Category Archives: PTSD

November 4, 2009 · 00:06

I’m Leaving on a Jet Plane…Reflections on the Islands of Unhappy Travelers

The 80’s group Blondie had a hit called “Island of Lost Souls.” I love that song; it is kind of quirky and fun. However, there is a time when you run into a place where the song seems more true than not. Airports are one of those places, they tend to be some of the most angst and anger filled venues known to man, excepting of course Fed-Ex Field where Dan Snyder is doing his best to destroy the Redskins and drive off their fans. However, I digress as I couldn’t care a whit about the Redskins because they are a football team, though I have sympathy for the fans that have been banned from bringing signs into the stadium. With that exception and maybe the U.S. Capitol building and the set of any Cable Television talk show where politics is being debated the airports have to be pretty close to the top of the hate and discontent list.

I had to travel to Florida in the spring for chaplain conference. Since I came back from Iraq I do travel a lot less well than I used to and to make matters worse conferences of almost any kind at best come close to pushing me to the edge. Sleep tends to be difficult for me, especially before I travel on commercial airlines and endure the hell of airports. The night before I travel, I try to anticipate every contingency, going through my packing list and ensuring I have everything that I need. Then after I go to bed I get up an hour later to make sure that I indeed get everything. Once I am sure that I do I go back and check the multiple alarm clocks that I have set just to make sure I don’t miss my flight. I know why I do this. Before Iraq I traveled a lot and got good at it. However in Iraq a did a lot more of this and got into a routine of checking, double checking and even triple checking to make sure that I had everything that I needed. Over there I knew that if I forgot something, even something simple that it would not be available the places that I was going or places that I might get marooned. I have carried that experience back with me. I pack and lay out all my clothes the night before I go to work. I actually use the same pack that I carried on every mission in Iraq. It is an excellent piece of gear, made by Blackhawk.

Anyway that day was a hellish travel day. The weather across the east coast was crappy. My first flight was delayed an hour, my second flight as well. If that was not bad enough the good folks at Delta airlines failed to have people at gates and jet ways when gate changes happened, leaving people to miss flights and nearly miss vacation cruises. On our connecting flight at Atlanta’s Harts-Jackson Field was delayed, in my case that was a good thing as had it been on time I would have missed it. While in line waiting for the flight announcements were periodically made, each one either delivering a later flight time or excuse for the delay. The excuses often were inconsistent. I began to think that they were lying to us. Now I’m not saying that an airline would lie, but it seemed to my little pea brain that the excuses conflicted and each new excuse contradicted the last pathetic excuse. I hate bad liars. Let’s face it, if you are going to lie be consistent and strive to make it believable, politicians, lawyers and TV evangelists are great at this. Unfortunately the people lying to us were not very believable. However it may have been that they actually believed what they were saying which would be as George Costanza once said: “It’s not a lie if you believe it.”

As I waited that day I surveyed my fellow disgruntled travelers. I was deep into a PTSD induced ass kinking anxiety attack. By the time this was going on time I had taken both of my extra meds as well as my 8 AM and 1230 PM doses of Samuel Adams Boston Lager. Normally I’ll wait until dinner for a beer, but I knew that I needed a bit more on that trip. I try not to self-medicate and over the past year have gotten a lot better in not doing this. However there as something about airports and airline travel that almost inevitably pushes my buttons and so I will do this to take the edge off and keep me somewhat sane until I can get to my destination and hide.

I went to a conference in Orlando in the summer of 2008 shortly after my PTSD diagnosis and that about put me over the edge. If you have PTSD the Gateway to the fricking “Happiest place in the world” is the portal to hell. Thus only a few months after coming out of a combat zone I discovered that Orlando during the height of the summer pilgrimage to Wally World to see Randy Rodent and Doofey is not a fun experience.

Thanks be to God for her good care during this trip. She ensured that my doctor had given good drugs and the airport pubs provided good beer not to mention a Chili Dog with mustard. Thus by the middle of the afternoon I was doing far better than most of my fellow travelers. It definitely sucked to be them. It was then that the Blondie song came into my mind. Atlanta’s airport was not the Island of Lost Souls but the Land of Unhappy Travelers. I listened to some of the folks around me as they lamented their situation and it sounded like “Lemony Snickets: A Series of Unfortunate Events.” Atlanta had become the vortex of very disgruntled travelers who had missed flights, been bumped from flights or delayed endlessly. If you don’t believe in the Catholic in the doctrine of Purgatory just try Atlanta on a day like that, which is about 362 days a year. I looked around, and though barely holding on myself I was able to find some gallows humor in the midst of this agony. I looked around the people around me and said “Ladies and gentlemen it is my distinct displeasure to welcome you to the land of unhappy travelers.” I actually got a few laughs. I then made a comment about the airline, which I had not flown in a couple of years, saying “I’m glad to see that some things stay the same, our airline still has same crappy service that they had a few years ago.” As we started boarding we boarded by zones as some airlines do. I personally prefer the first come or first signed in first seated way that Southwest does things, unfortunately the government contract was no longer with Southwest. As they announced “boarding zones one through five,” I commented, “Yep, you guys in zone 92 still have a while to wait. On each flight we had bad weather, turbulence and on one flight the air condition did not start kicking in until we were getting ready to land.

When I got to my destination I heard stories even worse than mine, all focused around the vortex of doom that swirled around Atlanta. The only place that I thought it could have gone worse was Washington Dulles, where my experiences have been nearly all bad. I survived but by the time I got to my hotel my ass was kicked. At the end of the day I had survived. A few beers and a bit of wine with good fellowship with friends made things better.

Saturday I get to fly again and make my third trip to California to see my folks. I am already making my list and getting mentally prepared for the trip. I get to fly though Chicago O’Hare and on the way back LAX and O’Hare. Thank the Deity Herself that Atlanta is not on the itinerary. I’ll do my best to at least find the humor as I pass through these islands of unhappy travelers, so pray for me a sinner.

Peace,

Padre Steve

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Filed under PTSD, travel

Tagged as airline travel, airports, anxiety attacks, atlanta international airport, blackhawk military gear, blondie, cable tv political discussions, chicago o'hare airport, delta airlines, george costanza, iraq, island of lost souls, lawyers, los angeles international airport, orlando international airport, politicians, PTSD, sam adams, southwest airlines, tv evangelists, u s capitol, wally world, washington dulles airport

October 18, 2009 · 00:09

MLB League Championship Series so Far, I will wear Short Pants until the World Series is Over and Learning that I am a “Wounded Healer”

So far things appear to be working out the way that I thought that they would in the MLC League Championship Series between the Phillies and Dodgers. I predicted that the teams would split at Chavez Ravine and go back to Philly knotted. The Phillies took game one and looked like they had game two in the bag with Pedro Martinez shutting the Dodgers out through seven giving up only two hits. Then the Phillies problematic bullpen took over in the eighth and it went down from there with the Dodgers coming back to win.

The ALCS has been played at the new Yankee Stadium amid the din of a Nor’easter. The Yankees took game one 4-1 as the Angels quite literally “froze” in the cold and damp weather. Game two played in even worse conditions has been influenced by the weather and was a superb pitcher’s duel. The game went into extra innings tied at two and though the Angels went ahead in the top of the 11^th as the rain started coming down harder only to have Alex Rodriguez come up big again for the Yankees in the bottom of the 11^th with a home run to tie the game. The game went to the bottom of the 13th when with one out the Yankees scored on a throwing error to win the game 4-3. It was an amazing game that I could not pull myself away from but will write more about later.

On another note, the weather here in Hampton Roads has been miserable as we also have had some of the residue of the Nor’easter with cold rain, fog and drizzle that has not let up. Amid this positively crappy weather I am maintaining my vow to wear short pants as long as I can with the exceptions being my uniform and going to church. This means that I am bundling up from the belt up while keeping my legs bare. I have never done this before which means either I’m nuts or I’m nuts, but nonetheless I am in this until the World Series is over at the minimum. Since with the exception of church, work and one social event where shorts were unacceptable I have not worn long pants since sometime in April. Tonight I had a Norfolk Tides jacket and sweatshirt on. We’ll see how this goes…

I have the duty this weekend and have been in and out of the hospital a number of times. One of the visits called to mind just how much I am like the people I serve and what it means to have to ask the same questions about God, faith and what it is to be human and a Christian. What got me tonight was a gentleman struggling with his faith, much as I have after returning from Iraq and battling PTSD and other nagging injuries. Having him ask the same questions that I have wrestled with and having him ask me directly what I thought. I have learned that I don’t have to “fake it” and try to give the man some textbook answer of how he needed to believe more, read his Bible more, go to church more, pray more or harder. Instead I was able to be honest that I have wrestled with the same question but somehow the words of the 23^rd Psalm speak to me. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me.” The Psalm is very reassuring for me as it is so honest. Reality is that we do walk through the valley of the shadow of death. In fact it is a difficult and pain filled world. That I will fear no evil means that evil is in fact very real but in the middle of this there is an understanding that God is still with us. It is an understanding that even when life is more like Good Friday than Easter, that God as far away as he may seem is still there. Maybe that is actually the miracle that most people need, the miracle to know that no matter how bad things suck, and I do use the word “suck” because that is how it is sometimes, especially when there is no “miracle” to be had otherwise. When I told the man that I had spent the past 18 months wrestling with those questions he opened up and we had a wonderful discussion and prayer. I am totally okay with this somehow God uses me in my weakness more than when I had all the answers.

