Category Archives: Just for fun

December 4, 2010 · 01:58

Denny Crane and Padre Steve: Going over the top to Kill Farting Cows

Denny Crane

I think I need to put a picture of Denny Crane up anytime I go over the top and use hyperbole as a literary device.  It seems that a lot of people just don’t get it and take me far too seriously and I have to wonder if it’s the Mad Cow.  I’m sure I have it because

Anyone that knows me or reads this site on a regular basis knows that I will sometimes in pursuit of making a point I will go a little over the top.  I did this last week where killed a bunch of people’s farting cow by suggesting “whacking” Wiki-Leaks founder Julian Assange and his cohorts in anarchy.  I suggested using KGB and CIA and MI-16 type methods and really was way over the top. It was a rant patterned on William Shatner’s character from Boston Legal “Denny Crane.”  In fact I have used such methods in pissing off Neo-Nazis and White Supremacists, religious fundamentalists of various persuasions and others.  In this case I just had to ask “What Would Denny Crane Do?” since I know what Jesus would do based on any number of scriptural interpretations from “Loving grace filled and forgiving Jesus” to “Ass kicking Second Coming Jesus” so I had to look elsewhere. So just remember two words: Padre Steve.

Padre Steve

I think that over the top  hyperbole draws out all the people that have no life or sense of humor or irony and are so committed to his or her particular cause that they cannot bear criticism of their idols, especially when it is done in such a manner.  In fact I find such people to be quite tedious and predictable; they presume wrongly that simply being over the top means that I am like them, doing exactly what they do to those that they disagree with.  They see what they want to see and read their agenda into it.

In the case of the Wiki Leak defenders they presume that everything I say is completely serious and in the case of the offending article some was and much wasn’t especially the whacking part.  Now I do think that the Wiki Leaks people and their leader are terrorists because their goal is not truth but anarchy, and anarchy always breeds tyranny but I am not serious about having Assange and his colleagues in crime killed.  Now in reality there are probably at least a dozen despotic nations that would like to chop them into little itty bitty pieces but that won’t be the United States.  Despite our somewhat soiled white hat we are still the good guys giving our blood and treasure to support many ungrateful nations and we don’t owe Mr. Assange and his bunch anything.

Now as far as my detractors I don’t hide anything. Since I have as of this post 681 articles on this website it would behoove, my I like that uppity word, behoove them to actually read some other posts before passing judgment and calling me everything but a Romulan.  Failing that they can pound sand.

I am a passionate Moderate.  This means in addition to having lots of friends from diverse backgrounds that I can’t put in the same room without fear of bloodshed. I also attract an equally diverse number of detractors some that are quite nasty when they see me killing their farting cows.  You see moderates especially the non-Namby Pamby kinds are not appreciated by those who are absolutely convinced in their rightness and obsessed with whatever agenda they purport.  It’s so much easier for them to pick a side and let someone else tell them what to think and assume that those that kill their farting cows are evil.  I know that the correct term is “fatted calves” but farting cow’s just sounds sillier, after all cows are the leading greenhouse gas producer on the planet, but that is a subject for another post and I digress.

 

I’m sorry what some people call debate is nothing more than judgmental name calling with so little critical thought.  They read something and jump to a preconceived conclusion without doing any real research. In my case all they would have to do is look at the “About” page of this site and figure out that I don’t fit their mould.

It doesn’t matter if the are Julian Assange supporters, Neo-Nazis, White Supremacists, Japanese China War revisionists, angry religious fundamentalists of a variety religions and sects, Glenn Beck supporters, militant environmentalists and so many others they all have one thing in common.  They are all without exception ideologues that only see things their way and can’t handle anyone that confronts their worldview, or as I say kills their farting cows. When I read their stuff it is amazing to see the anger and vitriol expended by these guys. When I made my over the top comments about Assange and Wiki Leaks I expected this kind of reaction and was surprised that it didn’t happen sooner. With the exception of one named Brian all were rather snarky and two pretty uppity European supporters of Assange.  That’s okay I can handle some name calling as some of Neo Nazis have actually threatened me and called me a lot worse.

Maybe I need to put a picture of Denny Crane up when I decide to post one of these articles again and put the disclaimer up that it’s the “Mad Cow” saying it and not me.

What do ya think?

So until the next time, peace, and remember those two little words,

Padre Steve+

 

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December 3, 2010 · 00:18

Borientation: The Perils of Corporate, Government and Military Orientation

If you have worked in corporate America, the Federal Government and State Governments or the Military in the past 20 to 30 years you probably have gone through a program of orientation or indoctrination upon being hired or transferred by a corporation or government agency. Now if you are completely new to an organization such classes are important in understanding the corporate or agency mission, culture and priorities. These programs also stress things that the organization has determined to be essential in a new employee’s understanding of how the entity does business and standards of practice, personal conduct and other items that may be required by accrediting commissions or by law.

Such programs tend to last 2 days to a week and can be incredibly detailed or filled with myriads of small topics that tend to blend together before a day is over. This is what I refer to as “Borientation.” I have worked in the military and in other state or local government agencies for nearly 30 years.  Each time I have being hired by a new organization or transferred within the military I have gone through some form of Borientation process.  These types of classes have been around for years but with every passing day some new law, regulation or discovery that something that we have been doing for years is too unsafe, unethical or enjoyable to be allowed in the workplace or anywhere else the organization can sink its paws into. This aside Borientation is deemed essential and almost everyone requires it.

If you are new to an organization, like in never had a job in your life kind of new or been locked away in a cave for the past 20 years you will certainly receive a fire hose blast of information that will make your head spin like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. However after a while in a business, government or military culture the Borientation process becomes rather mind numbing.   It’s not that there is anything wrong with the information and many times nothing wrong with the presentation but it is rather that after 10 or more years in an organization Borientation becomes a painful experience because with the exception of a tweak here and there most subjects are pretty much the same. It’s like watching reruns of the most boring PBS and BBC shows or really bad sitcoms for the 100th time except they are presented in marathon format and presented in classrooms where the employees sit in uncomfortable chairs in glaring fluorescent light with poor acoustics.

Since I have over 30 years experience in such environments going back to my pre-military days I can pretty much summarize 80% of what is covered in these classes in about 5 minutes.  Heck if I was God I would let the old guys and gals that have been in the organization for years get the “Cliff Notes” version of orientation, just what has changed since the last time they did it or what was not part of previous orientations.

As for me I don’t do well in seminars or classes that go on hour after hours in the same place providing information that I have been provided in person and online for years and years and years, and dare I say…years.  I actually have a physical reaction in these classes because I do my best to stay awake and attentive in order to at least respect the good people doing the training.  Now I keep my laptop with me to take notes to help me stay awake and take note of things that have changed or are new that are important.  I also keep a couple of news sites and Facebook running in the background if even the note taking becomes too tedious.  But even doing this and fortified with major doses of caffeine I often feel my face and head going numb.  I am not kidding it is like one of those old Star Trek or other science fiction flicks where aliens attach themselves to people, on Star Trek TOS the guys in the red shirts on the away team. It is like the life is being sucked out of me. Now I don’t know about you but looking around the room and talking to other seasoned folks during breaks I am pretty sure that I am not alone.  Please know I am not against orientation but rather Borientation. I have had to teach my fair share of these courses and I try desperately to get just the right information out quickly and with some humor because I know that the people that I am victimizing probably have 20 other presenters who will not do this.

Thus I try to see the humor in everything during the classes and afterward sometimes finding perverse pleasure in the Dilbert comic strips.  At the same time I am forced to wonder with the continuous expansion of Borientation programs and re-boreintation programs due to more and more regulations from either the government or accreditation commissions that we have reached the culminating point where we actually begin to lose ground in trying to gain ground by overloading people with information without adequate time to digest it.

Part of what I fear about Borientation is hurting me if I flip my desk or chair if I fall asleep. This mind you is not an unfounded fear.  I remember back in seminary after lunch having my Philosophy of Religion professor do a lecture about philosophic and religious themes in artwork. To do this he showed us hundreds of slides on the old slide carousel, no Power Point back then.  Well lunch had settled in my belly and as the majority of my blood supply went to digest the hamburger that I had consumed I found myself struggling to maintain conciseness eventually losing the battle against the “Z Monster” flipping my desk in front of the professor who didn’t miss a beat and continued to the next slide and I hastily recovered, righted my desk and got back into it as my classmates, many awakened from their naps by the loud crashing noise laughed their assess off.

