Saturday Morning Distractions-Jehovah’s Witnesses at the Door

molly-and-daddy Me and Molly, Canine Terrorist and defender of the Realm reading my blog.

The morning was quiet, too quiet.  I had taken a leisurely light breakfast of Kellogg’s Special K with cinnamon and pecans and sliced fresh bananas, with my Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla coffee with non-fat french vanilla creamer.  Laptop on my lap and dog at my side I perused Facebook, read my favorite comics and scanned my home town newspaper’s obituaries and crime beat sections.  What better way of keeping track of old acquaintances? The morning seemed ideal. Then it changed.

Placidly laying next to me on the couch after finishing off the residue of the milk from my cereal bowl, my little canine terrorist exploded into action, alerting me to the danger at hand.   I had not heard anything, in fact I am not sure if the unwelcome visitors even had time to push the doorbell or knock. However my little shit was now at the door barking furiously as she bounced up and down her hackles raised.

Dislodging my laptop from my lap I rushed to the door yelling “MOLLY DAMMIT SHUT THE HELL UP OR I GET THE BOTTLE!”  The “bottle” is what we call the “Molly Bottle” a small spray bottle filled with water with which we soak the little shit when she fails to obey when people come to the door.  As I got to the door I moved her back and opened the door just a bit, leaning over to keep an eye on her while seeing who was at the door. My eyes spied a woman with a book bag with an Awake magazine, while Molly charged the glass storm door barking furiously. Looking up I simply said “Go away or the dog will eat you.” and closed the door.  Satisfied Molly trotted back to the living room. Judy said “Did you punish her her for disobeying?”  As Molly and I each got back on the couch and Molly moved next to me, I said “no, but I almost told her that she was a good girl.” Judy, looking disgusted said “I think that you just did.” Molly wagged.  All was right in her little world and peace returned to our quiet abode.

Now let me get this straight.  This is not a hit piece on the Witnesses.  They have every right to waste their Saturdays bothering people who just want to be left alone, like yours truly.  I just don’t get it though.  When I was a young person I would attempt to counter-evangelize them as they came to the door, since of each pair one is always in training.  Giving up on that as I got older I would politely tell them that I was not  interested.  As I have gotten even older and come back from Iraq my resentment for anyone ignoring our doormat which plainly states: “We love our vacuum, we found God, and we gave at the office,” has become palpable.  I don’t want to be bothered by the Witnesses, vendors or any other solicitors.  I will however give the young Mormon missionaries a nice greeting as one of their Army Chaplains saved my ass and career when I was a young chaplain. He is now the denomination endorsing agent. Both Judy and I provide these young men with his contact info should they desire to enter the military as a chaplain. They are usually surprised by our friendliness and leave somewhat perplexed.

What I don’t get about the Witnesses is the illogic of their whole system.  Now I know that atheists say this about all religions.  But as one who believes firmly in the Deity,as expressed in both in the Apostle’s and Nicene Creeds, I just don’t go around knocking other people who believe in God for the fun of it.  I do respect the beliefs of others even if I disagree with them.  I believe in our country that we have a wonderful history of tolerance for wide variations of religious practices, and that this tolerance is good for everyone. I will not mess with the Witnesses gooned up understanding of the Godhead, hackneyed translation of the Bible, the many times they have predicted the Second Coming and missed, or their somewhat odd social customs or limitations on medical care here.  I will only focus on the odds of going to real heaven if you join them.

Like I said, I just don’t get it.  The Witness system is one that if you join you will be destined to fail to make the grade.  There is no way around this cold fact. The Witness only believe that 144,000 will get to top level, real heaven.  The rest of them, number 144,001 and higher will end up petting animals and picking fruit on a perfect earth.  Unbelievers are simply annihilated, do not pass Hell and do not collect $200.  The Mormons have a much better deal, if you are a male Mormon who has done all the right Mormon stuff you get to be God of your own planet.  Now I have no desire to be God, far too much work and trouble if you ask me, but a pretty good deal if they are right about this stuff.  For the Mormons good religious folks get to second level eternal life, especially if they have been baptized by proxy by a Mormon friend or relative. Real scum get to go to hell.

Let’s face it.  If there have been millions and millions of Witnesses since they came into being and only 144,000 boat spaces in heaven, then the odds are stacked against you for getting in.  Since you acquire points by bringing other people in you are in effect creating more competition for those slots.  Not really a good idea if you ask me, not that I’m selfish or anything.  Now let’s suppose that you became a Witness, handed out tons of Watchtower and Awake magazines and ushered in gazillions of other people into the faith.  Let’s say that you did enough to break into the top level.  You work your way up to 144,000 and then pass away.  You got in  right?  Not so fast.  Joe Schmuckatelli the lapsed Catholic that you converted the week before you passed away got serious about his new found faith.  He really hustled and was a superstar, the guy was a hall of fame Witness converting half the population of Salt Lake City to the faith.  Hey, I said he was an all star, he even out hustled the Mormons on their home field.  Old Joe not only gets in, but by getting into the top tier he bumps you out.  It’s just not right, its unfair.  You work you ass off and end up picking fruit and petting animals for all eternity.  That just blows.

Anyway, thank God for my little canine terrorist.  Peace, Steve+


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