen and Rick Warren and the proliferation of massive “Ministry Media” conglomerates and stand-alone television ministries are actually dangerous to the vitality and health of the Christian Church in the United States. They propagate methods which have the sole intent of getting people into church or giving to a ministry and keeping them there, doctrine, worship, sacraments or ordinances, and pastoral care of the least, lost and lonely be damned. The methods are pragmatic and impersonal. Numbers and crowds define expertise, credibility and worth. The bigger the church the better the church, it’s that simple.
Unlike others who pick these ministers apart for their theology or business practices my problem with what is happening is what happens to regular people in these large and often very impersonal churches. It is easy for people to get lost, forgotten and when they are going through difficulty abandoned when the church stops making a conscious effort to do real pastoral care and focus purely on the programs which lend to growth. Often the substitute for pastoral care is found in the home cell group, or care group or whatever cute name a church can pin on a meeting at a member’s house. The cell groups have a noble intention. They attempt to build community in an otherwise very impersonal organization. There are some really good things that can come out of healthy home groups as well as long lasting friendships. We have a couple from our time in San Antonio that is still a very real part of our lives, they showed us genuine love and care and we remain friends. Of course this couple had an advantage over most home group leaders; he was a Clinical Social Worker by trade who was heading off to seminary. Most home groups are not that fortunate. At the same time there are unhealthy groups which are led by people who are poorly trained and equipped to deal with broken people. The good group leaders recognize their limitations and try to get help for those who are really hurting. Others who do not know their limitations end up abusing these dear lambs of God. Often this is because sick, depressed or lonely people take too much time, are too needy, or that their problems don’t match up with their church theology. We know this from personal experience as my wife suffered from a number of ailments throughout seminary and we were going through tremendous health and financial difficulties and in some places we felt cast aside and like we did not matter. We were fortunate that some people did care and we did make it through, however it was not something that I would ever want to repeat. I have heard similar stories from hundreds of people that I have come across in my life and work over the years. Another thing some churches do is to either add a “Christian Counseling” program or refer members to “Christian Counseling” services instead of doing pastoral care. In a sense it is the outsourcing of one of the most vital missions entrusted to a church, the pastoral care of the flock of God.
I don’t care what you call it, but any church which has multiple services of several thousand or a major service of close to 20,000 as occurs at Osteen’s Lakewood Church is no longer focused on caring for people but sustaining their growth and market share. I remember reading Charisma Magazine back in the mid-1990s when I still read it regularly about a church in North Dallas that has a period of incredible church growth in which it grew from 1,200 members to well over 7,000. In the article the pastor touted the church programs which drew people to the church. What the dirty little secret which was not mentioned was that two exits south of this church a Mega-church of some 10,000 members imploded when the Pastor, one Bob Tilton got caught doing some pretty bad stuff. This church despite its claims of great programs simple picked up about 6,000 of these people because they were close by and a similar type of church.
All of this is dangerous as to its impact on people. One only has to look at the latest Barna Polls about what is going on in churches to see that these large churches are alienating people even as they grow. People come, but others either burn out trying to keep pace with the manic pace of programs proliferated by these churches or they get lost in the crowd and forgotten. I meet a least a person every day who is a displaced Christian, often hurt, lonely and broken, not only by what they have experienced in life, but by the cold emptiness that they feel when a church surrounded by thousands of people who don’t even know their name. Some churches do recognize that people have issues that need to be addressed and have in-house “Christian Counseling” programs or refer members to “Christian Counseling” services. I think that there certainly is a place for clinically trained therapists in the life of a church; however this is not really pastoral care, even when they use “Biblical” methods. In a sense it is the outsourcing by pastors of one of the most vital missions entrusted to a church, the pastoral care of the flock of God to others, in a sense, “hirelings.” Again my issue is not with the therapists or Christian counselors, but rather pastors who refuse to do pastoral care as part of their ministry.
Ultimately it is people that are important, even those who are not rich, powerful and who have problems that don’t fit nicely into theological boxes or paradigms promoted by church growth experts. It is high time that churches start reclaiming one of the most vital missions given by Jesus to his Disciples, to care for the least, the lost and the lonely. The onus for this falls on pastors who cannot simply outsource one of their primary missions as given by Jesus himself to others. If pastors do not set the example of being caring pastoral care givers, it will not matter that they are supposedly “empowering” laypeople to do ministry. Instead it sends another more ominous message, that if it is not important for the pastor, why should it be important to me? Every member of the church at some time goes through a crisis when their faith, family, health or vocation. Sometimes these are not isolated events but rather prolonged periods of anguish, as what Saint John of the Cross described as “the Dark Night of the Soul” where it seems that God has even abandoned the person. Unfortunately people in this situation are often abandoned by their church as things fail to improve. Despairing they become the lost sheep whose shepherd has abandoned. This is the hardest time for pastoral care, the times where we as pastors are called to stand with someone as Mary the Mother of Jesus did at the Cross, just simply being there though nothing else can be done.