So until the next time,

Peace,

Padre Steve+

 

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November 29, 2010 · 23:56

So God gets the Blame for Dropped Passes….the Prosperity Gospel strikes again

Padre Steve’s Disclaimer: This post deals in a humorous manner with the Tweet of Buffalo Bills Wide Receiver Steve Johnson.  His tweet is a foil for a bigger point about the “prosperity Gospel” and the distorted view of God of those that teach it and their unfortunate victims.  I am sure that he is a sincere young man who was very emotional after dropping a pass. I wish him well and he will let up on himself and God. Peace, Padre Steve+

Well, well isn’t this special. Buffalo Bills receiver Steve Johnson dropped an easy pass that would have won the game for the Bills and stunned the Pittsburgh Steelers. After the game at the Bills press conference the young man was up in front of the reporters taking responsibility like a man all but offering to commit Hari-Kari to atone for his sin against his team which cost them the game.  I saw the interview on ESPN and heard it on the radio and I thought that while I liked the fact that he owned up to blowing the play that it sounded a bit overdone and even a bit histrionic if you asked me.  Lucky for Johnson and quickly recovered his composure and realized that God had thrown him under the bus. I mean he had obviously done all the right things to make God happy except to play for the Cowboys who in addition to claiming to be America’s team have also conjured up the image of being the Deity’s team but I digress.  You have to look at what the young man said in the context of his Twitter account:

The “I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS IS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!!” is a little strong if you ask me. How anyone finds time to praise God 24/7 is beyond me and I would assume that he means “a lot” and not a literal 24/7 Praise-a-Thon.  I’m sure that since he used so many exclamation points that he lost the chance to remind God about his tithes, vows and other offerings in the tweet, alas the limitations of Twitter.

You see it is obvious to me that God had to let him down. He’s playing for a bad team getting whacked around by opposing defenses and all the while praising God and giving until it hurts. Let’s face it anyone knows if you take the time to watch or listen to much of what passes of “Christian teaching” on almost any “Christian” television network you know that the young man speaks the truth. He praised, prayed and gave and what did he get for his trouble? I’ll tell you what he got, he got the shaft and he should sue.  He should go for God’s big pockets.

Look at this, I mean if you listened to some of the guys that really are tight with God you would do the same thing as Johnson, and if you do listen to God’s anointed you would probably do the same thing in Johnson’s situation.  I mean these guys are called anointed, apostles, prophets and even “God’s Generals” so they can be trusted right?

Prosperity Doctrine Poster Child: Robert Tilton

I mean I have seen some of them actually getting messages from God on camera with the whole constipated look while they are struggling to hear exactly what God is saying because the Old Testament talks about the severe penalties for getting God wrong.  With that kind of accuracy and authority it is no wonder that people fall all over themselves to give to these ministers and their ministries.  Seriously the basic message of the “health, wealth and success” prosperity preacher in its crudest form is that if you give you get.  If you do things like praise God, something that certainly a good thing for us to do and give of your time talent and treasure, especially the treasure part that God is obligated to give back to you. The Prosperity preachers love to quote Scripture but only in regard to people giving to them and their ministries, they just love Luke 6:38 “Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full–pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.” Can I get an Amen? No of course if you look at all the troublesome verses around this gem the context is not how it is presented by the prosperity crowd.  The passage is Jesus giving a lecture about the Christian life to include humility, forgiveness, judgment and even hypocrisy and the giving is just one part of it and certainly if you look a the broader context of Scripture regarding material prosperity generally talks about it as an encumbrance that often leads to sin, excess and even presumption on God denying the very way of the Cross.

So you get my drift, what Steve Johnson did is no different than the person that gets upset at God when they didn’t get a promotion, or get something that they really wanted and even prayed for, and all of us including yours truly have had meltdowns where we have words with God.  However the problems arise when we presume that because we do something good that God is obligated to return the favor like God is some sort of cosmic ATM. With the proliferation of the prosperity teaching on television, in mega-churches and on the internet we have seen a cultural shift in how the Christian faith is presented in often very narcissistic ways.

So my best to Steve Johnson and I do hope and pray that a more mature Christian in his circle of trust will pull him aside and help him. These things happen and once you “tweet” or hit the send button on your e-mail or text you can’t take it back.  Live and learn, it’s hard to be a rookie on Twitter, maybe the NFL should keep rookies off of Twitter until they can learn not to look stupid using it.

Have fun and God bless,

Peace

Padre Steve+

 

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November 27, 2010 · 20:07

Saturday Morning Cartoons: Padre Steve Remembers the Best

I decided to lighten up a bit today since I have been rather serious as of late with all my posts about the loss of liberty and the situation on the Korean peninsula. Since these are all likely to get worse and maybe even a lot worse I decided that I needed a break and with more bad news just waiting for its chance at getting into the 24 hour bad news cycle to drive up the anxiety level and make people unhappy I had to find a diversion. I think that for a few minutes that we should be entitled to a break from wars and rumors of wars, economic, financial, ecological, and biological catastrophe looming not to mention whatever Lady Gaga, Charlie Sheen, Sarah Palin, Nancy Pelosi and Paris Hilton are up to. My goodness we all deserve a break before Armageddon don’t we?

I find that I miss the old Saturday morning cartoons, not all the new Japanimation and the crap that is produced just to get people to buy their kids toys. I’m sorry but most of what is produced today caters to the baser instincts of humanity and is better left for Midnight Swim and left off our Saturday mornings.  Maybe this makes me a curmudgeonly Elmer Fuddyduddy but I don’t care anymore because if I want to watch debased sex and horror I can turn to any cable movie channel late at night and have my fill of it. In fact I remember the morality police condemning the “violence” of Bugs Bunny and the Road Runner back in the 1970s but I’m sorry but that as absurd. Now it is harder than hell to find a decent cartoon, and that includes the animation not just what is portrayed.  Heck back then e even had something educational, the Schoolhouse Rock series that my goodness actually was educational and entertaining.  Speaking of educational here are some Schoolhouse Rock episodes.

Conjunction Junction: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkO87mkgcNo

How a Bill becomes Law: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEJL2Uuv-oQ&feature=related

The Electoral College: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FaPlIcQw_dg&feature=related

So this morning I dug up out of my DVD stash a DVD of Bugs Bunny and his Looney tunes friends and when I was done with that a DVD of Pink Panther cartoons. I mean it was so much fun to watch real classic cartoons again and commercial free to make it even better.  Here are some great Bugs Bunny and Friends, Looney Tunes and Merry Melodies episodes.

Bugs Bunny Opera: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPCUDAF0bVY

The Rabbit of Seville: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=55G7T8VdWEs&feature=fvsr

Wile E. Coyote and Road Runner: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcR6Uw2UL7c

Daffy Duck: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qD2rI4rTzRw

Sylvester and Tweety: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACkBAcN4kh4

Foghorn Leghorn and Henry the Chickenhawk:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kwo8amOULkw and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdpfhAuAmjI&feature=related

Bugs Bunny and Melvin the Martian: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mMuWOLVAzYY

Yosemite Sam: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJf4levMDTI

Of course there are Dastardly and Muttley: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJf4levMDTI and so many more. When I was a kid I loved to watch Bugs Bunny and Road Runner and all of their Loony Tunes friends, Sylvester the cat, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Elmer Fudd, Peppy Le Pugh, Tweety, Granny, Foghorn Leghorn, Speedy Gonzalez, Wile E. Coyote, Melvin the Martian and the rest of the gang.  I also loved Dastardly and Muttley and the Wacky Races and their Flying Machine, Scooby Doo, Yogi Bear, the Flintstones, the Jetsons and of course the aforementioned Pink Panther cartoons.  I’m sorry but the new crap is just that….crap and I miss to old stuff. I was looking for anything decent on TV last Saturday morning and was sorely disappointed as I clicked on channel after channel to see nothing but crap. I mean seriously robots that look demon possessed demons in tights, repossessed demon mutant teddy bears and animated ads for mass produced lead paint coated slut dolls made in China that fill toy stores and discount houses…let me stop to catch my breath…. Audible sigh….deep breath….all better now. Thank you.

Anyway so you get the idea I don’t think much of what is shown on Saturday morning nowadays and I wish that the morons that do the programming would at least have the decency to at least show some of the oldies. But since they won’t I just went to the web to get some links to some great entertainment. Try as I might I have yet to find much in the way of entertainment or educational value in any of this, but there was entertainment as well as real artistry in many of the cartoons and some good educational value in stuff like Schoolhouse Rock…heck most of what I know about opera came out of Bugs Bunny, the Barber of Seville and the Flight of the Valkyrie just to name two.  In fact I have never seen a little kid not laugh at the old stuff or be seriously harmed by watching it.  Maybe we should go back to the classics and ditch the crap.  Sure it won’t stop terrorists, wars or economic meltdown but at least we can laugh.

Peace

Padre Steve+

 

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November 25, 2010 · 12:17

Thanksgiving 2010: Thanks for the Memories and Things to be Thankful for this Year

It is better to give than to receive so it is time to give thanks for all the blessings that I have received since last Thanksgiving, but before I do I have to philosophize just a bit.

You see while I am thankful for much I generally find that Thanksgiving Day leaves much to be desired. Not that I am adverse to giving thanks or being extremely grateful but I am really more of a Christmas kind of guy. I’m not a big fan of getting up early to watch parades I’d rather watch the big balloons that got away on the news or on You Tube.

Let’s Get Snoopy to keep watch on potential terrorists, he has the binoculars so why not?

