Author Archives: padresteve

About padresteve

I'm a Navy Chaplain and Old Catholic Priest

July 8, 2009 · 20:45

Sometimes You Wanna go Where Everybody Knows Your Name

The hit long running comedy Cheers set in Boston Bar is something that I have grown to appreciate more and more throughout the years. It comes from the community of disparate people who find refuge in that bar each with their own lives and stories which all intersect at Cheers. The lyrics to the theme song from the show sum up where I sometimes find myself in life, especially coming back from Iraq.

Making your way in the world today takes everything you’ve got.
Taking a break from all your worries sure would help a lot.

Wouldn’t you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows your name,
and they’re always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.

You wanna go where people know,
people are all the same,
You wanna go where everybody knows
your name.

The last verse to the song “Where Everybody knows Your Name” never aired on the show and continue….

Be glad there’s one place in the world
Where everybody knows your name,
And they’re always glad you came;
You want to go where people know,
People are all the same;
You want to go where everybody knows your name.

The need for community is something that I didn’t think that I really needed for most of my life. It took a huge amount of time isolated in the military as well as coming back from Iraq with a nice case of PTSD to realize that I could not exist without some kind of local connection. This is something that when I returned from Iraq I knew that I did not have. For a good amount of time this didn’t matter because I was always on the road or deployed. It is easy to cover up the need for local relationships and community when you aren’t around.

For me this isolation really began when we moved to the Hampton Roads area back in 2003. I was assigned to a command where I was on the road a lot. However I sought to make build relationships with the local mission of my church in our area as well as other local clergy. After a clash with the local idiot masquerading as a priest I was forbidden by the bishop to have any contact with any of his priests or parishes. I guess since that bishop didn’t get my tithe that I didn’t matter. A couple of years later both the bishop and the idiot priest had left our church for happier hunting grounds. So when I came back from Iraq in 2008 I was isolated. I had transferred in October 2006 from a Marine Command where I felt absolutely comfortable to a different command where I was new and about everyone else was going about 95 different directions. The command chaplain who I had come on board under in the larger command had transferred during my deployment, while the one officer that I had developed a relationship with at my new command was deployed a couple of months after me. When I returned from Iraq even my office had been packed up and I had no-where to work from for over a month. My belongings, including many military mementos and awards were crammed into a trailer and it took almost a year to find the majority of them. A couple of items were not recovered. So on the military side I was pretty isolated and feeling pretty down. As I said I had no church ties from my denomination anywhere near me and had not, due to my own pathology and hectic travel and deployment schedule did not establish a relationship with another church until this year. Other friends had transferred over the years and I had one other chaplain in the area that I can call a friend. We have known each other since 1999 and our wives are best friends. Apart from that I was about as isolated and alone as I could get. It was then with my PTSD kicking my ass that I knew after all these years that I needed to be in community and in relationships with people locally. It was no longer good enough to simply check in with guys that I had known for years but who lived far away.

It took a while to get from knowing that I needed something until I was able to get established in a number of places and begin to build my local ties. The first two places were Harbor Park where I see the Norfolk Tides play and the local Gordon Biersch Brewery Restaurant. Harbor Park was something that I went to before Iraq as I love baseball. I was no stranger there, I’ve been around long enough to get to know staff, vendors and ushers and have met the General Manager Dave Rosenfield on a good number of occasions as he walks the concourse among the Harbor Park faithful. However something happened when I came back from Iraq. In most places I could not handle crowds, even going to church at the fairly large Catholic Church where I occasionally attend with Judy who is a member there. It is large and rather busy and since I only know a few people there I get a bit anxious, even though I love the Pastor, Deacons and the few people that I know. However every time I would step onto the concourse at Harbor Park and the lush green field came into view I could feel stress and anxiety leaving my body. Somehow almost magically I am at peace when at a ball game. I felt the same thing even in crowded Major League Parks at San Diego and San Francisco when I made trips to the west coast. When the season ended last year it was terribly difficult as the PTSD and Anxiety, nightmares and chronic pain were still raging. When this season came around and with Harbor Park now on my way home from work I knew that I needed to get a season ticket. I cleared with Judy and for the first time in my life I had a season ticket. Since the season began in April the Park has become more of a place of refuge and place of fellowship with some great people. Seeing Elliott the Usher, Ray and John the Vietnam Vets at the Beer Stand behind the plate, Kenny the Pretzel Guy, Skip the Usher in the section above me, Mandy up in the Tides Store my next seat over neighbor Barry, Barry’s daughter Julie, Tina and her husband, the Judge and others has given me a sense of community that is like a comfortable pub.

The same has been true at the Gordon Biersch Brewery Restaurant has become another place where I feel at home. I think this began with Kira, the choir child from Judy’s Church as well as guys like Mike, John and girls like Kai Ly who been incedible. We began by being frequenters of the dining room but have over the past several months moved to the bar as it is a bit more laid back and we get to know more people. Now the noise can occasionally be a bit much, but the kids who work there are really great to be around. I was just recently inducted into the Stein Club. Both Harbor Park and Biersch were important because even though the people that I met were those in the intersection they were places and people that began to get me back in touch with community.

Another really key part of building community for me is my work at Portsmouth Naval Medical Center. Somehow I am at home in the surreal environment of the ICU and PICU and the great folks who work on those floors. On call I am beginning to feel the same way about our NICU. The relationships formed in these areas as well as with my fellow chaplains have become especially important. My boss and some of our other chaplains have really helped me through some really rough times since I got here as I have dealt with the PTSD and other issues from Iraq. As I have made the adjustment to being back in the hospital setting I realized just how much I enjoyed the challenge of Critical Care chaplaincy, the care for patients, families and especially the staff and residents. I am at home here.

The final piece fell into place a few months ago, that was beginning to worship at St James Episcopal Church in Portsmouth. I had met the Rector (Pastor) of the Parish, Fr John at the hospital as he visited two of his parishioners who were patients in my ICU. We not only met but we became friends and he invited me to St James. Now Fr John is from Nigeria and the parish is predominantly African American, West Indies or Nigerian. The church reminds me a lot of East Side Presbyterian Church in Stockton CA which I attended with Judy. The liturgy while Episcopal is punctuated with familiar hymns and Old Negro Spirituals. The Church itself was founded in the 1890s as a place for African American Episcopalians to worship, Jim Crow being quite strong in those days. When I first went there I wondered about the wisdom of it but I knew that I needed a place to worship outside my little guestroom altar. I didn’t know what to expect, but the folks at St James love worship, music and have enfolded me, a Priest from a different communion into their community and for the first time since I came in the Navy, and certainly since I came back from Iraq I feel a sense of connection with a local parish. One thing that I believe is quite significant is that prior to the Civil War my familyowned slaves in what was then the western part of Virginia. I even met a man from Liberia who has my last name. His family went from the United States, to Canada, back to the UK and then on to Liberia before his family came back to the United States. His brother even serves in the US Navy. I’m sure at one point Cecil Dundas’s ancestors once were owned by some part of my family in Virginia. But we are both of the Dundas family and I think that is pretty cool. Small world.

I don’t necessarily think that I am alone in the search for community. I think for a lot of people they would want to find such a community in church, but from what I am seeing across the denominational spectrum and the move to large churches or mega-churches I am seeing more lonely people who attend church regularly but never feel a sense of family or community. Some of the things I hear from these lonely and disconnected Christians remind me of the lyrics to Abba’s hit Super Trouper:

Facing twenty thousand of your friends
How can anyone be so lonely
Part of a success that never ends
Still I’m thinking about you only

Part of this I think is that many churches have places more value on “Church growth” and programs than they have on people. There has been a shift, especially in larger churches to proliferate programs which take up a lot of time, but don’t foster relationships. Often the senior pastor is unreachable and untouchable in large churches. Someone may get contact with a staff pastor, but often this is even driven down to minimally trained small group or home group leaders. The churches themselves are so large it takes a long time for a new person to get to know anyone. Now large church can do a lot of good, but I do think what they lack is intimacy. Some home groups have this but others are train wrecks full of pretty bad juju. So I wonder if this is a part of the isolation and disconnection of people. Just a thought….

It has take me about five years to get connected in this area. The cool thing now is that there are a number of places where I can go where just about everybody knows my name. Slowly but surely I’m getting better as I get more connected. I now have the beginnings of a community which is rich and diverse, military and civilian and have the blessing of friendship with so many people that that make up the communities of which I have become part. The Deity has a wry sense of humor to take this introverted rugged individualist to put me into community with such a great bunch of people. She had to about throw me under the bus to do it, but I am glad that she did.