Now do I understand that the demands of running a large church can be sometimes become such that pastors have difficulty making time for pastoral care? Of course I understand this, at the same time pastors, even those who function primarily as pastor-teacher/CEOs still have the responsibility of caring for people, not simply administering programs and preaching. Pastors need to set the example of care for people, real people, the regular Joes and Jane’s who populate their pews, by their books and give to their ministry, even if it is only in small ways, not just the super-givers or the wealthy and powerful. James’s “right strawly epistle” (Martin Luther’s words) has much to say about favoring the rich and powerful and neglecting the poor and seemingly insignificant people hanging about the peanut galleries of their large “Worship Centers.” Even if the pastor has limited time he or she must be about the flock, or they will forget what the needs of the flock really are and instead of the People of God, the lambs who Jesus says to care for they will simply be the consumers of a religious message who we have to keep coming back to keep the operation going.
My sermon is over and I do hope that there will be more “amen’s” than calls for burning me as a heretic.
Peace, Steve+
Filed under Pastoral Care, philosophy, Religion
Shameless Plug for the Abbey Normal Abbess
The Abess of the Abbey Normal, my wife Judy has posted an incredibly powerful article to her site entitled “You can’t always go home again, but sometimes you stumble upon something pretty close….” I was blwon away by it and found that I had some tears in my eyes. The link is here:
Peace, Steve+
Filed under Loose thoughts and musings
The Most Exciting Play in the Game- The Electricity of the Inside the Park Home Run
Jeff Fiorentino Connects in July against Charlotte
There is nothing in the world like a home run. From the crack of the bat there is a sudden silence and then, if you are the home team a deafening roar as the crowd reacts to the ball sailing over the fence. Now home runs like this happen every day in baseball, but the “in the Park” home run is something special. You don’t see many of them. Thus when they occur, the effect on the team and the crowd is electrifying. I saw my first inside the park home run tonight as Jeff Fiorentino of the Norfolk Tides hit a tailing line drive to left field which eluded Syracuse Sky Chief’s Left Fielder Jorge Padilla. The ball then went to the wall where it was picked up by Padilla . Fiorentino raced around the bases nearly overtaking Tides Second Baseman Justin Turner and easily beating the relay in to catcher Jhonatan Solano. Fiorentino also scored a run in the first and singled in a run and later scored what turned out to be the winning run in the 8th giving him 2 hits, 4 RBIs and 3 runs scored and took his average up to .330 on the year moving into third in the International League. The Tides won the game against the Chiefs 8-6. The highlights of the game including Fiorentino’s home run are here:
In the park homers are rare and most of the ones hit in baseball history came during the 19th Century Era or the “Dead Ball Era” between 1901 and 1919 during which ballpark outfields were much deeper and more spacious than today’s parks meaning that if a ball got by an outfielder there was a good chance that a batter could get around the base paths and score. In the modern era Hank Aaron had only one. A few players have hit them, but they are so rare as to be called “the most exciting play in baseball.” Just to give an example of players in the “500 Club” who have hit inside the park homers, Babe Ruth has ten, Willie Mays six, Barry Bonds and Ken Griffey Junior three each, Sammy Sosa two while Harmon Killebrew and Hank Aaron each have one. Other players to have hit them in recent years include Emilio Bonafacio who hit one on opening day, Howie Kendrick of the Angels who hit one on May 9th and Carl Crawford hit one in Tampa Bay on July 20th. Only one has been hit in an All-Star game and that by Ichiro Suzuki in 2007 at AT&T Park in San Francisco. Roberto Clemente has the only “walk off” inside the park grand slam. The last by a Norfolk player was in 2005 by Anderson Hernandez.