I think it would be more fun since we are becoming a police state if we mounted surveillance cameras and Hellfire missiles on them and used Snoopy, Garfield and others to spy on our citizens and blast any potential terrorists. If we have to have a police state I think it should it might as well be fun.  Who cares about parades anyway when you can watch what are historically some of the worst professional football games of the season as we watch the Detroit Lions find yet another way to lose on Thanksgiving and the Dallas Cowboys play a sacrificial lamb just for the fun of it. Now it may be different this year because the Lions are winning some games and playing well for them, while the Cowboys after a horrible start to the season seem to have turned things around.  I have no idea how we ended up with those teams year after year on Thanksgiving but I guess for Cowboys and all 964 Lions fans it works well, not that there is anything wrong with that.

I like the times to get together and spent time with family and friends, though due to my military career it has been years since we have spent Thanksgiving with family.  There is something about a 3000 mile buffer zone that makes it hard to get to and from the West Coast.   Of course as many can attest family get-togethers were not always the most enjoyable occasions when after the mandatory grace was said and tempers flared certain elderly relatives rather tormented gastronomical delicacies appeared on the table to cause one to wonder how they ever lived so long.

But food is the centerpiece of any true Thanksgiving celebration is the Thanksgiving Dinner. Of course I have many less than fond memories associated with of the rather insidious entrees prepared by the aforementioned elderly relatives which color my views of Thanksgiving to the current day.

There was the ever present green bean salad frequently bathed in something that might have been mayonnaise or possibly Cool Whip.  Now the fact that it was spruced up a bit with Chernobyl Onions, boiled potatoes, slimy mushrooms or other additives that remain a mystery to this day didn’t make it any better, just more challenging to wonder who came up with the idea.

Another positively scary dish was the puke green Jell-O salad which I think was made of Jell-O, mayonnaise and would have canned pineapple or dry cat food thrown in just to make sure that there was something real in this unearthly concoction.  Of course one cannot forget the times that the Turkey didn’t turn out quite right being underdone or charred beyond belief.  The stuffing stuck to everything like a chunky primordial slime or mashed potatoes resembled Potato soup or were so chewy and dry that you had to add more of the 40 weight Pennzoil gravy just to get them down.  My late mother in law had a delicacy that we called Brown and Burn rolls and my late paternal Grandmother had something white, which might have been meat in white gravy but has never been identified despite the best efforts FBI forensics investigators.

Of course in many household the children serve a purpose akin to that of a Persian Emperor’s official food taster.  I can remember as a kid being forced to eat something from almost every dish on the table just to make sure that Aunt Betty Lou Who or Grammy Sue Who[i] would not be offended if no one ate what they prepared.

Now not everything was bad as most of the time no matter how badly everything else turned out the pie was good, well at least in most cases.  My favorite pie at Thanksgiving was one that a trio of my Great Aunts made. Now these aunts were really great, when we went to their house on 18th Street in Huntington West Virginia for Thanksgiving or any other occasion they laid out a wonderful spread, but the most delightful dish was their Graham Cracker Pie. This is a pie, well that was a dumb statement, of course it was pie, but this pie had a home-made graham cracker and cinnamon crust, was filled with vanilla pudding, the good stuff, not instant and a meringue top which was encrusted with the graham cracker cinnamon mix.  Thankfully Judy had Aunt Viva, the last of the trio write down the recipe before she passed away and she has made it on occasion keeping this one family delicacy alive.  In addition to the Graham Cracker Pie there was Banana Crème and Chocolate Crème, Pumpkin and Sweet Potato, Apple, Cherry as well as other pies that would make an occasional appearance.

As I noted we have been away from family most of our married life and we have frequently spent Thanksgiving with friends, many times single people that we hosted other times people that would host us and those were always enjoyable. I have also spent a good number of Thanksgivings deployed and those have been special, especially 2007 when I was in Iraq and after a mission to the Syrian border when I helped to serve the troops at the dining facility.  Those times make you very thankful and not in a joking sense about all the blessings that we have in the United States.

As most readers know I am just a tad irreverent at times and nowhere was this more in evidence than Thanksgiving 1991 when we hosted a number of our single friends from work or church since none of us were very well off, I was still in seminary and money was not a great commodity. Judy asked me since I was going into ministry if I would pray for the food. That was not a good way to phrase the question because at times, well most of the time tend to find the dark humor in anything and this time was no exception. I think the prayer went something like this. I’m sure that it was longer than this because there are times when I get on a roll and can’t shut up, but this captures the spirit of that “prayer for the food.”

Dear Lord we ask you to be with the soul of this turkey and all of his or her relatives this Thanksgiving. Relieve them of their pain and comfort the survivors in Jesus name Amen.

As I prayed I noticed Judy glaring daggers at me as our guests looked on in dismay.  To this day she always keeps a foot ready to kick me just in case I try something like this again. Likewise she is always careful in how she phrases what she wants me to pray for lest I become too literal in my prayer.

This year I have much to be thankful for. The first is that I have had my faith return after almost two years where I felt abandoned by God and was for all practical purposes an agnostic following my return from Iraq and struggle with PTSD, depression and anxiety after my deployment. Faith has returned, different but much better than what I had been through. Believe me a crisis in faith bordering on despair is not a good place to be and I don’t want to go there again. In addition to the return of faith I am thankful for my family, especially Judy and our little dog Molly. The year was tough because my father died in June after a seven year bout with Alzheimer’s disease, but while in California I was able to spend good time with my brother and his family as well as my mother. I am sincerely thankful for my friends all over the world and my colleagues at work.  I’m thankful for all those that stood by me in my struggles over the past several years, good friends and colleagues are hard to come by but I have been blessed to have them. I’m thankful that I was selected for promotion to Commander which means that I continue to have the opportunity to serve the people that I love in the Sea Services.  Likewise I am thankful that I was selected to be Command Chaplain at Naval Hospital Camp LeJeune and for the wonderful staff that I am honored to serve alongside as we care for the Marines and Sailors wounded in body, soul or spirit in the current war. I am also grateful for my friends at Gordon Biersch Virginia Beach, the Church of Baseball Harbor Park Parish, St. James Episcopal Church, my old friends in the Charismatic Episcopal Church and my new friends Bishop Diana Dale and the clergy of the Apostolic Catholic Orthodox Church.

I am also incredibly thankful for the fact that the San Francisco Giants win their first World Series since they moved to the West Coast in 1958. Go Giants!

Today we will meet a friend at a restaurant as Judy sprained her ankle, big toe on the opposite foot and wrist in a fall at church last weekend and is still not 100%.  That’s too bad because she is unable to make pie this year. Perhaps I will watch a football game but more likely we will enjoy some movies or Boston Legal episodes as we recover from our dinner out.

I do pray that you have a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving full of life, love, family and friendship, and remember to pray for those in harm’s way and if possible do something for one of the least, the lost and the lonely today.

Oh, and by the way be careful of that addictive 40 weight Pennzoil gravy; it has a tendency to turn the bloodstream to sludge.

Peace and Happy Thanksgiving!

Padre Steve+

[i] The names have been changed to protect their memory

 

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November 7, 2010 · 01:37

Fall Back? Why can’t we do this Every Week?

I love this time of year when we get an extra hour to stay up late instead of getting an extra hour of sleep. I wonder sometimes why we couldn’t do this every week. Of course I know that this will never happen but I cannot think of too many disadvantages because eventually everyone benefits. Yes I admit that that there are some hurdles to get over but just imagine having 52 extra hours to goof off a year.  I would actually give us over two extra days; sure for some parts of the year it would be dark at high noon but who cares?  Eventually everyone would, regardless of their job get a chance to enjoy daylight even if it is midnight when they do it. What a deal, who could be against it?

Perhaps if we did it right we could actually rip a hole in the fabric of space and time and in doing so provide better economic opportunity.  Maybe we could make contact with life forms from the Delta Quadrant that would buy our stuff or maybe even make contact with ourselves in an alternate universe.  It would be like Star Trek.

I mean let’s look at the practical things that that could happen.  The people that work the night shift could actually enjoy daytime, lots of football and baseball games could be played in the daytime rather than under the lights and those that work during the day could actually enjoy some daylight when they go home. I know that I could use an extra hour every week. I don’t know about you but I can.

However it will never go through our political and economic leaders would never go for it despite the obvious advantages to interstellar and trans-dimensional commerce.  There is also the fact that by rolling back the clock 52 hours a year those that would deny us those hours actually harm their economic well being. Besides it would add a couple of months or so to everyone before they could get Social Security benefits, what a way to help balance the budget.  Helps business, helps the government and gives us all an extra hour a week. The hell with the spring forward crap, I want to go back every week.

Yet alas, this will not happen as I said there are far too many people and organizations in power that will not let it happen.  But maybe, just maybe with the Tea Party in charge of the House of Representatives people will start thinking outside of the box; of course they will have to overcome resistance in the stodgy Senate as well as the embedded lack of inertia in most departments of the Executive Branch and the certain legal challenges by the trial lawyers and opposition of paid lobbyists.  But then why would they even want to bother with something as silly as this when their top priority is finding a way to throw the President out of office?

Maybe we can compromise; maybe we can go with Dave Barry’s idea of a concept called “Weekday Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- launch-style “hold” for two to three hours, during which it just remains 7 a.m.”  According to Barry “this way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.”  Heck if I can’t get the extra hour of sleep I’d take this any day of the week.