Peace, Steve+

Leave a comment

Filed under philosophy, PTSD, Religion

Tagged as Baseball, black episcopalians, bosnia operation, cheers, civil war, community, gordon biersch, hampton roads, harbor park, icu, iraq, norfolk tides, picu, PTSD, slavery, st james episcpal church, where everybody knows your name

July 7, 2009 · 16:24

Implants? On my 13th Anniversary of Being a Priest…What’s up with that?

cantaloupes

I found out today that I’m going to get an implant….and I can’t believe it. And I find out about this on the 13^th anniversary of being ordained as a Priest and I was not a happy camper. The dentist looked at me and told me that the root canal which I had come in to complete would not be possible. This kind of pissed me off, not at him but for the fact that I knew that this was going to happen. Going in to today I knew from the first dentist who examined me two weeks ago that there was only a fifty-fifty chance of saving the tooth, but only a ten percent chance of that. So when the dentist showed me the live camera images of the abyss that used to be the inside of my tooth and the fractures on both sides of the abyss I was not surprised. Not happy, but not surprised. Of course I was hoping and praying that the root canal would be done with and that I would not see dental again until my next exam.

As his team dug around in my mouth the dentist told me that they were going to have to set me up with Oral Surgery to extract the tooth and put an implant in its place. Since my mouth was still full of crap I had difficult time trying to reply. The crap included a rubber dam and its suspension system. I was informed that this was to keep crap out of the abyss and keep it from getting infected. The dentist didn’t say crap, but that is what I inferred. I also had a butt-load of anesthetic aboard. When he asked me the question: “Are you familiar with what an implant is?” I mumbled an unintelligible answer that went something like “yam eh ike marl hmmmn wah” And I kind of motioned over my chest with my hands to try to give as visual but my attempt at communication failed. He said, I’ll wait until we’re done for you to answer and I said “thang u er.” Since my woeful attempt at communication was not understood so I relaxed as best I could for the remainder of the procedure.

steve at dentist

When they were finished the resident had sealed the abyss, removed the dam and washed out my mouth. My mouth, which still hurt some from the work two weeks ago, and the tooth which still had some throbbing as a bit of nerve had survived the first go round caused me some persistent pain even through this morning. This particular tooth had been repaired twice as a child, the first by Doctor Mengele and once as an adult before it erupted two weeks ago. Now after being excavated for the second time in two weeks my mouth felt like a battle zone even with the full effect of the anesthetic.

The dentist then asked about if I understood what an implant was and in my smart assed way said, “Yes, it’s like those things that they put in Mariel Hemingway back in the 1980s right?” The dentist looked at me funny and then, maybe being just a bit older than me then shook his head and started laughing and said “No not that kind of implant.” The resident and the technician being a bit younger than us took a bit longer to get it, and the dentist said, “I saw you motioning with your hands but just didn’t understand the connection.

So I will be getting an artificial root for the old tooth which will be surgically removed possibly under a general anesthetic. I wonder which is worse, enduring a great deal of pain or going under as I am a fan of neither. They say it will take 6-9 months to have the artificial root to be fused into the jaw bone, after which a new crown will be constructed over it. I’m told that the entire process will take about a year to complete. I get my consultation with the Oral Surgeons the middle of August so this story will probably go on in future blog posts in the coming months.

Today is also the 13^th anniversary of me being ordained as a Priest at what used to be the Cathedral of the Resurrection, Life in Jesus Community when it was part of my Church. I am ever grateful to the bishop who ordained me back then, in those days he was a teacher and father. We parted ways when he led his community out of the Church after having his Archdeacon tell me that he was not leaving as the Church experienced a major crisis. While his leaving bothered me it was the deception that I found most difficult and combined with actions of two other former bishops in the church which impacted me in a very personal and hurtful manner which ended our relationship. Since he left I understand that he was removed from the leadership of his community and that the community was not doing well. That saddened me as back in the mid and late 1990s it was a wonderful place where the ancient and modern converged, where hospitality and kindness was shown and people were blessed. I do not know what happened over the years, but it is sad as I cannot go back to the place where I was ordained and have it be the same. When the bishop’s council on ordination recommended that I be ordained I was told by one of the priests said “Steve, you’re home.” Unfortunately only one of that council remains in the church, and that community is no longer home.

891 Christmas Eve in Iraq

Since then I have been blessed. I was ordained on the evening of July 7^th the eve of the Feast of Saint Killian and his companions, an Irish missionary to what is now the German area of Franconia where at Würzburg he was martyred in 689 AD. It was just a few weeks later as a mobilized Army Reserve Chaplain I reported to Würzburg to support the Bosnia operation in my first assignment as a Priest. I lived in town as there was “no room at the inn” on base and since I spoke German I would head downtown in the evenings for Mass at the Killian Dom (Killian Cathedral) as well as visits to many of the other churches. I found it interesting that the occasion of my ordination was the eve of feast of the man responsible for planting the Christian faith in the first place I would serve as a Priest. I feel quite a connection to St Killian as a result of this and whenever I go to Germany I attempt to attend a Mass at the Killian Dom as well as a few steins of Würzburger Hofbrau Pilsner.

Killian Dom Wurzburg Germany

Since then I have celebrated the Eucharist and served God’s people around the world in places that I would have never dreamed. My first Eucharist at sea was on the USS Frederick LST-1184 on Easter 2001, the same ship that in high school Navy Junior ROTC I first felt the call to be a chaplain in March of 1978. I’ve celebrated near the fence line at Guantanamo Bay, all over Al Anbar Province, been a base chaplain and served in units and at sea all over the world. I celebrated my 7^th anniversary celebrating at the ruins of the Martyr Church of Saint Phillip the Apostle in Pamukale Turkey, the site of Ancient Hierapolis.

Today for the first time I spent it in a dentist’s chair. So my mouth feels like a bombed out combat zone, I have the shattered shell of a tooth being held together by a temporary patch and praying that it won’t come apart before it is extricated and I have to wait over a month to just begin talking about the details of how process will unfold with the Oral Surgeon who will perform it. Tonight I will try to eat something soft so as not to tempt fate, drink a good beer or two or three and get ready for work tomorrow.

Pray for me a sinner.

Peace, Steve+

1 Comment

Filed under beer, healthcare, Loose thoughts and musings, Military, Navy Ships, philosophy, Religion

Tagged as al anbar province, bosnia operation, dentists, franconia, guantanamo bay, hierapolis, implants, killian dom, life in jesus community, mariel hemingway, martyr church of st phillip the apostle ruins, oral surgery, ordination, pamukale turkey, priesthood, root canal, saint killian, uss frederick, wurzburg, wurzburger hofbrau pilsner

July 6, 2009 · 21:47

Discerning the Second Coming: The Cubs are the Key

This is a modified re-post of something that I did when I first started posting to this site. At the time I had very few readers and this post was buried so far back that it was pretty much forgotten, except by me. Since the Deity Herself speaks to me through baseball it follows that my eschatology, or theology of the end times has a baseball connection.Since the Cubs are currently in third pace in the NL Central with a record of 41 wins and 39 losses a week before the All Star break having just beat the Braves 4-2 I feel that is appropriate to re-address the topic.

The Creed says of Jesus that “He will come again to judge the living and the dead.” The Creed however does not say how or when. Since many guys with a lot less theological training than me are making mega-bucks writing books about the Second Coming of Christ simply by watching CNN, Fox News and a host of websites and newspapers. I watch these guys vainly trying to match headlines to Bible verses to show why they are right, or at least how to make changes in order to publish another book, I figured why not do this from Baseball.

While Hal Lindsey, Grant Jeffery, John Hagee, Jack Van Impe and groups like the Prophecy Club make definitive statements based on “years of study” of the Scriptures, history and current events only to have to revise those predictions when people and nations refuse to do not as they predict; I prefer not to live my life waiting for Fox News to tell me that Jesus is on the horizon. I remember back in the 1970s when I read Hal Lindsey’s The Late Great Planet Earth and had the shit scared out of me. What was way cool over the years was to see the revisions to the book as the world situation changed. Likewise the new books published by others during the Gulf War and every stinking conflict in the Middle East which basically repackaged the same tripe with slight modifications due to world situation, political change or technological advances. Even worse are the Left Buttocks series by Tim LaHaye whose books and movies sold more copies than People Magazine’s coverage of the death of Michael Jackson

My hair brained theory says that it all comes down to baseball, just as everything else in life. My belief is that when the Chicago Cubs win the World’s Series that we’d better start looking to the East, and pronto.

I’m actually somewhat serious. I have no emotional investment in the Cubs, I’m a San Francisco Giants fan who has a fondness for the Oakland A’s. I enjoyed the hell out of the 1989 NLCS when the Giants won the NL pennant against against the Cubs. I love the Giants, Willie Mays was and always will be the best baseball player who ever lived to me and though far away, and I can name player after player for the team over the years that I admire and I am really pissed at the way Barry Bonds has been singled out while guys like A-Rod and Manny get their wrists slapped and continue to play. Since I am such a partisan Giants fan with no emotional or spiritual attachment to the Cubs, I think that I can honestly say that I am impartial observer of this prophetic event. At least as far as the Cubs are concerned. I hold no personal animus against the long suffering Cubs, they are not the Evil Dodgers nor related to the anti-Christ, unless you are a Cardinals or Brewers fan.