Tonight I discovered that Bishop John Holloway, the medically retired former Ordinary of the Charismatic Episcopal Church Diocese of the Mid-South and one of the early leaders of the Church, his wife Elaine and two youngest children have to leave their home in Thomaston Georgia. They moved there as a missionary bishop giving up pension and medical from the Methodist Church to follow God’s call into the CEC. The home is being foreclosed on after the church, which has no pension or insurance plan in most dioceses for clergy and had provided a great deal of money to help pay off debts in the past has had to reduce the money they were providing by half and now according it the Holloways’ son Jared to nothing. Their home is being foreclosed on and they have to be out by December 1^st and if you want to read more go to his blog: http://jzholloway.wordpress.com/ If there is a question as to how the CEC currently handles finaces go to www.cechome.com where the budgets and expenses of every diocese are posted. There had been great problems in the past in the finacial management of the CEC largely done by people no longer associated with the church, including some former bishops. I think this is getting better under Archbishop Bates unfotunately the residue and distaste of that era is still out there.

I really don’t know what to think about that except that I did talk to a CEC Bishop about it and hear that there are other parts to the story. That aside, when the CEC was formed and one of the things that drew me to it was that the CEC was to would be more personal and relational than churches where the bishops did not really know their clergy. I think that is still the ideal in the Church but what Jared is reporting and what I hear from Elaine on Facebook gives me some cause for concern because it deals with a bishop who can no longer function and is completely disabled. Additionally Elaine is a cancer survivor who has exeeded her life expectancy with the disease. Obiviously things are not good for them and I have to trust that the situation will be resolved in a spirit of love and reconcilliation and that ultimately the Holloways will be taken care of by the church and God’s people. I cannot say anything else because I do not know anything else, but to say how this grieves me as Bishop Holloway was and I’m sure, even in his greatly de-habilitated and totally dependent state is a gracious and giving man. I always felt comfortable and safe around him. He ordained my friend Father Stu King back in 2001. Stu has left the CEC having been accepted into Seminary and in now working to become a Roman Catholic Priest. I’m sure that Bishop John would approve and give his blessing. Please keep the Holloways in your prayers. I have no idea if there is anything that can be done to help them, if there is Jared may know or one could contact the Mid South Diocese of the CEC.

I also found that a friend, the sister of our dear friend Dr Helen Linkey who taught at Marshall University who battled breast cancer for two years before succumbing to it in 2005 has found a lump in her breast. She is going in for a biopsy which is expected to find cancer. Maryellen occasionally comments on my website and her news was included in her comment to my post from last night at https://padresteve.wordpress.com/2009/10/16/war-remembrance-and-healing-a-chaplain-officer-and-historian-makes-his-way-home/

Please keep Maryellen in your prayers also. Anyway, it is time for me to try to get to sleep.

Peace,

Padre Steve+

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Filed under Baseball, healthcare, Pastoral Care, philosophy, PTSD

Tagged as 23rd psalm, alex rodriguez, anaheim angels, bishop john holloway, breast cancer, charismatic episcopal church, christian faith, clergy pension and insurance plans, dr helen linkey, easter, good friday, hampton roads, iraq, jared holloway, los angeles dodgers, marshal university, new yankee stadium, nor'easter, philadelphia phillies, PTSD, the wounded healer, thomaston georgia, yankees

October 1, 2009 · 22:21

Surviving Birthdays, My Closet of Anxieties, Rumors of Revolution and Coups and a Losing Streak Ended

anniverary 2009 I didn’t mess up the Abbess’s Birthday this Year…Cheers!

I am terrible at doing birthdays…mine included. Unfortunately this can be detrimental in my primary and many other relationships. In particular I have made my fair share of messes when it comes to birthdays, especially those of Judy. This began shortly after marriage and there have been a number of times that I regret, especially in choice of gifts. A large part of this was due to selective hearing on my part in what she wanted and to what she would refer to as the “damage to the brain caused by the male hormone.” The biggest of the goofs was when in seminary I got her the Bible that I wanted…not smart. I will not add to the fire of my self-immolation here by describing the others. I can say that like a pitcher has hung one too many curveballs in the center of the plate to good hitters and seeing it go over the fence, the memories flash through my mind beginning in the middle of September until the birthday is successfully negotiated. It is like making sure that I get the last out before I can rest.

This year went well. In fact it has been like an extended celebration for her milestone birthday. We brought her college roommate here for 6 days, we had lunch with her friend Diane and dinner at Gordon Biersch together and breakfast today with her friend Pat and her father today. Saturday evening we will make the close to the week by having a number of people over for dinner and cake. Even the gifts that I chose were things that she wanted or actually liked. The key to me successfully negotiating a birthday is to actually listen to what she wants.

We have had a couple of good days of leave and enjoyed our time together. The cool thing is though she has reached this milestone, she neither looks nor acts her age. Since I neither look nor act my age most of the time, though I am feeling it more, I think that we are a good match.

closet of anxieties Open for Business

At the same time the week has seen my “Closet of Anxieties” open up again. Part is obviously PTSD induced and part life induced. My mom as always has managed to add stress to my life. My dad continues to slowly circle getting worse in the nursing home. My German friend wants me to come to Germany in early December but I am nervous about making the flight. I was able to handle flying much better before Iraq.

left wingers

Finally I am concerned about things going on in the country as some people on the political right are advocating a military coup or violent revolution to overthrow President Obama. The scary thing as these are not people on the nutty fringe but people more in the mainstream of current conservative thought. What is even more alarming is that a lot of these folks are also prominent Evangelical Christians. One should never forget that many German “conservative Christian values voters” supported Hitler because they so hated the left. Hitler, like many right wing politicians in this country played to their fear and hatred of the left for their political support. I’m afraid of the same thing happening here.

A good article about this is found at blogger Polycarp’s site which is linked here: http://thechurchofjesuschrist.us/2009/09/phyllis-schlafly-endorses-bloody-revolution-columnist-plans-for-armed-coup/

bundesarchiv_bild_146-1970-051-65_kapp-putsch_berlin The Kapp Putsch

To me the political situation is looking more like the Weimar Republic every day and unlike the folks cited in the article I don’t see President Obama as a Nazi or Marxist. I think that people are playing with fire in suggesting bloody revolutions or military coups. If either happens there is no going back. They will have to coin a phrase “destroyed the Constitution in order to save it.” What is scary for me to see a national columnist like John Perry writing in the mainstream conservative news online publication Newsmax.com , suggest a military coup when the military is engaged in two wars. The military is perhaps the most trusted institution in the country and to look to it in time of war to overthrow the government in a partisan action is madness and even borders on treason. Even if this Wolfgang Kapp wannabee was able to get some misdirected military leader to pull a Lüttwitz[i] and attempt to seize power. Such an attempt would be futile and doomed to failure. Such an attempt could never gain the support of the entire military and would be dependent on many younger soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines who do not necessarily support the or are as radical as those pushing this on the political right. The military is not a reactionary or monolithic institution despite the wishes of some on the right. When one sees this kind of talk combined with street brawls at political town meetings and people carrying semi-automatic weapons at rallies where the President is speaking one sees a recipe for disaster that could destroy the country. If this continues and at best poison the political and social atmosphere for decades to come. I felt the same way when people on the left suggested a military coup against President Bush a couple of years ago. We have a political process that has worked relatively well for 200 plus years. Yes we are divided and having problems but nothing is insurmountable if we decide to work and play well with each other. We have survived as a nation so long precisely because we have had the wisdom to step back from the brink, with the exception of the Civil War and we all know how well that turned out for everyone concerned.

044 Jeff Fiorentino in Norfolk

However tonight a final source of anxiety was lifted when the Orioles broke their 13 game losing streak against the Tampa Bay Rays tonight. O’s lefty Chris Waters, who I have met a number of times in Norfolk got the win and Jeff Fiorentino came up big with a 2 out RBI single that provided what would be the winning run. It was good news for both players, Waters needed the win just to regain confidence and hopefully get another look by the O’s and other teams. Fiorentino is now being talked about as having a place on the 2010 Orioles. He certainly has earned it. With the win the Orioles go home to the confines of Camden Yards to finish the season against the Blue Jays.

Peace, Padre Steve+

Note: The last time I posted something about faith and politics I had a couple of really nasty and personal comments by those on the right all but calling me a non-Christian and Marxist traitor. This should be fun.

[i] Wolfgang Kapp was a German politician who worked with disaffected radical elements of the Army to attempt to overthrow the Weimar Republic in 1922. He gained the support of General von Lüttwitz who commanded the military district around Berlin and used a radicalized Freikorps, the Erhardt Brigade which was slated by the Army for demobilization to attempt to seize control of the government. The attempt floundered but hindered future cooperation between the Army and the Majority Socialists where the Nazis began their rise to power.

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Filed under alzheimer's disease, Baseball, History, Loose thoughts and musings, Military, Political Commentary, PTSD, things I don't get

Tagged as abby normal abbess, airline flights, baltimore Orioles, birthdays, camden yards, chris waters, closet of anxieties, evangelical christians, general von luttwitz, gordon biersch, jeff fiorentino, john perry, marxists, military coups, nazis, newsmax.com, norfolk tides, phyllis schlafly, president bush, president obama, PTSD, tampa bay rays, toronto blue jays, townhall meetings, us military, weimar republic, wolfgang kapp

September 21, 2009 · 23:07

Yet Another Blast from the Past and Padre Steve and House MD experience a bit of healing, but Have a Long Way to Go

It happened again. No not a PTSD meltdown or anything similar to that but another one of those circumstances where you have to scratch your head and say to yourself “I didn’t see that coming.” If you have read this site for any time at all you probably have noticed that I tend to bump into people from my past with some regularity, sometimes in unlikely places. When I run into people it just gets plain unusual. In fact if I was a Vegas odds maker and I gave odds at some of the people that I met in some of the places I met them I would be one broke odds maker. Like I’ve met a guy I sat next to in Navy Junior ROTC at Edison High School, Stockton California in West Berlin hadn’t seen each other in years and he recognized me. I met an Army Major in early August 2007 my transitional tent after arriving in Iraq who had been a 2^ndLieutenant and platoon leader in the last National Guard battalion that I served in 1995. When presenting the flag at the funeral of a retired Army Master Sergeant in 1989 I was greeted by his daughter who had been in a church singles group that Judy and I worked with. I’ve bumped across people from my Chaplain Officer Basic course in Iraq, Okinawa and even in the local area. Today was not any different as far as being to unusual for me.