Until then however I just have to thank whoever invented the “fall back” idea and enjoy either the extra sleep or time to goof off unless you have to work tonight.

Peace,

Padre Steve+

 

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November 5, 2010 · 13:44

I’d Like to Return…Padre Steve’s Musing on What He Would like to See

Well the elections are over and the 18.1 second era of bipartisanship is over until January of 2013. It was refreshing while it lasted but alas its time is over and we must continue down the path to Weimar until we get there. So despite how messed up things are we should enjoy the trip because Lord knows when or if things will get better.  Now don’t call me cynical as I am an optimist at heart a moderate optimist, I believe in the United States of America and love my country but somehow as much as I wish I don’t think that is “morning in America.”  I don’t really know what it is but it seems that it is a lot darker than it was back in 2000, but then it’s always darkest before it is pitch black.

I’d like things to return to a better day when political and religious differences were things that didn’t necessarily keep Americans from being friends, unless perhaps they were Yankees-Red Sox fans or Dodgers-Giants fans.  I guess that there are some areas that are hard to overcome, but even still I don’t know about you but I long for a better day, a day where Americans are not at war with each other, a day when you don’t get threatened with physical harm by wacko radicals on either end of the political spectrum or religious divide.  I long for a day when the President doesn’t call his political opponents enemies and where his opposition doesn’t treat him as the devil.  I long for the day when the majority of the population would say “O Crap, there’s a war going on maybe we should do something to help” rather than leave it to “we happy few,” the less than 1% of the population that is serving in the military and the fewer that have actually served in combat zones.  I’d like to return to a point when government and business put the good of the country and of Americans before their own political agenda or corporate bottom line.

Yes my friends I am an idealist and unfortunately a moderate idealist seems to be a dying breed among people who choose up sides and smell armpits before they do battle with their enemies. Like Milo Bloom I would like to see the country return to principles of compassion, tolerance and peace.  However I have lost my youthful idealism in the past decade, I have misplaced my sense of eternal optimism and yes I have lost my marbles.  I actually bought some new ones on the way home from West Virginia last month but one of those is gone too.

Yes I am one of those thoughtful people who ponder the imponderable, imagine the impossible and believe the best.  I am to coin a phrase definitely “out of sane.” You see my existential musings are not always appreciated by those who are ready to go to war with anyone who does not believe like them and “thoughtful intangibles” are not welcome in many places in this new millennium. Yet that is my world where a moderate is branded by the left a “warmongering fascist fundamentalist” and the right as a “commie-pinko atheistic swine.” This state my friends, reminds me of a song:

Where have all the moderates gone? Long time passing

Where have all the moderates gone? Long time ago

Where have all the moderates gone? Silenced by Radicals every one

When will they ever learn? When will they ever learn?

So to Barack and Sarah, John and Joe, Harry, Nancy and Eric as well as all the other politicians and pundits have fun for the next few years because as bad as things are there is still baseball and finally for the first time in my life the Giants have won the World Series.  Politicians and ideologues like all of you may last through the night, but baseball comes in the morning…well in this case Spring but still, baseball will outlast the current madness as it has done so many times before.

Peace my friends,

Padre Steve+

 

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September 6, 2010 · 02:54

Starfleet Gets a Communications Upgrade: The Tale of the Blackberry

Note: My inspiration for this story is my recent experience with a Blackberry Curve and its replacement provided by Verizon Wireless.  I have no complaints about the Verizon staff that have attempted without success to fix this problem as it is a fault with the blasted Blackberry. As I waited patiently for a very polite Verizon store staff to work with technician to solve the problems I was having I began to think about what it would be like if in the Star Trek Original Series if Starfleet had provided Blackberries to the Enterprise on a critical mission. I figure that I at least need to be able to laugh about this. Hopefully I tomorrow when I take my third Blackberry into the Verizon store in the space of three weeks I will get to experience the joy of a working communications device.

Peace, Padre Steve+


On the border of the Federation-Romulan Neutral Zone.

“Good morning Captain, we have reached Cheron and established orbit. There are no Romulan ships within sensor range.”

“Thank you Spock, must you always be so cheerful in the morning?” replied a grinning Kirk. “So what is our status?”

“Sir the away team is ready for the mission. Doctor McCoy, Lieutenant Sulu and Mr. Scott will beam down with you and the security team.”

“Good, so Spock I do hope that we can get out of here after checking the planet before the Romulans discover that we are here.”

“Patently sir, in light of the Romulan defeat here during the First Romulan War it would be inadvisable to remain here too long.” Spock’s crisp and matter of fact delivery underscored the potential threats to the Enterprise and the away team as they looked to determine if the Romulans had attempted to establish a new outpost on the planet.

“Captain” Lieutenant Uhura rose from her console on the starboard side of the bridge.

“Yes Lieutenant, is there something that I need to know?”

“Why yes Captain,” the pretty communications officer replied. “There has been a change in the standard communication equipment for away teams.”

“What, why wasn’t I informed of this?”

“Well sir, it is a Starfleet wide upgrade. We received the equipment on our last visit to Starbase 234 before our departure for this mission.” Uhara paused “It is a major improvement.  According to Starfleet the device is called a Blackberry and it will replace the communicator and many of the functions now performed by our Tricorders.”

“But why wasn’t I told?”

“Sir, it was an oversight, it won’t happen again.”

“Make sure it doesn’t Lieutenant, otherwise” Kirk paused appearing to search for his next words “otherwise there won’t be any chubby sex for you.”

“Captain, I don’t think that is appropriate” protested Uhura.

“Appropriate?”

“Captain, Starfleet regulations do say that the use of sexual terms with subordinates of the opposite sex is a violation of the Equal Opportunity and Sexual Harassment policies established by the Federation Commission on Equal Opportunity and ratified by the Federation Senate for all Federation government offices including Starfleet.”

“Okay Spock I get it, it was just the Mad Cow.”

“Mad cow Captain?” Spock replied raising an eyebrow.

“Never mind, just a quote from one of my favorite 21st Century television characters, Denny Crane.”

“I have never heard of him.”

“The show is called Boston Legal, I have all of the DVD’s.  Come by my stateroom and we’ll watch them from season one through five.” Kirk winked as Spock looked on with a hint of disapproval on his Vulcan face.

“So Lieutenant, that was out of line and I apologize. It won’t happen again.”

“Until the next time” whispered McCoy to Scott.

“Anyway, Lieutenant Uhura, before I was so correctly corrected by my First Officer, please tell me about these Blackberry devices.”

“This is one here.” Uhura pulled out a small device which had a tiny keyboard as well as a view screen.

“My I look at it?”

“Please Captain, you’ll find it quite handy.  You will be able to communicate with the ship, away team members, check your e-mail, messages and have the universe at your fingertips.”

“So I can surf the web and access my Face Space account while on an away team?”

“Well yes, Captain.”

“Good.  We’ll start using them on this mission; make sure everyone on the away team has one.” Kirk looked at Spock. “Spock did you hear that I can surf the web and access my Face Space account on this thing even on away missions? Why didn’t anyone think of this sooner?”

Uhura interrupted. “Captain, I would prefer that we wait until the next mission.”

“No.  We take them on this mission.” Kirk paused. “After all what could go wrong?  Starfleet has tested them out right?”

“Well, yes sir, but the contractor says that we should wait.”

“Contractor?”

“Yes Captain, to save money Starfleet has contracted the Blackberry service to Verizon Universal.” Uhura sounded almost apologetic. “But we do have a contracting service representative dedicated to us and I can contact him anytime.”

“So let’s see, I have a device that replaces communicators and Tricorders that I can surf the web and check my Face Space on, which has been tested by Starfleet and that we have a designated technician dedicated to us and you’re saying that I should wait?”

“Well, maybe it’s just me Captain…”

“Lieutenant Uhura, if I recall I am the Captain, correct?”

“Well….” Uhura hesitated for a moment and continued “Yes Captain.”

“So if I am the Captain of the Enterprise; which indeed by Starfleet order I am; that means that I do get the final say on my ship?  Mr. Spock, do you concur?”

“Yes Captain, I concur.  However, I do not think that the Lieutenant is questioning your ability to command the Enterprise but rather her belief that we should test the devices on a mission that is not so close to the Neutral Zone.”

“But Spock, the best of Starfleet have certified these devices and Verizon Universal has over nearly 300 years of experience in wireless communications.” Kirk paused. “Wouldn’t you agree that this isn’t rocket science, Spock? This is communications, not the Warp drive. What could go wrong?”

“Captain I was merely posing as the Devil’s advocate. You are the Captain and the decision is yours.”

“Devil’s advocate, you have the ears for it Spock,” quipped Doctor McCoy eliciting a chuckle from Ensign Chekov at the helm and a raised eyebrow from Spock.

“Well if that’s the case Lieutenant, I want to have these on the away mission. I’ll let Scotty carry a communicator and Bones can carry a Tricorder,  but the rest of us will have these.”

“But Captain, one more thing….” Uhura paused and then continued: “Starfleet says that we might have intermittent problems with the old systems as we make the switch. The Tricroders are scheduled to receive new software when it is pushed by Starfleet. It was supposed to happen this morning. Starfleet technical says that it will be later, but they don’t know when.”