Last year I was actually somewhat concerned that the Cubs were going to see Jesus back into town. The Cubs were a favorite to reach the World Series and maybe win it. They appeared to have the best team in baseball and it was 100 years exactly since the last series that they won. I was worried because as much as I believe that Jesus will come again, I have to confess that I’d prefer he wait until some following generation to do it. The Cubs finished the regular season with a 97-64 record, the best in the National League. The Evil Dodgers swept them in the NLDS ensuring that the Cubs would not make the series and calming my fears that Jesus might come before I could see the Giants win a World Series.

One has to look at history and see all the disappointment that Cubs fans have suffered over the years. Think of the times that the experts said it was the Cubs time. In 1984 they blew a 2 game to none lead in the NLDS and lost to the Padres. In 1989 the Giants took them in 5 games. In 1998 swept by the Braves, Remember the 2003 NLCS against the Marlins? Up in the top of the 8th in game six and then everything fell apart shortly after the errant Cubs fan reached out and caught a foul ball that was almost in the glove of the Cub defender? Swept by the Diamondbacks in 2007 and again swept by the Evil Dodgers in 2008. There has to be something to this. It is too eerily similar to guys like Hal Lindsey and others who keep reading the headlines and predicting Jesus’ return, and when he doesn’t they have to look at the headlines again, wait for another crisis and write another book. Those who follow the Cubs are like followers of the Christian prophecy movement are always disappointed when their playoff prophets are proved wrong again and again.

Thus, all this considered I must be right, there is a correlation between the Cubs and and eschatology. I could be full of crap, but I think I have something here, the Deity Herself I think assures me of this considering her love of Baseball. In the W.P. Kinsella novel The Iowa Baseball Confederacy a young man ventures to the end of a rail spur and ends up transported back in time to 1908 to a place in Iowa where the Cubs were playing an exhibition against a team of local all stars. The game took on mythic proportions, and not to spoil the book, which I highly recommend, it tells of cataclysmic and cosmological significance of the 1908 Cubs.

I guess that to paraphrase Colonel Nathan R Jessup in A Few Good Men “The Cubs playoff defeats while tragic, probably saved lives.” I’ll end here, but to those who expect the Cubs to win the World’s Series you’d better be careful what you ask for…when you are rejoicing that the Cubs finally have won, Jesus may come and spoil your parade.

Filed under: Baseball, Religion | Tagged: Baseball, Religion

1 Comment

Filed under Baseball, philosophy, Religion

Tagged as a few good men, alex rodriguez, anti-christ, barry bonds, chicago cubs, colonel nathan r jessup, dodgers, eschatology, florida marlins, grant jeffery, hal lindsey, jack van impe, john hagee, left behind movies, left behind novels, manny ramirez, michael jackson, milwaukee brewers, nlcs, nlds, oakland athletics, people magazine, san fransisco giants, st louis cardinals, the iowa baseball confederacy, the late great planet earth, the prophecy club, tim lahaye, w p kinsella, world series

July 5, 2009 · 22:51

Manny, A-Rod and Barry: How the Media and Government Selectively Target Ballplayers or Don’t

I love baseball as a game. The Deity herself speaks to me through baseball. While baseball to use the words of George Will is “Heaven’s gift to mortals” it is played, managed and judged by fallen humanity…thanks so much Adam and Eve, you should have gone to the concession stand in the Garden of Eden and got a hot dog and beer and left that that tree that you were told not to touch alone. As the New Baseball Edition of the Bible says: “And God spoke to Adam and Eve saying “Thou mayest eat and drink freely from any concession stand, vendor or restaurant in the park, but thou shalt not eat from the Tree of the Knowlege of Good and Evil, lest you die or otherwise blow the game.” It is my opinion that baseball’s problems can be traced to the failure of the first couple to get this one little thing right.

As a result of the fall we can be assured that while baseball is the chosen sport of the Deity who “in the Big Inning created the heavens and the earth” it will not be perfect in this world. This is readily apparent in the past 7 or 8 years or so of the baseball steroid scandal. There is much blame to go around in this whole sordid affair from the commissioner’s office, to owners, the MLB Players union President Donald Fehr and the players themselves who blocked efforts to initiate tough and fair drug testing managed by them and the league.

Because of the league and players inability to police themselves they opened themselves to machinations of congressional committees led often by congressmen who have to assert their dominance in every aspect of American life. I actually found the inquisitional hearings led by Representative Henry Waxman to be a disgusting overreach of government power directed by people who couldn’t get picked to play on a little league team. The unbridled jealousy of career politicians who haven’t worked a real job in years toward the highly successful athletes was displayed as they dragged player after player before their committee. Congressmen asked them leading questions about the use of substances that were not always illegal setting them up for eventual prosecution of lying to Congress because like in the case of Bonds they gave ambiguous answers to the questions. Now I am not saying that the players were without blame, many set themselves up for this by blatantly looking guilty if they were not guilty of anything. The league and player’s union policies and response did nothing to help the matter and now we sit with what seems to be a never ending circus which harms the game.

My beef with many of those involved is that they do not respect the game. This goes for players, owners, union officials, media, politicians and investigators. This disrespect for the game has reached epic proportions as the hubris of all concerned reached incredible heights. While I could go on and on about this I am going for now focus on the inequitable treatment of the accused players by the media and government which I believe is glaringly apparent in the treatment given to Barry Bonds as opposed to players such as Alex Rodriguez and Manny Ramirez.

Baseball purists are perhaps the most religious of fans. We don’t like it when people mess with the game. The game itself is sacred, thus when players, owners, union people, media or the government do things that we perceive to hurt the game we get just a tad bit upset. Football, Basketball and Hockey players, owners and officials can just about get away with murder and not only remain in the game but become or remain stars who eventually reach their respective Hall of Fame. Baseball on the other hand will take the person who has committed an infraction and like the ancient Israelites cast heavy stones upon their reputation and memory to the seventh generation. Baseball can be a very unforgiving game. The diamond is “holy ground” and the game is to be respected by players, owners, media, government and fans alike. This has not been the case in regard to steroids and other performance enhancing substances including their use by players, toleration by owners and “fishing expedition” investigations by Federal agents and Congress.

This being said in the past six years there has been an inequitable treatment of players accused or proven to have taken banned or illegal performance enhancing drugs or supplements. When Congress, the media and a then relatively unknown IRS investigator named Jeff Novitzky. One of the best commentators on the way that the Bonds investigation and prosecution has been handled, Jonathon Littman notes that the “Clear” that Bonds was accused of using was not illegal at the time that he allegedly used it, but also was not classified as a steroid. Littman notes that

“Experts say prosecutors might have intentionally asked Bonds what they knew to be ambiguous questions – never defining steroids or making a distinction between drugs that were illegal or merely banned by many major sports.”

“This case has been presented as Barry Bonds lying about steroids,” said Christopher Cannon, a San Francisco defense attorney with extensive experience in federal perjury cases. “The government’s theory is that he was taking the Clear. If the government knows the Clear wasn’t a steroid – then when Barry said he wasn’t taking a steroid, he was telling the truth.”

Likewise the manner in which Novitzky has led the government investigation leads on to wonder what the motivation is for the prosecution. There was very little money involved in the BALCO case, those accused or convicted have received very minor penalties, but the investigation which has spanned years has cost the government 55 million dollars. As Littman writes:

“The paucity of illegal profits and drugs raises the question whether prosecutors realized that the only potential for criminalizing the behavior of athletes who took banned substances was to set perjury traps or bait athletes into lying to the grand jury or to a federal agent.

“It sounds like a misuse of the grand jury,” said John Bartko, a former assistant U.S. Attorney in San Francisco who has tried perjury cases. “They go and try to trip the guy into lying.””

Now Bonds may not be the most sympathetic character, but he does deserve to be treated as innocent until proven guilty. Instead the prosecutors and some in the media have gone out of their way to destroy any chance of Bonds either playing again ever reaching the Hall of Fame. He is called a cheater in an era when it is likely that that a large number of players were doing the same thing, without penalty. It seems to me that Bonds has been singled out while others are left alone.

This is nowhere nearly apparent than with the recent admission by Alex Rodriguez that he took steroids, after having previously denied it and the positive test and 50 game suspension of Manny Ramirez for the use of a banned substance, a suspension that Ramirez just completed. A-Rod seems to have weathered his admission and I see no one coming after him while Ramirez’s return punctuated every other game during the day. Neither man received the abuse heaped upon Bonds and they have admitted or actually tested positive for the use of steroids or banned substances.

Having had to administer drug tests as a Army Company Commander I know that the burden of proof is on the prosecutor. The manner of testing and the chain of custody must be impeccable, otherwise allegations are just that and you cannot, unless you want to look like a fool and attempt to prosecute under Article 15 proceedings or Courts-Martial without unimpeachable evidence that a person took a substance known to be illegal at the time it was used, not something that was made illegal after the fact. The Bonds prosecution looks to me like a gross misuse of the Grand-Jury system and government power to make an example of Barry Bonds. If Bonds had been a mediocre player or not hold the records for the all time home runs and single season home runs he would not be a target.