I noted in a recent post I had given the invocation at the kick off for the Norfolk Naval Shipyard. This prayer sets the stage for a reunion that ranks up with all of the above, maybe even higher because of the sheer improbability of it all. I had an e-mail in my inbox from a man who works as the director of our hospital military blood bank. I recognized the name as I read the e-mail. I knew him 23-24 years ago in Germany. I was the very young company commander of the 557^th Medical Company (Ambulance) in Wiesbaden Germany. I was a total rookie at the command game and the unit was in a time of transition. I was a interim commander as the Group figured out what it was going to do on a permanent commander. A month or so after taking command I received the first of three new Second Lieutenant Platoon leaders, all fresh out of the Officer Basic Course. The first on deck was 2^nd Lieutenant Ralph Peters. Ralph was a brainy guy but eager to do well. When I turned over command he remained and when I went stateside he was still with 557^th. I occasionally think about the officers, NCOs and Soldiers of the company, especially my old Platoon, the Second Platoon. I have stayed in contact with my first XO, Pat Bradley who retired as a Lieutenant Colonel a few years back and still works for the Army as a civilian. Likewise I have kept in contact with a number of others from our sister units as well as some of the enlisted through Classmates.com and Facebook. However I was unprepared for today.

I got an e-mail from Ralph; he had seen me at the CFC kickoff. He let me know that he occasionally thought about me and prayed for me over the years and was pleased to see me as serving as a Navy Chaplain. I hope to see him sometime tomorrow. The strange thing is I know I have seen him in the hallway never seeing his name badge. I occasionally thought when I passed him that he had an uncanny resemblance to Ralph, which considering that he is Ralph this is quite fitting.

Today was also a time of some healing. I can’t go into any details except it was a good resolution and new start in a relationship that has been troubled lately. Surprisingly I seemed that God was involved too. To those who pray for me even without me asking thank you. This happened to coincide with Doctor House getting thrown in a State Psychiatric hospital. There have been a few times since I returned from Iraq where I thought that I might be better off locked up so it kind of struck a chord. The turning point was where House decided that he wanted to cooperate and get better something that I badly want. The sleeplessness, nightmares, anxiety and fear of certain situations is draining and now there is no local baseball to see that the minor league season is over I do not have that place of refuge. I don’t like the feeling of vulnerability that I have is unnerving. I just want to be better but I don’t think it’s going to happen anytime soon and sometimes that creates a sense of despair and weariness. At the same time as the Deity Herself seems to show me improbable and even miraculous things sometimes happen. So until then I will continue to throw myself into my work, try to catch a little baseball on TV do some writing and register for my comprehensive exams to finish the Masters Degree in Military History before Christmas. If nothing else I’ll stay active to cover what I can’t fix. Someone reminded me today that I am no longer in Iraq, but was quick enough to add that part of me still was there. I hate being in two places at once. Pray for me a sinner.

Peace,

Steve+

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Filed under iraq,afghanistan, PTSD

Tagged as 557th medical company, Army, Baseball, combined federal campaign, iraq, medical service corps, navy chaplain, PTSD, wiesbaden

September 19, 2009 · 20:42

PTSD²: Learning to Live Together When Both of You Have PTSD

Judy and Steve[1]_edited-1 The Abbess and Me

The Abbess and I have been married 26 years. We have dealt with PTSD for all of that time. Now we did not always know this was the case, not until she received the diagnosis back in 1989 and even then we did not really appreciate the effect that it was having on her and us. She has written a wonderful piece over at her place, the Abbey Normal Abbess’s Blog entitled “The Abbess talks about a household with PTSD” which I have linked here: http://abbeynormalabbess.wordpress.com/2009/09/18/the-abbess-talks-about-a-household-with-ptsd/

Any regular reader of this website knows that the host, Padre Steve deals with PTSD, a gift that he brought home with him from Iraq. There are a decent number of articles here that reference my struggles in coming to grips with this, how it affects me and how I am working with Elmer the Shrink to figure this surreal, confusing, illogical and sometimes frightening mess out.

Now before I came home with PTSD and actually figured out what the hell was going on with me and why I was falling apart I had little understanding of what the Abbess was going through. She suffers from childhood PTSD, abusive father, generally un-protective mother who probably had her own childhood abuse issues going on and a sister who physically abused her. She also was traumatized when she was between two and three years old when a Doctor removed a cyst from her face without anesthesia, that is one of her earliest memories and for many years caused her to fear going to the doctor. When we started dating the family was probably in one of their more peaceful states but there were plenty of times where I saw some scary shit going on. At the same time the Judy that I knew was the confident young college student, gifted artist and President of the Delta College German Club with a vibrant faith. There were hints back then that she was damaged by her family of origin but I just took it as something that she would simply grow out of. I had read about PTSD in Vietnam veterans but kind of brushed that aside and had no idea that someone who had not been to war could suffer from PTSD.

After she was diagnosed with childhood PTSD neither of us really knew what to do with it and most of her therapists did not deal with it and instead focused on depression and one even tried to diagnose her and turn her into a sufferer of Dissociative Identity Disorder the diagnosis formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. That was a fiasco brought on by “Christian” therapists who tried to find demons in everything. Of course if there were demons involved or Satanic ritual abuse that made it easy, you didn’t need to deal with the PTSD or any of the psychological components to what was going on. I think that these therapists, one of who is now famous for his diagnoses of former NFL star Hershel Walker did great harm to Judy and others in making a psychological diagnosis based on unsupportable “spiritual” causes. These spiritual “causes” were not based on fact, but rather the therapist’s suppositions which were based on conspiracy theories usually involving how police worked with satanic groups to conduct satanic rituals and then return the victims to their homes. If we know what we had known now we would have made a malpractice suit against the therapists and pastoral counselor involved in Judy’s treatment at the time.

It was not until I was on active duty in the Navy that a therapist began to work with Judy’s PTSD. Even still with her getting treatment I was still learning how to grapple with all the reactions that I had seen for years because to me they were still not logical. I am a methodical and logical person and if you know anything about PTSD you quickly find that much of what happens to a person has nothing to do with logic, but what the brain and the nervous system are doing and not how a person is deciding to act at a given point. So when Judy would startle or have some kind of meltdown I would try to counter with logic. This to my surprise never worked and I was always left frustrated. Over the years I became a bit more understanding but still would have trouble with the severe startle reflex as well as the occasional meltdowns which over the past couple of years have gotten to be less severe because of a conscious effort to help her work through her PTSD symptoms and become more aware of what was happening and triggers.

Doonesbury ptsd-pms PMS -PTSD Judy’s Best friend said to me “You’re a girl now”

Then I went to Iraq and came back with PTSD with all the trimmings. I think that she started figuring it before me so when I finally crashed on June 16^th 2008, I do remember the date well, she was not surprised when I came back and told her that the doctors thought that I had PTSD and were referring me for treatment. The good thing for me was that they did not refer to the Psychology or Psychiatry clinic but to the Deployment Health Office where I met and began to work with Elmer the Shrink. My first visit to his office I got a copy of the Doonesbury book dealing with coming home from war and PTSD. I laughed and cried all the way through the book. Until I went to Iraq I had never been a big fan of Doonesbury but I really appreciate it now. Military.com has a link to the Doonesbury at War series which I find quite nice to have.

http://www.military.com/warfighters

I appreciate the help and understanding of people that I work with. That helps; I don’t have the sense of abandonment and isolation that I experienced the first 8 months that I was back from Iraq. I think that my medications are getting managed a bit better as well. One thing that is hard to understand when you first start getting treatment is that you are kind of an experiment in progress as the doctor’s figure out what works and what doesn’t work. This I think can be very frustrating to people who want “fixed” right now.

doonesbury ptsd onset Some of my dreams get pretty physical

Before I went to Iraq she was the more observant one of us. Now I am the more observant. The one value of PTSD that I don’t really want to lose is my awareness of what it happening around me. It has I’m sure been more help than hindrance getting me out of dangerous situations quickly because in many cases I sense things even before I see or hear them. As I have pointed out in other posts this has come in handy especially in our nutty Hampton Roads traffic and the “kill or be killed” mindset that you have to have to survive on I-64 or I-264. While I like the ability to do this the startle response that I have now is really annoying. We have a phone in our house that the ringer sends me into orbit. If I am sitting in the living room when it goes off it scares the absolute shit out of me as it does Judy. It is interesting to see both of us almost jump through our asses when that damned thing goes off. Inevitably it is the damned Rite Aide Pharmacy automated line or a equally damned telemarketer that does this. Other loud noises get me. I was driving to work and there was a vintage Chevy Camaro just ahead of me and in the adjacent lane to my right. It was still in that morning twilight when the Camaro started backfiring out of its twin exhaust pipes. The backfire sounded like a burst of semi automatic weapons fire close up and the flashes from the pipes looked like muzzle flashes. Other unexpected loud noises get me as does the sound of helicopters, especially at night. I don’t do crowds well unless they are at a baseball game. I went to do the invocation yesterday at the Norfolk Naval Shipyard to kick off the annual Combined Federal Campaign. I was expecting a small rather sedate event. It was nothing of the sort. There were at least a couple of hundred people in a relatively small auditorium, a band, reports and photographers, a color guard and drill team from a local ROTC unit even balloons and banners. The noise and light, many moving pieces gave the event a pep rally feel which drove up my anxiety level pretty bad. I was able to keep from having a panic attack or a meltdown, but it took work not to fall apart especially with the week that I had had and the fact that in the previous 31 hours I had only 3.5 hours of sleep. I don’t like my outbursts of anger which can border on rage depending on the sense of danger that I feel although some expressions that I have come up with in these events are pretty funny as I question the parentage and oedipal tendencies of some people. Anxiety, tremors, muscle tension, insomnia and nightmares are no fun either.