“I don’t see a problem Lieutenant, and I’m the Captain, James Tiberius Kirk. Don’t forget it.” Kirk chuckled as he looked at the Blackberry. “I can check my Face Space on this? what will Starfleet think of next?  Maybe they can give me the ability to book a trip on Priceline while on an away mission.”

Spock shook his head and McCoy grinned as Kirk started playing with the touch screen on the device. Kirk looked up at his staff and said “Scotty, Bones, Sulu, meet me in transporter room with a security team in half an hour. We have to get to the planet, see what is going on and get out of here before a bunch of Romulan Birds of Prey show up.  Spock you have the Enterprise and Uhura, make sure that nothing goes wrong with these devices while I am checking my Face Space…I mean when we’re on the planet surface.”

“Aye Captain” replied Scotty, his distinctive Scottish brogue echoed by McCoy and Sulu. Spock, Uhura and McCoy nodded their agreement as Kirk continued “Well what are you waiting for?  Let’s get going.”

A half hour later, Kirk, McCoy, Scotty, Sulu and the 3 members of the security team met in the transporter room where Lieutenant Kyle the Transporter Chief awaited them. As the doors swished open and closed, Kirk approached Kyle.

“Mr. Kyle we are going to beam down to the surface. I need you to make sure that you keep a good lock on us in case the Romulans show up.”

“Captain, I will do the best that I can but the transporter lock application is not loaded on your Blackberry. I can, however maintain the lock on Mr. Scott’s communicator as long as that device is functioning correctly.”

“Scotty, why wasn’t I told about this?”

“Sir, I dinna really think that you would want to go to the surface depending on some newfangled contraption, so I didn’t say anything.  Besides Captain, when you started talking about your Face Space account, I knew that there was no convincing you.”

“Correct, that is why I asked you Mr. Scott.  Remember the name is James Tiberius Kirk.  I beat the Kobayashi Maru test. Besides, even if this doesn’t work right I AM James Tiberius Kirk and I will win. Besides, we booked this trip on Priceline and it’s not refundable.”

The away team muttered in agreement and Kirk continued: “Gentlemen, we will beam down to the planet and find out what is going on before the Romulans figure out that we are here.” Kirk paused for a moment. “Mr. Kyle,  tell Lieutenant Uhura that I expect that even if you cannot keep a lock on these Blackberries, that I DO expect to be able to check my Face Space account while on the planet surface.”

“Your Face Space account sir?” asked a confused transporter chief.

“You heard me Lieutenant. My Face Space account, and if you expect to get far in Starfleet you’d better get one too.”

“Yes sir” replied the transport chief as he looked at Mr. Scott who simply nodded his head.

“Well gentlemen, what are we waiting for?”  Kirk paused again, “it’s not Mad Cow or am I forgetting something?”

“What?…your Mad Cow?” asked McCoy.

“Bones, I know that I’m forgetting something and I can’t remember what.” Kirk paused again and continued “I remember now… where is Yeoman Rand right now?  She is supposed to be on the away team.”

“Jim you didn’t include her on the away team” replied McCoy.

“I didn’t include include her?  Bones, what was I thinking? Mr. Kyle, call for Yeoman Rand to meet us here.  We’ll wait for her before we beam down.”

Scotty interrupted. “But Captain, shouldn’t we get down now to be finished before the Romulans arrive?”

“Mr. Scott. I AM the Captain and Yeoman Rand is essential personnel on any away mission that I am on.  Besides, someone has to record my every thought for history sake, because after the mission I’m going to consume a few pints of Romulan ale and won’t remember a damned thing.”

“Well, that makes sense.” Replied McCoy.

“Well she is a girl, but even I can understand in some ways” added Sulu.

“Don’t forget Sulu, I am a real man, not gay like you…not that there is anything wrong with that, even if you are still in the closet. I mean, it’s not that you are in the closet or even out of it…but it’s none of my business or anyone else’s business or anything like that. You know, don’t ask don’t tell like Starfleet regulations tell us.”

Sulu glared at Kirk, while the others in the transport room maintained silence. Sulu looked at McCoy and said: “This will go in my autobiography.”  As the away team waited and Scotty and Kyle talked technical specifications, Yeoman Janice Rand entered the transporter room.  The doors swished open and closed as the pretty blond yeoman with stacked hair, clad in the Starfleet regulation red mini-dress female uniform and black high rise boots approached Kirk.

“Yeoman Rand reporting as ordered sir.”

“Yeoman Rand, I’m sorry for the late notice, but your presence is required on this mission.”

“Thank you sir, I will do what I can to help the mission succeed” replied the young woman.

Kirk looked at McCoy, who was looking at the deck and putting his hand on his shoulder whispered “it’s good to be the Captain, Bones; it’s good to be the Captain.” Kirk then looked about the room and continued “Gentlemen and Miss Rand, let’s get going, what are we waiting for?”

With that, the team stepped aboard the transporter platform and Kirk patted Rand on the behind as he said to Kyle “Mr. Kyle, energize.”

Kyle pushed the transporter lever into the transport mode and the team dematerialized from the pad.

Seconds later the team rematerialized on the planet’s surface.  Though a class M planet, Cheron’s surface was devoid of any meaningful foliage and very rocky and mountainous; much like areas just outside of Los Angeles or a sound stage at NBC studios in Burbank. Kirk looked around and as the team began to make equipment checks and their initial scans of the area.

“Captain, I’m picking up subspace transmissions from that hill,” interjected McCoy pointing the Tricorder toward the hill that rose about 500 meters from the team.

“Subspace transmissions, Bones?”

“Yes sir Captain, from that hill. I think they may be Romulan.”

Kirk looked at Scotty and Sulu. Yeoman Rand moved closer to Kirk and the three security team members fanned out around the team leaders, their phasers at the ready.

Kirk looked at his team; “I think that we have our smoking gun. The Romulans either have been here or are here right now. We need to establish that as fact, recover the evidence and get it out of here before the Romulans know that we’re here. We’ll move toward the hill. Sulu, you and crewman Jones take the left; Scotty and crewman Evans take the right. Bones, you Yeoman Rand and Ensign Smith come with me.  I’ll contact the ship.”

Kirk pulled out his Blackberry and punched the Enterprise icon on the touch screen. “Kirk to Enterprise, away team on planet surface, subspace emissions detected, moving to investigate.” The Blackberry remained silent. Kirk tired again. “Kirk to Enterprise, Uhura, Spock do you read me?” There was no response. “Bones, Scotty, Sulu, try to contact the ship on your Blackberries.”

The three officers each tried their Blackberries. Scotty looked up at Kirk and said “Captain, something has drained the batteries.  My Blackberry has almost no power left, and it registers a 1 X and not a 3G network.”

“What do you mean Scotty? 1 X, 3G what the hell does that mean?”

“Captain, I mean that you won’t be able to access the Enterprise or your Face Space account on this piece of junk.”

“You mean I can’t access my Face Space account?”

“Not that or anything else. Like I’ve said before, the more complicated they are the easier they are to break.”

“Can you contact them on your communicator Scotty?”

“I can try sir, it is a good thing that Uhura and Spock recommended that we have them.”

“Mr. Scott, if you will recall, it was I that said that you would carry a communicator, not Uhura” interjected an obviously irritated Kirk.

“Sulu, you take crewman Jones and Evans and find out what is creating that subspace emission and get back here within the hour. We cannot communicate so it is imperative that you find what is going on and at least one of you get back with the information. Hopefully we will be able to contact the Enterprise by the time you return.”

“Yes Captain” replied Sulu. “Evans, Jones, follow me.” Sulu set off at a jog toward the hill followed by the two security officers.

“Bones, can you figure out what is going on with these Blackberries?”

“Captain, I’m a doctor not a service technician,” replied a sarcastic sounding McCoy.

“Captain, I have contact with the Enterprise,” said Scotty.

“Give me that communicator Scotty!” interrupted Kirk, grabbing the device from his Chief Engineer’s hands.

“Uhura, Spock, can you read me? This is Kirk.”

“Captain, I read you but not well. Can you tell me your situation?” replied the Communications officer.

“Uhura, what is going on? These Blackerries are rotten! Nothing works! I can’t access my Face Space like you told me that I would!” Kirk’s voice was excited and sounded perturbed. Spock noted this as he listened in on the conversation. “Captain, I would say that it would be wise to end the mission, return to the ship and worry about your Face Space later.”

“But Spock, IT IS IN THE CONTRACT! Besides I just sent Sulu with crewmen Evans and Jones to check the source of the subspace emissions.”

“Subspace emissions, Captain?” asked Spock.

“Yes Spock, subspace emissions.”

Spock turned from the communications officer station and said to Ensign Chekov and Lieutenant O’Reilly “Gentlemen we may have company. Scan for any subspace emissions of evidence of a cloaked ship, raise shields and go to Red Alert.”

“Aye Mr. Spock” replied Chekov as the Red Alert alarm was sounded.

“Captain, I have just set Red Alert and raised the shields. When you are ready to beam back to the ship, signal me.”