Here is a video link to Tigers Curtis Granderson’s 2005 inside the park homer against the Yankees: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcRaYNtbANA
As I said this was the first inside the park home run that I have ever seen and it was simply an amazing thing of beauty to watch. Patently the Deity Herself ensured I got to see one of these just as I had seen a no-hitter back in 1975. I had been up talking with Elliott the Usher about strategy, players and baseball trivia when Jeff Fiorentino came up to the plate in the bottom of the 6th. I told Elliott that I had to go down to get a picture so I went down by my seat and crouched down in a good catchers stance to stay low and balance myself behind the screen at home plate as I always do when talking my shots. The first pitch was a ball so I readied myself for the next. When Fiorentino hit the ball I knew it would drop for a hit, when it got by Padilla I knew that it was extra bases and when I looked up and saw how fast Jeff was running I knew this was something special. I went back up to Elliott the Usher and we did our high five. We had a scare in the 7th when the Sky Chiefs score two that were charged to starter David Pauley, but somehow, despite losing the lead I knew that the Tides would come back. In the 8th they did. Blake Davis had an infield single and advanced to second on a throwing error by shortstop Ian Desmond. He advanced to third on a passed ball. Fiorentino came up again and singled to drive in Davis to tie the score. With Brandon Snyder at the plate Chiefs pitcher Jack Spradlin attempted to pick off Fiorentino but threw wide of the base, Fiorentino alertly advanced all the way to third. Snyder then doubled to score Fiorentino to give the Tides the lead. Melvin Dorta hit a sacrifice fly to right field scoring Snyder. Alberto Castillo came in to close the game sealing the Norfolk win. Sunday evening Radhames Liz (0-2, 6.00) will make his first start for Norfolk since being promoted from Double-A Bowie where he had been sent down to work on control issues in June. Liz has the distinction of being the only current Minor Leaguer to be in the Major League Baseball 100 mph club having done so when called up by the Orioles in 2008. It should be an interesting game.
Peace, Steve+
Filed under Baseball
Blowouts…The Days (or years) you want to forget…But Need to Learn From
How I feel after a blowout
It’s no fun to get blown out in any game or life. Losing sucks no matter how you try to cushion it by saying, “well we almost won” or “gee if only we had…” or “they got lucky, we should have won.” Blowouts on the other hand leave you little to console yourself with. You lose and you lose badly. In baseball this usually means that the other team has shredded your pitching staff and that your defense stinks as fielders make fielding and throwing errors, your pitcher throws wild pitches with men on 3rd and your offense dries up like a West Texas lawn in July. This happened to the Tides Thursday afternoon as they were ripped by Indianapolis 11-3 and it wasn’t that close. Starter Andy Mitchell who entered the game at 9-2 gave up 8 runs in 4 innings work. The Tides hitters didn’t come through after a series of comebacks the previous three games. This happens in the Major Leagues as well. Back on July 22nd the Athletics beat the Twins 16-1; the 18th the Braves beat the Mets 11-0 and back on the 6th the Phillies beat the Reds 22-1. Being on the receiving end of such a whacking is painful. The key is what you do with it. As teams, organizations and individuals everyone will get beaten up once in a while and it takes character and strength to get back out the next day and give it your best when the temptation is to give in to go through the motions and just hope to make it through.
Blowouts in life can come in many ways, health, finances, work situations and relationships. Sometimes they are our own doing and the results of our choices. The times I have had the most problems have often been self inflicted because I couldn’t keep my trap shut when I should have either shut up or found a safe place to vent. In my years in the military and watching baseball I have seen a lot of this. Likewise there are people who live on the edge and consistently do things that are known to be illegal or unethical within their organization or sport and eventually get caught. Unfortunately these are not usually the untalented and unmotivated people whose contribution to their team or work environment is to suck up band width and perfectly good oxygen that others could be using to better effect. The sad thing is that those who push the envelope are often the most talented who have natural ability as well as well as an almost pathological need to be the best. One only has to take a look at Pete Rose who though his “sins” were not on the playing field, was things that no Manager should ever do. His attitude about getting caught was an arrogant display of idiocy which disrespected the game that he contributed so much to and soiled his name and reputation. I hope that he will find redemption in baseball, but the onus is on him to make things right. Likewise with the myriad of players from the steroid era whose names and reputations are ruined by playing this kind of game. I am fortunate in that my outbursts did not cost me my career. There are some I am sure that think little of me because of some of the things I have blown up about over the years and if I could do them over I would do them differently. But I can’t go back and change them now; they are a part of the tangled tapestry of my life just above the Mendoza Line.
Tuesday night I had the overnight duty and because we were short staffed due to injuries and people being out the duty pager went off incessantly throughout the day. It was like a day at Parkland without every call being a code, death or trauma. By noon I felt like a pitcher who was having every batter get a hit, every time I turned around I was rushing off somewhere else. It is funny when you have a feeling about how a day is going to go. By noon I knew that this day would be long and painful, just like a game where the opposition scores early and often. By early evening I was tired, but the hits kept coming and by now almost all were cases out of my comfort zone.
I am by nature a Critical Care, Trauma and Emergency Medicine type of Chaplain. I am just wired that way. I will never be a shrink. I have people all the time ask me or even suggest to me that I get a degree in Counseling or even a Doctorate in Psychology. Now I do think that I would be a good diagnostician, but I couldn’t handle what my friends who are shrinks have to deal with on a daily basis, give me carnage and traumatic tragedy any day of the week, but not persistent pitter-patter of psychological problems.