Having said all of this the entire steroid era, especially the actions of the baseball owners, commissioner and players union sullied the game and opened the door to political opportunists like Waxman and investigators who use questionable and likely unethical and maybe even illegal means in order to trip up as suspect, as Novitzky appears to me to have done. Baseball must police itself and both players and owners must subscribe to a fair and clearly defined drug policy that leaves no room for misinterpretation. Maybe they should look to military rules of evidence for such a program which apply to all players equally with both random tests throughout the season which would ensure that every player was tested as well as periodic sweeps of the entire league.

In the case of Bonds and those whose real or alleged crimes now date back six or more years it is time to stop the madness. It is a waste of taxpayer money to continue this sham puritanical inquisition against Bonds while so many others are given a pass. Bonds name and reputation have been destroyed and he has never been convicted of a crime by prosecutors who continually have their evidence thrown out and indictments overturned by judges.

If you want to read more by Littman and his reporting of this go to: http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=li-novitzkythomas031909&prov=yhoo&type=lgns

As far as A-Rod and Manny, they are not going to the All-Star game this year as baseball fans are tired of this kind of behavior. If owners and players will not police themselves those of us who love and respect the game will ensure that they are accorded no honors.

Peace, Steve+

Leave a comment

Filed under Baseball, Loose thoughts and musings, philosophy, Religion

Tagged as alex rodriguez, all star game, article 15, balco, barry bonds, baseball hall of fame, beg sellig, congressional baseball steriods hearings, courts-martial, donald fehr, drug tests, evidence chain of custody, henry waxman, jeff novitzky, jonathan littman, major league baseball owners, major league baseball players association, manny ramirez, steroids, the clear

July 4, 2009 · 23:57

Going to War: Interlude July 4th 2007

This is the second installment of my account of my account of mine and RP2 Nelson Lebron’s deployment to Iraq in 2007.

Our mobilization proceeded the next couple of days as we received our immunizations, were issued DCUs and other clothing needed for the deployment. Nelson and I of course were already well outfitted by our unit, EOD Group Two. In spite of this we drew additional uniforms, brown t-shirts, socks and a host of miscellaneous gear. Thankfully as I have mentioned, EOD had outfitted us well including boots of our choosing, not the standard issue boot being provided to the rest of the sailors. I had a pair of Blackhawks and a pair of Magnum 5.11’s, both much more comfortable than those issued. Wills and powers of attorneys were drawn up by JAG officers, our “page 2s” the record of who we wanted notified in the event of our demise were verified and updated, new dog tags ordered and a myriad of forms filled out, sometimes for the second or third time. In the weeks prior we had completed a fair number of online courses on Navy Knowledge Online to orient us to operations, health and safety issues and for Nelson classes on the M-16A2 and M9 Pistol. The 4^th was a day off, probably more for the staff then for 120 or so of us getting ready to go overseas.

After completing everything we needed on the 3^rd I went home and Judy and I took in the Norfolk Tides game against the Syracuse Sky Chiefs at Harbor Park. Before the game I chatted with Tides General Manager Dave Rosenfield and let him know that I would be missing the rest of the season as I was going to Iraq. Dave is a good guy and since at the time things were not going well, we were experiencing heavy casualties which were being displayed on every broadcast news outlet available to humanity, I could see the distress in his face as he told me to “please take care of yourself and be safe.” My usher buddy Skip, a retired Navy Chief and a number of vendors, Kenny the Pretzel guy and others wished me well. As the National Anthem Played that night I stood at attention, my Tides cap over my heart as the anthem was played. It was one of the most emotional anthems I have ever experienced. It was not that it was sung by a star or even played that well, but it was that I was going to Iraq to serve in an unpopular war, ordered by a once post 9-11 popular President whose star had fallen because of how Iraq was turning out. The war was presented as lost and a disaster and here I was getting ready to go after volunteering to go to Al Anbar Province, the most contested and violent part of Iraq. The surge was just beginning and the Anbar Awakening was yet to be noticed by anyone. Al Qaida Iraq and other insurgents were taking a severe toll in Al Anbar. I had been told by Chaplain Maragaret Kibben that the mission was to get out bewyond the wire when no one was getting to take care of the advisers. I imagined being convoys and my vehiilce being hit, and at the same time still knew that I had to go. Tears were in my eyes as I mouthed the words to the Star Spangled Banner looking at the flag flying above the scoreboard above right center field. Judy stood next to me. It was then that some 26 years of service came down to the real world. Even though I had been to the Middle East numerous times and even served on a boarding team in the Northern Arabian Gulf, this was different. I was preparing to go “into the shit” as my Vietnam era brothers would say. In fact I was going out not with a unit, but as the first Navy Chaplain to serve directly with advisers since that war accompanied by the most prepared assistant in the world. I was pretty sure that I was the most prepared Chaplain for this assignment, I was as ready as one could be for deployment. I was physically ready, in some of the best shape of my life, I had graduated done everything that I could thing to do to be ready. I had even made sure that I read Chapter 5 of the History of Army Chaplains in Vietnam as part of the massive amount of reading that I did for the deployment. Part of this chapter dealt with those men who served in this capacity then. We watched the fireworks show that followed the game and

The Tides would go on to win the game 4-3 and I would go home with Judy. The 4^th was spent continuing to get ready even though I was theoretically off for the holiday. There are always checks and double checks to ensure that everything is just right when you deploy. This was really hard on Judy as she watched me getting ready. When you deploy, especially to a combat zone there is a certain amount of emotional detachment that most couples go through. It is a form of self preservation, you tend not to want to ask or deal with the hard questions of what happens if….

Of course Judy had in the previous months insisted that I take on additional life insurance which I did, just in case I would get schwacked in Iraq. I’m rather superstitious and felt that while this was a good move to protect Judy that it might be inviting trouble for me. We had of course talked a bit about the deployment; I was much more excited than she could ever be. The lot of the military wife in wartime is to endure her husband’s choice to serve their country in time of war. As deployments draw closer the emotional distance widens even as emotions deepen. It is the inverse of what happens when emotions deepen as people come together. That last 4^th of July was one of being alone together even as we went to of friend Pat and Jim’s house for a cook out. Following that we went home and spent a quiet evening before going to bed. My DCUs from EOD hung on my closet door as we turned off the light and spent a fitful night sleep.

Leave a comment

Filed under iraq,afghanistan, Military, Tour in Iraq

Tagged as 4th of july, 9-11, advisers, al anbar province, anbar awakening, blackhawk boots, boarding team, dcu, deployment, emotional distance between couples, eod, eod group two, harbor park, history of the army chaplain corps in vietnam, iraq, m-16 rifle, m-9 pistol, magnum 5/11 boots, middle east, military wife, national anthem, navy knowledge online, norfolk tides, northern arabian gulf, operation iraqi freedom, president bush, star spangled banner, syracuse sky chiefs, vietnam

July 3, 2009 · 23:27

You Don’t Know What You’re Missing Until You Find It: Judy Experiences Real Hearing

This is a very personal post as it deals with my wonderful wife Judy aka the Abbess of the Abbey Normal and very real struggle that she has faced her entire life to hear. Judy was a neo-nate baby back when survival rates were not so good. Her late father used to talk about when she was in the hospital that he overheard two doctors at his place of business talking about the baby girl who wasn’t going to live. But she survived. However, something, God only knows what happened and auditory nerves were damaged leaving her with a serious hearing loss. Her loss is what is known as a “ski-slope” loss. She had a decent amount of hearing in low frequencies. The loss cuts halfway into the speech range and she has almost nothing in the high frequencies. Unfortunately her late parents didn’t pay much attention to things like this and it wasn’t until First Grade that a teacher noticed that Judy could not hear very well and talked funny. She started speech therapy in second grade. It was when she was eight that she got her first hearing aid, and the second one came a couple of years after.

Back in those days, the mid 1960s hearing aids didn’t do much for people with this kind of loss. They basically amplified the noise that they heard and nothing else. So if you had a big loss in the speech range but hearing in the low frequencies you only got more of the low frequencies. It would be like if you removed all the treble from whatever music system you use and just turned up the bass with a bunch of distortion thrown in. Such was the case with Judy for many years. In spite of this she learned to function as much as she could as a “hearing” person. She worked hard in speech therapy to say sounds that she could not hear. By the time that I met in my freshman year of college her many people who did not know her simply assumed that she might be German or some other European transplant. She took German in college did pretty well and became President of the German club. She did well enough to get around and communicate with Germans in Germany using her German skills when we were stationed there. In college she went into the program for deaf students at California State University Northridge. It was there that she became much more proficient in American Sign Language. Since college Judy has continued to get better hearing aids which in almost every instance have allowed her to gain more hearing capability. As this has occurred she has continues to do things that a person with her amount of hearing are not supposed to do. She sings second soprano in her church choir and plays the guitar. All of these things according to the numbers should be impossible for her, but she has developed great speech discrimination despite her hearing loss, but even so still misses a lot.