I guess for me that the war is not over and I know that if I was to go back I would do just fine. I almost think that another deployment to either Iraq of Afghanistan would help me in some ways. I guess I might get another shot at it as things continue to develop over there. Personally I think I need it to close the loop and one day when peace comes to Iraq to go back there to visit some of the Iraqis that I got to know while there.

Dundas at Hit Somehow I was More Relaxed in Iraq than I am Here

So now I am much more understanding of what Judy has lived with since childhood. She has been a help to me in understanding my struggle as well and what I have experienced has helped me have a lot more compassion and understanding for her. The only one without PTSD is our little dog Molly so it does make for interesting living around our little household.

Peace,

Padre Steve+

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September 18, 2009 · 22:10

The Art and Science of Staying Awake and Going to Sleep When You Have PTSD

“The blood level in my caffeine is getting too high” Woody Paige on ESPN’s Around the Horn

Today: 3 24 Ounce Cups of Southern Pecan Coffee with French Vanilla Creamer and Splenda

Which came first the chicken or the Egg McMuffin? That is the type of life I have when it comes to a little thing that you never notice until you can’t do it…something called sleep. Today is one of those days where the inner Chinese kids, Yin and Yang are trying to get themselves into some kind of equilibrium, or maybe even equilibriumnumnum after a pretty rough week and a night on call at the medical center. As usual my insomnia and anxiety have joined their ever loving hands together to ensure that I have had less than optimal sleep. Yesterday’s on call duty and that of last night was fairly relaxed. I had my new residents with me getting oriented to pulling duty and I have to say they are a fun bunch. We have two Americans and two Canadians all with great senses of humor and all who have had some kind of combat tour. I actually like being around them which I cannot say of everyone that I have worked with in 28 plus years in the military. They are a joy. Likewise I love being around the hospital staff doing my rounds at night and to top things off there were no tragedies.

This being said I still could not get to sleep last night which kind of tops off a week of crappy or too little sleep. Love them or leave them crappy or insufficient sleep over a long period of time beat the hell out of you. I know, it has me and to make an astute observation it makes me tired.

My battles with insomnia began about a third of the way into my Iraq tour. When we came back from a mission I would go to my “Can” and just sit awake either reading, playing chess on my computer or going out and watching the Dustoff helicopters coming in and out of the Surgical Shock Trauma Platoon helipad or looking off to the perimeter to see illumination rounds lighting up the night sky and hearing occasional gunfire and explosions. It was incredibly hard to get to sleep no matter how tired I was. That continued the whole tour and got worse. Part was the late night flights that we so often took, part the danger that we faced and part the conditions that we slept in. At one FOB in Ramadi we stayed in an old trailer that we could hear the rats chewing on the ceiling. When we had to stay in Al Asad to catch a morning flight after having flown in our tents were near the flight line and F-18s flying in and out all night do not make for a quiet and restful night’s rest. In some of the more remote FOBs the isolation and vulnerability made it hard to rest. I think that it was about two-thirds of the way through that the dreams and nightmares started.

Doonesbury-082108 Too True I can Relate

Having talked to others with PTSD or other combat related injuries of the brain and nervous system I find that I am not alone and most of us are mid-grade to senior career officers. It’s kind of weird because when you are young in the military you are taught just to “suck it up” and as you go through your career you tell others the same thing until it happens to you. Thus for us old guys I think PTSD is actually harder than for young people because it destroys our world view and our tough personas which most up us have cultivated over a long period of time. My friends and I share the same or similar experience and we all are trying some way of managing it. All of us have some drugs, the legal kind of course to help us with anxiety, panic, depression and insomnia. However there are times when the drugs don’t work as well as they should, or they need to be adjusted or changed. In those times you still have to find ways of getting to sleep and for the times where you can’t sleep ways of keeping sharp so you can stay in the game and not screw anything up.

bean church 1 Staying Awake

Some guys I know have added to the mix other kinds of over the counter drugs and supplements. I don’t do that, not that there’s anything wrong with it, but I guess I never grew up. I like my medicine whenever possible to taste good. Thus my self-medication is limited to caffeine and really good beer. My choice in caffeine is coffee which I have been drinking since I was 12 and I believe that by my junior year of high school Navy Junior ROTC my index finger was beginning to mould itself into the shape of a coffee cup handle. With caffeine there is little moderation because since I don’t sleep I need to stay awake. My alcohol consumption is moderate and I don’t drink hard liquor. I always try to maintain the Yin and Yang of the blood to medicine to caffeine and alcohol at some kind of balance so I can get to sleep and then not be exhausted the next day. I make sure that I don’t mix alcohol with my meds since I don’t want to do the Karen Anne Quinlan thing and end up in a coma, and end up in a broccolitative or asperagative state (I don’t do just any vegetables thank you). However I know guys who have a lot heavier load of meds than I do who have no problem ingesting them and alcohol close together and most of these guys don’t just drink limited amounts of beer. I’m quite happy not to be there and mixing meds and alcohol. So for me the equation looks like this. Please note I am a historian and not a mathematician and that since this is a new field of study for me that it does not yet factor in sleep quality:

Drugs- caffeine² ± beer÷ “defensive factor” (anxiety+ hyper-vigilance) + normal work and life stress ÷ spirituality factor² = sleep

Now also since I am a Priest and Chaplain there is the spirituality factor which is hard to quantify but can be stated very simply “Please God let me sleep + have I been to a baseball game.” This is hard to quantify but I have given it a numeric value for the sake of argument. Now I’m not a mathematician by any means but this seems to work somehow.

Yep…Them Iraqi Snorklewackers Show up Often

Now back to me and the guys I know who struggle with this. Pretty much to a man we all still manage to do our jobs. In fact we all love what we are called to do which probably helps us as far as the management of our situation. Many of the folks I know are like me and if we had the chance would go back to the fight. You put us together with men and women who have similar experiences in combat and we are in our element, there is a shared brotherhood because of the real dangers that we faced. However that is not necessarily true of others that we serve alongside who have not been, as is oft said “in the shit.” Within that category there are those who are people that help us and care for us, they are appreciated even if they have not been in our shoes. The often exude a kindness and love that helps us make it when we have bad days. But there are also those that don’t always seem to have our interests at heart or who would appear by their words and sometimes their actions to use our injury against us.

garfield show me the coffee Amen!

So this whole deal gets weird when you can’t sleep due to anxiety or insomnia and have to maintain your ability to do your job. Now this is where the art and science of self medication come together. You have to be able to figure out how things balance out. Medications are set by prescription unless you throw in a wild card of over the counter meds and supplements. Thus for me they are a relatively stable factor. Then you factor in the caffeine factor. This may vary but in my case I drink 24-72 ounces a day of coffee which is usually spread over a 4-8 hour period, and maybe 12-24 ounces of Diet Coke, Coke Zero or Diet Dr Pepper later in the day. My caffeine level is variable based on how tired I am. If I am well rested the amount consumed goes down. Today I was maxing out the caffeine factor because my ass was whipped and it was all I could do to get through the day. Today I was so wiped that I added in the Skittles factor to get the quickie sugar rush. I hate skittles, when we were poor in seminary it was the only candy we got because the church food bank gave them out. Skittles, Boston Baked Beans, Swee Tarts and Smarties are all great instant energy, the problem with them is that they are like lighting the afterburner; they are only good for short spurts. Beer varies but if I am home I might have two beers at dinner. I have stopped any late night drinks. Then there is the “defensive factor” which for me includes my anxiety and hyper-arousal levels. This is combined with normal life and stress and divided by the spirituality factor to get a night’s sleep. That is the science. The art is how to make the adjustments to the factors that are variable fit the current life situation and find those illusive Chinese kids, Yin and Yang.

pub1

So the week is coming to a close, I have now been up 36 of the last 40 hours and have worked every day since last Monday, though Saturday and Sunday were just a few hours each despite having the duty pagers. I am tired I had a decent meal complete with vegetables, several portions of fruit and other healthy things. As soon as the Orioles game is over I plan on heading to bed and hoping my meds and my general sense of exhaustion will overcome any anxiety or insomnia that might join hands to interfere with me. I think I have managed to bring old Yin and Yang into balance for the evening and if I didn’t I I do hope that the Deity Herself will assist this effort tonight.

Peace, Padre Steve+

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Tagged as al asad, beer, bloom county, closet of anxieties, coffee consumption, coke zero, coma, cpe residents, diet coke, diet dr pepper, doonesbury, dustoff, insomina, iraq, karen anne quinlan, PTSD, ramadi, self medicating, skittles, sleep medications, smarties, swee tarts, the deity herself, yin and yang

September 16, 2009 · 21:50

Survival on the Home Front: Dealing with Other People’s Reactions to My PTSD

Being in Iraq was in Many Ways Less Frightening than Being in the USA

I find it interesting and sometimes painful to see how institutions and some people within the institution will label those of us who have gone to war and came back as gooned up with PTSD. The biggest tension and issue, and I admit it as my own is that we get stereotyped and sometimes viewed as “broken.” I admit that I have issues, in fact a lot of frickin’ issues and I have a pretty good awareness of them. I see Elmer the Shrink to help me through the rough spots but there are times when I bump across those that appear to use my condition as a weapon against me. Whether it is intentional or not, it is not fun to deal with. I’ve had it happen a few times since I have started getting help last year and every one of the people involved were people who have not been to combat to use a pejorative term from Vietnam they are REMFs .

