I am broken…. That my friends is a fact that I am reminded of daily, especially when I open my life to strangers.
There is a quote by General William Tecumseh Sherman that defines my view of caring for people, friends, colleagues and peers. Sherman said of Grant: “Grant stood by me when I was crazy, and I stood by him when he was drunk, and now we stand by each other.”
That may seem confounding to some, even offensive. However, since I can say that I have been crazy and drunk that Sherman’s words have a particular relevance and affinity to me.
A few years ago as I was beginning to emerge from my period of complete loss of faith and agnosticism following my post Iraq PTSD crash I wrote an article called Raw Edges: Are there other Chaplains out there Like Me? It was an article that I basically wrote to see if there were other clergy or chaplains that were going through similar experiences.
While I did receive some feedback from chaplains and other clergy going through similar issues, the article eventually attracted the attention of a newspaper, followed by the DOD Real Warriors program. In late 2012 I was interviewed by David Wood of the Huffington Post about Moral Injury and featured in a front page article in the Washington Times in early April of this year. That being said all of those experiences, tough ending up being very positive I did not seek out and were quite scary because when I share intimate things about me with anyone it is risky, especially if they are clergy.
The fact is that I have a terrible fear and distrust of most clergy. I have written before that I am afraid of Christians, but I think that I am even more afraid of clergy. Frankly I don’t feel safe or normal when I am around most clergy. I actually feel more at home with atheists, agnostics and other skeptics or doubters hanging out at my favorite watering hole or the ballpark than I do with other clergy.
Part is from my own experience, but also my experience in seeing friends and others treated badly by other clergy. Thus I neither feel safe or accepted by most clergy, be they military chaplains or civilians. The sad thing is I know I am not alone.
That being said, clergy are often the last people who want to admit that they are broken or flawed. I may be a Priest and Chaplain but I know that I and both broken and terribly flawed, as I like to say I am a “Mendoza Line” Christian and Priest. I don’t do the Christian life very well, like Mario Mendoza I hit about .200, just enough to keep myself in the majors but never enough to be a Hall of Fame contender or super-star by any means. I am a flawed journeyman who works hard and cares about his work, but who lacks that natural ability as well as connections of others.
Today was hard. I was reminded by someone at work, a student who is a peer in the chaplain corps, in an incident that could have been intention or unintentional that I am flawed, and to some senior leaders inconsequential. I say this because as I have gone through the living hell of dealing with PTSD and Moral Injury over the past six years that for the most part it has not been fellow chaplains or clergy who have been there for me. Instead it has been atheists, agnostics, skeptics, other doubters as well as non-Christians of various persuasions who have taken the time to both care for me and affirm me and my ministry. Needless to say there have been some other Christians and clergy to do this, but they are a decided minority, as Dietrich Bonhoeffer so chillingly noted:
“Many people are looking for an ear that will listen. They do not find it among Christians, because these Christians are talking where they should be listening.”
If anyone wonders why people are fleeing the church and why the fastest growing religious preference in the United States is “none” one only has to look to me. If I wasn’t already a Christian there is little in American Christianity that would attract me to Jesus. But that being said I have to remind myself of the words of the man who coined the term “the wounded healer” Father Henri Nouwen. He noted “Ministry means the ongoing attempt to put one’s own search for God, with all the moments of pain and joy, despair and hope, at the disposal of those who want to join this search but do not know how.”
The fact is I am damaged goods, but then of we are honest all of us are, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. As far as what I believe that of itself is something that is at the heart of the Christian understanding of reconcilliation. Thus, to all of those that struggle as I do, I wish you all the best, knowing that somewhere in the grace of God that there is a place for all of us.
Peace
Padre Steve+
The Inglorius Padre Steve's World 
Padre,
I dont care what they say. Jesus said wide it the gate to Hell and narrow is the gate to Heaven. Sir, your Mendoza line average is certaintly more than enough to get you in the narrow gate. And maybe that is the thing, because the modern all time greats are just fooling themselves.
All I can say, Padre, is you seem like a good bloke to me.
We are all flawed because we are all human – it’s just a matter of degree. Fortunately, there is no “except” anywhere in John 3:16. Peace and White Light, Padre.
I spent several years among the Unitarians looking for spiritual nourishment; the wrangling over religious questions can be just as contentious for the “nones” or the “SNR”s who seek answers in community. Ultimately it was the stories told about God and His encounters with us that drew me back in to the church. John Irving was one of those authors (particularly in “A Prayer For Owen Meany”). He turned me on to Paul Tillich, who had quite a lot to say about the supposed loss of faith. Having doubts and fearing the loss of one’s faith is not a sign of the weakness of anyone’s faith in God as ultimate concern, but rather an indication of the depth of one’s conviction that God is the ground of one’s own being. I know that there are cases of spiritual neuroticism out there, but it seems to me that not being concerned with the consequences of being wrong about God means that one’s ultimate concern is elsewhere. (Just my $0.02)
Steve,
As you well know Mendoza was in the majors.. it may not be heaven but it is close. You are in great company and you bring many tools to your ministry. Your faith was tested, came back stronger with a deeper emotional and intellectual component and as a result I suspect you are a more effective priest. Never forget that Mendoza was one hell of a defensive player and worse things could be said about a person as they move through life.
Thankyou Steve…I agree with you whole heartedly. I have long tried to be a listener. As I often say…”We learn a lot when, as clergy, we keep our mouths shut…and our ears open….”. Thankyou for this reflection…Cheeers and encouragement to you….Jeff