Now Judy never really knew what she was missing for many years. Every time she got new hearing aids they would be some improvement, sometimes a lot of improvement over the older versions. This became much more dramatic with her first set of digital hearing aids. However, even with relatively recent technology featured in her current set of hearing aids her hearing is only 62% of normal, in other words a 38% loss. This is not bad compared to the 77% loss that she has without them. So even best case she misses a lot and cannot understand things like words to popular songs on the radio or a CD player. She cannot hear much that we in the hearing world take for granted. If she wants to hear she may have to keep the aids up so loud that they cause headaches. Until they developed hearing aids which could be adjusted for directional use in a crowded environment the background noise at restaurant or other public venue would make it very difficult to hear who she was talking to. She cannot hear someone whisper, nor understand if someone turns their back on her as they talk even with her current hearing aids. She has worked her ass off to speak well, sing and play the guitar. She has a good voice; most people do not know just how bad her hearing is because she does well so many things that she is not supposed to do within the parameters of her loss.

It is funny how many Christians, especially Charismatics and Pentecostals have been uncomfortable with someone with this kind of disability around. It seems that many have a hard time dealing with the fact that there are some people who do not get healed. The fact that Judy has suffered with this all her life and never been healed has made our life at times in church rather interesting as people had words from the Lord that she was going to be miraculously healed and often wanted to pray for her, which most of the time Judy allowed them knowing that they meant well and if God wanted to be healed that it would happen. Since we had seen many other miraculous things in our life who were we to limit God? At the same time it was never a problem for us that she was not healed, unless of course she lost the use of a hearing aid. During this time I don’t think that either of us subscribed to this being either an attack of Satan or the will of God. For us it kind of fits in the, well…to put it in the street vernacular “shit happens” category of life, even to good people including Christians. There is something in Scripture talks about the rain falling on the just and the unjust so I think that both of us believe that this is part of the human condition and not something personal on the part of either God or the Devil. Since Judy was a baby when she lost her hearing I have a hard time believing that somehow God caused it or foreordained it. I guess I’m a pretty bad Calvinist or Augustinian huh?

Now I do believe in and seen what I would have to describe as miracles, including a fair amount in our lives. At the same time I do not see these as a daily occurrence. Miracles are such because they are not ordinary daily occurrences no matter how hard we believe and want them to be. Some people for no fault of their own or God’s never get healed, in fact there is a 100% certainty short of the Second Coming, which I believe will be triggered with the Cubs winning the World Series, that all of us will die sometime in our lives, some even more than once, like Cubs fans.

Last week this changed. Judy has a pair of hearing aids with a very new technology that has leveled the playing field. She is now experiencing what it is to really hear for the first time in her life. It has been at times a very emotional experience as she heard certain sounds for the first time, or the nuance or depth of other sounds. Things that she could not do before like understand someone who was not directly facing her, for example someone behind her at a stadium or in the car. Or hear the soft staccato sound of rain water coming down the drain spout, or hearing the shower upstairs from downstairs and understand song lyrics on the radio or CD, and movie dialogue. With each new experience hearing things that she has never heard before and often being so overwhelmed that she starts to cry, she knows that she has crossed the Rubicon and cannot go back. She realizes what she is missing all of these years and and wants to make sure that she never goes without it again.

Her hearing aids are loaners which she has on a trial basis. We are praying that Tricare will approve her new hearing aids, and while I expect that somehow it will work out but Judy is dubious. I keep on telling her like Donald Sutherland’s character “Oddball” in Kelly’s Heroes “Why don’t you knock it off with them negative waves? Why don’t you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don’t you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?”

Now they are quite expensive and we hear from her Audiologist that Tricare seems not to be doing much approving for new hearing aids. Before this was seldom an issue. However for some reason I am hopeful. What has surprised us is that some Christians have suggested finding a way to lose or destroy the old hearing aids to ensure that she gets the new ones. This was shocking because neither of us could do that, even if we wanted to. Now I might pray for them to die, or for the dog to eat them or for Judy to get caught in a sudden cloudburst with no cover so they would short out, but we can’t in good conscience destroy or lose them. Now there is the possibility that one has developed a short after we went to Kira’s outdoor wedding due to moisture accumulation in the heat and humidity. If that is the case and it is dead or dying then the hearing aids may have made the decision for us and that would be a good thing, it might be the first time that I have been thankful for the awful humidity back here. So like a team that is down in the 4^th inning by a big score we can always pray for rain…right?

I do hope that she gets the new aids with no delay or just a minimal one. The difference that they have made in her life is amazing and it is really cool to see how well she is doing with them. I am blown away with every new discovery that Judy makes. You can find some of her thoughts about this at her blog, the Abbey Normal Abbess at http://abbeynormalabbess.wordpress.com/

Peace, Steve+

1 Comment

Filed under healthcare

Tagged as abby normal abbess, audiologist, augustinian, california state university northridge, calvinist, charismatic christians, deafness, divine healing, donald sutherland oddball, giftds of holy spirit, hearning aids, john calvin, kelly's heroes, miraculous healing, neonatal babies, pentecostals, saint augustine, ski-slope hearng loss, tricare

July 2, 2009 · 23:29

Going to War: Reflections on My Journey to Iraq and Back- Part One

Two years ago today my assistant at EOD Group Two, RP2 Nelson Lebron and I began our Iraq adventure. This is the first of a series of posts which will be published periodically to tell our story. While they will not be daily posts, they will be sprinkled in on this site on a regular basis. Hopefully they will be something that will help those who have not been in the remote parts of either Iraq or Afghanistan what it is for Navy personnel to go to war, not as ship’s company, not with their own unit, but as individual augments to other commands. This is a different way to go to war…this is our story.

July 2^nd 2007: I rolled into the parking lot for the Naval Mobilization Processing Site (NMPS) Norfolk. As usual parking on Norfolk Naval Station was a bitch to find. It had been a number of months since I had to make this commute having transferred from the Marine Security Force Battalion where I had served the past three years but thankfully I remembered to leave early because traffic was as gooned up as ever going down I-264, I-64 and I-564 to head into the base. At that point I really missed my designated parking spot back at the battalion.

I looked around and finally found a spot and then after wandering around a bit found the NMPS offices. I walked upstairs to the classroom in which we were to meet was located and found it empty, save for a couple of NMPS staff members. I reported in my DCU’s, or Dessert Camouflage Uniform issued to me by EOD Group Two. They are an older type uniform and unlike the Marine Pattern Digital Camouflage are not wash and wear. I had worn them in March when I went to Jordan for the Jordanian Army/ UN Peace Operations Training Center course on Iraqi Culture, Religion, Politics and Language. In fact until the Marines came out with their digital uniforms they were common to all of the services. I looked around the empty classroom with every table stacked with folders filled with a butt-load of paperwork. I found a spot, not hard to do with so many to choose from and sat down. I took an aisle seat about three rows back and plunked my EOD issue Blackhawk backpack down, grabbed my Book of Common Prayer and did the morning office before anyone else arrived while drinking the large cup of black coffee I had gotten across the street.

Shortly thereafter others began to arrive in twos and threes, most dressed in utilities or officers in khakis. A few Seabees had woodland BDUs on and a couple of folks wore DCUs which were obviously from previous deployments to the sandbox. RP2 Lebron, who I will now refer to as Nelson from this point forward then showed up and we waited for the orientation and administrative stuff to start moving. We surveyed the situation and looking upon our fellow sailors realized that this would be a different deployment.

What we noticed as we talked the varying ranks and uniforms really jumped out at both of us. Most of our fellow sailors had never been deployed even in peacetime in such a manner. Most of those who had deployed had done so on ship with the exception of the Seabees and maybe a Corpsman or two. They spanned the spectrum of age, rank and rating. There were the officers, mainly Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders and Commanders. We also had one Captain. These officers were Line Officers including Surface Warfare Officers and Aviators as well as a number of Doctors and Medical Service Corps Officers and some other Staff Corps officers. The enlisted likewise spanned the spectrum of the Navy. Fire Control Technicians, Operations Specialists, Gunners Mates, Boatswains, Yeomen and Storekeepers, Intelligence Specialists, Corpsmen, and even Culinary Specialists. They had qualifications as Submariners, Enlisted Surface Warfare, Aviation Warfare among others. Some like me and Nelson had volunteered, others were voluntold. The one that brought us all together was that we were US Navy Sailors and going to war, not with the shipmates that we had served with, but with strangers, well except for me and Nelson.

Now Nelson and I have deployed a lot and had served together in Okinawa and at EOD where I did a “drug deal” with his chaplain and the detailer to get him to EOD. The guy is a hero, in the year and a half prior to our deployment he had been deployed to Afghanistan where he as an E-5 was awarded the Defense Meritorious Service Medal. On his way back from Afghanistan he was pulled off of his flight to the states and sent back to his old ship, the USS Trenton to assist in the evacuation of Americans and others from Beirut. I think that he has done about nine or ten deployments now. Unfortunately this has actually hurt his career since the biggest part of making rank as a Navy enlisted man is to do well on the advancement exam. Unfortunately there were many times when he was forbidden to test because he was deployed, and when eventually allowed to test during a deployment was not provided the appropriate materials to study. Even if he had them it would have been difficult since we were always on the road, just as he was in his last four or five deployments.