I know several others who have experienced this mentality. We all feel really vulnerable because all of us have opened up to people, or to use the Star Trek analogy to “drop our deflector shields.” Pulling down shields makes you vulnerable, if you do it because you think you are in a safe area. When you take “friendly fire” is really sucks. It is actually easier in theater. If I was sent to Iraq or Afghanistan today I would be back in my element and probably suffer little from PTSD symptoms. Sometimes I wonder if the Navy would be better off to ship me over again. Admittedly with the health of my parents and a position at my medical center that is important for me to remain in for the time being, there is something that says at some point I need to go back, maybe not now but later. See out there the PTSD defensive reactions fit. There are bad guys and good guys, friend and foe and the body and brains’ reaction to real or perceived danger are natural. I am wary of people until I figure out if they are friend or foe. When I make a mistake in my IFF it usually bodes ill for me.

When you come back out of that environment you find that even though you are “home” that you have changed and nothing is the same as it was before. Your body and brain have divided the world into two camps, friend and foe or safe or unsafe or maybe even secure versus dangerous. In my life I notice this with people as well as situations such as being on the road in our nutty Hampton Roads traffic which by the way even if you don’t have PTSD is quite the adventure I have become a very offensively minded defensive driver with faster reflexes and reaction time than I had before I went to Iraq. I have to say that I am now a very aware person to perceived threats and actually that is not a bad thing of itself. In Iraq I was probably operating at a 9 or 10 of ten on my perceptions of and reactions to real and perceived danger. Since I have returned and gotten some therapy I probably operate at a 3.5 to 4 most of the time and depending on the situation move up higher sometimes being very aware of possible danger and hyper-vigilant . Before I went to Iraq I probably operated at about a 1-2 on the scale of 10, pretty oblivious to danger and not too worried about it either. Truthfully I am happy at an increased level of the 3.5-4 and maybe on occasion 5. I don’t like getting up above 7-8 because it really makes a mess of my nerves and general requires that I take my docile pills. Recently I’ve had a few of those days. Trust me it is no fun to have a nervous tremor. When that happens I feel like Gene Wilder’s character in Blazing Saddle’s Jim the Waco Kid response when Sherriff Bart (Cleavon Little) questions him:

Jim: Look at my hand.
[raises hand and holds it level]
Bart: Steady as a rock.
Jim: [raises his other hand, which is violently trembling] Yeah, but I shoot with this one.

Although I can occasionally find some morbid humor in what is going on with me I can’t say that it is any fun.

There is a perception by some, which I think is often systemic in parts of the military that people with PTSD are “broken.” Some in the system as well as others who have been granted the privilege of knowing your vulnerability consciously or unconsciously sometimes use it against you, I personally think it is intentional when this happens but I try to give the benefit of the doubt to the offender. Like I said before this has happened to my on a number of occasions and in every instance I have felt attacked, devalued and re-traumatized and I don’t like that feeling and it takes me a while to get back through all the crap. When it happens to me I get angry, defensive and now as opposed to my pre-Iraq life will shoot back. I’ve stopped rolling over and letting people get away with this behavior and when I see it happen to others I get equally pissed. Unfortunately I have a number of friends who have had similar experiences and as we share our stories we realize that some people or even the system in general will write you off as damaged goods. What is the bad thing is that the worst comes from people who have not been in harm’s way. Likewise, if they went to a combat zone never left one of the big FOBs and never had to deal with the danger of being outside the wire. Nor have they experienced what many medical personnel who remained on the big FOBs experienced in dealing with never ending trauma of dealing with the death, wounding and suffering of young Marines, Sailors, Soldiers and Airmen. Another group are the men and women who perform the tasks of getting the fallen back home. One of my Chaplain friends had this job in Kuwait and had to meet every aircraft with the bodies of the dead leaving theater performing memorials and conducting honors all the time caring for those who cared for the bodies of these Americans and came back in pretty bad shape.

What saddens me is that this still attitude of men and women dealing with PTSD being “broken” or as one called me a “shipwreck” happens even though we have been making the conscious effort since Vietnam to treat people traumatized by war. The end result is that those who are traumatized are again and again re-traumatized by the system as well as individuals in it. I have seen enough of this to make me throw up. Thankfully the Navy as a whole does better in this than the Army, Marines or Air Force but there is a lot to be done. When I have a REMF screw with me or my friends it does get to me and I can say that I get angry and the person moves out of my “circle of trust.”

Likewise I get discouraged and when I see my countrymen from both of the major political parties, elected officials and regular party members tearing themselves and the country apart because of the hatred that they have for each other and each other’s positions on the issues that face our nation. I came home at the beginning of the 2008 primary season and within a short time became quite disheartened by what I saw on both sides of the line. There is no civility in the land and no peace at home for those of us coming home from war. We come back and see our brothers and sisters, fellow Americans all saying and doing things doing things that can only in the long run further divide and destroy the nation. I can understand the anger that the returning German soldiers and sailors of the First World War came home to in 1918-1919. It seems that the only thing that we lack to be like Weimar Germany is for right and left wing militias begin fighting in the streets, killing each other and trying to take over power by force. As it is these are fighting at political rallies and raising the invective to frightening levels. In the case of one protest men brought semi-automatic assault weapons to protest outside of a venue the President was speaking at. They said it was a Second Amendment rights protest but all that is needed is for one deranged individual to act on a homicidal urge to blow the whole damned place up. I have seen the results of such folly in both the Middle East and the Balkans and I just don’t get it, it is frightening to me and the extremists on both sides of the political spectrum seem like they are doing their damnedest to destroy the country that I love so much and went to war to serve. Regardless of what extreme they are on I just say a pox on them all.

I have been asked a number of times why I would open myself up and show my vulnerability on this website. It is certainly not for fun when I deal with this subject because I am really wound up in it. When I write I often have to live the experience again. While many times this is emotionally draining it is something is something that I know that I have to do. I know so many vets from the current wars and Vietnam who struggle with some of the very things that I do and often a lot more but do not have the ability to really share their stories. The Marines who fought at Hue City are a group that I still have contact with as are people from my last base chapel job, the Vietnam Veterans of America men who man the beer stand at the Church of Baseball Harbor Park Parish, Wayne the Army Chaplain and decorated Vietnam infantry scout who dealt with his own PTSD and helped me in my discernment process to become a Chaplain. Likewise I have this connection with my brothers and sisters who have served in Iraq and or Afghanistan. In a sense what I want to do in my articles about PTSD as well as those about my tour in Iraq is to help people who have not been or not experienced this to get some understanding of what happened to me and to many others. I don’t want guys to fall through the crack like in Vietnam and I think that educating the public is the best way of raising the issue and helping people care for us. So I guess this is my “cause” and maybe even a crusade. I hope and pray that those who love and care for our combat veterans who read this will take the time to learn, take the time to care and take the time to be with us as we walk through the often dark places that we walk.

Today was not a good day for me it was very painful but at least I was able in this post to use it to help explain what we who deal with our return from war go through. I guess that the Deity Herself knew what she was doing today. Pray for all of us who live in the surreal world of PTSD as we pray for you and our nation. Pray for me a sinner.

Peace,

Steve+

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Tagged as afghanistan, blazing saddles, cleavon little sherriff bart, deflector shields, gene wilder the waco kid, hue city, iraq, marines, mr spock, PTSD, ptsd hyper-arousal, ptsd stigma, reactions to ptsd, remf, remf's, star trek, vietnam, weimar germany, world war i

August 31, 2009 · 22:54

Star Trek the Next Generation: Captain Jean-Luc Picard Deals with PTSD

Counselor Deanna Troi: Interesting.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Counselor…
Counselor Deanna Troi: I just find it interesting. Captain Jean-Luc Picard, the man who couldn’t be pried out of his seat for a vacation for three years!
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: It’s Earth. It’s home. Do I need another reason?
Counselor Deanna Troi: I don’t know, what do you think?
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Your help has been invaluable during my recovery, but…look, I’m, uh…I’m better! The injuries are healing.
Counselor Deanna Troi: Those you can see in the mirror.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: The nightmares have ended. All I need now is a little time to myself.
Counselor Deanna Troi: I agree. In fact, I’m delighted you’re going. It’s just that…the choice of where you’re going could stand some scrutiny.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: If you wish to believe my going home is a direct result of being held captive by the Borg, be my guest.
Counselor Deanna Troi: Is that what you believe?
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: I hate it when you do that.
Counselor Deanna Troi: Captain, you do need time. You cannot achieve complete recovery so quickly. And it’s perfectly normal after what you’ve been through, to spend a great deal of time trying to find yourself again.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: And what better place to find oneself than on the streets of one’s home village.
Counselor Deanna Troi: Interesting.

I have always found the Star Trek TNG episode Family quite compelling. The episode (Season 4 Episode 2) deals with Captain Jean Luc Picard’s return home following his capture and assimilation by the race known as the Borg during The Best of Both World’s Part 1 and II (Season 3 Episode 26 and Season 4 episode 1.)

The story is interesting because it deals with some of the issues that people traumatized in combat deal with as they try to find themselves again. In the story Captain Picard, in a very typical manner of someone traumatized by combat believes that his injuries are healing. His counselor, Deanna Troi who serves as the Ship’s “Counselor” challenges him on his belief that he has recovered and his choice of where he wants to go to find himself again.

I saw the episode when I was in Seminary not long after completing the Chaplain Officer Basic Course and then saw it again when I was going through my Clinical Pastoral Education Residency. It was during that process, one in which I was trying to find and define what “home” was, that it really caught me. I was Captain Picard, the brother who left home to explore and travel while serving in the military. My brother Jeff was Picard’s brother Robert. He is the one who stayed home and minded family business. The parallels then got me and even more so now. My Residency Supervisor used this to good effect during that time in dealing with the issues of home, but the post combat and PTSD part was yet to come.

Back in the days of my residency I struggled with another of issues related to being a military brat and having begun a career in the Army. In a sense I was a nomad. I had lived a lot of places but none were really home, even where I had spent all of junior and senior high school. Like Picard my eyes were set on far horizons of exploration and adventure of military life. My brother Jeff on the other hand like Picard’s brother was content at staying at home, being near our parents, getting established in the school district and taking care of his family. We both chose our own paths and both were right for us. I still long for adventure and exploration but have begun to settle down.