“Good work, Spock. I will contact you shortly but get me Uhura.”

“Lieutenant Uhura, stand by to answer the Captain’s questions.”

“Yes Mr. Spock” replied the Communications Officer. “Captain Kirk, what is your question?”

“Uhura, can you contact the Verizon Universal technician and let him know what is going on?”

“Sir, I did as soon as Mr. Scott contacted us on his communicator. The tech rep, Bob, told me that there is a known software problem and that the company would be providing a software push to all subscribers within the week and that when we arrive at Starbase 234 that the defective units will be replaced free of charge.”

“But Lieutenant Uhura… I am on a planet with a small away team.  There is a real possibly that Romulans are nearby, AND you’re telling me that my Blackberry won’t work and I can’t access my Face Space much less communicate with anyone?”

“Yes sir, that is basically what I am telling you.” Replied Uhura who was looking at Spock with an exasperated expression.

“Thank you Lieutenant. You tell Bob or whoever you are in contact with that I EXPECT this to be corrected as soon as it can be corrected.  I mean, it needs to be corrected….” Kirk paused” I think that this is ridiculous. If Verizon Universal doesn’t fix it now tell Rob or whatever his name is, that I will contact Admiral Shirley Schmidt at Starfleet Legal and have them to start proceedings against them. I understand that Commander Alan Shore is quite a litigator and will rip them a new one.”

“I will relay the message Captain.”

“Good” said Kirk “and I will contact you as soon as I can to get off of this planet. Kirk out.”

Aboard the Enterprise the bridge crew began to scan and look for any signs of a cloaked Romulan ship as Kirk and the away team continued the mission.  On the planet Kirk was talking with McCoy and Scott with Yeoman Rand beside him looking on while transcribing the conversation on her I-Pad 2265.  It was then that phaser fire was heard in the distance coming from the hill where Sulu and the security officers had gone to seek out the source of the subspace emissions.

“Take cover” ordered Kirk and the team sought cover behind the rocks surrounding their position. “Scotty, contact the Enterprise, Bones prepare to receive casualties, Ensign Smith move right and cover Mr. Sulu’s team as they return. Yeoman Rand stay close to me.” Rand moved close to Kirk’s side and Kirk put his arm around her reaching toward her buttocks. “I’ll protect you Yeoman.” Rand edged closer.

As the team took cover Sulu and one of the security officers could be seen maneuvering to get back to the rest of the team. Ensign Smith and Mr. Scott began to provide covering fire with their phasers at what appeared to be Romulan disruptor fire coming from the hill. As Sulu and the security officer got back to the site the security officer turned to return fire and was hit by a disrupter burst crumpling to the ground near McCoy.

“Bones, see if he’s okay! Sulu, what happened?” shouted Kirk.

Aboard the Enterprise the situation was tense. Mr. Scott’s message about the phaser and disruptor fire had been received and Spock paced the bridge.

“Mr. Chekov, any sign of the Romulans?”

“Sir, I am reading a distortion in space at 149 mark 916 distance 33,000 kilometers. I think it is a cloaked ship.”

“Lieutenant Kyle.”

“Kyle here sir” replied the transporter chief.

“Mr. Kyle, prepare to beam up the team.  Lock onto Mr. Scott’s communicator and beam at my command.”

“Aye Captain.” Kyle’s voice displayed no lack of confidence in his abilities.

On the planet the Enterprise away team returned fire as McCoy checked the fallen security officer. Sulu moved to Kirk to report the situation.

“Captain, we got to the hill and found a Romulan away team setting up what appears to be a sensor array. They took us under fire and crewman Evans was killed in the exchange. Jones and I returned fire and moved back to your position.”

“How many Romulans Mr. Sulu?” asked Kirk.

“Sir, there were at least a dozen, some armed with disruptor rifles. We downed several with our phasers, but I expect that there are more in the vicinity moving our direction.” Sulu wiped his brow but appeared calm even as he made the report.

“Thank you Lieutenant, take position over there and protect our flank.”

“Aye sir.”

“Bones, how is crewman Jones?”

“Jim, he’s dead.” As McCoy gave the report on Jones a burst of disruptor fire blasted the rock in front of Lieutenant Smith who took cover and cried “Captain I’m hit!”

“Spock, get us out of here.”

“Aye, Captain.” Spock continued, “Mr. Kyle are we prepared to beam the away team to the Enterprise?”

“Ready Mr. Spock” replied the Transporter Chief, his Australian accent showing.

“Mr. O’Reilly drop shield and raise them after the transport is complete.” Spock’s order was devoid of emotion even as he ordered Kyle to beam the team up. “Mr. Kyle beam the team up now.”

“Energizing, Mr. Spock” replied the transporter Chief. Within seconds the team materialized on the transporter pad. McCoy called for corpsmen to report to tend to the wounded Lieutenant Smith. Kirk approached Kyle.

“Excellent job, Mr. Kyle.”

“Thank you sir, my pleasure.”

Kirk began to bark out orders, “Scotty, Sulu come with me, Bones take care of Lieutenant Smith. Yeoman Rand report to the bridge with me.”

As Kirk, Sulu, Scott and Yeoman Rand entered the bridge from the turbo-lift, Spock yielded the command chair to Kirk.

“Mr. Spock, thank you for your timely intervention. What is going on?”

“Captain, we believe that a Romulan Bird of Prey is cloaked. I recommend since the Romulans attacked our team on the planet that we fire a burst of photon torpedoes at the location in violation of the peace treaty.”

“Mr. O’Reilly, fire a spread of Photon Torpedoes at the location.”

“Aye Captain,” replied the young Irishman as he pressed the firing key on his operations console. A second after he did this a number of Photon Torpedo bursts exploded in the distance.  A Bird of Prey appeared was seen listing heavily to Port as its cloaking device went offline. No fire was returned by the obviously heavily damaged Romulan ship.

“Uhura, hail the Romulan.  Onscreen.”

The communications console beeped as Uhura sent a message to the Romulan. On the Enterprise Bridge view screen the Romulan ship disappeared as a Romulan officer appeared. Behind him fires burned and Romulan crew members could be seen attempting repairs.

“Federation ship, I am Praetor Taev, you have attacked my ship. I cannot return fire or communicate with my away team.”

“Praetor, we stand by to assist you.”

“Your assistance is not needed or desired. We would not be in this situation if it were not for a communications failure between us and our away team.”

“It seems that we encountered a similar situation on the planet surface” replied Kirk.

“Some advice Federation Captain, if your fleet communications bureau attempts to replace your communicators with something called Blackberries have a backup plan. Our away team was trying to rig a mobile communication array on the planet, their Blackberries would not work.”

“We will Praetor, thank you for your advice. Who is your provider, Praetor?”

“Verizon Universal, the largest wireless corporation in the known universe with almost 300 years of experience. They even had a technician dedicated to this mission, but we have executed him. His funny looking black plastic eyeglasses are being returned to his family.”

“You have my sympathies, Praetor. Since it seems that this encounter is a misunderstanding, we will allow you to make repairs and proceed on our way. You are a worthy opponent. Kirk out.”

“You as well, Captain…. in another place and time we might have been friends.” The screen went blank and an explosion was witnessed. The Bird of Prey had blown up, the fireball extended out and the explosion was felt aboard the Enterprise which trembled slightly as the shockwave from the blast reached it.

“Mr. Spock, what happened?”

“Captain it appears that the Romulan ship is destroyed. I am not sure, but they may have scuttled her because they would have been disgraced for allowing themselves to be taken by surprise. The Romulans have a keen sense of honor and would rather suffer death than return home in disgrace.”

“Pity, Spock.  The Romulan was doing what we were doing and was a victim of the same Romulan Navy and Verizon Universal communications problem that we experienced.”

“Lieutenant Uhura, make sure that this situation is corrected. Mr. Spock you have the Bridge. I am going to my cabin to watch Boston Legal and book a trip on Priceline when we get back to Earth. Yeoman Rand, meet me later to take report. I’ll Face Space you with the time and place.”

“Yes, Captain” the attractive blond blushed and smiled as Kirk winked at her and exited the Bridge.

McCoy, Scott and Spock looked at each other saying nothing. Chekov, Sulu and O’Reilly smiled in amusement while Uhura shook her head. Sulu relieved Chekov at the helm.

“Mr. Sulu, set course for Starbase 234, warp factor 3.

“Aye Mr. Spock” as Sulu punched the coordinates into the helm music began to play and the Enterprise burst into warp leaving Cheron behind.

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August 7, 2010 · 15:15

The Great Montana Dude Ranch Sleepover: Padre Steve’s Solution to Politics as Usual

Sleepover on a Dude Ranch anyone?