Nelson is a NY Rican and both a New York Golden Gloves boxing champ, a high school valedictorian, a full contact kick boxer, martial artist, MMA fighter and has fought on Team USA and won last year’s Arnold Schwarzenegger Classic. He is the real deal. Proficient in many weapons systems from his service with the 3^rd Recon Battalion, 4^th Marine Regiment and Naval Special Warfare he is the ideal body guard for any Chaplain going to do the job we had been given to do, to work with Marine and Army advisers supporting two Iraqi Divisions. Our mission would evolve and expand once we got there, but we didn’t know that yet.

As people filed in a Chief Petty Officer brought us to attention, the processing site Commanding Officer came in and spoke with us and then led us in the Sailors Creed. With that we set down and began to get our orientation to how our mobilization, training and movement would unfold as we got ready to go to Iraq.

2 Comments

Filed under iraq,afghanistan, Military, Tour in Iraq

Tagged as 1-64, 3rd recon battalion, 4th marine regiment, afghanistan, beirut, camp zaqah jordan, dcu, deployment, dessert camouflage uniform, eod, eod group two, full contact kick boxing, golden gloves, i-264, i-564, ia duty, individual augmentee, iraq, marine pattern digital uniform, marine security forces, mma, naval mobilization processing site, naval special warfare, naval station norfolk, navy enisted ratings, nmps norfolk, okinawa, peace operations training center, religious program specialist, sailors creed, seabees, team usa, united nations, US Navy, uss trenton, woodland bdu

July 1, 2009 · 17:18

Comebacks in Baseball and Life: 27 Outs- the Baltimore Orioles teach us a Lesson in Life

salazar home run Oscar Salazar being greeted by Nolan Reimold, Matt Wieters and Luke Scott

“You can’t sit on a lead and run a few plays into the line and just kill the clock. You’ve got to throw the ball over the damn plate and give the other man his chance. That’s why baseball is the greatest game of them all.” Earl Weaver

“Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan ‘Press On’ has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.” Calvin Coolidge

Last night something truly remarkable happened and it wasn’t something the latest in a political scandal, natural disaster, or war, coup d’état or international crisis. Likewise no additional entertainment icons died and we have been Michael Jacksoned to death. His death while tragic is now becoming an annoyance as the media and everyone with an opinion about him, his family, his lifestyle, antics or the cause of death chimes in on those subjects. The 24 hour non-stop news coverage is threatening to take on eschatological dimensions. Even so, all of those things happen all the time. They are not for all of the fanfare that remarkable or special be they wars, famine, death of icons, pestilence or scandals. Since they happen all the time they are not that remarkable.

No something much more remarkable happened last night which I am patently sure that the Deity Herself had something to do with. Something that causes us to remember that nothing is ever certain and that almost anything is possible. The Baltimore Orioles set the record for a comeback in a major league baseball game where a last place team came from behind to beat a first place team as well as their team record for biggest comeback set against the Red Sox in 1956.

The Red Sox have been great so far this year. They are in the most competitive division in baseball. The Yankees, Rays and Blue Jays are good teams and the Orioles, though bringing up the rear are showing promise as they continue to build a franchise based on a great farm system producing quality players. They now are tied for the 3^rd best team batting average in the majors at .274 with the Blue Jays and the 9^th best slugging percentage. What has hurt the Orioles has been pitching which is the third worst in the majors and this is slowly getting better as young pitchers developed in the minors are beginning to show up and do good things on the Orioles staff. The Orioles are not expected to be in the race this year, but the overall plan is to be contenders in a season or two.

However what matters now and makes this significant as it is an example of how something that happens on a baseball field can help us in life. The game was delayed by rain delay of 79 minutes in the 5^th inning. At the end of 7 ½ innings the Orioles were down 10-1. It was a game that seemed to be over. After all’ the Orioles had lost their last 8 games, going back to 2008 against the Red Sox and faced several outstanding Boston Relief Pitchers. Likewise, it was not certain that to Sox would not score any more runs. The Orioles pitching staff has not been consistent and the Red Sox have beaten up on the Orioles pitching staff. Things did not look good for the home team. Then something happened. Aubry Huff singled to right to open this inning. Huff was followed by rookie Nolan Reimold, who I have seen play many times this year at Harbor Park, who singled advancing Huff. The Luke Scott doubled scoring Huff. With 2 on and no outs Oscar Salazar, a hard working journeyman who was hitting .378 at Norfolk pinch hit for Melvin Mora. Salazar took Red Sox reliever Justin Masterson to deep left for a three run home run. Felix Pie (Pee-ay) who had relieved an injured Adam Jones drove in Robert Andino for a 5^th run.

The game was now 10-6 as Boston came to the plate in the top of the 8^th. The Red Sox appeared to be getting something going. With runners at 2^nd and 1^st with two out Jacoby Ellsbury hit a single to center. Red Sox catcher George Kottaras trying to score from second was thrown out at the plate by Felix Pie for the third out.

In the bottom of the 8^th the first four Orioles hitters; Reimold, Scott, Salazar and Wieters hit and Reimold scored against Red Sox reliever Hideki Okajima who left the game. Okajima was replaced by Takashi Saito who gave up two more hits to Ty Wiggington and Brian Roberts scoring Scott and Salazar. To quell this Orioles uprising the Sox sent in the ever dependable Oriole killer Jonathan Papelbon who was 20-0 in save attempts against to O’s. Papelbon looked like he was in control when he struck out Felix Pie for the second out bringing up Orioles Right Fielder Nick Markakis who had never had a hit against Papelbon. Markakis hit a double off the left field wall to score pinch runner Jeremy Guthrie and Roberts to put the Orioles up 11-10. In two innings the Orioles had scored 10 runs on 10 hits. Going to the top of the 9^th the Orioles brought in closer George Sherrill who shut down the top of the Sox order to get the save.

It was an amazing game. A last place team that had no recent success against the first place team managed the biggest comeback of such a match up in Major League Baseball history and it was stunning. Red Sox Shortstop Dustin Pedrioa said “It was a weird game, a terrible loss for us. That’s upsetting. Things just kind of spiraled on us.” While Manager Terry Francona said “We just had no answer. We went through everybody. Nothing we did worked.” In the home clubhouse an emotional Orioles Manager Dave Tremblay said “That was probably the best game I’ve been involved in, right there. That was absolutely tremendous. When you talk about playing all 27 outs, that’s tonight.” While Oscar Salazar said something that I think made the difference in the game, mental readiness to step in and play when it looked like the game’s ending was already written in stone. Salazar who came up as a pinch hitter said “You sit on the bench 5 hours with the rain delay, but when they told me to hit, I was ready.” As Salazar stepped to the plate and got ready to hit you could see the look of calm, confident determination that only years of hard work in the obscurity of the minor leagues can bring to a person. A blogger in Boston had a banner headline: PAPELBLOWN and Sox Blow the Biggest Lead in the History of Earth.

Now of course the Red Sox being an excellent baseball team got their revenge at Camden Yards today, scoring 4 runs in the top of the 9th to tie the Orioles and go on and win in 11 by ascore of 6-5. This being said they are the Boston Red Sox and as much as I have hope for the Orioles, the Red Sox are at this place in the space time continuum the far better team.

So here are the life lessons that I drew from this game. First, no matter how bad things are you still have to keep playing. I know this from really crappy times in seminary where it looked like I would never ever finish seminary and that all I had sacrificed to get through would be in vain. There are 27 outs in a game and if you don’t give up, you always have a chance to win. Life is not like football or basketball where people can run out the clock on you once they get a comfortable lead. The other team still has to face you and if like Oscar Salazar and the other young Orioles you can step up and keep your head in the game you have a chance.

I have mentioned before how a number of people wrote me off in seminary making comments like “It’s obvious that you weren’t called to ministry otherwise God would be blessing you,” and “have you thought that maybe you were wrong to get out of the Army to go to seminary” or one that hurt the most, “you’re dumber than dirt for getting out of the Army to waste your time in seminary.” I heard such comments from people in church, at work, people that I called for prayer and even some family members. The toll on Judy was severe and though she was suffering she refused to even let me entertain giving up. If I had quit I would not be here today, I had to gut it out with the odds stacked against me and at times when I even thought that God might have turned his back on me.

Likewise if you are riding high you can’t become complacent. I do not believe that this happened to the Red Sox, but complacency kills. Jonathan Papelbon noted “Give the other team credit. They put pressure on our bullpen tonight and we pretty much imploded. I can’t think of any other word that describes it better.” The Red Sox infield also did something rather unique. With two outs in the bottom of the 6th Dustin Pedrioa charged off the field followed by the rest of the infield thinking that there were three outs. Only problem there were only two outs. The Boston Globe put it this way:

“And it’s hard not to attach some significance to that play in the bottom of the sixth, when the Red Sox infield trotted to the dugout with two out. “I looked up and I saw Tek standing there all by himself,” said Francona. “The first thing I think is that I must be nuts. I’ve never seen that. Pedie came in and said, ‘I led the charge. I (screwed) up.’ ” Said Pedroia: “I think it was my fault. I got ahead of myself and everyone followed me.”