When it came to the placement of the PTSD in this picture it was after Iraq that I had a crisis in a number of areas in my life and every time I thought that I was doing better and maybe even “getting well” that there was always something that could trigger the memories, bring back the dreams and keep me from sleep. I can say that a year and a half after my return from Iraq I am doing better in a lot of ways but still having struggles with anxiety insomnia and hyper-vigilance. I did find out that there is one thing that does not evoke a startle reflex is a foul ball that comes back against the screen in from of me in Section 102 at the Church of Baseball Harbor Park Parish. Last night while taking pictures right up against the screen I had several balls that hit within a couple of feet of me, one of which hit my camera and knocked it out of my hand. Anywhere else loud noise, unexpected crashes, things flying past me sends me into a hyper-alert status.

Picard Meets His Family after Many Years and Wounds Away

When Picard goes home it is not the confident Starship Captain who returns, but a man unsure of himself and where he fits in life. His encounter with the Borg has changed him and he contrary to assurances to Counselor Troi is still wounded. When I returned from Iraq I wondered where I fit, I felt like I had abandoned my advisers in Al Anbar when I returned because my relief had to be sent elsewhere do to circumstances beyond my control. I did not feel a part of my own unit as nothing was the same when I came back. I felt weak, useless and at the end of my rope after having completed incredible tour in combat of my then 26 years in the military. Physically I was falling apart; I had several nagging injuries from Iraq that caused chronic pain. I was flashing back with every moment, fires burning in the Great Dismal Swamp had turned our air the color of an Iraq sand storm while the smell was like that of the ever present burn pits, both military and Iraqi. Walking out the door one morning with my neighborhood shrouded in smoke I began to melt down. That day we had a seminar done by a nationally known speaker dealing with trauma and combat with the associated feelings and emotions. At the end of the day I was a wreck. My Unit Doctor, Chris Rogan looked at me and said “Chaplain you don’t look good, are you okay?” I said “no I’m not, I’m losing it and I’m scared.” That was the place where I finally began to get help. It has been about 14 months since I started and it is still a process. We made a trip home that summer and I did not do well. It was painful and I had great difficulty both in the travel as well as the visit. When I hear fellow vets talking about the surreal and often painful times that they experience I can understand. The fact is that you can be with a hundred friends and family members and be totally alone when you return home because it is something that you cannot really share and that they usually don’t understand. Once again I have been fortunate. My little brother actually listens to me and lets me vent when I need to. Of course dealing with our family’s stuff this is a two way street.

Visiting Home and not Doing Well

In the story Picard is offered a chance to leave Starfleet and go to work on a project under the ocean on Earth. He is sorely tempted to take it but before he can he has an encounter with his brother who challenges his decision. They exchange words and Captain Picard feeling picked on starts a fight. During the fight he breaks down about his experiences sobbing in his brother’s arms. “His brother then said: So – my brother is a human being after all. This is going to be with you a long time, Jean-Luc. A long time. You’ll have to learn to live with it. You have a simple choice now. Live with it below the sea with Louis, or above the clouds with the Enterprise.”

In a sense that is something that all of us who serve after having been traumatized by the experience of wart have to deal with, the physical as well as the psychological and spiritual wounds. For me it was the realization that I was human after all and the slow realization that this will be with me a long time. The choice is how I choose to live my life and where I do so.

In the series and subsequent Star Trek: The Next Generation films Picard is forced to deal with his psychological wounds from the encounter with the Borg culminating in the second of those films Star Trek: First Contact. In it Starfleet Command leave Picard and the Enterprise out of the battle leading to this exchange between Picard and his First Officer which deals with the stigma associated with such an injury.

Cmdr. William Riker: Captain, why we are we out here chasing comets?
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Let’s just say Starfleet has every confidence in the Enterprise and her crew – they’re just not sure about her Captain. They believe that a man who was once captured and assimilated by the Borg should not be put in a situation where he would face them again. To do so would introduce “an unstable element to a critical situation.”
Cmdr. William Riker: That’s ridiculous. Your experience with the Borg makes you the perfect man to lead this fight.
Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Admiral Hayes disagrees.

The stigma associated with psychological injuries is far greater than that of physical injuries. The unseen injuries are not as well understood and those who suffer them often are broken down by the system as they try to get help and many simply go underground and self medicate. Last year two Army Generals opened up about their struggles with PTSD. I was fortunate to have people come alongside of me when I went down hard. People who did not give up on me and kept faith by caring about me when I was and still get down.

See the article at: http://edition.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/03/06/generals.ptsd/

Despite this and the efforts of many in the Military to help those with PTSD and other “unseen” injuries, to include medical conditions brought on by exposure to toxins in the combat zone, there is still the stigma. As the young officer suffering from a rare and eventually fatal pulmonary condition acquired in Iraq as well as yet untreated PTSD “I squarely wish I had lost my legs then than the lung function that I have lost!”

Captain Picard’s story of course is fictional, but it demonstrates to some degree what those who experience the psychological and spiritual wounds of war face when they “come home.” This stuff doesn’t go away. Here are some of the comments that I have had from readers who deal with their own or a family members PTSD.

Australian Vietnam Veteran who wrote me said: “As an Australian Vietnam Veteran with PTSD, I find these articles fascinating. I long wondered why the world had to be such a hostile mongrel place. Then 30 years later I was diagnosed with PTSD and I can now relate to why I have the condition but the world has not changed and medication is of limited use. There are many of us who are still very isolated and have to limit our social contacts. I recently started a Vietnam Veterans group, for members of our small unit, on the web and I found men who were relieved to be part of something and someone they could relate to as they had all but withdrawn from society. Sadly a few of them refuse to take any medication for their medical conditions as they see that as prolonging their miserable existence.”

A family member of a WWII veteran said: “thank you. It’s really needed for women to read articles/memoirs like that. It’s easy to say someone has PTSD, but another to live with and love who has it. I come from a family with rich military history and this is an everyday issue. Never goes away, even after 40 – 60 years.”

A USMC Vietnam Vet that I know wrote: “It’s a bitch at times, and the sleep, or lack of will eventually come, although it will never be a fully restful sleep. The Hyper vigilance seems never to go away. Yes it could be good, but eventually it can be bad…. well do I know both.”

An Army Chaplain from Iraq noted: “I too am a chaplain who felt that he and his assistant were the best equipped to handle the horrors of war – just to find out after being home for about a year just how much I had changed. I was sitting with my daughter in my lap one weekend afternoon when she asked, “Daddy, why don’t you play and laugh with us like you use to before you went to Iraq?” It was the key event that brought everything to a point where I could get help. In the months since there have been good days and definitely bad days – however, my faith remains strong….”

I run into people like this every day in the course at work who deal with this and sometimes it spills over into my stuff. However I am glad to know that I am not alone. To those who have helped me since I have be back, Chris, Two Feathers, Limey, Greg, Jesse, Jeff, Elmer, my longsuffering wife the Abbess of the Abbey Normal Judy and my brother Jeff, Colonel P and Janet, the folks I work with, the people at Harbor Park, especially Ray, Charlie and the Vietnam Veterans of America who man the beer stand on the concourse behind home plate and all the others who have come alongside I am grateful. It is my sincere wish and prayer that all veterans will have such fine people there for them when they hit the wall.

Peace, Steve+

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Tagged as abby normal abbess, afghanistan, army chaplain corps, captain jean luc picard, commander riker, counselor deanna troi, cpe residency, harbor park, iraq, lcdr data, moral injury, navy chaplain corps, PTSD, ptsd stigma, pyschological wounds, robert picard, season 3 episode 26 the best of both worlds part 1, season 4 episode 2 family, season 4 espisode 1 the best of both worlds part 2, section 102, spiritual wounds, star trek, star trek the next generation, vietnam, vietnam veterans of america, vietnam war

August 26, 2009 · 13:16

Padre Steve’s Highs and Lows of 28 Years Service

Ooops, this should have posted the 25th…all references in the post though it posted today are for the 25th. The meltdown was the 24th, not my duty night.

Note: I think that I have pretty much recovered from last night’s mini-meltdown, though tired have has a good day working some stuff that is pretty cool that could be a positive thing for Navy and VA Chaplains. I think success does help mitigate some of the effects of a meltdown. If today had been crappy and I hadn’t had a good talk with Elmer the Shrink it might have continued. Now with some sleep I could be cooking with gas even though my house is all electric.

On to the Post:

Enlisted in National Guard 1982

“So we’re all dogfaces, we’re all very, very different, but there is one thing that we all have in common: we were all stupid enough to enlist in the Army. We’re mutants. There’s something wrong with us, something very, very wrong with us. Something seriously wrong with us – we’re soldiers. But we’re American soldiers! We’ve been kicking ass for 200 years!” Bill Murray as John Winger in “Stripes” 1981

Well sports fans I am at the hospital tonight celebrating 28 years of service in the military. It really doesn’t seem like any more than 27 ½ but who’s counting right? And when I look back at the Army I joined I am reminded of Stripes.

I think that I have pretty much recovered from last night’s mini-meltdown, though tired have has a good day working some stuff that is pretty cool that could be a positive thing for Navy and VA Chaplains. I think success does help mitigate some of the effects of a meltdown. If today had been crappy and I hadn’t had a good talk with Elmer the Shrink it might have continued. Now with some sleep I could be cooking with gas even though my house is all electric.

