There are times that I know that I still have issues. One of those times is when I wake up screaming in the middle of the night. It is a reminder that there are dark recesses in my mind that I do not and may not ever understand. While I may find some of the meaning of these dreams and images through symbols and remembrance of things that have happened in my life they are on the whole rather outside of the world that I try to live in.
Most of the time I do not sleep well. Ever since Iraq my sleep has been mostly troubled and seldom good. However with that being said it is only on rare occasions when images become so disturbingly lifelike that it seems that I am actually in the middle of a real fight and wake up screaming as I attack imaginary intruders. When I am at home this is no comfort to Judy and Molly who are awakened by me attacking the lamp on my side of the bed or some object. When I am away and wake alone up in a cold sweat with my heart pounding I long to be able to feel Judy alongside of me or have our dog Molly come to me and try to make things better.
This was one of those weeks. My sleep has not been good and on Monday I had one of those less frequent but most terrifying of dreams where I was fighting to defend my family against a hostile and malevolent intruder. It is always a similar dream and has haunted me since we were held up at gunpoint outside of Arroyo’s Cafe when it was still on South Center Street in Stockton California back in 1979. It began to surface much more frequently in Iraq and since I returned home in 2008. I love how one traumatic experience can be amplified by new traumatic experiences and how the anxiety related to my experience in Iraq is increased by things that I see happening in this country and around the world. PTSD is such a joy to live with as almost every hour I wake up scanning for the enemy.
I understand from reading that I am not alone in this struggle and veterans that I spend time with often have terrible sleep disturbances related to wartime experience or other trauma. Nearly four years after returning from Iraq I still experience flashbacks during waking hours and sometimes relive my experiences when others tell me of theirs. That is easier to process than what occurs at night.
Thankfully the prayers from the office of Compline do help when the terrors come as does the Prayer of Saint Michael and Saint Patrick’s Breastplate, but even still it is a battle to have restful sleep.
* Save us, Lord, while we are awake,
guard us while we are asleep;
that, awake, we may watch with Christ
and, asleep, may rest in His peace.
Peace,
Padre Steve+
The Inglorius Padre Steve's World 