That is my lesson learned. Watching the Orioles make this comeback against the Red Sox inspired me again to work harder and also reminded me from where I came and the struggles that we endured. If you had asked me in the spring of winter and spring of 1989-1990 if I thought I would make it through seminary I would have said, I may not but I will do everything that I can to make it through. Even 6 years later after finishing both seminary and CPE residency as Major in the Army Reserve Chaplain Corps I still had to work hard to overcome professional adversity. I got my second chance in 1999 when the Navy signed me as a free agent to play on the big team. My hat goes off to the young Orioles who fought back last night to win, especially Oscar Salazar who never gave up in 13 years in the minors. They may not be in the playoffs this year, but they are doing the things that will make them contenders. Any time a time does something like this against a team as fine as the Red Sox you know that they have the potential for greatness. The same goes for anyone who has the determination to come back from adversity when defeat looks certain.

As Bert Blyleven said “The problem with being Comeback Player of the Year is it means you have to go somewhere before you can come back.” Those places are not enjoyable places, but sometimes fighting our way out of them teaches us the value of persistence and perseverance. These are far more valuable than having everything our way, and knowing nothing but success without knowing failure. Without them we will never have the wherewithal to come back when things go bad.

Peace, Steve+

Leave a comment

Filed under Baseball, celebrities, philosophy, Religion

Tagged as adam jones, american league east, army reserve chaplain corps, aubry huff, baltimore Orioles, bert blyleven, blown saves, boston red sox, calvin coolidge, dave trembley, dustin pedrioa, earl weaver, eschatology, felix pie, george sherrill, hideki okijima, jacoby ellsbury, jeremy guthrie, jonathan papelbon, justin masterson, luke scott, matt wieters, michael jackson, mlb comebacks, navy chaplain corps, nick markakis, nolan Reimold, oscar salazar, takashi saito, terry francona, ty wiggington, war famine death

June 30, 2009 · 21:17

The Gifts of PTSD: Insomnia is a Terrible Thing to Waste and the Hidden Value of Hyper-vigilance

On Board a 53 out near Syria

I’ve been asked by a number of people at work just how I manage to find the time to write the way that I do. The answer, which I have said to all of them is simple…insomnia, which it turns out is not necessarily a curse, but for me in some ways is a gift. I find that insomnia really is a terrible thing to waste. Until I went to Iraq I went to bed at a decent hour every night and seldom did I have problems sleeping. At the same time my life while busy pursuing work, military and professional education as well as academic degrees was full but not completely fulfilling. I had always wanted to write on a variety of subjects to include military history, theology, ethics and baseball. In fact someday I hope to get published. However back then I was always too distracted to write what I wanted to write. I could t stay on task for anything other than things that would seemingly directly affect my military career, even my marriage.

Convoy On Route Michigan

Iraq changed that more than I thought it could. I got back, fell apart about 90 days after returning home and despite pushing myself harder at work, ministry and academically I was not making it. Nightmares, dreams, chronic pain and anxiety, stress reactions even in church about crippled me. About the only place I felt some peace was at the ball park. Somehow the sight of that great field and the infield diamond settles me. Sleep deprivation became a very real and persistent part of my life. I guess it was the fact in Iraq that we did most of our travel at night by helicopter, usually CH-46, CH-47 or CH-53’s and had very irregular schedules. Likewise when we came back to base there was another little issue. The pad for the Army Medivac Choppers, or “Dustoff” was about 200 yards from my quarters so all night long I was subjected to the constant noise from these aircraft. If I hear a UH-60 Blackhawk or SH-60 Seahawk at night I still get a startle reaction. Outgoing artillery fire and occasional fire, explosions and sirens in the adjacent town of Habbinyah were staples of life. When bored I would stand outside and watch illumination rounds going off the highway just outside our entry control point or wander over near the Shock Surgery Trauma Platoon facility where “Dustoff” was waiting on the pad. I’m sure that working a number of mass casualty events and seeing our wounded Marines and Soldiers being treated as well as Iraqi civilians including kids had to affect me. These Americans and Iraqis were out driving the same roads that we would drive on a regular basis and the sight of their shattered bodies went through my mind every time we went on a mission.

As I got deeper into my tour I found that no matter how tired that I was I had great difficulty getting to sleep. I’m sure this was due to our operational tempo, odd hours, demanding travel, sleeping conditions which varied at every location and occasionally getting shot at. The most cool of those were when our Army CH-47D talking off from Ramadi , took fire from the ground and proceeded to pop flares, take evasive action while the tail gunner opened fire with his M240 series machine gun. Since I was sitting two seats from the tail gunner and saw, heard and smelled the gun as it fired I’m pretty sure that it happened. However, when I called the Army squadron to see what happened they denied that the event happened. I hear that was not an uncommon occurrence. So anyway by the mid-point of my tour I was no longer sleeping so I would sit up and play games on my computer, such as chess and Ma-jong. It is amazing how good you can get at stuff like that through sheer repetition. It was playing these games that I would wear myself our enough to sleep since I usually did an hour or two of PT during the day or late evening when not on the road. It is comforting when you are running near the perimeter on a cool Saturday morning and hear explosions and exchanges of automatic weapons fire going off about 2 km to your right.

So now despite my cool concoction of meds I still have difficulty getting to sleep. In order to sleep I have to wear myself out and when I am done I take my meds and crash. If I take them before I am exhausted I see little effect and I am not about to start mixing them with the good beer that I enjoy so much. I do not drink crappy beer thank you. Maybe it will be time to go back to the doctor when my provider’s relief arrives in August or September. I probably need to talk to my buddy Elmer the shrink again soon. Elmer is great but my schedule has not lined up well to see him the past couple of weeks between leave, call schedule and the emergency root canal. I probably have to go back in on that sooner than my appointment as I still am having some pain and wonder if there is an infection there.

Since I don’t believe in wasting time I have decided to be productive when I can’t sleep. I started writing as I finished my class requirements for my latest Masters Degree. I still need to do the comprehensive exams but will wait until September so as not to mess with any home games the Tides have left. I began writing as a means of both helping me and disciplining myself to write regularly. I have several book ideas but have never been able to get any off the ground because I could not stay focused. This website helps me do that and has got me thinking creatively again. So my answer to how I can find the time to write is simple, if I have 20 or so extra hours in the week late at night that are going to be there no matter what I do, then I shouldn’t waste them. So my point is that insomnia is a terrible thing to waste. It could be worse. I know of other vets who can’t sleep either due to war experiences and some have fallen off the deep end with self destructive behaviors at least I am not doing online gambling, porn or other distractions that have helped continue to ravage some of my brothers and sisters who have served in Iraq, Afghanistan and Vietnam. I have found in a strange way that the chronic insomnia has been a gift which has enabled me to gain insights on life and experience that I had never been able to put down before. It has forced me to take advantage of time that I would otherwise waste web or channel surfing until I fell asleep. It is interesting to see what comes out of your computer when you are trying to write while falling asleep.

Here is an example that I found and saved a few weeks ago: “Manages not only check their the firduk about what they fell than…”

I have no earthly idea what it means or what a “firduk” is or what “manages would “not only check their the firduk” means and I don’t want to find out. God only knows what it means but it reminds me where a half-asleep Jerry Seinfeld wrote down something that he saw on TV that he thought was funny. He spent the show trying to see what he wrote and then finally saw what he actually heard. He discovered that it was not nearly as funny as he thought.

Another gift I have been given with my PTSD is that of hyper-vigilance. I am much more alert and observant than I ever was. This is on the road, in crowds or even as I do my job in the hospital. I have begun to notice the little odd things that are clues to other possibly more significant issues. This probably has saved my life on the road on several occasions since I returned as I have a much great “feel” for what is going on around me than I have ever had while driving. There have been at least three times where I “felt” the danger of another vehicle and took evasive action to avoid a collision before I heard or saw it. Of course the colorful euphemisms which poured out of me on these occasions were quite memorable, I think the best being “You Oedipal Mother F—-r!” when some asshole almost plowed over me in a grocery store parking lot not far from home.

So, despite the inherent problems that PTSD, insomnia and the other maladies I have incurred have caused me, the Deity Herself has also given them to me as a gift. For which I am strangely grateful. Even a few months back I saw them as a curse, but now they have become a source of blessing. Like Commander Spock might say to Captain Kirk after observing a human idiosyncrasy “fascinating Captain, fascinating.”

It’s a Gift…Enjoy

I’m back on duty tomorrow for another overnight. This will be a long week, 3 duty nights out of 5 work days. Thankfully I will not have duty again for two weeks after Friday.

Peace, Steve+

6 Comments

Filed under Baseball, Loose thoughts and musings, philosophy, PTSD, star trek

Tagged as afghanistan, ch-46, ch-47, commander spock, dustoff, habbinyah, hummv, hyper-vigilance, insomina, iraq, mass casualty events, medivac, mh-53, PTSD, ramadi, route michigan, seinfeld, sh-60 seahawk, shock surgery trauma platoon, star trek, uh-60 blackhawk, vietnam, writing

June 29, 2009 · 22:32

Interns and Residents Graduate while New Ones Arrive; Save #500 for Mariano Rivera and I Know Why the North Koreans are So Belligerent…They Don’t Have Baseball!