So 28 years ago today I went down and signed my name on the dotted line. It was August 25^th 1981 two months after the release of the movie Stripes and two months before I saw it with Judy at the $1 movie theater. On that end of summer day I went down and signed my contract with the Army ROTC program at UCLA with the Chief Lord of Discipline himself, the Captain Bruce Lawson swearing me in. He had just finished PT and though still in his PT clothes administered the Oath of Enlistment. It was not much on ceremony but it was a start. In fact most of my promotions in either the Army of the Navy have not come with much fanfare and I’m actually pretty okay with that so long as I get paid and get to do what I love doing which is being a Priest and getting to serve now as a Navy Chaplain. So I followed with a trip down to the National Guard Armory on Victory Blvd in Van Nuys to enlist in the National Guard. Since I was not a scholarship student I was allowed to simultaneously enter the Guard. So the 25^th was kind of like a double header for me, I did the oath for the Guard later in the afternoon. It’s like Tommy Lasorda once said: “I love doubleheaders. That way I get to keep my uniform on longer.”

So I went in to Headquarters and Headquarters Battery and met the Company Commander, Captain J.J. Kramer, now a retired Colonel I believe and Major Charles Armagost, the Full Time Unit Administrator and Adjutant. Wearing his green fatigues the good Major administered the Oath for the California National Guard, which differed from the Federal Oath in that it also included words about obeying the Governor of the State and the Laws of California etc…Following that I was walked down to the supply room where a rather rotund Sergeant began issuing me uniforms and field gear. I got my first gift of US Military designer clothing and was told to report the Thursday after Labor Day for a “Battery Dark Night.” So began my rather auspicious career.

I remember being in uniform in those early days without a single ribbon or medal to my name. I’d look around and see all the guys who had served in Vietnam and some in Korea as well with all kinds of ribbons, medals, unit citations and qualification badges. I would look at them and once I remarked to Judy that I wish that I would have a lot someday. She accused me of whining, something that I feel is a mischaracterization of my attitude about not having anything and something that now with a full chest of ribbons, medals and qualification pins that she is not hesitant to remind me of and tell others about.

2LT Dundas 1983 Look Mom One Ribbon

So what has transpired in 28 years? Here are some of the highlights and a few lowlights of the of this adventure.

In 1981 it all began and things happened fast, within two weeks of enlisting I was driving an M-151A1 Jeep to Ft Irwin CA as part of battalion advance party and then spending the weekend learning to call in artillery fire. After going through hell and being destroyed and rebuilt by SFC Harry Ball, Drill Sergeant US Army like Richard Gere was in An Officer and a Gentleman I somehow got commissioned in part due to the forbearance of Major Lawson, the former Captain Lawson who has sworn me in. Judy asks if I had my own “Puget Sound Deb” when she sees the movie with me that winter. However just prior to getting commissioned during my last annual training period at Camp Roberts I led team of Ersatz East German Kommando’s on raids against battalion rear area as the opposing forces. I was almost run over in may M-151A1 by an M-548 Ammo Carrier during a strafing run coming down hills firing blanks from machine guns like the Rat Patrol and dropping Smoke and CS grenades in the vehicle’s path. Later we captured the battery Operations Center during a firing mission. None of this made them happy but the Forward Observers and I had a blast.

After I got commissioned I attended the Medical Department Officer Basic Course at Ft Sam Houston TX and suffered for Jesus for 9 weeks in the Riverwalk Marriott hotel in downtown San Antonio. After this I spent 11 glorious weeks at Ft Knox Kentucky which by the way is in a “dry county” or at least it was back then going through a 6 week course after being bumped by Saudi Arabian exchange officers.

557th comany command 1985 Company Commander

From January 1984 through late December 1986 we were stationed with the 557^th Medical Company Neubrucke and later Wiesbaden. Was a platoon leader and became company XO when our XO checked into a psych ward before Winter REFORGER. While in the field was promoted but o one realized that fact until we came out of the field in mid- February. In a late night hastily arranged ceremony which I had to drag Judy in from bed to see I was promoted and got my first real medal. In September I became a “relief pitcher” Company Commander when my new CO got fired. I was told “Lieutenant; clean up that Company.” After 7 months, and having to adjudicate close to 50 Article 15’s, and kicking a bunch of drug users out of the Army I was relieved by a Captain and I had my first and last Change of Command ceremony. Became a personnel officer at our group, pissed off the boss and had a miserable last couple months in Germany. However I completed my first row of ribbons made some really good lifelong German friends and learned to drive really fast and really good and developed a fine appreciation of good beer.

In 1987 I attended the Military Personnel Officer Course at Ft Benjamin Harrison which is in Indianapolis and continued on to Fort Sam Houston where I was assigned as the Adjutant for the Academy Brigade, Academy of Health Sciences. I got promoted right after I got there and since Judy had not arrived I had the world’s best platoon sergeant, SFC Cynthia Carter help pin on my new Captain bars. Judy was quite happy that Cindy got to do this as she really liked her. My Brigade Commander wondered what was up with that, but it was an honor to have her do the pinning. While there I worked on AIDS/HIV personnel policy and became “CINC AIDS” at the Academy. While there I collected my second Army Achievement Medal and an Army Commendation Medal.

Berlin Wall 1986

In 1988 I left Active Army to attend Seminary and was appointed as an Armor officer in Texas Army National Guard. I was told by my boss LTC Jim Wigger that I was moving from the “frying pan into the fire as the chaplains were a cutthroat bunch” and that the “Medical Department was not even in the same league as the Chaplains.” When the Division Chaplain found out that a seminarian was getting ready to drive tanks he pitched a fit and had me enter the Chaplain Candidate program. In seminary I attended the Chaplain Officer Basic Course at Fort Monmouth NJ. As Deputy Course leader and Company “First Sergeant” pissed off lots of chaplains and seminarians. Thankfully I was backed up by LTC Rich Whaley who saved my ass for the first time and not the last time. I met my friend Fr Jim Bowman who kept me from doing anything really stupid. In 1992 I graduated from seminary was ordained and become a chaplain and assigned to 111^th Engineer Battalion in Abilene. That year I got thrown out of the Chaplain Officer Advanced Course when school changed a policy on Chaplain Candidates awaiting final approval to be chaplains to enter course. After Billy Martin style tantrum Rich Whaley saves my ass a second time.

In 1993 I went back to Chaplain Officer Advanced Course, made amends and did the appropriate penance. Meet up with Fr Jim Bowman again. In the fall of 1994 finished the final phase of the Chaplain Officer Advance Course. Happiness is Ft Monmouth in your rear view mirror. In the summer of 1984 I viewed the O.J. Chase live on miniature TV in M-577 Command Track with Lakers playoff game in split screen while at Fort Hood.

In January 1995 I moved to Huntington WV to take a job as a contract ER Chaplain. I transferred from one former Confederate Unit to another going from the Texas to the Virginia Army National Guard. In December I was promoted to Major and transferred to the Army Reserve and got rid of the 410 mile one way trip for a drill.

New Major December 1995

In July of 1996 I got mobilized and sent to Germany to support Bosnia mission, lose job. While in Germany get to do a lot of cool stuff, got a bunch of medals and though the Chaplains there wanted me to be brought on regular active duty get told I am too senior to transfer to Regular Army. I actually think that the guy who made the decision remembered me from Chaplain School and did not want someone like me in “his” Chaplain Corps. Upon my return from Bosnia support the Reserves assigned to Ft Indiantown Gap PA as Installation Command Chaplain where in September 1998 I got to close down help close down the Federal side of things and transfer chapel and congregation to National Guard care. In October I returned to the reserves like a journeyman ball-player being sent back to AAA from the Majors. In December the Navy offered me a deal to play “in the show” on active duty and I took it, went from being an Army Reserve Major to Navy Lieutenant. My friend Father Fred Elkin was my first detailer and offered me a choice of East Coast or West Coast Marines when I asked for a ship. We now serve together and get a good laugh about that now. It did turn out to be a good thing for me. One of the cool things about my time in the Navy has been since I have blown myself up enough in the Army and seen others do likewise that I know where the career “land mines” are and how not to step on them. This has been a great benefit to me. It was like changing from one league to another in the middle of a baseball season. The old stats don’t count for or against you when you start playing in the new league.

After Navy Chaplain School I was assigned to the 2^nd Marine Division at Camp LeJuene NC. From then on my life has been going non-stop. I was chaplain for 4 different battalions in the Division where Father John Kaul used me as a “relief pitcher” in situations where chaplains had either been fired for doing illegal or immoral things or replacing people who had to move on short notice orders. Did CAX at 29 Palms on multiple occasions and did a deployment to the Far East, Okinawa, Japan and Korea. Collected more medals got my “old” version Fleet Marine Force Qualification. I was assigned to HQ BN 2^nd MARDIV. 9-11 -01 attack happened. A couple of months later I reported to USS HUE CITY CG-66 in Mayport.

Dundas of the Desert 29 Palms 2000-2001

Not long after reporting went on the final work up exercises prior to deployment, deployed to the Horn of Africa, Northern Arabian Gulf, Gulf of Oman and Mediterranean. Was an advisor for a boarding team in Northern Arabian Gulf and made 75 boardings of detained smugglers. We almost got to see the Indians and Pakistanis get in a nuclear war, that was a bit sporty and we supported air operations in Afghanistan. After a period in the yards during following deployment as well as work with the great Marines who served in the Battle of Hue City I checked off the ship in October 2003, again collecting more medals and ribbons.

Boarding Party 2002

I went to Norfolk where I was assigned to the Marine Corps Security Force Battalion and my Commanding Officers, Colonel Mike Paulovich and Colonel Donald Rogers sent me about the world to care for our Marines. Over that time I probably averaged 2 trips a month out of the area, many overseas to Japan, Hawaii, Spain, France, the United Kingdom and Bahrain, others to places far and wide in the Continental United States. Colonel Paulovich and I probably worked more closely together than any commander that I have ever worked with and we went through many difficult times in that assignment. We are still friends to this day. One of the cool things is the people that we work with. I was promoted to Lieutenant Commander in April 2006. This meant that I had spent almost 16 years of my career wearing Captain or Lieutenant bars. I again collected more ribbons and medals for the time with the Marines and was one of the first Navy Officers to get the Fleet Marine Force Officer Qualification pin while completing Marine Command and Staff College.