I don’t know about you but as a passionate moderate I am fed up with the nasty politics as usual that is killing our country.  Our political ruling class appears to be hell bent on destroying the country all to satisfy their respective need for power and to satisfy the basest wants of their most strident supporters. The corruption and malevolence of the career politicians on both sides of the aisle have bankrupted the country, cost American lives in war, cost American jobs, destroyed our manufacturing base, placed the interests of financial traders who produce nothing except promote the evil practice of usury because it makes them money which they in turn contribute copious amounts of said money to their political patrons.  Then to top it all off they pass laws that make no sense and that you have to have an army of lawyers to understand.  They are out of touch with the everyday concerns of real Americans and have done their best to destroy the fabric of our society in their quest for power and they are many times an unseemly lot who do things that regular people could never get away with. The number of ethics violations, criminal charges and convictions and resignations due to shady financial dealings, backroom deals, sexual scandals and sometimes rather nasty criminal cases are too numerous to catalogue unless you are Matt Drudge.  I won’t list them here but they include notable Democrats as well as Republicans, nor will I go into all the idiotic things that our government, both Democrat and Republican controlled administrations or congresses have done as the task would be ginormous. Since we all get spun up about different issues usually in tune with our own political or social viewpoints I leave it to you my readers to fill in the blanks and comment on what you think they are screwing up.

Part of the problem is that our political ruling class, the Federal Government particular is completely out of touch because they live in the netherworld of Washington D.C.  This city has become the symbol of all that ails the country and since our political class only leaves it to raise money for their next campaigns they have no earthly clue of what the rest of us are experiencing.  Thus they can coddle up to their big financial supporters and most demented party extremists and unseemly lobbyists representing some of the vilest elements of our society.  As a result for at least the past 10 years and I am sure a lot more they have for the most part forgotten the people that they are supposed to represent. The political class doesn’t live in our world, thus they do everything that they can not to look at what is best for the country but rather what is best for them, for their party, their supporters and their agendas.  If you ask me its all out of whack and they really all should be whacked.

Since they all spend far too much time in Washington or raising money to stay there it is high time that they get out of Dodge so to speak.  This is my idea of how we fix this situation.  My suggestion is definitely not politics as usual.  Instead it is based on relationships built from shared suffering and since we are suffering why shouldn’t they suffer too? So here’s my idea. First we shut down the government for a month. Now before you think that you won’t get what the government owes you I don’t mean the people that actually do the work.   What I mean is both houses of Congress, the White House and the Supreme Court.   We shut them down.  Let the clerks of the court do their thing, let the White House staff do its job and congressional aides deal with constituents.  Give the Russians and Chinese, the Iranians, Al Qaida, the European Union and everyone else a message that we’re busy the next month so don’t bother us.  We’ll tell them that if they mind their own business that our stand ins with itchy fingers won’t nuke them. where is Al Haig when you need him the most?  Hey MAD (mutual assured destruction)  worked during the Cold War, after all nothing like an ICBM loaded with multiple nuclear warheads to keep people in line and not do anything really stupid.

So do you hear me Mahmoud and Osama? Do you hear me?  All that would come between you and nuclear annihilation are a few disgruntled civil servants with road rage that just got to work after being stuck in Beltway traffic for 3 hours. Go ahead make our day.

Once we shut the place down we put all of these guys and gals on Greyhound buses packed to the gills.  Each bus would have a mix of members of each party really making sure those that hate each other most sit next to each other.  Secret Service and FBI agents on the buses would have the option to Taser anyone that tries to switch seats.  Then we drive them all to some big assed dude ranch in Montana, outfit them in silly looking cowboy clothes with boots that are a bit too tight and leave them there in the charge of a bunch of cowboys at least two of which have had a recent “Brokeback Mountain” experience.

They would have no cell phones, computers or communications with the outside world or even their minions back in D.C., nope, just them and Mother Nature sharing the experience of high plains living.  In fact to liven the place up we need to bring a few folks back into the mix, some former Presidents and Speakers of the House would do fine. Also the addition of the most strident Cable TV and radio talking heads and commentators would be good too, but I digress, too many extras might spoil the moment.  Maybe we should have a separate sleepover of Rush Limbaugh and Maureen Dowd or Sean Hannity and Keith Olberman later?  No, we’ll throw them into this one to make it more fun.

This dude ranch living would be a bit Spartan. Since most of these folks a Spartan way is driving in a luxury car or SUV, having to fly First Class, staying in a luxury suite or eating at a 4 star restaurant they might have a hard time with what I propose but that would just be tough.    They made this mess and by God we’re going to get them back in touch with the real world and in the process get them to build real relationships with each other instead of the artificial life that they have led inside the beltway for years.

Once we get them to the big assed Dude Ranch we pair them up the best we can with a liberal and a conservative in each cabin.  We would try to keep the cabins of the same gender not to cause too much scandal but would make a few exceptions to that rule.  Now by cabins I don’t mean those really nice cabins that people take real vacations at, no I mean really rustic, Spartan tiny cabins with no amenities and only one bed, a full sized bed that our new roommates would need to share. The cabins would have no couches, easy chairs or love seats, no sleeping bags not even a bearskin rug, nope nothing else but the bed.  They would have a rather rustic communal outhouse to share with everyone else over a deep pit latrine and share their meals in a rather dilapidated chow hall eating off of tin plates and drinking from tin cups.  There would be a camp saloon but it would be like those of the old west, nothing but rotgut whisky, no mixed drinks, no foo-foo appetizers, no micro-brew beer. They would sleep together, eat together and have to participate in trail rides, fly fishing, Grizzly Bear hunting, rodeo events such as bull riding and calf roping as couples, odd couples, but couples nonetheless.  This togetherness would be enforced. Those Secret Service and FBI agents with their tasers… they’ll be out there too.  Anyway when our leaders go on the overnight trail rides the fun really starts.  After they eat their beans from tin plates, sing really bad western songs and take a swig or two or more of rotgut whiskey and then relieve themselves in the manner that the cowboys did in the old West they would get to curl up together in their own two person pup tent, a really small one and spoon.  This would help break down the walls that separate them and force them to get to know each other, some possibly in the Biblical sense of the word, but in the spirit of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell I won’t go there.

There is something about shared suffering to bring people together and make them realize that there is more to life than their own narcissistic agendas and power trips.  No this wouldn’t be prison for them as much as a lot of Americans think that prison would be fitting for them; prison is far too easy for our political class. Instead this would build character, character that if once they had they lost over their years inside the Beltway.

Of course they would not get to pick their room-mates so here are some of my suggestions:

President Obama and Rush Limbaugh: I know I said that the media should have their own version of this but since Limbaugh is the leader of the conservative movement he has to come and buck with his pal Barry.

Harry Reid and Orrin Hatch: They’re both Mormons so they can at least pray together.

Chief Justice John Roberts and Rachel Maddow: I don’t know it just sounds right.

Nancy Pelosi and Antonin Scalia: Sure it’s an opposite sex pairing but they are both Italians they should have fun.

Tom Tancredo and Janet Napolitano: Let’s make a run for the border and mend some fences together

Russ Feingold and Ron Paul: Government control and Libertarianism two great tastes that go great together

John Ensign and Barbara Boxer: He can’t seem to hold it in and she looks like that she could use some loving

Al Franken and Clarence Thomas: A comedian and a straight man…what a combination

John Kerry and John McCain: Both Vietnam Veterans, they understand the value of camaraderie

Mitch McConnell and Chuck Schumer: The just look like they need to be together

Diane Feinstein and Michael Savage: A San Francisco treat

Barbara Milkulski and Kay Bailey-Hutchinson: Why not?

Joe Lieberman and Arlen Spector: Not opposites but they seem to go together

Samuel Alito and Maureen Dowd: It just sounds right

Eric Holder and Glenn Beck: I sense real chemistry here

Hillary Clinton and Newt Gingrich: He’s out of office but they both want to be President

Barney Frank and Sean Hannity: They debate on his show often enough let them really get to know each other

Sarah Palin and Joe Biden: Not a recognizable cognitive thought between them all hormones and testosterone

Sheila Jackson-Lee and Ann Coulter: Salt and Pepper

Ruth Bader-Ginsberg and Pat Buchannan: It can’t get any better than this

John Boehner and Chris Dodd: I think that they could really come to love each other

Unfortunately some of our more interesting members of our political class have passed on I would have loved to throw Teddy Kennedy, Robert Byrd, Jesse Helms, Ronald Reagan and any number of others into the mix, but what can I say?

So after 30 days our political elites would board their buses and go back to their home districts or home towns.  Then they would have some real town meetings as couples, holding hands, looking dreamily into each other’s eyes and bringing peace to the political landscape.   With those pesky Secret Service and FBI agents and their tasers at the ready our leaders would have to listen to their constituents and not the lobbyists. Speaking of lobbyists they all get sent to New Guinea.   As for the Congressmen and Senators they and their new found friends would have to spend 8 months a year living in their home state or district. The would give up their palatial estates in favor of homes that are in the median real estate price for their area. They would send their kids to public schools, go to PTA meetings, coach little league or soccer, deal with local government officials as the rest of us are forced to do.  They would have to do their own grocery shopping, fight lines at  Wal-Mart, take out their own garbage and spend time sitting in traffic behind the wheel of their average car or SUV. They would fly coach or business class and go through the TSA checkpoints like the rest of us, maybe even getting the full body scan once in a while. They would sit in the drive through line at Wendy’s, make a run for the border, Taco Bell that is and shop for the lowest priced gasoline.   The four months that they spend in Washington DC will be devoted to actually fixing things that they have fouled up over the years.  They would have to pass non-pork laden budgets passed, reduce the deficit and do everything that they can to bring industry back into this country, rebuild the manufacturing base, protecting the environment as they rebuildour nation’s infrastructure and eliminate the barriers that keep small businesses and entrepreneurs from developing solutions to the challenges that face the country.  Likewise they would need to repeal all of the draconian laws that intrude on the everyday life of ordinary Americans. I want the Federal government out of our churches, out of our local public schools, out of our bedrooms and out of everything that they don’t belong in. Freedom baby, I love it.