Well. I got back to work today and I’m glad to be back. The trip to DC was really nice. Having duty the first day back well, what can I say? Tonight has been very busy but not too sporty yet, although I am wondering as the night has a weird feel, which a resident that I have worked with a lot feels too. Hopefully we are just paranoid. I wrote this at my dinner break and thankfully I picked relatively uncomplicated things to write about tonight, I had it done by the time the cardiac response pager went off following some meetings and early rounds and patient visits. It’s about 2300 and I am just now sitting down to finish this prologue.

Today we graduated our Intern Class. I have gotten to know a good number of these young physicians during the past year during their ICU rotation as well as when I have been on call throughout the house. It was a privilege to be at the graduation at the invitation of the class leadership as I had been with them on their Dining Out back in April. To have one more time with them before they go on to residency, the Fleet Marine Force or Sea Billets as General Medical Officers or Surgeons, as well as those selected to become Flight Surgeons or Diving Medical Officers assigned to Special Operations, Diving or EOD units was really nice. Having spent a lot of time with many on the ICU I see the toll that the internship places on them and their families. These young physicians have done well and will serve our Sailors and Marines, as well as Soldiers and Airmen and their families well. Some will remain to complete residencies of various types and lengths, while those who do not initially get a residency will likely be on the front line of caring for our servicemen and women in harm’s way or on medical and humanitarian missions. Some will end up with the Marines in Iraq or Afghanistan and others serve as the “Doctor” for a ship or Marine battalion often far from any immediate back up or specialty care. I wish all of them the best. We have also had residents leave us for new horizons. Some will be going on to advanced fellowships while others will serve as staff physicians or surgeons throughout the world. It has been great working with many of them in their final residency year.

While these young physicians are leaving us, we have some who will remain on as residents here or fellowships. It will be good to continue to work with and get to know them over the coming years. Now the fun part, we have a butt load of brand new Interns who are reporting to us as well as some Residents from other institutions or coming back from their tours in the Fleet. I remember my time at civilian teaching hospitals where I served as a chaplain or did my residency. Pastoral Care Residencies typically start in September or October which takes them out of the cycle that most residents or interns have in the medical community. I hope that we will eventually have our program lined up so our new residents report the same time the physician internships and residencies begin and for our residents to have more interaction with them. I think the latter will happen sooner than the first mentioned with things that we are in the process of instituting. I really believe that the cross pollination of physician and pastoral care residencies will benefit both specialties as they meet at the intersections of healing, life and death, faith and spirituality. Tonight when I have been greeting every new physician I see and introducing myself to them. They come from quite a few interesting places and I hope to get to know them all pretty well.

Last night was a great event. Yankees ace reliever and “closer deluxe” Mariano Rivera notched his 500^th save. He became the second pitcher to achieve this number as he shut down the New York Mets at Citi Park. To some this may not seem too much of an accomplishment. After all, the relief pitcher as a specialty and development of pitchers to serve in different relief roles is a relatively new part of baseball, really only going back to the 1970s. Of course there were relieves before, but they had a limited role as starters often would pitch complete games. Satchel Paige was an exception when he came to the Majors from the Negro Leagues spending most of his time in a relief role, and there are a few others but the reliever was in many cases a former starter who didn’t have the juice to pitch complete games later in their careers. Rivera is a special breed even as a reliever. He is a closer. This means that when he comes in he is either trying to save the victory or stave off defeat. He has to come in at a moment’s notice in any park, weather or situation often to deal with the heart of an opponent’s batting order. He has the 500 saves and a career 2.29 ERA. In the World Series he has 9 saves and a 1.16 ERA. It gets better. In the League Championship Series that he has pitched in he has 10 saves and a 0.97 ERA and in Division Series he has 15 saves and a 0.38 ERA. Since the playoffs tend to have the better and more competitive teams in them so these are amazing statistics. In the playoff he has 8 wins and only one loss. At age 39 he shows no sign of letting up.

What makes a guy like Mariano so special is first that he is nearly unhittable and his very presence on the mound gives confidence to the Yankees and sends a message to their opponents. He will if he has any say in the matter save or win that game even if he comes in early with the bases loaded and no outs in the 8^th inning. Rivera is like a really hot ER or ICU team that has to save a life when the situation is at the worst or if not that bad where it could get sporty. I have always admired relievers who do the job well having had to go into a number of jobs where my predecessor both as a Medical Service Corps Officer in the Army or Navy Chaplain was fired. That is no fun when you have to go pick up the pieces. Relievers make their living doing this and Rivera has to be the best reliever who has ever lived. To top it off he is regarded as a nice guy, a leader and one of baseball’s good guys. And last but not least Mariano was not a “bonus baby.” He came up as an undrafted free agent. Some Trevor Hoffman fans may argue this point but the high intensity playoff game record speaks for itself. Nobody does it better. Someday Jonathan Papelbon may do so for the Red Sox, but he has many years to go before he hits 500 saves. He has the advantage of starting his Major League career as a closer and already has as of the end of 2008 114 saves and a 1.84 ERA. He is the real deal and hopefully will remain healthy.

Finally a closing thought for the night. I have wondered for some time just why the North Koreans can be so bellicose and ill tempered. They are threatening to incinerate us and upset that we have moved missile interceptors to Hawaii, like hello, Hawaii is 4000 miles away from North Korea. Needless to say the whole bunch of nations in the neighborhood is not real happy with the Dictator named Kim. The Japanese are upping their readiness, the South Koreans sending folks to the border and talking of pre-emption and even the Chicoms and Russians are not real happy. Some sources are even saying the Nutty North Koreans may launch and ICBM in our general direction around the 4^th of July. That would not be cool.

So like I said, I was wondering about what makes the North Koreans so ill tempered. It finally came to me last week at Harbor Park when watching the Tides play the Pawtucket Red Sox. There were scouts from the Korean Professional Baseball league in the stands as well as Japanese scouts and American scouts. Then it hit me. Baseball is big in South Korea and they are getting pretty darned good in international competition. They are so good in fact that they have won the Olympic Gold Medal and finished second in the World Baseball Classic. In contrast the North Koreans don’t have baseball. If they had baseball they would be able to work off all that unhealthy stress and hatred, the Yin and Yang would come back into balance. What if Kim Jung Il had played little league and high school ball? Who knows he might be a manager in the Korean Leagues taking out all that anger on the umpires when they make a bad call or executing his closers when they fail. The South Koreans have been blessed by the Deity Herself with Baseball and I do believe that this has to be the difference. Even Communist Cuba is nowhere near as nutty as North Korea and this too I attribute to Baseball and Fidel having played ball himself. Maybe we should instead of negotiators send Baseball players, scouts and instructors to North Korea? It just might work. Look what McDonald’s and Coke did to the former Soviet Union….

Peace, Steve+

Leave a comment

Filed under Baseball, Foreign Policy, Loose thoughts and musings, Military, philosophy

Tagged as afghanistan, bonus baby, chicoms, china, citi park, closers, coca-cola, cuba, diving medical officer, ERA, fidel castro, fleet marine force, flight surgeon, gmo tour, harbor park, hawaii, icbm, interns, iraq, jonathan papelbon, korean professional baseball, mariano rivera, mcdonald's, medical education, missile interceptors, navy medical, negro leagues, new york mets, new york yankees, north korea, olympics, pastoral care residents, pawtucket red sox, relief pitchers, residents, russia, satchel paige, saves, south korea, trevor hoffman, undrafted free agent, world baseball classic

Author Archives: padresteve

About padresteve

Sometimes You Wanna go Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Implants? On my 13th Anniversary of Being a Priest…What’s up with that?

Discerning the Second Coming: The Cubs are the Key

Manny, A-Rod and Barry: How the Media and Government Selectively Target Ballplayers or Don’t

Going to War: Interlude July 4th 2007

You Don’t Know What You’re Missing Until You Find It: Judy Experiences Real Hearing

Going to War: Reflections on My Journey to Iraq and Back- Part One

Comebacks in Baseball and Life: 27 Outs- the Baltimore Orioles teach us a Lesson in Life

The Gifts of PTSD: Insomnia is a Terrible Thing to Waste and the Hidden Value of Hyper-vigilance

Interns and Residents Graduate while New Ones Arrive; Save #500 for Mariano Rivera and I Know Why the North Koreans are So Belligerent…They Don’t Have Baseball!

Welcome!

Subscribe to Padre Steve's World

Comment Policy

Padre Steve’s World on Facebook

What’s Hot

Padre Steve's Inglorius Statistics

Recent Articles

The Vault: Padre Steve’s Archives

Categories

Blogs I Follow

Author Archives: padresteve

About padresteve

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Welcome!

Subscribe to Padre Steve's World

Comment Policy

What’s Hot

Padre Steve's Inglorius Statistics

Recent Articles

The Vault: Padre Steve’s Archives

Categories

Blogs I Follow