Now by shrinks I mean Psychiatrists, Psychologists, Therapists, Clinical Social Workers and Psychiatric Nurses. I use the term “Shrink” loosely but with great respect and I do not hesitate to consult with them or refer people to them. I don’t know how they live in that world. The maelstrom of mentally mangled humanity that my friends deal with on a daily basis would have me in a rubber room. Thus when I see patients on medical floors I always read their chart and history because if I am going to go in and visit a patient I prefer to know that they are Borderline, Bi-Polar, Schizophrenic, Paranoid, Clinically Depressed, delusional, suicidal or spermicidal before they suck me into their hellish helix of hopelessness. Knowing these things allows me to stay in my lane, offer appropriate support and actually care for them within my limitations because I do actually have a lot of compassion for the mentally ill or those suffering from even temporary emotional problems. Heck I have PTSD and some amount of anxiety so Elmer the shrink has his work cut out. How can I not feel some amount of compassion for those who have even worse situations? Now there are those who may have some of these conditions who are also maniacally manipulative or pathologically putrid who are not only mentally ill but somewhat or even majorly malevolent. These folks get to me, I have little compassion for people who even if they have issues are simply rotten people who get off on inflicting pain, emotional, spiritual or physical on those around them, to include their shrinks.
Tuesday night my blowout continued as person after person presented not only needing to see a shrink but wanting to deal with God and all they got was me. I was beginning to have some words with the Deity Herself about this but was quickly reminded that she loved them too. Thus my approach was pastoral, supportive and compassionate working within my limitations to ensure that they got the care that they needed without mucking it up for the ER staff or the shrinks. So of course I was dealing with delusional Paranoid Schizophrenics and Borderline cases all night long. By the time I trudged up to the on call room a little after 0400 I was exhausted. My ICU pals were getting a good laugh at my expense and at least I could see the humor in it all. The alarm rang far too early and when I made my duty turnover I felt like a starting pitcher who had been run over inning after inning for the entire start. I hadn’t had a night quite like that since my residency at Parkland. After the turnover I met with my Department Head for a few minutes and he simply said “Steven, go home.” Even my normal “I can’t leave I have work to do” way of doing life had to agree. I knew that I was a spent round.
Coming back after getting run over can be difficult and my next day at work I was rested and had a busy but not terribly stressful day and I was back in my element. No runs, no hits and no errors and no Paranoid Schizophrenics left on base.
How teams come back is interesting. After the drubbing that the Tides took on Thursday they jumped out to an early 4-0 lead against Indianapolis. Starter Troy Patton gave up two runs and in the 6th Dennis Safrate came on in relief. Sarfate is down on a rehab assignment for the Orioles and got hit hard by the Indians. The Indians sent 12 men to the plate and scored 9 runs in the 6th off of Sarfate and Russ Wolfe. Down 5 runs and looking at another beating the Tides found it within themselves to score 5 runs to tie the game in the bottom of the 7th. Robby Hammock led off the bottom of the 8th with a double, moved to third on a Carlos Rojas sacrifice bunt and was driven in by a Joey Gathright single for the go ahead and ultimately the winning run. Josh Perrualt got the win pitching 2.1 innings of scoreless relief retiring 7 of the 8 batters that he faced. Jeff Fiorentino had 2 hits an RBI and score 2 runs, Joey Gathright had three hits and the game winning RBI and Victor Diz had 2 doubles and 3 RBIs to help the Tides to victory.
Coming back takes work, no matter what you do. My life, especially the time in seminary until the time I entered the Navy was like a player or team who had a decade of tough seasons. When I came in the Navy I was able to turn things around. For the most part I avoid the things that got me in trouble in those years and I have become a lot more skilled at getting through the bumps that I still face. Fighting back after my post Iraq PTSD collapse has been difficult but things are getting better and my life is coming back into balance. Things that were impossible for me to deal with even a few months ago are starting to become manageable. I am coming back and I think that is the key. Blowouts are no fun and personally I don’t like them, but I am starting to find the takeaways that I need in order to come back. Isn’t that the point?
Anyway, tonight the Tides start a 4 game series against the Syracuse Sky Chiefs the AAA affiliate of the Washington Nationals who have a 55-49 record and are in 2nd place in the International League North. The Tides are now 3 and ½ games out of 1st in the South Division and a game behind Gwinnett for the Wild Card.
Peace, Steve+
Filed under Baseball, Loose thoughts and musings, philosophy, Religion
The Inglorius Padre Steve's World 