Belleau Wood France 2004

I then went to Navy EOD Group Two in Little Creek where I was the first chaplain assigned to EOD. While there I got to go to Jordan to the Jordanian Army/UN Peace Operations Training Center and to Sicily. I was snatched up to go to Iraq in July 2007 and served the most meaningful operational deployment of my career serving our Marine, Army, Navy, Air Force and Department of Justice and Homeland Security advisors to the Iraqi Army, Police and Border Forces in Al Anbar Province. I came back from Iraq with a great case of PTSD, a gift that keeps on giving. I checked out of EOD in September 2007 again with more medals and ribbons to my current assignment at Naval Medical Center Portsmouth where I get to do what I am passionate about as a Priest and Navy Chaplain serving in a teaching hospital.

My Tom Clancy look Iraq 2008

Looking back it has been a long and strange trip and it is still an ongoing journey. People ask me how I keep going even with the PTSD and it’s like Tommy Lasorda says “Guys ask me, don’t I get burned out? How can you get burned out doing something you love? I ask you, have you ever got tired of kissing a pretty girl?” Speaking of which now that I am on the way home after 31 or so hours at work I probably need to do with Judy when I see her.

Steve Summer Whites 2008 July 2008, Grand Admiral of the Ottoman Navy?

Peace, Steve+

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Filed under Baseball, History, iraq,afghanistan, Loose thoughts and musings, Military, PTSD

Tagged as 111th engineer bn, 29th infantry divsion, 2nd marine divsion, 3rd battalion 144th field artillery, 49th armored division, 557th medical company, 9-11 2001, academy brigade, academy of health sciences, advisors, al anbar province, an officer and a gentleman, army reserve, Army ROTC, army uniforms, article 15, article 15 proceedings, bill murray, bruce lawson, cabell huntington hospital, california army national guard, chaplain officer advanced course, chaplain officer basic course, cs gas grenade, elmer the shrink, eod group two, fleet marine force officer quaification pin, ft monmouth nj, germany, gulf of oman, HIV-AIDS, horn of africa, huntington wv, india and pakistan conflict, inter service transfer, junior officer maintenace course, m-151a1 jeep, m-548 ammo carrier, m-577 Command Track, marine security forces, mayport fl, medical department officer basic course, medical service corps, miltary personnel officer course, navy chaplain school, navy chaplains, neubrucke, northern arabian gulf, O.J. Simpson chase, PTSD, puget sound debs, reforger, relief pitcher, rich whaley, richard gere, riverwalk marriott hotel, rotc advanced camp, san antonio tx, stripes, texas army national guard, the rat patrol, tommy lasorda, ucla, USMC Commamd and staff college, uss hue city, van nuys ca, van nuys national guard armory, veterans adminisration, virginia army national guard, wiesbaden, wurzburg

August 24, 2009 · 20:50

Going to War: A Reflection so Far, Memories, PTSD and hopes and fears Past and Present

964

As I have been writing of my experience in Iraq it is amazing to me the amount of emotions that I have experienced. It is strange to feel like I am back there as I write. I know that this is necessary but at times it is unnerving especially as I talk to friends who are going through much the same experience that I had coming home and sometimes worse. I have been in e-mail contact with a friend from a NATO ally who has done a couple of tours in Afghanistan. I can really feel for him as he is in a smaller military with a lot few resources that the Americans to deal with PTSD and other maladies from this war which seems to drag on without end. Another friend on the West Coast has been dealing with the ravages of both PTSD and TBI and another Army Chaplain friend who has 2 Bronze Stars to his credit deals with PTSD as well as a very rare and eventually fatal lung and brachia condition. Friends from my medical center are being deployed, I’ve been told that I am too valuable and needed where I am to deploy. I do understand that at the same time deep in my heart I want to be with my friends from my ICU as they go to war.

The emotions took a big turn as I actually started writing about being in Iraq, beginning with the C-17 ride in to Baghdad. In some sense the mirrored what I was going through two years ago. It kind of came to a head the other night when I wrote about the rocket that went over my head at Camp Victory while waiting for my ride to head to the Camp Liberty heliport. Then there was the flight to Fallujah and I can remember that flight. I have never really liked flying in general and ancient helicopters in particular. Thinking that many of the CH-46s that I flew in while in Iraq had been in service in the Vietnam era was none too comforting. They were almost as old as me. Marine Helicopters are notorious for hydraulic fluid leaks. The old joke goes” “How do you know when a Marine helicopter is low on hydraulic fluid?” “When it stops leaking” is not entirely in jest. I guess you can say that most of my career flying rotary wing aircraft in the Army and Navy has been just this side of terrifying. I manage to survive every time but it takes forever to come back down from the anxiety of the preparation for and actual flights themselves it is no wonder that I still have problems sleeping and going on alert any time I hear a helicopter overhead.

Faith at times is an ongoing struggle. While I believe I question God more, especially when I see little kids suffering or read about young men and women killed in action or maimed by combat. I find that I am less compassionate toward those who have not deployed who make suicide gestures and screw with their friends and families and then blow off help. It angers me that their narcissism takes time and resources away from people who have been in the shit who need help and have to wait to get help. I also find that religious people who have trite answers for everything really annoy me, especially those that are constantly talking about “spiritual warfare” when they have no clue about war, suffering and death. They are what Luther called the “theologians of glory” and they have no real answers, just platitudes that work fine until a real crisis comes. Despite this I believe somehow in the God who is willing to be with me in the middle of the Valley of the Shadow of Death and at the foot of the Cross.

One of the things that tears at me now is the deep division in the United States as the obviously enlightened zealots of the extreme right and left push their agendas so hard that it seems impossible to find and amicable solution. I wonder if we have entered “Weimar America.” I guess I can understand how the moderates of the conservatives and socialists in Germany were ground to dust beneath the anvil of the Communists and hammer of the National Socialists in the later years of the Weimar Republic. I really understand the military men who found both alternatives distasteful and tried in vain to seek the middle ground and maybe restore some sanity to the country. That article is yet to be written. I think I will call it “Weimar America?” What really gets me is that both the right and left have dropped all pretense of civility and are now engaging in physical altercations at political meetings or “town hall” meetings and some have even be brandishing automatic weapons near venues where the President is speaking. I have seen the results of this type of no-quarter politics in the Balkans and in Iraq. I wonder what the hell all these demigods on both sides are thinking and if they in their devotion to their alleged “principles” would attempt “to destroy the country in order to save it.” I have become ashamed of the leadership of both political parties as well as the special interest groups that drive the agendas of both extremes, especially as in the case of some who use the Christian faith to justify their actions. When I see these people in action my anxiety level often returns to what it was in Iraq and on my return. I can honestly say that the people on the extremes make me fear for my country. I feel that they are pushing us to the abyss and that I can’t do a damned thing to stop it. I’ve matured enough to know it is not simply the fault of one side or the other; as both are at fault and it seems that the most extreme on both sides have actually been wanting this to happen, at least from my viewpoint as a passionate moderate.

I have come to realize that my true countrymen are those that I have served with to defend this country and protect others abroad, especially as the insanity continues to spread. Though I struggle and have to deal with emotions as if they were brand new every day just as I think that I am getting better I know that I have to keep going. I owe it to my brothers and sisters from the current war and wars such as Vietnam. Sometimes I wonder if all of us PTSD afflicted vets are the only sane people in the country. We are a brotherhood. “We we happy few, we band of brothers.”

brothers

I’m glad that I have friends, especially vets from Iraq, Afghanistan, the Gulf and Vietnam. Limey and Barney with the Hue City Vets, Ray and Charlie the Vietnam Veteran of America brothers who man the beer stand on the concourse behind home plate, and so many others like my trusty assistant Nelson Lebron who helped keep me safe and sane in Iraq.

In the middle of all of this I grieve for my Vietnam Vet and retired Navy Chief dad who wastes away in a nursing home with end stage Alzheimer’s which according to his doctor should have killed him months ago.

I’d better stop while I’m ahead. I need to catch myself, maybe have a beer and focus on some baseball for a while before I get ready for work. I have duty tomorrow and I expect that I will be busy the next couple of days. I hope when I get off Wednesday afternoon that I will be able to see the Tides play. I can use the view of the diamond at Harbor Park that helps calm my soul about now. Maybe between no and then I can get in with my buddy Elmer the Shrink.

pub2

Pray for me a sinner,

Peace, Steve+

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Filed under alzheimer's disease, Baseball, iraq,afghanistan, Military, Political Commentary, PTSD, Tour in Iraq, vietnam

Tagged as afghanistan, automatic weapons, baseball diamond, c-17, camp liberty, camp victory, ch-46, fallujah, foot of the cross, harbor park, icu, iraq, Martin Luther, nato, nelson lebron, norfolk tides, PTSD, radical groups, spiritual warfare, struggles with god and faith, theologians of glory, united states, valley of the shadow of death, vietnam, vietnam veterans, we happy few we band of brothers, weimar germany, weimar republic

Category Archives: PTSD

I’m Leaving on a Jet Plane…Reflections on the Islands of Unhappy Travelers

MLB League Championship Series so Far, I will wear Short Pants until the World Series is Over and Learning that I am a “Wounded Healer”

Surviving Birthdays, My Closet of Anxieties, Rumors of Revolution and Coups and a Losing Streak Ended

Yet Another Blast from the Past and Padre Steve and House MD experience a bit of healing, but Have a Long Way to Go

PTSD²: Learning to Live Together When Both of You Have PTSD

The Art and Science of Staying Awake and Going to Sleep When You Have PTSD

Survival on the Home Front: Dealing with Other People’s Reactions to My PTSD

Star Trek the Next Generation: Captain Jean-Luc Picard Deals with PTSD

Padre Steve’s Highs and Lows of 28 Years Service

Going to War: A Reflection so Far, Memories, PTSD and hopes and fears Past and Present

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