Finally just to make sure that our now properly schooled public servants don’t forget the lessons of the Great Montana Dude Ranch Sleepover they would for two weeks each year have to do this again. Maybe it could be a trail ride in Texas and Oklahoma, a swamp safari in Louisiana complete with no mosquito repellent. Perhaps a winter camp out at the Donner Pass, a gang- reenactment camp in East L.A. or an Appalachian family get together, still building and moonshine making contest in some holler in West Virginia or Eastern Kentucky. The possibilities in our great country are endless after all learning should be a lifetime event.

Of course my pairings of political bedfellows may not work for you, maybe you have better ones.  If so feel free to add them as a comment and on this one no pairing will be denied because it’s all about togetherness.  Because as I see it everything comes down to relationships and if we can just get these folks out of Washington to share some hardship, to eat together, ride together and even spoon together after all who can’t say that they don’t feel closer to someone after spooning together?

Now before you think that I am advocating that they all have higgily-piggily sex together I am not.  However if it does happen and they get right with each other and start to work together for us what can be wrong with it? Half have probably had nasty sex with people that aren’t their spouses anyway so what difference does it make? It would be a sacrifice that they make for us, their fellow Americans.  I know that I don’t want to sleep with any of them and figure that you don’t either and I really don’t want to know what happens when they spoon.  Don’t ask don’t tell baby, don’t ask don’t tell.  Besides would you want to know what happens when Sean Hannity and Barney Frank spoon? I don’t. I’ll say it again, don’t ask, don’t tell that’s my rule for life.

If this works maybe just maybe that they will finally start looking to the issues that Americans care about. Maybe they will finally understand the desire that we all have to see our children grow up to have the opportunity to outdo us, that our children might have a better future and that the country that we live in would come together like we did in the Second World War to overcome all the obstacles that stand between us and a better future. Call me a genius or call me crazy, chalk it up to Mad Cow, after all I can’t give blood because I lived in Europe and ate too much beef. But remember “Padre Steve” is a “Uniter” not a divider, a decider not a ditherer and a real American for real Americans.

Padre Steve: a passionate moderate with radical ideas.  Sleepover anyone?

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March 27, 2010 · 16:53

Padre Steve Muses on Turning the Big Five O

“When you are younger you get blamed for crimes you never committed and when you’re older you begin to get credit for virtues you never possessed. It evens itself out.”  Casey Stengel


Fifty years ago today after putting my mother through an entirely brutal day long labor event little Padre Steve entered the world a mould was broken and a journey started.  I have to admit that fifty years is a long time, crap it’s half a century and I am now older than the average life span of men in Cameroon and 18 other countries which means that it probably sucks to be them….if I lived in one of those countries I could say what Casey Stengel said “most of the people my age are dead. You could look it up….” At the same time I’ve still got 25 1/2 years to reach the average life span in the United States.  If this was a baseball game I’d be finishing the bottom of the 6th inning.  The United States ranks 38th in the world on the average life expectancy of a man behind such countries as Cuba of which almost all have universal health care or socialized medicine.  I mean what’s up with that? If I was French, Canadian, German, English or one of these other countries I would have a longer life expectancy?  Hmmm…I do read speak and write German and my friend Gottfried keeps asking us to move there when I retire from the Navy.

One good thing is that I neither look nor act my age. When I was in Iraq my assistant RP2 Nelson Lebron and I were having lunch at the chow hall in Fallujah as we travelled out west at the beginning of our deployment with five other RPs as well as a number of Marines and Corpsmen. He decided to ask them how old they thought that I was.  At the time I was a mere 47.  The young folks at the table guessed anywhere from 32 to 42.  I thought that was rather cool.  I used to enjoy getting “carded” at the grocery store when buying beer but now since many places say that they card anyone who appears to be under 40 the thrill of that is gone.

Jeff and Me

Even so it is cool to have people think that I am younger than I am, I remember once when one of my nephews asked my younger brother if he was older than me.  Jeff did not see the humor in this but I admit he does act more mature than me….he grew up and I didn’t, but when he was a kid dad said that he was 8 going on 40. He was appalled when the Abbess and I went out on toilet paper raids.  I guess someone has to be the adult….better him than me, he has kids, and I don’t. It’s like Satchel Paige said “Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.” And since I don’t mind, it don’t matter.

True Love…Me with Judy at Cal State Northridge in 1980 or 1981

Besides looking good for my age my health has returned and I am feeling much better, physically, emotionally and spiritually than I did at 48 or 49 when I was dealing with PTSD, chronic pain and a spiritual crisis.  I had a check up and the doctor was blown away by my lab numbers and vitals.  He said I was in better health than most people that he sees the vast majority of who are a lot younger than me.  The same was true when I was serving at Navy EOD.  I guess that “50” is the new “30” after all, at least for me.  I took one of those “Real Age” tests a while back and it put me in my early 30s.  While I cannot and will not predict the future if all goes well I should be around many years and be pretty healthy doing it.  Heck my paternal grandmother was riding Greyhound buses across country and traveling well into her 80s.  I guess that I have pretty good genetic stock.  Of course since there is a whole lot that I have no control I am very careful not to prognosticate about how long I might live,  as Casey Stengel said “I don’t make predictions, especially about the future” after all the future ain’t what it used to be.”

47th Birthday in Jordan

Now in 50 years I have seen and done a lot and spent my birthday in some unusual places and sometimes in places where it went unrecognized.  Not that this is an issue for me as I normally shy away from such attention because I didn’t do anything to earn it.   Now I do appreciate people thinking of me and wishing me well. Yesterday our enlisted staff in the Pastoral Care office brought me in a cake and a card signed by all the staff.  It was really touching, the black icing on the cake was appropriate. I love working with this young men and women, they are great.  I have celebrated this auspicious occasion here in the states but also in places like Jordan, Germany and South Korea. South Korea was cool because some of the South Korean Chaplains took me out for dinner at a pizza parlor. I have also celebrated it at sea off the coast of the Horn of Africa.

With NJROTC friends aboard USS Gray shortly after 18th Birthday at Pearl Harbor

I think that life should be enjoyed to the fullest. I personally do not know how some people who have a choice chose not to enjoy life and I’m like talking about people with more talent, ability, money and looks than I will ever have, but they are miserable and they quite literally hate life, not only theirs but despise almost everything about the world that they live in.  Others allow themselves to be consumed by causes and events that they have no control of whatsoever.  Quite often these folks are the same folks who hate life in general but not always.

Me with Jeff and Minnesota Twins player Rich Reese

Now as anyone who knows me well can attest I am not one who has any illusions about how difficult life can be, how things can get all messed up and that life can be painful and sometimes tragic.  I understand this because I have gone through some pretty sucky times.  Thus I know for a fact that “there comes a time in every man’s life, and I’ve had plenty of them.”

41st Birthday in Korea with South Korean Marine Chaplains and their Families

I think that in order to live life to the fullest that people need to take what is serious seriously and ease up on most other stuff.  I know that I have only a certain amount of emotional energy and I finally figured out that I don’t need to expend it on things that I can’t control.  I am finally learning that in order to be at peace you cannot constantly be at war or looking for one. Are some things worth fighting for? Certainly, but not every battle is mine to fight.

I think a lot of what has helped me is that I am pretty happy with the person that I am and instead of looking to change things about me I just want to do what I do better within my limitations and neither be deluded into believing my own press or that of others about me or to be discouraged by failure or blame.  Satchel Paige said it well “Not to be cheered by praise, not to be grieved by blame, but to know thoroughly one’s own virtues or powers are the characteristics of an excellent man.”

So 50 years, it has been a long time but I feel good about my past and the future.  I am fortunate to have many friends including some that actually like me.  I have been blessed in a lot of ways, sometimes I understand what Lou Gehrig meant when he said “I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.” I am both lucky and blessed. I have a wonderful wife, family, friends, education and experiences that I could not have imagined having when I turned 18.  I have been able to travel about the world see and appreciate people from a multitude of countries, cultures and religions.  I have had the privilege of serving my country in peace and war, and to be a Priest. Despite all the problems we are having I live in a wonderful country and I have what I need. I am blessed beyond belief.

The past couple of days I have received the well wishes of more friends than I can count. Last night I was able to see a Norfolk Admirals hockey game and will be going out with Judy tonight and then to top off the day FEDEX dropped off my season tickets for the Norfolk Tides.  Thus I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary.

Peace my friends especially to my classmates from Edison High School 1978 who like me are all turning 50 soon or already have.

Blessings,

Padre Steve+

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